Brandy Levels Part 2
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Awal,
The recovery from the effects of having alcoholism in our lives is very counter-intuitive.
Al-anon is special in that it's people who get it. They've been there. They understand. It's not one person having the "right" answers for someone else. It's a program that empowers our own learning, education and instincts. One day at a time.
I was kept in the chaos for a long time through "helpful" people in my life who didn't have a clue about the recovery from alcoholism/addiction.
My closest meeting an hour away started me on the journey. My home group was a 2 hour drive away. It saved my life.
The recovery from the effects of having alcoholism in our lives is very counter-intuitive.
Al-anon is special in that it's people who get it. They've been there. They understand. It's not one person having the "right" answers for someone else. It's a program that empowers our own learning, education and instincts. One day at a time.
I was kept in the chaos for a long time through "helpful" people in my life who didn't have a clue about the recovery from alcoholism/addiction.
My closest meeting an hour away started me on the journey. My home group was a 2 hour drive away. It saved my life.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
An open (visitors welcome) AA speaker meeting could also be very beneficial. It's not a war or division. Everyone who's been affected by alcoholism in any way is dealing with a baffling, cunning disease.
A speaker meeting is where a person in recovery tells his or her story.
A speaker meeting is where a person in recovery tells his or her story.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will never, ever forget when my XAH told me he drank because our children were coming over and they would be scared he was drinking, and it caused him to be nervous and need to drink. Ummmm......see the issue here?! There will ALWAYS be some excuse. Always.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I will never, ever forget when my XAH told me he drank because our children were coming over and they would be scared he was drinking, and it caused him to be nervous and need to drink. Ummmm......see the issue here?! There will ALWAYS be some excuse. Always.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes maam! Heaven forbid that the addict actually admits to the people they love that they caused this and need to get some help. They have every opportunity for all the support in the world, yet manage to screw it up time after time. Ugh.
I am sincerely glad that I am 90% removed from that circus. I have to be involved in some ways due to our mutual children, but definitely not on the level as before!
I am sincerely glad that I am 90% removed from that circus. I have to be involved in some ways due to our mutual children, but definitely not on the level as before!
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
... and it will always be someone else's fault - "if the kids weren't coming over which stresses me, I wouldn't need to drink ...".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Clover71
i would say say it's more about protecting his habit and trying to keep the peace at the same time. I don't think it is "personal" as in intentional malice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I will never, ever forget when my XAH told me he drank because our children were coming over and they would be scared he was drinking, and it caused him to be nervous and need to drink. Ummmm......see the issue here?! There will ALWAYS be some excuse. Always.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Awal....you are spending ALOT of time trying to follow the paths of an addicts brain. You will eventually realize that many, many times there is no reason that makes sense. Your rational mind is looking to make sense of all of this, and it just won't happen. Who knows his reasons?! It may be that even he does not know. We as codependents take a very deep look into all of this. They as addicts are trying to fight every single reason they can to even look at it at all. It's called denial. It's very, very powerful.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It could be as simple as he just didn't remember what the level was before.
I agree that he's just trying to keep the peace, and if you keep moving the goalposts ("Don't hide it," "I know you're hiding it," "Why are you lying?") then the only one you hurt is yourself. You just frustrate yourself by spinning all this over in your head.
He's gonna do what he's gonna do. He's not gonna do exactly what you want him to do. Ever.
I agree that he's just trying to keep the peace, and if you keep moving the goalposts ("Don't hide it," "I know you're hiding it," "Why are you lying?") then the only one you hurt is yourself. You just frustrate yourself by spinning all this over in your head.
He's gonna do what he's gonna do. He's not gonna do exactly what you want him to do. Ever.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Awal
l have a supportive network of friends and colleagues..l also go to a self help group every 2 weeks to chat one to one with a lady there (but lady time l felt l was given bad advice...)
ultimately its down to me though l know that.
ultimately its down to me though l know that.
I encourage you to take your focus off of what he is doing/drinking and consider what your program of recovery will be.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But what l dont understand is this...if he has another bottle hidden somewhere which he is using to top up the 'open and honest' bottle in the cupboard...why isnt he just drinking from the hidden one and leaving the one in the cupboard at the same level?
You are assuming normal logic here and an active alcoholic is anything but. You are also calling it the ”cabinet – honest bottle” and an active alcoholic can’t sustain honest for every long.
I would bet he has more than 1 hidden bottle and in the course of his consumption he has no idea how much he is pouring into the “cabinet – honest bottle” he’s just trying to appease you and keep the peace.
It’s best if you just stay out of the honest cabinet or just ignore what truly is not honest.
You are assuming normal logic here and an active alcoholic is anything but. You are also calling it the ”cabinet – honest bottle” and an active alcoholic can’t sustain honest for every long.
I would bet he has more than 1 hidden bottle and in the course of his consumption he has no idea how much he is pouring into the “cabinet – honest bottle” he’s just trying to appease you and keep the peace.
It’s best if you just stay out of the honest cabinet or just ignore what truly is not honest.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
I can take a guess, just for the heck of it.
He could just drink out of the hidden bottles but then what. The "honest" bottle level would never change so now the drinking is "hidden" again and you asked him not to hide the drinking.
So he has to adjust the honest bottle so you think it is - honest.
The fact that he messes up the levels, well, he's drunk, that's easy enough to do.
He could just drink out of the hidden bottles but then what. The "honest" bottle level would never change so now the drinking is "hidden" again and you asked him not to hide the drinking.
So he has to adjust the honest bottle so you think it is - honest.
The fact that he messes up the levels, well, he's drunk, that's easy enough to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by trailmix
I can take a guess, just for the heck of it.
He could just drink out of the hidden bottles but then what. The "honest" bottle level would never change so now the drinking is "hidden" again and you asked him not to hide the drinking.
So he has to adjust the honest bottle so you think it is - honest.
The fact that he messes up the levels, well, he's drunk, that's easy enough to do.
He could just drink out of the hidden bottles but then what. The "honest" bottle level would never change so now the drinking is "hidden" again and you asked him not to hide the drinking.
So he has to adjust the honest bottle so you think it is - honest.
The fact that he messes up the levels, well, he's drunk, that's easy enough to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by Awal
But that's just it...he never appears drunk. If he is so careful with his hiding..why not be careful with this? Just take a couple of drink out of the honest bottle and top up with the secret stuff? I still suspect he may have done it to check if l was watching...
He might have been testing you, which would explain the volume going up not down.
Then again, who says he is being careful with his drinking? Take several drinks out of the honest bottle, maybe he didn't think you were watching that carefully so he just threw some back in there.
It's all illogical anyway. If he is doing it to test you, well that's illogical and if he is just topping up "incorrectly" from his hidden stash, that is also illogical.
So it's just a guessing game, none of it actually makes any logical sense whatsoever.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,860
Awal, you are tearing yourself apart with this whole thing. Why? Nothing is going to change except that you may find yourself needing other medication due to anxiety and stress.
Is it really worth it?
Is it really worth it?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Again, have to agree with Suki, is it worth it?
You are tying yourself up in knots.
You might want to look at some threads posted by OT. This is where this can lead, years of "sleuthing":
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...th-let-go.html (Give me the strength to let go)
He doesn't think like you, he doesn't ponder like you, his focus is alcohol, your focus is him. It can truly go off the rails Awal, you can get so focused on trying to control this, on trying to make sense of something that can't make sense to you because you are not an alcoholic.
You are tying yourself up in knots.
You might want to look at some threads posted by OT. This is where this can lead, years of "sleuthing":
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...th-let-go.html (Give me the strength to let go)
He doesn't think like you, he doesn't ponder like you, his focus is alcohol, your focus is him. It can truly go off the rails Awal, you can get so focused on trying to control this, on trying to make sense of something that can't make sense to you because you are not an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Awal
But what l dont understand is this...if he has another bottle hidden somewhere which he is using to top up the 'open and honest' bottle in the cupboard...why isnt he just drinking from the hidden one and leaving the one in the cupboard at the same level? That would make it look like he wasnt drinking! Im wondering if he actually did it as a test to see if l was monitoring him???? Or has anyone got an other ideas...
I I hope that in time you can walk away from the tracking. I know it's hard, but it's going to drive you crazy trying to figure out what he is doing and why. You don't think alike.
Alcoholism is horrible. I can't say that enough. I don't blame you at all for what you are saying and feeling. I do agree with the goalpost comment though.
have your meds helped you at all?
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