Awal

YING...So...l arrive home from work and there is a big box sitting on the sofa. AH sits smiling and says its for me and to open it.
He seems in a good mood.
Anyway, l open it, its a CD player/radio. Very nice as my passion in life is music. I think how kind and thoughtful. YANG I go over to kiss him and my heart sinks...l smell booze on him. l don't say l word except to ask how much he paid for it..and he says "don't spoil the surprise but talking money" l didn't have the heart to tell him it was spoiled as soon as l kissed his boozy lips.

hopeful4

Ugh. That stinks.

Sending you a big hug.

dandylion

Awal……..well....what can you say.....
Might as well enjoy the gift for what it is. Your life goes on...and, you need to find some things to enjoy, on a day to day basis.....
After all, he seems to have no plans to get help or quit drinking....so, if you stay angry at him drinking, it will spoil even the good things or good moments to be had....(lol...don't take away your own pleasures just because you are mad at him)….
I don't need to remind you that being angry, all the time, is bad for your mental health...and, physical health.....

Awal

To me it appears he is trying to make life better for me in other ways..i.e taking me out for dinner on Thursday, buying the CD player yesterday, even came and cuddled me in bed for a few minutes this morning.
He has suggested we go a walk together with the dog sometime over the weekend too.
But he isn't offering what would really make our life together better...cutting out the secretive side of his life.
Oh well...we should be thankful for small mercies.
As you say Dandylion, life has to go on.

honeypig

Awal, once I found out about my ex's drinking, this was very much how it was at my house too. This went on for a couple of years, eventually ending a 19-year marriage. We are now over 3 years divorced but still in touch. This aspect of things is still the same. He buys me things that I need. He comes over a couple of times each month and helps me w/projects around the place. We occasionally will walk w/the dogs. If I've made a big pot of soup or pan of lasagna, I will give him some to take home, thinking that IF he eats it, it will be better for him than the Chinese takeout he lives on otherwise.

BUT HE STILL DRINKS. And I harbor no illusions about that. I would never, never be able to take that constant roller coaster of hope, lies, discovery, and disillusion again. He is what he is. And I'm what I am. We spent a long time together. He is not completely OUT of my life, no. But he is only IN to the extent that I choose to allow and that he is willing to give. And for now, this is OK. No expectations on my part, so I can't really be disappointed.

As dandy and others have said, your A seems to have no real intention of sobering up either. When you finally truly accept that, things will start to change for you, and perhaps not in the ways you'd think they would.

PhoenixJ

Bittersweet to be sure. I used to do that- with my ex (I was the AH). There were many inferred selfish reasons for my generosity (I am only talking about me here), but I still did the gift stuff- even before booze overshadowed my life- so there was genuine intent there- and love. Booze however was a spoiler.
Support to you.

Awal

Thank you for sharing this with me. I am starting to realise that he isn't going to change, and that l have to. Its hard to be selfish though (although l remind myself frequently that he is also being selfish in a way) but l am trying hard to put myself first even though it goes against my nature.
l wouldn't believe a promise to stop drinking even if he made me one...actions speak louder than words.
He isn't a bad man, just a very hurting and sick one.

FallenAngelina

Putting ourselves first is not selfishness, it is a component of health. All of us who were taught to put others first were taught codependence. What we call selfishness is what happens when a person has lost touch with his/her own healthy boundaries. Prioritizing our own ongoing well being is the bedrock of all healthy relationships.

honeypig

This is exactly how I feel about XAH. He fixed things around the house, mowed the large lawn, did a phenomenal amount of work on our vehicles--in short, was a really good guy an awful lot of the time.

However, while all this was going on, he was also withdrawing money from our savings and spending it on booze and cigarettes w/o my knowledge, let alone consent. He was hiding upstairs in his model airplane building studio, drinking, on a daily basis. He was lying to me about everything under the sun, even if there would have been no harm at all in telling the truth. So he was a really BAD guy an awful lot of the time, too.

After I got over the worst of my feelings of anger and betrayal, I came to understand that yes, he was "hurting and sick." But he was still completely unwilling to do anything to change that. And he still is. Years later.

The only changes that were going to happen were the ones I made myself. And that doesn't include changing HIM...

Clover71

SmallButMighty

You can add my AXH as another one of the guys who could be very good TO me. That didn't mean he was good FOR me.

My AXH was wonderful about all the material and physical parts of a relationship.

My AXH was horrible about being honest and the emotional aspects of a relationship.

It's a difficult paradox to live with.

trailmix

I agree it is not selfish and I also understand how it goes against the grain.

It's not easy to put yourself first when that has not been your focus/norm but it is imperative.

If you are not looking out for yourself, who exactly is going to do that?