questions and some random ramblings...
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
questions and some random ramblings...
No I haven't been to al anon all week. It's been super stressful. I'm determined to make the afternoon meeting tomorrow.
I'm grateful for AH staying sober for thanksgiving even though my SIL's husband wasn't. He could have joined in but didn't. So totally grateful for that and it was a nice evening.
On the way home though he got upset because my son (age9) was lecturing my mom on her smoking. He was kinda joking but at the same time expressing how he feels about it(he's worried about her health). Anyway he then told her about the dangers of drinking and drug use. How it's bad for your health and it makes you mean and say bad things to people. AH was looking at me and I just shrugged. Later he told me that he thought it was messed up that I told our son that he drinks. UMMMMMM 1. he never said anything to AH about it and 2. what makes him think I told him? I told him I was devastated when I realized that the kids knew. That whatever he said is what he observed and has nothing to do with me. No fight. I think we were both just tired.
Then when going through some paperwork this morning I found a psyche eval from when SS's mom was taking AH back to court for custody after signing away her rights. I guess the eval was ordered because she accused him of drug abuse. In it the Dr mentions that AH acknowledged that he had a problem and knows he needs to abstain from alcohol and drugs and had been clean for 2 years and that a random UA and blood test was done to confirm he was clean and then the therapist stated that he didn't see any reason why AH should retain custody of his child as he was not a danger. (But he can't admit it now)
Come Monday AH will have been sober for 2 weeks. Definitely not by choice. Should I say something to encourage him? Like I don't want to fight with him but I want to be supportive. I'm just not sure how since he won't accept that he has an issue.
That comes to my next question. Am I being controlling and abusive? So I know that controlling finances can be considered abusive. We have .18 in our joint account and the money from my part time job is going into my other account. I'm not trying to prevent him from drinking, I'm really not. I'm really trying to make sure I can pay the utilities and we are fortunate that we live in my MIL's house where there is no mortgage. He asked me for money today and I asked what it was for...I told him if he needs something I would find a way to get it but if it's a want it's going to have to wait...he said to forget it. Am I wrong? Should I just give him some money?
Also, we talked (he brought it up) He agreed to counseling for SS. He said SS has been a jerk and lashing out a lot lately. I said well I think counseling will help. we just have to find the right therapist for him. What I wanted to say was of course he's lashing out. You've been sober for nearly 2 weeks and have decided to check in and be a parent. I do it less now, but I do the same damn thing. I've been doing everything for so long when he checks in and tries to help or tell me how to do it, I flip out.
I'm grateful for AH staying sober for thanksgiving even though my SIL's husband wasn't. He could have joined in but didn't. So totally grateful for that and it was a nice evening.
On the way home though he got upset because my son (age9) was lecturing my mom on her smoking. He was kinda joking but at the same time expressing how he feels about it(he's worried about her health). Anyway he then told her about the dangers of drinking and drug use. How it's bad for your health and it makes you mean and say bad things to people. AH was looking at me and I just shrugged. Later he told me that he thought it was messed up that I told our son that he drinks. UMMMMMM 1. he never said anything to AH about it and 2. what makes him think I told him? I told him I was devastated when I realized that the kids knew. That whatever he said is what he observed and has nothing to do with me. No fight. I think we were both just tired.
Then when going through some paperwork this morning I found a psyche eval from when SS's mom was taking AH back to court for custody after signing away her rights. I guess the eval was ordered because she accused him of drug abuse. In it the Dr mentions that AH acknowledged that he had a problem and knows he needs to abstain from alcohol and drugs and had been clean for 2 years and that a random UA and blood test was done to confirm he was clean and then the therapist stated that he didn't see any reason why AH should retain custody of his child as he was not a danger. (But he can't admit it now)
Come Monday AH will have been sober for 2 weeks. Definitely not by choice. Should I say something to encourage him? Like I don't want to fight with him but I want to be supportive. I'm just not sure how since he won't accept that he has an issue.
That comes to my next question. Am I being controlling and abusive? So I know that controlling finances can be considered abusive. We have .18 in our joint account and the money from my part time job is going into my other account. I'm not trying to prevent him from drinking, I'm really not. I'm really trying to make sure I can pay the utilities and we are fortunate that we live in my MIL's house where there is no mortgage. He asked me for money today and I asked what it was for...I told him if he needs something I would find a way to get it but if it's a want it's going to have to wait...he said to forget it. Am I wrong? Should I just give him some money?
Also, we talked (he brought it up) He agreed to counseling for SS. He said SS has been a jerk and lashing out a lot lately. I said well I think counseling will help. we just have to find the right therapist for him. What I wanted to say was of course he's lashing out. You've been sober for nearly 2 weeks and have decided to check in and be a parent. I do it less now, but I do the same damn thing. I've been doing everything for so long when he checks in and tries to help or tell me how to do it, I flip out.
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alwayscovering…..under these circumstances, I cannot see anything to be gained by offering "to be supportive"...or, by praising him, either....this is not th same thing as other circumstances where it is normal and helpful to encourage a spouse....addiction makes some things that are normal in a relationship...counter-intuitive...
For one thing...I will bet the children's milk money. that, way down deep, he is resenting the hell out of you for interfering with his ability to drink in comfort....anyone who does that is the "enemy"....So. the more you talk and harp about it...the angrier he will grow....spurring the desire to drink, even more....(he will see anything you say as "harping")……
The way I see it...your first responsibility is to the well being of yourself and the family...as he is not able to....And, that means that your money from your account should go for that, as the top priority....
Lol...I would let him spend as much of the 18 cents, in the joint account, as he wants...
Almost all parents underestimate how much the children know...and, are shocked when we find out!
I can guess that your son was trying to talk, out loud about all he knows...in that public setting... If he is talking abut it...he is spending time thinking about it, you can be sure. He may have become emboldened by the presence of his grandmother...if he feel safe, with her....
Having said that....since he is only nine years old...he may not have learned the social rules about lecturing a person about their "shortcomings" in a public forum...that one should do so, if they feel compelled to, in a private setting...with tact...
You know---the old "time and place for everything" lesson....
I think finding a therapist for the kids is a good idea....and, I think that alakid or alateen would be good for the 9 yr. old, if it is available...I think they will take them in at 8yrs. old....?
I don't think you need to ask your husband's "permission", for that either...You have said, before, that you are not going to let him stand between you and what your kids need.....(I think your SS is very much, "your" child, also...."It takes a village to raise a child"....and you are very m uch a part of the Village!
For one thing...I will bet the children's milk money. that, way down deep, he is resenting the hell out of you for interfering with his ability to drink in comfort....anyone who does that is the "enemy"....So. the more you talk and harp about it...the angrier he will grow....spurring the desire to drink, even more....(he will see anything you say as "harping")……
The way I see it...your first responsibility is to the well being of yourself and the family...as he is not able to....And, that means that your money from your account should go for that, as the top priority....
Lol...I would let him spend as much of the 18 cents, in the joint account, as he wants...
Almost all parents underestimate how much the children know...and, are shocked when we find out!
I can guess that your son was trying to talk, out loud about all he knows...in that public setting... If he is talking abut it...he is spending time thinking about it, you can be sure. He may have become emboldened by the presence of his grandmother...if he feel safe, with her....
Having said that....since he is only nine years old...he may not have learned the social rules about lecturing a person about their "shortcomings" in a public forum...that one should do so, if they feel compelled to, in a private setting...with tact...
You know---the old "time and place for everything" lesson....
I think finding a therapist for the kids is a good idea....and, I think that alakid or alateen would be good for the 9 yr. old, if it is available...I think they will take them in at 8yrs. old....?
I don't think you need to ask your husband's "permission", for that either...You have said, before, that you are not going to let him stand between you and what your kids need.....(I think your SS is very much, "your" child, also...."It takes a village to raise a child"....and you are very m uch a part of the Village!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Thank you. I'm sure he thinks I'm evil right now but I can honestly say I don't feel guilty about the side effect of no money to spend means he's not drinking. Other than the rowdy boys it's been pretty peaceful.
SS's appt is monday. I'm still going to take him to make sure there isn't a physical reason for his exhaustion. But I'm going to go ahead and make an appt with a therapist for him.
I haven't even found any alateen meetings here so I doubt they have alakid so I'm just going to put my youngest in counseling also.
Her smoking is a touchy subject. My dad had mouth and lung cancer and died due to complications of that. She's working on quitting but he gives her a hard time. He wouldn't do it in public per say but it was just the 4 of us in the car. We've had that talk with him but he's honest to a fault. He even tells on himself when he does something he's not supposed to. Work in progress!
SS's appt is monday. I'm still going to take him to make sure there isn't a physical reason for his exhaustion. But I'm going to go ahead and make an appt with a therapist for him.
I haven't even found any alateen meetings here so I doubt they have alakid so I'm just going to put my youngest in counseling also.
Her smoking is a touchy subject. My dad had mouth and lung cancer and died due to complications of that. She's working on quitting but he gives her a hard time. He wouldn't do it in public per say but it was just the 4 of us in the car. We've had that talk with him but he's honest to a fault. He even tells on himself when he does something he's not supposed to. Work in progress!
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