Brandy Levels Part 2
 

I had a chat with AH this morning, told him that if he ever should want to open up about his drink problem (interrupts "l havent got a drink problem" ) l won't judge him and will support him.
I remind him about hiding vodka = a problem. He said that at that point things were getting on top of him. What things? The fall out with his daughter...
l let him talk. Then l tell him l worry about this. He says he only has a nightcap late evening.
Then l drop it.
l went grocery shopping and when l came back and was putting food away l see the brandy bottle...the level has gone UP by an inch since this morning.
l pointed this out to him and asked why he had topped it up...l got big wide eyed denial as expected.
"Are you sure the level has gone up? He says.
when l answer yes...he shrugs and says well he doesn't know how.
Tonight hes gone to bed without his 'nightcap' l guess to prove a point...although my gut says hes probably got an emergency miniature up his ass 😁

Hi Awal,

It seems to be a stalemate.

He had the disease of alcoholism telling him there isn't a problem. We wind up with the disease telling us the alcoholic is the problem.

There is a solution is finding a path of recovery for ourselves. This, counterintuitively, has nothing to do with the alcoholic.

"I can't think my way into right acting, but I can act my way into right thinking."

He's not just hiding drinks from you, he's in total denial, that's a two-fold problem there.

As for the miracle bottle of brandy, if you ever want to sell it i'll buy it. I don't drink brandy but I bet I could get top dollar for a self-filling bottle!!

I hear a lot of resentment in your posts and sadness and anger. Those are all normal, of course, but they are no way to live. Not that we all have to be having fun and excitement and giggly happiness all the time but without contentment - well it just sucks.

He has become the enemy?

Update. I forgot to mention he said would it help if he didnt have booze in the house. I said that if l said yes that could be seen as me trying to control him.

The brandy bottle is no longer in the cupboard.

Awal…...you see alcohol as a problem.....he sees it as a solution.....

so youre saying they hide booze and drink secretly but dont know its a problem...their mind tricks them that its normal behaviour???

He hasnt become the enemy...what has possessed him has.

"The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress".

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Awal...I agree with what Trailmix just posted.....
To the alcoholic....alcohol is what enables them to function...it feels like air and water to them...to think of functioning without it...feels like death to them....It not only feels like "normal" behavior to them...it feels like NECESSARY behavior, to them...…In fact, at a certain point, the alcoholic requires alcohol in order to just feel "normal".....Addiction, is , indeed a powerful force, within an individual...
Having nothing to do with you...but, a "craving" feeling from within their brain....

To better understand this at the organic level.....google "dopamine and the alcoholic brain"....

So now, he'll hide the brandy and you won't see it, but you will still know he is drinking. You know what you know. You still will not be happy and it will seem akin to him hiding the liquor again, which was your original complaint. Back to square one.

Awal….here is a general path that addiction takes.....at first, the alcoholic drinks to feel "good". This stage can last for a very long time...could be many years.
As the brain chemistry (neuroreceptors) become used to...acclimated, to the alcohol...more is required....
At this point, the alcoholic requires alcohol to just feel normal....the feel good stage has passed by...
As the alcoholic drinks to feel normal...the body requires m ore and m ore of the alcohol to feel normal...if they don't get it, painful and dangerous withdrawl sympotoms will set in (within hours)….
Finally, the body begins to break down due to the damage to the body and nervous system and brain....The person may suffer from any number of illnesses--including those of the nervous system and brain....
For some people...this late stage may be what leads them to reach for abstainence/recovery....because, it is at this stage that drinking actually feels so bad, to them, that sobriety may look better.....
Every person is different, but this long progression may take years and years....several decades.....

Awal, the hiding of bottles, drinking in secret are side issues. Even if he stopped all hiding and secrecy the real problem would remain.

He has no intention of stopping drinking. You can't stand his drinking. You're tying yourself up in knots trying to find a way to accept the unacceptable.

I truly hope you can find some peace.

Thanks guys for all the information. lm realising that part of me is still hoping that lm barking up the wrong tree when the other part of me knows lm not. A battle in my own mind right now...still early days l guess x

Two quotes for you, Awal, since your last thread is so very similar to this one, and you seem to be spinning your wheels. Both of these were helpful to me:

If there is no solution to a problem, maybe it's not a problem to be solved but a truth to be accepted.

Often, when a problem seems to have no solution, that's not really true--it's just that we don't like the answer.

What is your plan of recovery for yourself? Are you going it alone right now?

This

The only time l mentioned the level changing is when it went UP not down. It felt like he was f***ing with my head. I certainly don't want to be a mom to him.

l have a supportive network of friends and colleagues..l also go to a self help group every 2 weeks to chat one to one with a lady there (but lady time l felt l was given bad advice...)
ultimately its down to me though l know that.