Awal

This morning l saw the level of the contents of the brandy bottle...tonight the level has gone up! Obviously been at it while I've been at work and topped it up...but a little too far. He's got a new game now...drink and replace instead of hide and seek (although he is hiding his top up bottle). And yes l know...l shouldn't be looking but god its hard not to!

dandylion

Awal…...at this point....look...or, don't look. In the overall picture, it won't matter, I think....
Because, this is not about brandy levels or even alcohol....it is about the fact that you want and need something different than he is wanting/needing, right now....
At baseline, it looks, to me, like you two are in two different places...different pages....looking at life through two different filters.....
It is what it is...
Hard, I know.....

Bekindalways

Feel whatever you feel about it even the guilt at checking up on him. Just don't react. Let the feelings come let them go and think about what you need to do right now to focus on you and what you need . . . . yep, it's not easy when the closest person to you is imploding.

trailmix

Yes, it doesn't matter, don't kick yourself about looking at the brandy, I would be too if I was in your shoes to be honest.

Not because I would care that he was drinking, just out of curiosity (but that's me). It's not like you are looking through his personal papers.

Plus, isn't it kind of like, is what I know true? Is this really real? I mean he downplays it like it's no big deal, he is still sneaking drinks, nothing has changed but he implies it has.

See, I'm getting a drink - all out in the open here - leaving my empty glass on the table!

It may not be intentional but it is gas-lighting - he is showing you one thing something else is going on, which your instincts tell you, but he is telling you something different.

It's a mind game and it's no fun.

Awal

once again he is taking me for a fool...she will think im drinking in moderation...'"she wont know lve topped up the bottle"...he makes this throat clearing noise when im in bed. I think the drink is burning his throat.

dandylion

Awal…..he knows he is drinking. You know he is drinking.
There is no secret.
He wants to drink....and, keep you off his back.
You want him to not drink...period.
Two different goals. Two different motivations.
There can never be a "meeting of the minds" in this matter.
He is miserable (it is not fun to be an alcoholic). And...it drives you Krazy….
Eventually....something has to change....in a more major way...
You seem to do much better when you are not in close proximity to him and the household....

trailmix

Maybe - or maybe he's just trying to drink and fooling you or not is not his main focus - drinking is.

If I fill this up I can drink more later and not get in to trouble. If I drink this now while she's out she won't know and I can have 5 drinks after she goes to bed.

I don't know - I just wouldn't take it personally - as is said around here, he's not drinking "at" you, he's just drinking.

53500

This says it all. There is no middle ground. He wants to drink. You can't stand it. You don't even trust him to take care of your dog for a day (which makes perfect sense as he can't be trusted). It's not sustainable, IMO. Sorry, Awal.

Clover71

Surfbee

Remember that feeling you had when you couldn't care less about what he was doing....!

SmallButMighty

You told him you just wanted him to be honest about the drinking. Refilling the bottle is lying about how much he is drinking. His drunk brain probably rationalizes it as different. We all know exactly how dishonest it is.

Addicts lie about their consumption. It's a universal truth that will never change. In my experience, drunks can not be trusted.

When you find the strength not to try and understand it, or monitor it, you will feel more at peace. For me to achieve peace I had to leave my AXH. I was driving myself insane when I lived within the confines of a home that included an active alcoholic.

Wishing for you peace and clarity.

atalose

He’s not taking you for a fool he’s just doing what many alcoholics do. He isn’t pouring more into that bottle and thinking to himself, I got her fooled now. He’s pouring more into that bottle reassuring his supply is maintained.

marie1960

If you continue to hold on to the need to be “ in the know” of every ounce he consumes, you are going to make yourself pretty miserable.

How are these “A -HA” revelations benefitting you? Your health and well being are going to suffer if you continue to try to monitor/ control an uncontrollable situation.

Truly the insanity of this disease is enough to drive us over the deep, Focus, focus, focus, on YOU. Preserve your physical and mental health.

trailmix

As marie says above, this is the ticket!

So, your Husband drinks and lies about it. You tell him, drink if you must but stop the lying, I don't like lying, I hate lying, don't lie.

He says ok, I shall drink and be honest about it.

He continues to drink and to lie.

So that's that. There is no use going over this old ground with him. I'm sure you have discussed it more than once and everyone knows the score.

If you continue to expect him to go along with what you have requested you are requesting that he change. That is not going to happen at this point (as has been proven).

All you can do is look after yourself. You made a request, it has not come to fruition, the only person you can control is yourself and how you react. You can decide to ignore it, let it go, he's going to drink and he's going to lie about it and refill bottles etc.

Or you choose not to accept this. Now what that means to you is up to you. Whether that means living as room-mates, moving out or having him move out or carrying on as you have been, that is all up to you, it's up to you what you can put up with and up to you what you can't put up with and how you will address that.

That's hard, I know. The options suck and if he would get it together there wouldn't be this mess! Unfortunately that's not how it's going and that's not how addiction works and you are left with this very hard decision.

Take a deep breath, the sun still came up this morning Awal, you still have your house and food and a warm bed to sleep in. You have people who care about you and who you can talk to (including us). It's going to be ok.

LovePeaceSushi

Oh Awal, how I can relate. Mine is doing the same thing. Being "in the open" and "tapering off", all the while he is staying in active addiction and hiding bottles. Don't feel guilty for looking. In fact, sometimes as sad as what I find is, I have to chuckle to myself that either he was that drunk or he thinks I'm that stupid. Hang in there.

Awal

Thank you to you all...
lt helps so much to hear from people who really understand. I hear what you say and know what l have to do and what not to do. Im still learning about this condition and with your help am realising the gravity of it. I would be lost without you right now 💖