alwayscovering

As I have said previously AH is sober and not by choice...we're almost at 3 weeks. I feel slightly guilty at the pleasure I feel not having to worry about what I'm going to come home to...or leaving the kids alone with him.

We had an interesting thing happen this week where some stuff came back on his background check for work that had been resolved but was showing unresolved. (from 18 years ago) Fortunately, like me, my MIL keeps every scrap of paper that comes into her possession and we were able to take it to the court to clear it up. Though we had to sit there all day. AH was super angry though because it pushed back his start date. On the way home, he started beating on the steering wheel and told me he needed a drink. I said "how about you beat on the punching bag instead?" He just glared at me. I was really trying to be helpful. I am not spending what little money we have on alcohol. Sorry not sorry. Later at home he was brooding and kinda being a jackass so I got up and left the room. Later he apologized. I realize that this behavior is due to no recovery, just not drinking.

I went to a meeting and relayed the story and another member said I should have asked if he wanted to go to a meeting. I think that would have set him off.

I'm still feeling conflicted. I admit it's a lot more peaceful because he's not drinking and being a complete raging @sshole. BUT I know he's miserable and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm still resentful that he checked out for so long and now that he's checked back in, he feels like he has the right to complain about how and when things get done. I've done very well not saying anything hateful in response though. I usually take a deep breath before I respond to make sure crazy stuff doesn't come out. Now I just respond with "wow yea, sorry that didn't get done, I could really use your help." Then he does it.

LovePeaceSushi

Yes, it sounds like he is "white knuckling it", and looking for a reason to drink.

You are doing great. Don't engage his alcoholic demon. And your feelings of resentment are normal. The other day I actually said out loud how "I wish *I* could go into rehab for a month". Now, I didn't mean that, but what I was really expressing was that I wish I could just take off from all my responsibilities for a month and have everyone else hold the fort down for me while I do it.

....I think instead of rehab I'd choose the Caribbean, though.

hearthealth

Recovery is his process. My job is to understand when being supportive is saying the right thing or not saying anything. When it involves my desires I speak up when the time is appropriate. When it's about him I have learned over time to step back for awhile. It's hard living with sober but not in recovery. I never know when or where issues will appear.

dandylion

alwayscovering…...when a person starts to feel guilty about "normal".....that is a sure sign of how much the alcoholism has impacted a person.....

You actually feel guilty that you don't have to fear what you come home to...and guilty that you don't have to fear leaving the kids with their father....

These are things that are considered normal and expected in non-alcoholic families......they never even think about it.....


A question----alwayscovering...do you think that, sometimes, actually feel his feelings FOR him.…….?

trailmix

Why are you apologizing? I am guessing these are like housework things?

I'm also going to guess that being sober and not in any type of recovery and trying to deal with emotions must be its own kind of hell. Scary, frustrating a constant aggravation.

I wouldn't be apologizing though. He is certainly entitled to his opinion but if you keep putting yourself on the back-foot that could become the norm, where you get blamed for everything and get to apologize. If the dishes aren't done, that's no one's "fault" it just is.

It's really about taking his frustration out on you.

I lived with my Father for a while, as an adult, after returning from another country - so it was a transitional thing (he was an alcoholic). So as the only female in the house I pretty much got stuck with the housework at that time. Long story short he decides to "attack" one day. The house is not clean (enough)! I said what are you talking about, show me. So he takes me in to the bathroom and shows me some dust in the corner lol

I said oh that's too bad, if you don't like that you should clean it.

See how ridiculous that is? I was in my early 20's at the time and had a lot going on and this grown man was concerned about some dust in a corner. Or he was just being an ass.

But I certainly wouldn't apologize.

Sorry, I can't remember if your Husband is doing any kind of recovery work? I hope so. Without any new tools, this frustration will be ongoing.

alwayscovering

Hes not. I gave up trying to get him to do it. His PTSD is bad. The nightmares are coming back. He could go to the VA but we won't. He left a letter sitting on the counter yesterday. It was asking him to please come in and register for substance abuse treatment.

I was looking more for a way to get him to realize that he could do it too without being an @sshole l because I am. Usually I would be an @ss and say "if you want it done so badly you do it." That's always causes fights and I'm not willing to fight with him.

trailmix

Right, I remember now.

Yes, I hope that works, that he will see that it's a shared responsibility. Snapping back is a bad pattern to get in to (for either party) so I commend you for taking control of that.

Sadly there is no easy way through this is there.

hopeful4

Good for you not to engage too much. I can imaging having to go to court and it setting back a work start date would cause HUGE anxiety for someone already struggling. I know when I was w/my XAH, I let his family step in during his court issues b/c I just could not deal with it. It ticked him off, but I had to focus on me and my kids at that point. I am glad it was resolved for him though.

Keep going to meetings. Keep taking good care of YOU!