Brandy Levels Part 2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Again, have to agree with Suki, is it worth it?
You are tying yourself up in knots.
You might want to look at some threads posted by OT. This is where this can lead, years of "sleuthing":
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...th-let-go.html (Give me the strength to let go)
He doesn't think like you, he doesn't ponder like you, his focus is alcohol, your focus is him. It can truly go off the rails Awal, you can get so focused on trying to control this, on trying to make sense of something that can't make sense to you because you are not an alcoholic.
You are tying yourself up in knots.
You might want to look at some threads posted by OT. This is where this can lead, years of "sleuthing":
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...th-let-go.html (Give me the strength to let go)
He doesn't think like you, he doesn't ponder like you, his focus is alcohol, your focus is him. It can truly go off the rails Awal, you can get so focused on trying to control this, on trying to make sense of something that can't make sense to you because you are not an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Clover71
It's keeping the peace and saving face. They aren't detailed like we are when we are playing private investigator. And I don't mean that part in a demeaning way to you at all. I have gone through this too. He is focused on his drinking and keeping the peace. As someone else said, it's not like he can keep track of how much a couple of swigs are. He just tops it off and it's cool. And that bottle might be more convenient than a hidden bottle at certain times. Your measurements are precise because you are super focused on that bottle.
I I hope that in time you can walk away from the tracking. I know it's hard, but it's going to drive you crazy trying to figure out what he is doing and why. You don't think alike.
Alcoholism is horrible. I can't say that enough. I don't blame you at all for what you are saying and feeling. I do agree with the goalpost comment though.
have your meds helped you at all?
l am still a bit anxious about going away with my friends on Friday until Monday, but lm sure once lm away it will do me good...it usually does. And he can have a nice relaxing weekend of drinking without having to sneak around. Win win!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by dandylion
Awal…...you see alcohol as a problem.....he sees it as a solution.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Gettingcloser
Hi Awal
You are not really arguing with your husband about this you are arguing with the disease. In a way it is like arguing with cancer. Alcoholism is so cruel that it will actually over ride his love for you.
You are not really arguing with your husband about this you are arguing with the disease. In a way it is like arguing with cancer. Alcoholism is so cruel that it will actually over ride his love for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by suki44883
So now, he'll hide the brandy and you won't see it, but you will still know he is drinking. You know what you know. You still will not be happy and it will seem akin to him hiding the liquor again, which was your original complaint. Back to square one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by 53500
Awal, the hiding of bottles, drinking in secret are side issues. Even if he stopped all hiding and secrecy the real problem would remain.
He has no intention of stopping drinking. You can't stand his drinking. You're tying yourself up in knots trying to find a way to accept the unacceptable.
I truly hope you can find some peace.
He has no intention of stopping drinking. You can't stand his drinking. You're tying yourself up in knots trying to find a way to accept the unacceptable.
I truly hope you can find some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Clover71
i would say say it's more about protecting his habit and trying to keep the peace at the same time. I don't think it is "personal" as in intentional malice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Awal
Can l ask how you managed to overcome the 'sleuthing' and monitoring and how you maintain the strength? X
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Awal
Can l ask how you managed to overcome the 'sleuthing' and monitoring and how you maintain the strength? X
What does that give you? There is always a reason for behaviours, what is the reason here?
Originally you thought he was lying about his drinking (which he was/is) and then you felt he was still lying after promising you he would not and would drink openly (and he does continue to lie).
Now there must be some other motivator?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by trailmix
Awal, why do you check?
What does that give you? There is always a reason for behaviours, what is the reason here?
Originally you thought he was lying about his drinking (which he was/is) and then you felt he was still lying after promising you he would not and would drink openly (and he does continue to lie).
Now there must be some other motivator?
What does that give you? There is always a reason for behaviours, what is the reason here?
Originally you thought he was lying about his drinking (which he was/is) and then you felt he was still lying after promising you he would not and would drink openly (and he does continue to lie).
Now there must be some other motivator?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Awal
l guess lm trying to establish the severity of the problem. And if l should be as worried as l currently am.
Well, what facts do you have.
- You know for a fact that this has been going on for at least 8 years, since you have been in his life? The first discovered vodka bottle.
- You spoke with his ex wife who confirmed he has a drinking problem and has had as long as she has known him.
- You know that people who only drink "normally" or a little bit don't hide it.
- He regularly hides his drinking, there is no question, you have this "evidence".
He has a drinking problem and not a little one, you can be sure of that, I think, at this point.
If you could determine that he drinks X amount on X days at X times - so say you knew he drank 30 standard drinks a week. What would you do with that information?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Awal….I have hesitated to say, what seems to me, to be the obvious....
It seems to me (and, you can correct me if I am wrong, of course)...that you are unhappy with the state of the marriage....and, you are charging his drinking as the culprit....I know that you believe that if he did not drink,,,that the marriage would be fine....or, at least, acceptable....
The reason that I am bringing this up...is , that...this forum is full of people..literally,thousands and th ousands of posters who speak of how much more difficult that relationships became AFTER the alcoholic stopped drinking. They are so shocked to learn that putting down the bottle does not bring about the changes that they yearned, so desperately, for.....that the changes take a long period of working a program to c hange the alcoholic thinking into a change of attitude...which, leads, eventually, to a change in behaviors...…..
Statistically...more marriages break up after the bottle is put down...than before the bottle is put down.....
I think that what people really want (most of the ones that come here) is a happy marriage/relationship.....
Recovery for the alcoholic...esp. those who have a long drinking history....typically takes a long time and a lot of hard work in a program and counseling....1--2--3 years....or, up to 5yrs.---depending on who you talk to...
And, the alcoholic has to live by the program principles, conscientiously, for the rest of their life...otherwise, there will be relapse...even after a lot of years....
Awal...do you have that amount of time. in your life, that you want to dedicate, to see if your marriage will become satisfying...?
From what you say...he is not willing to accept any kind of program or treatment...
It is true that some people are so resistant to the idea of help that they will never accept it....it is simply too much of a stigma to them...or, they are too fearful and too threatened to attempt it...
I am wondering if your husband is one that falls into this category....
I have a suspicion that your searching behaviors are really a quest to find some gurantee that he is n ot drinking so that you will have what you desperately want...a happy marriage....
You are really searching for a happy marriage....
***If I am wrong---may the locusts invade my fields....
It seems to me (and, you can correct me if I am wrong, of course)...that you are unhappy with the state of the marriage....and, you are charging his drinking as the culprit....I know that you believe that if he did not drink,,,that the marriage would be fine....or, at least, acceptable....
The reason that I am bringing this up...is , that...this forum is full of people..literally,thousands and th ousands of posters who speak of how much more difficult that relationships became AFTER the alcoholic stopped drinking. They are so shocked to learn that putting down the bottle does not bring about the changes that they yearned, so desperately, for.....that the changes take a long period of working a program to c hange the alcoholic thinking into a change of attitude...which, leads, eventually, to a change in behaviors...…..
Statistically...more marriages break up after the bottle is put down...than before the bottle is put down.....
I think that what people really want (most of the ones that come here) is a happy marriage/relationship.....
Recovery for the alcoholic...esp. those who have a long drinking history....typically takes a long time and a lot of hard work in a program and counseling....1--2--3 years....or, up to 5yrs.---depending on who you talk to...
And, the alcoholic has to live by the program principles, conscientiously, for the rest of their life...otherwise, there will be relapse...even after a lot of years....
Awal...do you have that amount of time. in your life, that you want to dedicate, to see if your marriage will become satisfying...?
From what you say...he is not willing to accept any kind of program or treatment...
It is true that some people are so resistant to the idea of help that they will never accept it....it is simply too much of a stigma to them...or, they are too fearful and too threatened to attempt it...
I am wondering if your husband is one that falls into this category....
I have a suspicion that your searching behaviors are really a quest to find some gurantee that he is n ot drinking so that you will have what you desperately want...a happy marriage....
You are really searching for a happy marriage....
***If I am wrong---may the locusts invade my fields....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Awal
l guess lm trying to establish the severity of the problem. And if l should be as worried as l currently am.
One is your problem and one is his. You can only control one of those things.
It really doesn't matter how much he drinks.It doesn't matter what you or I or he or anybody else considers an acceptable amount for him to drink. What matters is that as it stands, the amount he drinks and the dishonesty that comes with it, is a problem for you.
I would love to see you focusing on what you can do for you, instead wasting your precious energy trying to understand the inexplicable
I know this is really tough stuff Awal. Old habits die hard and I had one hell of a hard time changing my ways too. But at least I changed, my AXH is still drinking his life away.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
Tracking? Dealing with an alcoholic spouse is like being in war. And the most valuable asset in war is information. The most valuable weapons are spies.
Learn your enemy's weakness and strengths, know your own, know the battlefield and you will win.
Learn your enemy's weakness and strengths, know your own, know the battlefield and you will win.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I think that what people really want (most of the ones that come here) is a happy marriage/relationship.....
Originally Posted by dandylion
They are so shocked to learn that putting down the bottle does not bring about the changes that they yearned, so desperately, for
If you married someone who drinks - especially if:
1. They have been drinking for a long time
2. When they drink is the only time they are open, relaxed and fun
Then them sobering up can be quite a shock. If they were the "life of the party" they won't be anymore or not for some long time. If they have been drinking for a long time their emotional expressions may stop altogether if the only time they feel "open" enough to express them is if they have had a drink(s).
If the drinking has been prolonged, you have never known the person sober. If you have been with them while they have been drinking for say, 10 of the 12 years of the relationship, that person may be long gone - 10 years of drinking/maturing while drinking is a long time.
Anyway, really good point there dandylion and I think your fields are safe from the locusts!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Awal
l guess lm trying to establish the severity of the problem. And if l should be as worried as l currently am.
You cannot change him. You can change your thinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Awal...I just want to point out that for many people not measuring their significant other's consumption takes YEARS. I can say this personally as it took me many years. It would be even more hard because it's right in front of your face.
Be nice to yourself. Keep working on YOU. It's a process for sure.
Be nice to yourself. Keep working on YOU. It's a process for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Awal...I just want to point out that for many people not measuring their significant other's consumption takes YEARS. I can say this personally as it took me many years. It would be even more hard because it's right in front of your face.
Be nice to yourself. Keep working on YOU. It's a process for sure.
Be nice to yourself. Keep working on YOU. It's a process for sure.
l am not searching anymore which is a start. 😊
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I gotta tell you that this is a big pile of codependent thinking right here.
You cannot change him. You can change your thinking.
You cannot change him. You can change your thinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by dandylion
Awal….I have hesitated to say, what seems to me, to be the obvious....
It seems to me (and, you can correct me if I am wrong, of course)...that you are unhappy with the state of the marriage....and, you are charging his drinking as the culprit....I know that you believe that if he did not drink,,,that the marriage would be fine....or, at least, acceptable....
The reason that I am bringing this up...is , that...this forum is full of people..literally,thousands and th ousands of posters who speak of how much more difficult that relationships became AFTER the alcoholic stopped drinking. They are so shocked to learn that putting down the bottle does not bring about the changes that they yearned, so desperately, for.....that the changes take a long period of working a program to c hange the alcoholic thinking into a change of attitude...which, leads, eventually, to a change in behaviors...…..
Statistically...more marriages break up after the bottle is put down...than before the bottle is put down.....
I think that what people really want (most of the ones that come here) is a happy marriage/relationship.....
Recovery for the alcoholic...esp. those who have a long drinking history....typically takes a long time and a lot of hard work in a program and counseling....1--2--3 years....or, up to 5yrs.---depending on who you talk to...
And, the alcoholic has to live by the program principles, conscientiously, for the rest of their life...otherwise, there will be relapse...even after a lot of years....
Awal...do you have that amount of time. in your life, that you want to dedicate, to see if your marriage will become satisfying...?
From what you say...he is not willing to accept any kind of program or treatment...
It is true that some people are so resistant to the idea of help that they will never accept it....it is simply too much of a stigma to them...or, they are too fearful and too threatened to attempt it...
I am wondering if your husband is one that falls into this category....
I have a suspicion that your searching behaviors are really a quest to find some gurantee that he is n ot drinking so that you will have what you desperately want...a happy marriage....
You are really searching for a happy marriage....
***If I am wrong---may the locusts invade my fields....
It seems to me (and, you can correct me if I am wrong, of course)...that you are unhappy with the state of the marriage....and, you are charging his drinking as the culprit....I know that you believe that if he did not drink,,,that the marriage would be fine....or, at least, acceptable....
The reason that I am bringing this up...is , that...this forum is full of people..literally,thousands and th ousands of posters who speak of how much more difficult that relationships became AFTER the alcoholic stopped drinking. They are so shocked to learn that putting down the bottle does not bring about the changes that they yearned, so desperately, for.....that the changes take a long period of working a program to c hange the alcoholic thinking into a change of attitude...which, leads, eventually, to a change in behaviors...…..
Statistically...more marriages break up after the bottle is put down...than before the bottle is put down.....
I think that what people really want (most of the ones that come here) is a happy marriage/relationship.....
Recovery for the alcoholic...esp. those who have a long drinking history....typically takes a long time and a lot of hard work in a program and counseling....1--2--3 years....or, up to 5yrs.---depending on who you talk to...
And, the alcoholic has to live by the program principles, conscientiously, for the rest of their life...otherwise, there will be relapse...even after a lot of years....
Awal...do you have that amount of time. in your life, that you want to dedicate, to see if your marriage will become satisfying...?
From what you say...he is not willing to accept any kind of program or treatment...
It is true that some people are so resistant to the idea of help that they will never accept it....it is simply too much of a stigma to them...or, they are too fearful and too threatened to attempt it...
I am wondering if your husband is one that falls into this category....
I have a suspicion that your searching behaviors are really a quest to find some gurantee that he is n ot drinking so that you will have what you desperately want...a happy marriage....
You are really searching for a happy marriage....
***If I am wrong---may the locusts invade my fields....
p.s. no locusts coming your way 😁
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
