Post-Court Date Yuck

Old 11-30-2018, 11:42 AM
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Post-Court Date Yuck

Today I saw my ex-AH in court. The degree to which alcohol has stolen everything that was good in his life and has shattered him completely was more evident than ever. It is so incredibly painful to see him this way.

He's turned into a really awful person - to me, and often to my kids. I have so much anger and worry about having to share my kids with him- that it amazes me that I feel so much sadness towards him in his current condition.

Just when I think I've reached a point where I have broken the ties of empathy and am able to compartmentalize and focus only on what is best for my kids, the grief of his life lost to addiction slaps me in the face.

Although I continue to make progress towards distancing myself and breaking old ties, today this feels like an impossible situation. Yuck.
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Old 11-30-2018, 12:04 PM
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Yuck indeed.

I completely get this. I often feel empathy for my XAH even though he is also the person I cannot stand the most in this world. I think that when you share children with someone, there is always some sort of feeling there, want it or not. You want them to thrive and be a good parent, to be well.

This is not a bad thing. You don't want to lose empathy in life. You are taking the right actions, and that is what is important.
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Old 11-30-2018, 01:34 PM
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I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. I don't think it's weird at all. You hate his disease, not him. You know he was a good person before addiction destroyed him. It's extremely painful to see someone you love/loved suffering. I think especially when help is out there and all they have to do is reach out.
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Old 12-01-2018, 09:49 AM
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I experience the same thing. It’s like a death without a corpse. The person I loved and was married to is as gone as if he had been hit by a bus. But he’s also still present, except the version of him today is composed of rage, mental illness and addiction (and rapid deterioration). I too find it hard to grieve for what was lost at the same time as having to deal with the nightmare that he is now.

It is really sad to see a life lost to addiction, as you say, and the fact that it saddens you is a completely healthy response.
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Old 12-01-2018, 03:36 PM
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It’s hard to see them so debilitated when you knew the person they used to be. I’m so thankful to be rid of him—still from the perspective that he is a human being and used to have a good life and now skims the gutter, it’s difficult. Don’t feel guilty, he brought this on himself.

Best to you.
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Old 12-02-2018, 09:36 PM
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I could have written this! My XAH blatantly lied to the judge and it was ugly to watch. He had his new pregnant girlfriend and father there so I didn’t feel too bad for him. But I still feel sorry for him on a regular basis which is crazy! I should not!

I can also relate to the fear and anger about him being around the kids. Even after my court date, in which he now has supervised custody only, I find myself terrified for what he will pull next.
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