Are these signs of an alcholic?
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Are these signs of an alcholic?
So this may be long... first time posting. So my husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10 yrs and 1 7 yr old son. We met in a bar, yes I know not the best, I bartended and he drank. he used to drink terribly, pass out in the snow outside sleep in the car cause I couldn't get him out. He got so drunk one night he literally died and had to be taken to the hospital. So after that night I told him that I didn't want that life and I wouldn't do it anymore, my dad was an addict and I knew better. So he changed he stopped drinking then we got married. Slowly the drinking picked back up, then our son was born and honestly we couldn't afford his drinking. So he would occasionally have a few beers here and there or a mixed drink. I am a stay at home mom for our son and have been since he was 6 months old, I went back to work for 1 MONTH and we split days to keep him so we didn't pay child care, he said it was too hard on him to keep watching him so we decided I would stay with him. I love my job by the way !!! So for the last few years he has picked the drinking back up, he has a very good job now. I used to ask "how much did you drink last night?" "Didn't you just buy a case of beer 2 days ago?" He goes to work and he also goes to school online a few days a week and has been for the last 4 years. I have been finding empty liquor bottles in the garage, all sizes, whiskey, moonshine. He started pretty much living in the garage for the last year. He comes home sees our son for 30 minutes then he's in the garage until 1am-4am. One of his best friends said he can't talk to him in the evening when he calls cause he's already drunk by 10pm. I knew he was drinking but I feel like he also started hiding how much he was actually drinking. I confronted him about his bad attitude one day before the drinking started and he said he was in a funk... now the next night I get up at 12pm go to the garage and say why don't you just come to bed, he then goes into telling me how we aren't the same people anymore when we had a kid things changed. He started to get and said he needs to leave that he has to drink so much to get him thru to the next day and he's been having panic attacks and his chest hurts and his legs and feet start to tingle. He also tells me he has to drink to be at our home cause he doesn't want to be here and doesn't want to come home or sleep in the same bed, but he still came to the bed to sleep. He tells me all the things wrong with me and I just sit there and listen, I was blind sided but I still held my cool. He did leave, he got up packed a bag and has been gone to his mom's for 1 week and now his brothers for 4 weeks. When he wanted to have sex he either couldn't preform or couldn't "finish", We are in our 30's. I am just wondering if he is an alcholic or am i crazy? He has me believing this is normal and I know it's not. But my question is what makes someone an alcholic? Is this the type of behavior or is this deppresion, I know the 2 can be connected.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
He told you he has to drink to stand being at home. Alcoholic or not, he is not engaging with the family. He is withdrawn and blaming you. Honestly, this relationship is over and you deserve better. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He is definitely an alcoholic. He is showing you who he is, believe him. It's miserable to live with someone like that for the rest of your life. It sounds like he was an addict when you met him. Is there more going on?? Who knows. Ultimately, the "why" does not matter, just the actions. I know that is hard to grasp, but it's definitely truth.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by Familylove 
So this may be long... first time posting. So my husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10 yrs and 1 7 yr old son. We met in a bar, yes I know not the best, I bartended and he drank. he used to drink terribly, pass out in the snow outside sleep in the car cause I couldn't get him out. He got so drunk one night he literally died and had to be taken to the hospital. So after that night I told him that I didn't want that life and I wouldn't do it anymore, my dad was an addict and I knew better. So he changed he stopped drinking then we got married. Slowly the drinking picked back up, then our son was born and honestly we couldn't afford his drinking. So he would occasionally have a few beers here and there or a mixed drink. I am a stay at home mom for our son and have been since he was 6 months old, I went back to work for 1 MONTH and we split days to keep him so we didn't pay child care, he said it was too hard on him to keep watching him so we decided I would stay with him. I love my job by the way !!! So for the last few years he has picked the drinking back up, he has a very good job now. I used to ask "how much did you drink last night?" "Didn't you just buy a case of beer 2 days ago?" He goes to work and he also goes to school online a few days a week and has been for the last 4 years. I have been finding empty liquor bottles in the garage, all sizes, whiskey, moonshine. He started pretty much living in the garage for the last year. He comes home sees our son for 30 minutes then he's in the garage until 1am-4am. One of his best friends said he can't talk to him in the evening when he calls cause he's already drunk by 10pm. I knew he was drinking but I feel like he also started hiding how much he was actually drinking. I confronted him about his bad attitude one day before the drinking started and he said he was in a funk... now the next night I get up at 12pm go to the garage and say why don't you just come to bed, he then goes into telling me how we aren't the same people anymore when we had a kid things changed. He started to get and said he needs to leave that he has to drink so much to get him thru to the next day and he's been having panic attacks and his chest hurts and his legs and feet start to tingle. He also tells me he has to drink to be at our home cause he doesn't want to be here and doesn't want to come home or sleep in the same bed, but he still came to the bed to sleep. He tells me all the things wrong with me and I just sit there and listen, I was blind sided but I still held my cool. He did leave, he got up packed a bag and has been gone to his mom's for 1 week and now his brothers for 4 weeks. When he wanted to have sex he either couldn't preform or couldn't "finish", We are in our 30's. I am just wondering if he is an alcholic or am i crazy? He has me believing this is normal and I know it's not. But my question is what makes someone an alcholic? Is this the type of behavior or is this deppresion, I know the 2 can be connected.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am not sure I totally agree with that. My XAH is most definitely an alcoholic and it was quite eye opening to me to hear him admit, in front of me, to a therapist, that he drinks because he is bored. He has this idea that he should have had this extraordinary life and cannot stand that he is just a regular guy. Sad but true. Now, throw in that I believe he has a Personality Disorder here.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
There was a Billboard as opposed to a sign prior to getting married. I totally disagree however that Alcoholism is a symptom of "something else". It is what it is and stands on its own. Alcoholism is merely an inability to control the amount one drinks when they start and then runs a progressive course. There may be contributing factors or it may just be genetic. Yes, the signs are all there.
Were Alcoholism an "emotional issue" totally, then it would be cured when the emotional issue is overcome. The phenomena of craving comes from drinking in and of itself. The solution is to not introduce the substance in the first place. Addressing emotional issues can be an aid of course when they exist, but by no means are causative in the first place in many if not most cases.
Were Alcoholism an "emotional issue" totally, then it would be cured when the emotional issue is overcome. The phenomena of craving comes from drinking in and of itself. The solution is to not introduce the substance in the first place. Addressing emotional issues can be an aid of course when they exist, but by no means are causative in the first place in many if not most cases.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by totfit
I totally disagree however that Alcoholism is a symptom of "something else". It is what it is and stands on its own. Alcoholism is merely an inability to control the amount one drinks when they start and then runs a progressive course. There may be contributing factors or it may just be genetic. Yes, the signs are all there.
Were Alcoholism an "emotional issue" totally, then it would be cured when the emotional issue is overcome. The phenomena of craving comes from drinking in and of itself.
Were Alcoholism an "emotional issue" totally, then it would be cured when the emotional issue is overcome. The phenomena of craving comes from drinking in and of itself.
What I did in effect was to recognize a crucial short cut in solving my problem: Cut out trying to find a reason why you drink. It's a waste of time. Just go to step three from the get go, and stop drinking. You can sort out the rest of the crap later with a clearer head.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Familylove and welcome, sorry for what brings you here of course but glad you found us!
There are many reasons why people drink, but it is not uncommon for alcoholics to pretty much blame everyone except the drinker. You don't make him drink by the way - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
There is some good information in our stickies section at the top of the forum here that you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also articles here that are very informative:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Have you looked at attending Al-Anon meetings at all? Those meetings are for friends and family of drinkers and focus on you and your life and how you can set boundaries, detach from the behaviour and overall support YOU. It's not about how to "fix" the alcoholic.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
Oh and no it's not normal and no, you aren't crazy.
There are many reasons why people drink, but it is not uncommon for alcoholics to pretty much blame everyone except the drinker. You don't make him drink by the way - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
There is some good information in our stickies section at the top of the forum here that you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also articles here that are very informative:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Have you looked at attending Al-Anon meetings at all? Those meetings are for friends and family of drinkers and focus on you and your life and how you can set boundaries, detach from the behaviour and overall support YOU. It's not about how to "fix" the alcoholic.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
Oh and no it's not normal and no, you aren't crazy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by hopeful4
He is definitely an alcoholic. He is showing you who he is, believe him. It's miserable to live with someone like that for the rest of your life. It sounds like he was an addict when you met him. Is there more going on?? Who knows. Ultimately, the "why" does not matter, just the actions. I know that is hard to grasp, but it's definitely truth.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
in August we went on vacation and then came back and found out my mother has lung cancer, so that has been a whirlwind of emotions. I had said to him I don't want my mom to die and he said to me everyone dies. So from then on I stopped talking to him about my mom. Then Sept we found out his aunt has cervical cancer and she actually just died from it last weekend. So we have other things going on in our lives that have been stresses. I guess I didn't want to admit he was an addict. Since he has been gone I checked his garage and found a weed stash, I threw it away cause I don't want that in the house with my son. He came back a week or so later looking for it and checking empty beer boxes he left behind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Familylove and welcome, sorry for what brings you here of course but glad you found us!
There are many reasons why people drink, but it is not uncommon for alcoholics to pretty much blame everyone except the drinker. You don't make him drink by the way - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you looked at attending Al-Anon meetings at all? Those meetings are for friends and family of drinkers and focus on you and your life and how you can set boundaries, detach from the behaviour and overall support YOU. It's not about how to "fix" the alcoholic.
Oh and no it's not normal and no, you aren't crazy.
There are many reasons why people drink, but it is not uncommon for alcoholics to pretty much blame everyone except the drinker. You don't make him drink by the way - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you looked at attending Al-Anon meetings at all? Those meetings are for friends and family of drinkers and focus on you and your life and how you can set boundaries, detach from the behaviour and overall support YOU. It's not about how to "fix" the alcoholic.
Oh and no it's not normal and no, you aren't crazy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 7
I know it's over. I know I can't change him. I AM working on me and bettering myself. I went today to sign up for school so that I can provide for my son, so super excited about that. I love him and I wanted us to work but it can't. I did see him a couple weeks ago and he looks very pale, eyes sunken back in his head and I felt really sorry for him but I can't go there. He says shebis doing better now that he is gone and that he no longer has to drink, I don't believe him, but I actually am doing better now. I do have days I miss him but after 15 years I guess that's to be expected. I am looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Familylove. I'm glad you're reaching out for support; it can be really tough to do.
First: You're not crazy.
It's hard to say whether his behavior is 'normal' or not. It might be normal for him, but not for others. Honestly, it sounds like his drinking was not under his control back when you met, so I don't believe your family life is what was causing him to drink. IMO, it really just sounds like an excuse he's trying to offer.
So cool to hear that you're starting classes and feel like you're doing better. Congrats!
Originally Posted by Familylove
I am just wondering if he is an alcholic or am i crazy? He has me believing this is normal and I know it's not. But my question is what makes someone an alcholic? Is this the type of behavior or is this deppresion, I know the 2 can be connected.
It's hard to say whether his behavior is 'normal' or not. It might be normal for him, but not for others. Honestly, it sounds like his drinking was not under his control back when you met, so I don't believe your family life is what was causing him to drink. IMO, it really just sounds like an excuse he's trying to offer.
So cool to hear that you're starting classes and feel like you're doing better. Congrats!
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I am not sure I totally agree with that. My XAH is most definitely an alcoholic and it was quite eye opening to me to hear him admit, in front of me, to a therapist, that he drinks because he is bored. He has this idea that he should have had this extraordinary life and cannot stand that he is just a regular guy. Sad but true. Now, throw in that I believe he has a Personality Disorder here.
I know for myself, that when I find myself bored, a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol can bring me right out that feeling, but not in a healthy manner. I never use to think of myself as, "Helpless." How could a successful person (by social standards) be helpless? Well, the truth is I was helpless as to how I felt deep inside about circumstances that I found personally overwhelming. I don't think I've ever been bored when drunk, at least to myself. I'm quite sure I have been a boring ass to others though. lol.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by totfit
I totally disagree however that Alcoholism is a symptom of "something else". It is what it is and stands on its own. Alcoholism is merely an inability to control the amount one drinks when they start and then runs a progressive course. There may be contributing factors or it may just be genetic.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by totfit
There was a Billboard as opposed to a sign prior to getting married. I totally disagree however that Alcoholism is a symptom of "something else". It is what it is and stands on its own. Alcoholism is merely an inability to control the amount one drinks when they start and then runs a progressive course. There may be contributing factors or it may just be genetic. Yes, the signs are all there.
Were Alcoholism an "emotional issue" totally, then it would be cured when the emotional issue is overcome. The phenomena of craving comes from drinking in and of itself. The solution is to not introduce the substance in the first place. Addressing emotional issues can be an aid of course when they exist, but by no means are causative in the first place in many if not most cases.
Were Alcoholism an "emotional issue" totally, then it would be cured when the emotional issue is overcome. The phenomena of craving comes from drinking in and of itself. The solution is to not introduce the substance in the first place. Addressing emotional issues can be an aid of course when they exist, but by no means are causative in the first place in many if not most cases.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You already know he is. The real question is why you won't admit it and take steps to improve your life and protect your son from the miserable and horrendous life that it is to be the child of an alcoholic and a parent in denial about that fact. Please consider starting by attending Alanon meetings which are for you, and please don't use your child as the reason you can't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
You already know he is. The real question is why you won't admit it and take steps to improve your life and protect your son from the miserable and horrendous life that it is to be the child of an alcoholic and a parent in denial about that fact. Please consider starting by attending Alanon meetings which are for you, and please don't use your child as the reason you can't.
If you had read the posts you would see that he has already left the house and Familylove is looking forward to her first meeting tomorrow.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Please consider starting by attending Alanon meetings which are for you, and please don't use your child as the reason you can't.
Originally Posted by Familylove
I know it's over. I know I can't change him. I AM working on me and bettering myself. ....I am looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
You already know he is. The real question is why you won't admit it and take steps to improve your life and protect your son from the miserable and horrendous life that it is to be the child of an alcoholic and a parent in denial about that fact. Please consider starting by attending Alanon meetings which are for you, and please don't use your child as the reason you can't.
He is gone out of the house, I have cut off contact except when he calls our son. I am going to my first meeting tomorrow and I have enrolled myself in school so that I can do better to provide. I am actually getting a little excited about this new journey that I will be taking for me, not because it's what he told me to do, it's what I want.
so much of my life was controlled by him that I have to ask for an opinion cause I can't trust my own right now. I am seeing more and more with him gone and realizing just how toxic the relationship was. I really am trying to do better and my son is the number 1 reason. He is my whole world and I will always watch out for him
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by Familylove
I guess I've been in denial. I just gave up on asking how much did you drink last night and knowing when he got up he would be in a terrible mood so I just didn't talk to him much. I know I haven't done everything right. I was trying to understand how the man that I love, loves his booze more than us. I know it may not make sense, it doesn't make much sense to me. He can hold down an assistant resident engineer job and go to school and have enough time and energy to get drunk and watch sports but can't go to the park or movies with us .
He is gone out of the house, I have cut off contact except when he calls our son. I am going to my first meeting tomorrow and I have enrolled myself in school so that I can do better to provide. I am actually getting a little excited about this new journey that I will be taking for me, not because it's what he told me to do, it's what I want.
so much of my life was controlled by him that I have to ask for an opinion cause I can't trust my own right now. I am seeing more and more with him gone and realizing just how toxic the relationship was. I really am trying to do better and my son is the number 1 reason. He is my whole world and I will always watch out for him
He is gone out of the house, I have cut off contact except when he calls our son. I am going to my first meeting tomorrow and I have enrolled myself in school so that I can do better to provide. I am actually getting a little excited about this new journey that I will be taking for me, not because it's what he told me to do, it's what I want.
so much of my life was controlled by him that I have to ask for an opinion cause I can't trust my own right now. I am seeing more and more with him gone and realizing just how toxic the relationship was. I really am trying to do better and my son is the number 1 reason. He is my whole world and I will always watch out for him
I can relate to feeling lighter while missing him. And just like your husband, my ex is blaming me for feeling trapped. He also blames me for not having a career and is incredibly jealous of mine (I married him when he was 37, and I am 38 years old now, started my career at 27 while moving across the pond to be with him. So he had plenty of time to have a career before I ruined his life.
Our son son has special needs and XAH, while he sees him every other weekend and sometimes more, felt the need to move 4 hours away for some reason. Claims that being away is the only way for him to stay sober????? I don’t exactly follow but it’s a free county, and he is free to do as he pleases. His loss, raising my son is a privilege not a burden.
I am sure he was feeling trapped as he resents any responsibility and is acting and living like a 18 year old at best (his real age is 51). Alcoholics lack coping skills to deal with life - this is why they drink. So yes, in their alcoholic minds something is always wrong, and the world is against them, etc, etc. Many also cheat - due to entitlement and lack of coping skills. The world revolves around the almighty tantrumy alcoholic.
To each their own.
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