Court Tomorrow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Court Tomorrow
I have a custody court hearing tomorrow and I feel sick. Our divorce was final in July and after not taking Soberlink seriously, a few failed tests, and a significant alcohol related drinking accident, I am taking him back to court to change custody. XAH has been lying and taking no responsibility for his actions, and I have a lot of proof to show that he is lying, so I think it’s gonna be ugly for him. I didn’t want it to come to this! Court sounds terrifying to me. Answering questions from my attorney and his attorney sounds terrifying. Ugh. Luck, prayers, well wishes, thoughts needed please!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
I wish you well batchel!
It will be fine you now, yes, thinking about it is certainly nerve wracking! Just remember that everyone else there does this for a living, every day, the judge, the lawyers.
I hope your lawyer has spent some time going over it with you.
Anyway, I hope it's non-eventful for you, please let us know how it goes.
It will be fine you now, yes, thinking about it is certainly nerve wracking! Just remember that everyone else there does this for a living, every day, the judge, the lawyers.
I hope your lawyer has spent some time going over it with you.
Anyway, I hope it's non-eventful for you, please let us know how it goes.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
batchel9.…..I think that your dread of this is natural and nerve wracking......I don't know of anyone who "enjoys" going to court.....
I have been there myself!
I do think that you will be surprised that your fears are worse than the actual experience.....It does sound like you have done your homework.....
I will be thinking of you, tomorrow and wishing the best for you.....as will many others, here on SR!!
I have been there myself!
I do think that you will be surprised that your fears are worse than the actual experience.....It does sound like you have done your homework.....
I will be thinking of you, tomorrow and wishing the best for you.....as will many others, here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I felt the same before my ex and I had our day in court for custody. Something that helped me to focus: everything I was doing was to protect our child; everything he was doing was to protect his right to drink. Needless to say, his attitude did not impress the judge.
Sending much love your way today. And after court, do something very kind for yourself. I went home afterwards and had a hot bath and a good stress-releasing cry.
Sending much love your way today. And after court, do something very kind for yourself. I went home afterwards and had a hot bath and a good stress-releasing cry.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Like Ladyscribbler, I found that keeping DS at the front of my thoughts and remembering I was just trying to keep him safe, helped with the anxiety a little. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you strength, Batchel.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
One of my favorite quotes is:
"When you stop and look around this life is pretty amazing."
How did court go today, and what 3 good things not court-related happened today? Taking time to recognize and connect with good things helps me rebalance, gain confidence and enjoy life.
Thinking of you!
"When you stop and look around this life is pretty amazing."
How did court go today, and what 3 good things not court-related happened today? Taking time to recognize and connect with good things helps me rebalance, gain confidence and enjoy life.
Thinking of you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Today was quite a day. Two things. First...court. I won. I kicked butt in my testimony and answering questions. Said most of what I wanted to say. Was super prepared and organized. XAH came with his pocket calendar. Judge didn’t buy the excuses. We went from 50/50 2-2-3 custody using Soberlink (Soberlink expiring in March) to he gets the kids one evening per week from 4pm-8pm and every other weekend supervised all still using Soberlink, Soberlink now effective until March 2020. Guess we will see how things pan out in that timeframe. Makes me happy though for now. Except that his new girlfriend testified and the judge made her one of the approved supervisors. She seems ok, clearly blind as a bat, but was polite and well spoken. I would probably like her under normal circumstances. We will see how that one pans out in the order once written.
Second...... I found out this evening from my 6 year old that XAH’s girlfriend of 4 months is 3.5 months pregnant. Our divorce was final mid July and per my calcs, she was knocked up end of July. I feel like I’m living a Jerry Springer episode that I can’t turn off. I’m upset. No matter the time or how disgusted I am and happy I’m moving on....still feels like a punch to the gut that he just picks up and moves on with someone else at turbo speed. I’m pissed. I feel like he is failing his boys and now adding another to the mix? He decides today, when he tells them about reduced custody, is also a good day to tell them they are getting a sister???? WTFFFFF
Help me out folks. I’m a mess of emotions.
Second...... I found out this evening from my 6 year old that XAH’s girlfriend of 4 months is 3.5 months pregnant. Our divorce was final mid July and per my calcs, she was knocked up end of July. I feel like I’m living a Jerry Springer episode that I can’t turn off. I’m upset. No matter the time or how disgusted I am and happy I’m moving on....still feels like a punch to the gut that he just picks up and moves on with someone else at turbo speed. I’m pissed. I feel like he is failing his boys and now adding another to the mix? He decides today, when he tells them about reduced custody, is also a good day to tell them they are getting a sister???? WTFFFFF
Help me out folks. I’m a mess of emotions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
First of all, congratulations on keeping your cool today and kicking butt in the courtroom. I think you did well with what you received for custody.
I do think it's very odd that the judge appointed the girlfriend as an approved supervisor. On the one hand he/she is basically saying, this person cannot even be trusted to be around his own children for any length of time but I will appoint the person who chose him as a partner while he is in this mess. Oh well, still, you got a great ruling.
As for the whole pregnancy, new girlfriend situation, please remember that he has had years and years of drinking and numbing his feelings, that has not changed.
Oh feeling sad, how about a drink? Guilty? Happy? Tired? Stressed - a drink will solve that. He is making big, big life decisions but shows up at his custody hearing with a pocket calendar. Then the whole new Sister but reduced custody thing - seriously.
His judgement is way off, but you already know that. Please don't take whatever he is doing personally, he is focusing on him - and alcohol.
I do think it's very odd that the judge appointed the girlfriend as an approved supervisor. On the one hand he/she is basically saying, this person cannot even be trusted to be around his own children for any length of time but I will appoint the person who chose him as a partner while he is in this mess. Oh well, still, you got a great ruling.
As for the whole pregnancy, new girlfriend situation, please remember that he has had years and years of drinking and numbing his feelings, that has not changed.
Oh feeling sad, how about a drink? Guilty? Happy? Tired? Stressed - a drink will solve that. He is making big, big life decisions but shows up at his custody hearing with a pocket calendar. Then the whole new Sister but reduced custody thing - seriously.
His judgement is way off, but you already know that. Please don't take whatever he is doing personally, he is focusing on him - and alcohol.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I don't know the "why's" because I'm not an alcoholic. But from reading on these boards over the years, it seems to me that alcoholics drink so that they don't have to feel uncomfortable, painful emotions. That all of their actions are so that they don't have to feel uncomfortable, painful emotions.
It seems to me that whether they are drinking or replacing people in their lives immediately, it is all about not having to feel emotional pain. This only ends when they decide to leave the chaos behind.
Those of us who love them are just caught in their tornadoes of emotional chaos until we decide to detach from their actions.
For me, it was either the pain and confusion of the chaos or the pain of grieving the loss--but at least the pain of grieving the loss ends eventually. Brighter days to come!!
Hang in there!! You did great
It seems to me that whether they are drinking or replacing people in their lives immediately, it is all about not having to feel emotional pain. This only ends when they decide to leave the chaos behind.
Those of us who love them are just caught in their tornadoes of emotional chaos until we decide to detach from their actions.
For me, it was either the pain and confusion of the chaos or the pain of grieving the loss--but at least the pain of grieving the loss ends eventually. Brighter days to come!!
Hang in there!! You did great
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good job in court.
He is a piece of work, and is going to hurt all around him, including you. That is just who he is. I know you know this.
Their actions hurt. However, as time goes by, it will hurt a lot less.
Again, congrats for your good job in court! I know you are relieved that is behind you.
Big hugs.
He is a piece of work, and is going to hurt all around him, including you. That is just who he is. I know you know this.
Their actions hurt. However, as time goes by, it will hurt a lot less.
Again, congrats for your good job in court! I know you are relieved that is behind you.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am glad that court went well for you and that soberlink for him was extended. I am kind of surprised that the judge would allow someone who’s only been in your ex’s life for 4 short months to become a supervisor for visitations. I am assuming she must be living with him for that to have happened. I think it would be wise for you to remain on good terms with the new GF because the odds of this relationship actually working out for her and your ex her are slim and she would make a good witness in any future court hearings.
I can only imagine what a shock it must have been to you hearing that news from your six year old, that would have punched me in the gut as well.
I can only imagine what a shock it must have been to you hearing that news from your six year old, that would have punched me in the gut as well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It sounds like a very good court day - congratulations!
The pregnant girlfriend is coming out of left field - my first thought is that alcoholics are probably not reliable about birth control - planning for consequences is not their strong suit. My second thought is wow, way to make your sons feel disposable : dad isn't going to see us very often, and he's getting a replacement kid to boot. Self-centred, thoughtless, and entirely what one would expect from someone who drinks way too much. But still, quite a blow for you to absorb.
I second the stay-on-good-terms with the new pregnant girlfriend - my ex's second ex-wife was an invaluable resource for me in documenting his behavior which meant that he shouldn't have shared parenting of Kid, and I was equally useful to her in negotiating the terms of her own divorce from him (I knew how much a lot of the assets were actually worth).
The pregnant girlfriend is coming out of left field - my first thought is that alcoholics are probably not reliable about birth control - planning for consequences is not their strong suit. My second thought is wow, way to make your sons feel disposable : dad isn't going to see us very often, and he's getting a replacement kid to boot. Self-centred, thoughtless, and entirely what one would expect from someone who drinks way too much. But still, quite a blow for you to absorb.
I second the stay-on-good-terms with the new pregnant girlfriend - my ex's second ex-wife was an invaluable resource for me in documenting his behavior which meant that he shouldn't have shared parenting of Kid, and I was equally useful to her in negotiating the terms of her own divorce from him (I knew how much a lot of the assets were actually worth).
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