please help...i’m loosing it
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
please help...i’m loosing it
my alcoholic x boyfriend lasted one week sober after completing a 60 day treatment in california.....even after four relapses i thought it would work. long story short; he’s moved back to his house that he lost at sheriff sale. turned off his phone for two weeks and of course the house is full of tido’s vodka bottles...story of the last year of my life. Finding him bleeding from the head from falling, not eating etc. i was him i was done. When he’s in rehab he is miserable without me. promises it will change. wants to start our life together. than he gets out and goes back to drinking baracading himself in that house. it kills me. i love him so much but i couldn’t deal with this anymore. his family gave up. he wants no help. lost a job making 150k a year. lost me, who was the “best thing that ever happened to him” clearly not.....how do i get over him? been two weeks. i feel he’s given up. even when he’s been bad before he always contacts me. i’m so upset. he was alone on thanksgiving. he only leaves the house to get vodka. how do i deal with the love of my life’s killing himself? i don’t understand this. he is only 41! he can’t seem to deal with reality. He moved back to a house that almost killed him four times....Sheriff will probably have to remove him from that house. He kne w this would happen to. i can’t help but think he never really loved me or he would have stopped so we can start our life together. i’m sorry this is long but this is really hard. When sober he’s literally up my butt. Always makes me feel loved. i don’t get this. i don’t wish this on anyone. Please help. he turns anyone away who goes to the house. he wants no help.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi lostinjersey... I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. This is absolutely the story of so many like you who love a chronic alcoholic.
As an alcoholic myself, from what you've shared here, I can say I've more or less been exactly where he is right now; overcome with shame, not ready to face his demons, and isolating from the world to preserve what he perceives to be the only thing that can help him cope with his unfortunate reality: alcohol. As soon as I pick up a bottle, it becomes the only thing that can relieve my shame and mental anguish, quickly followed by the physical need to keep withdrawal at bay. It is an absolutely horrible, hellish place to be.
There really is no point in wondering whether or not he truly loves you; he probably does, but right now he is not thinking about anything but his primal need to drink. For him to achieve long-term sobriety, he has to want it himself; and he is clearly not ready. After all he has already done, he probably needs something like a strict, heavily monitored sober living environment to learn how to function without alcohol; but even that requires a desire on his part, as he could get kicked out of that program if he violates the terms.
For yourself, I strongly suggest seeking support from here as well as in-person Alanon meetings. There really is only so much you can do to help him if he isn't willing and ready to help himself. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to know that someone is literally killing themselves and be powerless to stop it. Until he comes to his own revelation and regains the desire to live, you should find a way to live for yourself and no longer put your life on hold waiting for him to come around.
As an alcoholic myself, from what you've shared here, I can say I've more or less been exactly where he is right now; overcome with shame, not ready to face his demons, and isolating from the world to preserve what he perceives to be the only thing that can help him cope with his unfortunate reality: alcohol. As soon as I pick up a bottle, it becomes the only thing that can relieve my shame and mental anguish, quickly followed by the physical need to keep withdrawal at bay. It is an absolutely horrible, hellish place to be.
There really is no point in wondering whether or not he truly loves you; he probably does, but right now he is not thinking about anything but his primal need to drink. For him to achieve long-term sobriety, he has to want it himself; and he is clearly not ready. After all he has already done, he probably needs something like a strict, heavily monitored sober living environment to learn how to function without alcohol; but even that requires a desire on his part, as he could get kicked out of that program if he violates the terms.
For yourself, I strongly suggest seeking support from here as well as in-person Alanon meetings. There really is only so much you can do to help him if he isn't willing and ready to help himself. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to know that someone is literally killing themselves and be powerless to stop it. Until he comes to his own revelation and regains the desire to live, you should find a way to live for yourself and no longer put your life on hold waiting for him to come around.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
I don't have any real advice, I'm only on day 5 of NC from mine, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. Your story sounds exactly like mine-- vodka 24/7, failing health and mental faculties, past the point of being able to eat anymore, numerous rehab and jail stints (before we were together) followed by drinking the day he gets out, being given up on by his family, etc. It's the worst nightmare I've ever been through, watching the man I love killing himself. I feel your pain and I'm so truly sorry.
The best we can do is try to distract ourselves, work on ourselves and find support where we can. I don't know how to do it either, but I know those are the keys out of these prisons we accidentally locked ourselves into. Thinking of you <3
The best we can do is try to distract ourselves, work on ourselves and find support where we can. I don't know how to do it either, but I know those are the keys out of these prisons we accidentally locked ourselves into. Thinking of you <3
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Hi there,
Breathe.
You can only control yourself. This is something I say to myself 50 million times a day. If he doesn't want help there's nothing you can do about it. You need to focus on yourself. What do you need? Have you tried Al Anon? I find it very helpful. I'm very sorry for all you are going through. Please continue to reach out if you need help.
-AC
Breathe.
You can only control yourself. This is something I say to myself 50 million times a day. If he doesn't want help there's nothing you can do about it. You need to focus on yourself. What do you need? Have you tried Al Anon? I find it very helpful. I'm very sorry for all you are going through. Please continue to reach out if you need help.
-AC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Trinity7777 
I don't have any real advice, I'm only on day 5 of NC from mine, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. Your story sounds exactly like mine-- vodka 24/7, failing health and mental faculties, past the point of being able to eat anymore, numerous rehab and jail stints (before we were together) followed by drinking the day he gets out, being given up on by his family, etc. It's the worst nightmare I've ever been through, watching the man I love killing himself. I feel your pain and I'm so truly sorry.
The best we can do is try to distract ourselves, work on ourselves and find support where we can. I don't know how to do it either, but I know those are the keys out of these prisons we accidentally locked ourselves into. Thinking of you <3
The best we can do is try to distract ourselves, work on ourselves and find support where we can. I don't know how to do it either, but I know those are the keys out of these prisons we accidentally locked ourselves into. Thinking of you <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
[QUOTE=VigilanceNow;7061594]Hi lostinjersey... I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. This is absolutely the story of so many like you who love a chronic alcoholic.
As an alcoholic myself, from what you've shared here, I can say I've more or less been exactly where he is right now; overcome with shame, not ready to face his demons, and isolating from the world to preserve what he perceives to be the only thing that can help him cope with his unfortunate reality: alcohol. As soon as I pick up a bottle, it becomes the only thing that can relieve my shame and mental anguish, quickly followed by the physical need to keep withdrawal at bay. It is an absolutely horrible, hellish place to be.
There really is no point in wondering whether or not he truly loves you; he probably does, but right now he is not thinking about anything but his primal need to drink. For him to achieve long-term sobriety, he has to want it himself; and he is clearly not ready. After all he has already done, he probably needs something like a strict, heavily monitored sober living environment to learn how to function without alcohol; but even that requires a desire on his part, as he could get kicked out of that program if he violates the terms.
For yourself, I strongly suggest seeking support from here as well as in-person Alanon meetings. There really is only so much you can do to help him if he isn't willing and ready to help himself. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to know that someone is literally killing themselves and be powerless to stop it. Until he comes to his own revelation and regains the desire to live, you should find a way to live for yourself and no longer put your life on hold waiting for him to come around.[/QUOTE. Thank you! I appreciate the personal knowledge of this. I am glad your sober and recovering. I know he must feel so alone but that seems to be what he wanted. Even the one person he couldn’t stand to be around. I just figured he hit bottom already but I guess not. I am honestly hoping that the sheriff manually removes him from the house and he will be on the street. He can’t stay in a house he ho longer owns. I hope it happens soon and he will be forced to deal with recovery. Thank you so very much. Xo
As an alcoholic myself, from what you've shared here, I can say I've more or less been exactly where he is right now; overcome with shame, not ready to face his demons, and isolating from the world to preserve what he perceives to be the only thing that can help him cope with his unfortunate reality: alcohol. As soon as I pick up a bottle, it becomes the only thing that can relieve my shame and mental anguish, quickly followed by the physical need to keep withdrawal at bay. It is an absolutely horrible, hellish place to be.
There really is no point in wondering whether or not he truly loves you; he probably does, but right now he is not thinking about anything but his primal need to drink. For him to achieve long-term sobriety, he has to want it himself; and he is clearly not ready. After all he has already done, he probably needs something like a strict, heavily monitored sober living environment to learn how to function without alcohol; but even that requires a desire on his part, as he could get kicked out of that program if he violates the terms.
For yourself, I strongly suggest seeking support from here as well as in-person Alanon meetings. There really is only so much you can do to help him if he isn't willing and ready to help himself. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to know that someone is literally killing themselves and be powerless to stop it. Until he comes to his own revelation and regains the desire to live, you should find a way to live for yourself and no longer put your life on hold waiting for him to come around.[/QUOTE. Thank you! I appreciate the personal knowledge of this. I am glad your sober and recovering. I know he must feel so alone but that seems to be what he wanted. Even the one person he couldn’t stand to be around. I just figured he hit bottom already but I guess not. I am honestly hoping that the sheriff manually removes him from the house and he will be on the street. He can’t stay in a house he ho longer owns. I hope it happens soon and he will be forced to deal with recovery. Thank you so very much. Xo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by alwayscovering
Hi there,
Breathe.
You can only control yourself. This is something I say to myself 50 million times a day. If he doesn't want help there's nothing you can do about it. You need to focus on yourself. What do you need? Have you tried Al Anon? I find it very helpful. I'm very sorry for all you are going through. Please continue to reach out if you need help.
-AC
Breathe.
You can only control yourself. This is something I say to myself 50 million times a day. If he doesn't want help there's nothing you can do about it. You need to focus on yourself. What do you need? Have you tried Al Anon? I find it very helpful. I'm very sorry for all you are going through. Please continue to reach out if you need help.
-AC
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Yes, get thee to Alanon. I felt so alone also, and the single biggest thing I took away from my first meeting was that I was NOT alone, not at all, and I didn't need to feel the fear or the pain, or bear the burden, all by myself.
Go. Go soon. And if the first meeting doesn't resonate w/you, try a different one. And in the meantime, check out some Alanon podcasts--no need to wait to get started! Just google it; you'll find lots of resources.
You are absolutely NOT alone.
Go. Go soon. And if the first meeting doesn't resonate w/you, try a different one. And in the meantime, check out some Alanon podcasts--no need to wait to get started! Just google it; you'll find lots of resources.
You are absolutely NOT alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by lostinjersey1
my alcoholic x boyfriend lasted one week sober after completing a 60 day treatment in california.....even after four relapses i thought it would work. long story short; he’s moved back to his house that he lost at sheriff sale. turned off his phone for two weeks and of course the house is full of tido’s vodka bottles...story of the last year of my life. Finding him bleeding from the head from falling, not eating etc. i was him i was done. When he’s in rehab he is miserable without me. promises it will change. wants to start our life together. than he gets out and goes back to drinking baracading himself in that house. it kills me. i love him so much but i couldn’t deal with this anymore. his family gave up. he wants no help. lost a job making 150k a year. lost me, who was the “best thing that ever happened to him” clearly not.....how do i get over him? been two weeks. i feel he’s given up. even when he’s been bad before he always contacts me. i’m so upset. he was alone on thanksgiving. he only leaves the house to get vodka. how do i deal with the love of my life’s killing himself? i don’t understand this. he is only 41! he can’t seem to deal with reality. He moved back to a house that almost killed him four times....Sheriff will probably have to remove him from that house. He kne w this would happen to. i can’t help but think he never really loved me or he would have stopped so we can start our life together. i’m sorry this is long but this is really hard. When sober he’s literally up my butt. Always makes me feel loved. i don’t get this. i don’t wish this on anyone. Please help. he turns anyone away who goes to the house. he wants no help.
2. You're not the "best thing" that's happen to him. That's just him manipulating you to stay -- because he can't stand to be alone. Except, of course, when he's drinking ... which is all the time. Yeah, it's a paradox -- like when you date one woman and she breaks it off, but you can't date any of her friends because ... well she doesn't want you, but doesn't want any of her friends to want you either. Just remember, alcoholism is a "mind screw" disease -- it doesn't have to make logical sense to you (and it won't); but it makes "sense" to the alcoholic.
3. I have this "trick" I use when I'd get "stuck" on someone who, in reality, causes me pain. I put a large rubber band around my wrist. Every time I thought of this person, I snapped the rubber band hard against my wrist. Just enough to sting a bit (not cause permanent injury). It made me associate this person with PAIN and not some idealized version of what the relationship really was. You might try it or something similar.
MCE Saint
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