Am I overthinking???
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Am I overthinking???
Last night I experienced the most confusion I have ever felt, all the while trying my best to think like someone who has been in alanon and is healthy. Am I confused or simply sick, I don't know. I am leaving my RAH, for the first time in 10 years he spoke to me with some mighty powerful words. We were both calm and I actually listened, like I should have been doing all along, I am discovering my part of this crazy situation, and will claim some of the chaos. NOT his alcoholism, but my behaviors along the way and words I have said. As I sat and listened, I hear some real sobriety on his part, I also heard with felt like "AA Drunk", almost as if he was under a spell. One minute I was so very proud of him, and feel a lightness for our future, the next minute I could feel the flicker of manipulation. I felt a blissful panic. One thing he said was, he was letting me go, i thought I knew what pain felt like before those words, I was wrong. He also brought up our nonexistent sex life, we have always been affectionate, just no sexual intimacy. I am a large lady, he has never been verbally cruel regarding my weight. He has stated throughout the years it was HIS inability to physically perform. Last night he stated that was not true and turned the tables on me. Again, is this sober or manipulation, or does it matter at this point. My head is seriously twisted up. What I am wanting is some comfort amongst the chaos that leaving is the right thing for now, I want to feel we are both wanting to heal not only for ourselves, but for our marriage as well. Wow, breathe. I am recognizing also, my depression is deep, I will be seeking help. How do I get past questioning, is he heading towards sobriety or manipulating, neither one feels comfortable yet.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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We obviously can't know the answer to your last question, friend. But I can say with confidence that a separation right now is absolutely necessary. You both need space to heal and focus on yourselves.
That being said, what could possibly be the point of saying those things to you if not to be hurtful? Of course you both have to own your piece of the relationship, but this goes too far.
You get past the questioning by accepting that whatever his intent, it does not change the fact that your healing does not in any way depend on the answer.
That being said, what could possibly be the point of saying those things to you if not to be hurtful? Of course you both have to own your piece of the relationship, but this goes too far.
You get past the questioning by accepting that whatever his intent, it does not change the fact that your healing does not in any way depend on the answer.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
That being said, what could possibly be the point of saying those things to you if not to be hurtful? Of course you both have to own your piece of the relationship, but this goes too far.
You get past the questioning by accepting that whatever his intent, it does not change the fact that your healing does not in any way depend on the answer.
You get past the questioning by accepting that whatever his intent, it does not change the fact that your healing does not in any way depend on the answer.
He could have been nice about things.
He wasn't.
Doesn't matter what his intentions were.
Best to leave this guy and settle down for some peace and quiet for while. So sorry.
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DragonflyPeace…...My thoughts on this are that he is feeling resentful of your moving on the 18th. for a separation and is feeling negative emotions about it (fear, sadness, anger, hurt, etc...?)...and is lashing back....to defend himself and protect his own ego.
I think that one has to expect that others are going to react to us with their own emotions.....we humans are emotional beings...
I am not taking his side....just saying that I suspect that he is defending his own ego....One thing...men are usually very sensitive to issues of their sexual performance...and, may feel that he needs to defend his "manhood"....and, women may feel very sensitive to feeling "not attractive enough".....this can be an arena of intense feelings by all concerned....
This sounds like just an extension of the last thread (maybe, reread it again...)…
He is have ing intense feelings...you are having intense feelings....All to be expected, in this situation, I think....
I do not think it is reason to change your plans, going forward.....
I think that one has to expect that others are going to react to us with their own emotions.....we humans are emotional beings...
I am not taking his side....just saying that I suspect that he is defending his own ego....One thing...men are usually very sensitive to issues of their sexual performance...and, may feel that he needs to defend his "manhood"....and, women may feel very sensitive to feeling "not attractive enough".....this can be an arena of intense feelings by all concerned....
This sounds like just an extension of the last thread (maybe, reread it again...)…
He is have ing intense feelings...you are having intense feelings....All to be expected, in this situation, I think....
I do not think it is reason to change your plans, going forward.....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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You asked for honesty (I'm assuming?) and you got more honesty than you wanted. I would not presume that his comments were meant to hurt, turn the tables or be manipulative. They were his honest thoughts after years of lying in attempts to preserve the peace - a codependent survival tactic. You asked him to lay his cards out on the table and he did. Yes, his words hurt, but that doesn't mean that he set out to cause you pain or to manipulate you. People avoid honesty for years and years for a reason: honesty can hurt and honesty can change relationships dramatically in unpredictable ways. All of this is honest, helpful information for you going forward.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Overthinking is necessarily wrong thinking. It's simply too much, and like you I have experienced confusion. But think about it, you're experiencing regret, second thoughts, having glimmers of hope for the future, and fear of manipulation from an alcoholic, along with God knows what else. You tell me. What in that potpourri of conflicting jumble shouldn't be confusing?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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You don't know what his intent is and it does not matter. My ex would tell me things like I am fat, I am too hairy, and a lot more. I am overweight. So he was honest . I also have PCOD so I tend to have more hair growth- he was honest. What was not right was for me to start basing my self worth on it. I beat myself up over it so much that I could not even look at myself in the mirror . I started getting obsessed with wanting to lose weight and make up and all of that - I was becoming someone I was not and it was a bad place to be in . Do yourself a favor and find your own happiness . Not something that's described by another persons opinion of you. Hugs
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I agree that you need space.
Was his comment serious or did he just mean to be hurtful? Well he DID mean to be hurtful, that is a given. I'm sure you have discussed this many times with him? In all cases he reassures you and then, as you are preparing to walk out the door he decides to hit you where it will hurt the most.
Isn't that nice.
Please see this for what it is, manipulation, honesty, doesn't matter, it's not a loving thing to do, that is an absolute fact.
Does it really matter? No, not in your life, or it won't after a while, but I'm sure it is going to play on your mind which is why I'm discussing it.
You know you are fine just the way you are. If you want to change anything about yourself for yourself, that's one thing, his taking a jab at you is - just worthless words from him.
You are doing the right thing by leaving, in my opinion.
Please remember that this is the same man that around a week ago said when the truck pulls out of the driveway this marriage is over! He then said, you are welcome back anytime.
I wouldn't put any credence on one word he says, he sounds confused, at best.
Was his comment serious or did he just mean to be hurtful? Well he DID mean to be hurtful, that is a given. I'm sure you have discussed this many times with him? In all cases he reassures you and then, as you are preparing to walk out the door he decides to hit you where it will hurt the most.
Isn't that nice.
Please see this for what it is, manipulation, honesty, doesn't matter, it's not a loving thing to do, that is an absolute fact.
Does it really matter? No, not in your life, or it won't after a while, but I'm sure it is going to play on your mind which is why I'm discussing it.
You know you are fine just the way you are. If you want to change anything about yourself for yourself, that's one thing, his taking a jab at you is - just worthless words from him.
You are doing the right thing by leaving, in my opinion.
Please remember that this is the same man that around a week ago said when the truck pulls out of the driveway this marriage is over! He then said, you are welcome back anytime.
I wouldn't put any credence on one word he says, he sounds confused, at best.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
So for 10 years he doesn’t say anything, and now that he’s sober and going to AA and there’s a break up, his impotence / lack of performance over that 10 year period is all your fault after all, because “honesty”. Nice. :/
As hurtful as that must have been to hear, I hope that pisses you off enough to propel you forward, and do whatever it is you feel you need to do for yourself from this point on.
As hurtful as that must have been to hear, I hope that pisses you off enough to propel you forward, and do whatever it is you feel you need to do for yourself from this point on.
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Thank you everyone for the comments and encouragement! I have felt a incredible sadness today, feel defeated and just wanted to be quite! I am continuing on with my plan to move, I have prayed and prayed and prayed so more! I want to turn this situation over to God, at this moment that is my immediate goal and mission. I am learning that it's best not to have expectations except from myself! And that love really doesn't matter sometimes! The sadness is debilitating right now!
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When you have a family break up it is sad, no matter what the circumstance. That is just a fact. You are going to go through an onslaught of emotions, and that is very, very normal. Keep praying, and keep turning this over to God. Do not measure your self worth through him, or any other human being.
Sending you huge hugs!
Sending you huge hugs!
Originally Posted by DragonflyPeace
Thank you everyone for the comments and encouragement! I have felt a incredible sadness today, feel defeated and just wanted to be quite! I am continuing on with my plan to move, I have prayed and prayed and prayed so more! I want to turn this situation over to God, at this moment that is my immediate goal and mission. I am learning that it's best not to have expectations except from myself! And that love really doesn't matter sometimes! The sadness is debilitating right now!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
DragonPeace…...If a person can tolerate living for years with an alcoholic/addict.....then they can face absolutely anything that comes with not living with them.....
I couldn't possibly agree more.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
DragonPeace…...If a person can tolerate living for years with an alcoholic/addict.....then they can face absolutely anything that comes with not living with them.....
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