DriGuy

Strange things happen, but I wouldn't count on it. If it does, you can reassess the situation if you're still interested by then.

fightingfair

My ex had a similar history with friends and family of disappearing. IN the end, he really didn't have that many friends and it felt like I was the one initiating family stuff. He also had a similar situation with his ex-wife, although they had been divorced for years, where he really struggled with what he felt was abandoning her (although in a strange moment of clarity one time he actually admitted that she had left because he had put her through so much). His ex remarried recently, so maybe this precipitated his self described search for a life partner. There are also some years and relationships that always seemed vague.

My ex and I also had a similar argument over me replacing an HVAC system at my place because I had refused his help to split costs. (IN retrospect, I think he might've interpreted this as me wanting to keep finances separate in case things went south - which was in fact true).

I think, for me, the missing link in this rather incomplete and somewhat shady chronology is that something was up. Now I know what it probably was in part (vodka). Sure, it could be a nice guy self-medicating his guilt and shame away (which was my takeaway), but the key for me turning the page is that he very consciously and brutally made the decision that over me he preferred vodka. I have no idea really if it would've worked otherwise - but I don't really need to because that was the reality.

I'm so sorry for all your plans being spoiled also ... my family also liked my ex and I was very excited about our future together and combining families. But then I think that the future personal cost to me is now well worth the short term pain. Again, it is taking time and the perspective of others who ahve been there to fully "get it."

MsPrincess1980

trailmix

Impossible to say if he will reappear. I think it can't but help to read around and find out all you can about alcoholism so you know the facts for yourself. It will also help you to round out the picture of what just happened.

Whether he does or doesn't reappear, focusing back on yourself and what you want and what makes you happy is really key.

DriGuy

Here's a variation of that behavior, but probably a bit more goofy. A guy I knew from AA, with a good 20 years of sobriety behind him, suddenly dumped his wife, which everyone thought was strange, because he was always telling people how good natured and sweet his wife was, and I think she was indeed just that. Everyone else thought the same thing. She had the patience of a saint, and put up with constant crazy things her husband did. She left in tears when he told her to leave.

But here's where it gets nuts. After they split, he started telling everyone she had left him. Those that knew him knew it was a lie. Then suddenly he started acting all bitter and saying she was a bitch and yada yada...

The week she left, he threw away his 20 years, and started drinking again, carrying it to the extremes he did 20 years earlier. He also started smoking. He lived for another two or three years, and then died from some kind of liver disease, but I don't know the precise details. I had lost contact with him after the divorce. I assume getting blotto night after night didn't help his liver much.

But alcoholics do strange things, even in recovery, it seems. In his case, he did have some minor mental problems, probably unrelated to drinking, but I don't know for sure.

His ex is doing fine now. Last I talked to her, she was very happy with her life.

MsPrincess1980

trailmix

Not that weird maybe. He broke up with you twice before this last time and you ended up talking to him again. I'm just saying that people get attached, people can be friends, despite what has gone on, plus they have a child, she has perhaps forgiven him.

I'm sure there is much more to that story than you know. This drinking may have been going on for years? I think there may be a lot he hasn't revealed here. Not saying there is anything "sinister".

As for the family hating her, who knows what he told them but it was probably very one sided. Like this:

Now all of a sudden YOU are the reason for his drinking, the bad guy, the one to blame.

amy55

I'm an alcoholic, did I want this for myself, no, I didn't. I always knew I had tendencies that way. I also have a very mathematically and scientific mind. I always wanted to know the whys and the hows of everything.

I had a job that involved dealing with the public a lot. I never went to college, but I had people skills. I knew how to make people feel comfortable when they were talking to me. I was/am empathetic. In my job, there was never anyone who walked away from my desk feeling like I was looking down at them or that they were lesser then me. They walked away feeling good about themselves.

I always felt that if you showed respect for someone, that it would also be returned to you.

So, why did I just write all of that. I really don't know. I think maybe because it was the beginning of my story..

I'm an alcoholic. I have not had anything to drink in years. I am still working on my own coping skills. I thought I was able to cope with things, but apparently not.

You see, it's different sometimes. When you meet a stranger, usually both try to put their best forward. It's also like that in the beginning of a relationship. I mean, how can it not be. If a person is really awful to you in the beginning, would you continue dating them?

I was married for over 25 years. I can look back now and see things that weren't right. I didn't see them then, I didn't want to. I always felt that things could be worked out. I was naive. Ummm, I had no coping skills after trying to use logic, and empathy. I read probably all the books that I could about relationships, I was always trying to change me. Change me, so that he would like me, show me some respect. I wasn't asking for much. Thing was, I wasn't asking for much, I really wasn't asking for anything, and I would hide in the garage and drink in my car, just so I could go to sleep that night.

I never learned coping skills for how to deal with someone who just usually seemed oppositional to me. I always thought that 2 intelligent people can just work things out. Meanwhile, I was in a situation were I was fearing for my life, afraid to leave, because I had 2 children there, but afraid to stay, hence, I was living in my garage.

Sometimes, I remember those times, and sometimes I wish it never happened. This forum helped me a lot in developing coping skills. I can never repay them enough for that.

When I think back of all the crazy things that I did to keep a relationship, well sometimes I have to say that you can't make sense out of non-sense.

((((((((((((hugs to you and your son)))))))))))))
Keep yourself and your son safe

amy

DriGuy

Right on, Amy!

MsPrincess1980

amy55

Sometimes I think about, "what is love?" Is it something that you should just feel because you are dating a guy/gal for awhile.? Is it because you may be getting older and feel that you need a partner in life? I look back on my life, I see a relationship that I was in. I respected that relationship. My ex didn't. I tried to change everything about me so that he would love me again. Nothing worked.... I went towards drinking to help me get through this, because I had no coping skills. I know there are many other ways that people can go go to when they don't have coping skills, or as I like to call it, "knowing your true self and your strenght".

I remember all the forums and all the books that I read, just to find out what the problem was and if there was any way that I could help.

Like I said before,, there are some people that want to be heard and no one really listens to them, and there are other people that want to distance themselves from the people that are closest to them.

We can sit there and scratch our heads all we want, and we can read all the books we want, but mathematically and scientifically we cannot change a person. The person may have been the best person that you met, when you met them. That's what people do. They can do that for years, or sometimes only a few months, it might depend on how long it needs to snare you in.

I also wanted to tell you about my children. You mentioned that you had a son. My children did not talk to me for a really long time after the divorce. Ummm, I was not there for them for years, because I spent all those years trying to research how to change for my ex.

Just remember sometimes, you can't make sense out of non-sense. Remember the important things in your life. You and your son.

amy

trailmix

Maybe not that weird, maybe she didn't realize the extent of his drinking either? Maybe once she was 6 months in she had enough of it and asked him to quit, maybe accused him of being an alcoholic?

I'm just throwing that out there, I have no idea of course but you saw his response to any threat to his drinking. If he is labelled an "alcoholic" that implies he has to do something about it (perhaps).

He probably has some great qualities, obviously or you wouldn't have chosen him, but, there is another whole side there.

Yes, it is too bad his Mom props him up but unless you know, you don't know, she probably thinks she's helping.

MsPrincess1980