Angry shocked disappointed!
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Join Date: May 2018
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Angry shocked disappointed!
I'm really upset and trying to stay level headed and not let this horrible situation get the best of me. Last Friday my ABF came home drunk. It was a work day but he ended up spending the afternoon at the bar. When he arrived home he couldn't even open the door, passed out , pissed on the floor and then the next day acts like nothing is out of sorts and life is normal. When I confronted him about being at the bar he LIED and said he was never at the bar. When I showed him the receipt that I found from the bar with the date and time and his name on it he still denied being there! We have since spent the entire week not talking and we live together. The few times I tried to speak with him about this it ended up in an outrageous screaming fight. He blames me says that I'm controlling and that I want to be with someone who is just like me. Of course my only comment back is that I want to be in a relationship based on respect and honesty and also back in April I told him NEVER to step foot in this house drunk, and he has done so countless times. So when I tell him he has broken his broken his promises and disregarded the boundaries i set - that's when he says I'm so controlling and I won't give him a chance to have freedom and not get drunk. My comeback of course is he has a chance every day to NOT get drunk and lie to me but because he is free to do what he wants he chooses this , not me. Anyway this all makes my head spin and I'm doing everything in my power not to turn into a raging lunatic. But after all this he ends it with "I'm sorry can't we just move on I love you ". Um. NO WAY!!! for those of you who might me in this situation- how do you interact with someone of this mentality? Feel free to read my past threads as I've been on a roller coaster through hell for quite some time.
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Maybe the two of you just are not suited for life together. He drinks and doesn't appear to have any intention of stopping. You told him not to come home drunk, but you say he has done so many times. You allowed that behavior to continue and now, he wonders why you are so angry.
We teach people how to treat us. If you allow this type of treatment, it will continue. How long do you plan to put up with it? If he won't change, then you will have to make a decision on whether or not to continue in the relationship.
We teach people how to treat us. If you allow this type of treatment, it will continue. How long do you plan to put up with it? If he won't change, then you will have to make a decision on whether or not to continue in the relationship.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Maybe the two of you just are not suited for life together. He drinks and doesn't appear to have any intention of stopping. You told him not to come home drunk, but you say he has done so many times. You allowed that behavior to continue and now, he wonders why you are so angry.
We teach people how to treat us. If you allow this type of treatment, it will continue. How long do you plan to put up with it? If he won't change, then you will have to make a decision on whether or not to continue in the relationship.
We teach people how to treat us. If you allow this type of treatment, it will continue. How long do you plan to put up with it? If he won't change, then you will have to make a decision on whether or not to continue in the relationship.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Perhaps you can evict him? I don't know that you can get a restraining order unless he is abusive. Is he?
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Alcoholism is an illness. Lying is simply one of the symptoms. Taking away alcohol doesn't get rid of the disease, as the "isms" are still there. Many alcoholics are good people. Some aren't. This disease doesn't discriminate.
Recovery is an option for us, as much as any alcoholic.
At Al-anon this morning I heard good things in good timing. Meetings, sponsors and taking new actions can make a difference in letting go of the chaos and developing new life skills. The skills I learned from alcoholism, and earlier in my life from a very dysfunctional FOO, worked to keep me safe -- such as manipulation, attempting to control others and not seeing the danger I was in. There was a point I wanted something different.
Recovery is an option for us, as much as any alcoholic.
At Al-anon this morning I heard good things in good timing. Meetings, sponsors and taking new actions can make a difference in letting go of the chaos and developing new life skills. The skills I learned from alcoholism, and earlier in my life from a very dysfunctional FOO, worked to keep me safe -- such as manipulation, attempting to control others and not seeing the danger I was in. There was a point I wanted something different.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Amusic, It’s not going to get better and I’m kind of sure it’s going to get worse. Been there and done that. I have a restraining order because my AXF became abusive and that escalated until I was in danger almost daily, along with my dog. If it’s your apartment, tell him to leave and don’t let him back in. He’s going to continue to lie because that’s what they do. I’m still trying to settle personal and real property and my AXF still lies and gets caught in them by attorneys—but he still insists it’s true. I am so thankful I am rid of him.
Kick him out and move on.
Kick him out and move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Amusic
I want to move out. Lease is in my name. Last resort is a restraining order.
Went back and read your original thread, I remember now. Did you look in to breaking the lease?
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Originally Posted by Amusic
He blames me says that I'm controlling .... I told him NEVER to step foot in this house drunk, and he has done so countless times. So when I tell him he has broken his broken his promises and disregarded the boundaries i set - that's when he says I'm so controlling and I won't give him a chance to have freedom...]
Is he being jerky? Sure he is. But demanding that he never come home drunk is just setting yourself up for a conflict (or a few days of the mutual silent treatment.) A cleaner, less stressful and more empowering approach would be for you to think about what your boundaries are, what you are and are not willing to live with and to stand by your decision. Boundaries are limits that you have in place for you with no control of him necessary. He is free to choose his behavior and you are free to limit your exposure to him in any way that feels right for you.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
He is right, you are attempting to control him and take away his freedom. How's it working out? Boundaries are not for others to respect or violate, boundaries are for us. Telling him never to step foot in the house when he's drunk - that's a rule, an attempt to control his behavior. A boundary would be, "If he steps foot in this house drunk, I will choose to......" A boundary is a limit that we set for ourselves, a line between what we will and will not tolerate. We do have control over our boundaries and the consequences we set. We do not have control over others and when we attempt to maintain control, well, you're living it.
Is he being jerky? Sure he is. But demanding that he never come home drunk is just setting yourself up for a conflict (or a few days of the mutual silent treatment.) A cleaner, less stressful and more empowering approach would be for you to think about what your boundaries are, what you are and are not willing to live with and to stand by your decision. Boundaries are limits that you have in place for you with no control of him necessary. He is free to choose his behavior and you are free to limit your exposure to him in any way that feels right for you.
Is he being jerky? Sure he is. But demanding that he never come home drunk is just setting yourself up for a conflict (or a few days of the mutual silent treatment.) A cleaner, less stressful and more empowering approach would be for you to think about what your boundaries are, what you are and are not willing to live with and to stand by your decision. Boundaries are limits that you have in place for you with no control of him necessary. He is free to choose his behavior and you are free to limit your exposure to him in any way that feels right for you.
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Originally Posted by Amusic
I see what you are saying. You're right.
Make no mistake, this is beyond beyond excruciating. Unfortunately it is the only way to make a change to an impossible situation.
Let us know how you get on.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
You're going to figure this out Amusic. Start working on a plan of what you are going to do to get yourself out of the situation. This is the part you get to control. Is it possible for you to get out of the lease? Would it be better for him to leave?
Make no mistake, this is beyond beyond excruciating. Unfortunately it is the only way to make a change to an impossible situation.
Let us know how you get on.
Make no mistake, this is beyond beyond excruciating. Unfortunately it is the only way to make a change to an impossible situation.
Let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He is an adult, he can live as he see fit.
You are an adult, you can live as you see fit.
When you have had enough, you will take the necessary steps, and exit the crazy train madness.
As long as you allow this , it will continue. If you want change , YOU are going to have to be the change.
I am reading Your pain and absolute frustration , and I truly feel for you. This is no way to live, you deserve better. Save yourself.
It all begins and ends in our minds. What we give power to, is what controls us. As long as we allow it.
Time to address your life needs.
You are an adult, you can live as you see fit.
When you have had enough, you will take the necessary steps, and exit the crazy train madness.
As long as you allow this , it will continue. If you want change , YOU are going to have to be the change.
I am reading Your pain and absolute frustration , and I truly feel for you. This is no way to live, you deserve better. Save yourself.
It all begins and ends in our minds. What we give power to, is what controls us. As long as we allow it.
Time to address your life needs.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'll echo what marie said; It's up to you to be your own change here. Not saying that to give him a 'pass',but he's not shown any glimpse of wanting change and seems content in his current situation. Start the formal eviction process(if needed) on Monday morning via the proper channels. Then file for a restraining order if needed. That's what the courts would have me do where I live anyways.
Edit: He can't sue you over his moving expenses..come'on. That's a lame attempt at manipulation.
Edit: He can't sue you over his moving expenses..come'on. That's a lame attempt at manipulation.
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You can start by not listening to what he says he will do and finding things out on your own. Have you spoken to your landlord? Looked into what an eviction will entail what everyone's rights are? He is playing and banking on your fear and lack of understanding of the situation--you don't have to let him do that.
As for how to cope in the meantime, stop expecting him to be anything other than exactly what he is--an active addict with no intention of changing. When you start accepting that, you will not be blind-sided by his behavior.
As for how to cope in the meantime, stop expecting him to be anything other than exactly what he is--an active addict with no intention of changing. When you start accepting that, you will not be blind-sided by his behavior.
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Originally Posted by Amusic
He told me his life depends on me and that he will sue me if I don't pay to move all his stuff out. These are the things he says to me when he is sober.
I let my AXH pull this kind of crap on me for years. I hope you can muster more strength and clear thinking than I did when I was in your situation.
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Laws vary by where you live, but there has to be a legal solution to getting him out. Do talk to your landlord. If you know an atty, I'd talk to them too. How much longer is on your lease? Could you put a special lock on your door to protect yourself? (If you have a 2 BR, he can sleep in it, or, since he's fine with sleeping on the floor, let him have that or the couch!)
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