Can l just ask....
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Can l just ask....
Saw my Al anon counsellor last night. She says lm doing all the right things..ie not reacting...not searching...not monitoring.
so far so good. I mentioned that it has become a taboo subject to even mention alcohol now. So she suggested the next time we go out together l ask him to drive so l can have a drink (not that l want to drink but as part of the 'exercise') or if l meet friends l should ask him to drive me and collect me so 'l can have a drink'. What's that all about then? I have read that drinking around an alcoholic is enabling? Its thrown me off course a bit! Isnt this a cant beat them so join them mentality or purely an 'l will show him what normal drinking is' ? or 'hey look, l dont think its the big bad wolf after all'? Advice please x
so far so good. I mentioned that it has become a taboo subject to even mention alcohol now. So she suggested the next time we go out together l ask him to drive so l can have a drink (not that l want to drink but as part of the 'exercise') or if l meet friends l should ask him to drive me and collect me so 'l can have a drink'. What's that all about then? I have read that drinking around an alcoholic is enabling? Its thrown me off course a bit! Isnt this a cant beat them so join them mentality or purely an 'l will show him what normal drinking is' ? or 'hey look, l dont think its the big bad wolf after all'? Advice please x
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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I dont know what that is about. I haven't heard anything like that suggested in my Al-anon meetings.
To me, it feels like you would be starting some sort of exhausting crazy mind game with the alcoholic. Which is the opposite of detaching .
What a waste of your precious energy that you could be using to enjoy yourself and enrich your life with.
To me, it feels like you would be starting some sort of exhausting crazy mind game with the alcoholic. Which is the opposite of detaching .
What a waste of your precious energy that you could be using to enjoy yourself and enrich your life with.
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Just to go off topic a little, I was surprised to see you mention an Al-anon counsellor.
I have been in the program for a long time and only know of meetings, sponsors, fellows, our literature.
I am interested to hear how an Al-anon counsellor works.
I have been in the program for a long time and only know of meetings, sponsors, fellows, our literature.
I am interested to hear how an Al-anon counsellor works.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I don't think of drinking around an alcoholic as enabling. Triggering, perhaps, if they are struggling, but not enabling.
Eventually, every person recovering from addiction to alcohol will be confronted with the fact that others can drink normally--non-alcoholically. And those of us who can drink normally aren't required to feel guilty about that fact. Living with an alcoholic can turn alcohol into this huge, enormous, scary, elephant in the room. Perhaps this exercise is suggested to reduce this elephant to it's appropriate size and place in the world?
Eventually, every person recovering from addiction to alcohol will be confronted with the fact that others can drink normally--non-alcoholically. And those of us who can drink normally aren't required to feel guilty about that fact. Living with an alcoholic can turn alcohol into this huge, enormous, scary, elephant in the room. Perhaps this exercise is suggested to reduce this elephant to it's appropriate size and place in the world?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
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Awal,
I vote...stay clean using whatever it takes and by any means necessary.
I know all of the various quotes and I also know that if I relpase there might be folks that say I saw that coming. Boo hoo.
That is life.
I can use negative vibes to stay clean as well.
I have something to prove every day. That is the life of a winner. No rest when it comes to staying clean.
I embrace sobriety and only fight my addiction when I need to..e.g. crave time.
When crave time hits i am the hardest working person in the room.
Whatever it takes and by any means needed...stay clean.
Thanks.
I vote...stay clean using whatever it takes and by any means necessary.
I know all of the various quotes and I also know that if I relpase there might be folks that say I saw that coming. Boo hoo.
That is life.
I can use negative vibes to stay clean as well.
I have something to prove every day. That is the life of a winner. No rest when it comes to staying clean.
I embrace sobriety and only fight my addiction when I need to..e.g. crave time.
When crave time hits i am the hardest working person in the room.
Whatever it takes and by any means needed...stay clean.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
Oops, posted in the wrong thread. In this one, I don't see drinking in front of an alcoholic as enabling. Drinking with them and condoning it would be. It doesn't bother me when other people drink around me. None of the people I spend any time with now drink like I drank anyway or for the same reasons.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 
Just to go off topic a little, I was surprised to see you mention an Al-anon counsellor.
I have been in the program for a long time and only know of meetings, sponsors, fellows, our literature.
I am interested to hear how an Al-anon counsellor works.
I have been in the program for a long time and only know of meetings, sponsors, fellows, our literature.
I am interested to hear how an Al-anon counsellor works.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Seren
I don't think of drinking around an alcoholic as enabling. Triggering, perhaps, if they are struggling, but not enabling.
Eventually, every person recovering from addiction to alcohol will be confronted with the fact that others can drink normally--non-alcoholically. And those of us who can drink normally aren't required to feel guilty about that fact. Living with an alcoholic can turn alcohol into this huge, enormous, scary, elephant in the room. Perhaps this exercise is suggested to reduce this elephant to it's appropriate size and place in the world?
Eventually, every person recovering from addiction to alcohol will be confronted with the fact that others can drink normally--non-alcoholically. And those of us who can drink normally aren't required to feel guilty about that fact. Living with an alcoholic can turn alcohol into this huge, enormous, scary, elephant in the room. Perhaps this exercise is suggested to reduce this elephant to it's appropriate size and place in the world?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Kindness changes everything.
Suggestions are only suggestions. Ours, hers, others. Take what you like and leave the rest.
In kindness to myself and my husband, keeping things light and bright, and on other topics, wasn't because talking about alcohol was taboo. For far too long it was the focus of my attention. To learn to focus on other things has been vitally important.
One day at a time. As we step away from manipulations and attempting to control other people, we change. In that, everything changes.
Three things I learned from Al-anon:
1. I'm not alone.
2. I have a voice in meetings, business meetings and my life.
3. Laughter is healing.
Suggestions are only suggestions. Ours, hers, others. Take what you like and leave the rest.
In kindness to myself and my husband, keeping things light and bright, and on other topics, wasn't because talking about alcohol was taboo. For far too long it was the focus of my attention. To learn to focus on other things has been vitally important.
One day at a time. As we step away from manipulations and attempting to control other people, we change. In that, everything changes.
Three things I learned from Al-anon:
1. I'm not alone.
2. I have a voice in meetings, business meetings and my life.
3. Laughter is healing.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think for one thing I wouldn't ask an active alcoholic to drive me anywhere.
He's always going to have had more drinks than you think.
As far as an Al Anon counselor? If it's someone you're paying and you can see their certificates on the wall that's one thing. If it's just someone you met in a meeting, um. Proceed with caution.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I don't care if people drink around me. Your husband still drinks, and you are both aware of that - so if you want to have a drink, have a drink. It really is not going to affect his drinking one way or the other.
He's always going to have had more drinks than you think.
As far as an Al Anon counselor? If it's someone you're paying and you can see their certificates on the wall that's one thing. If it's just someone you met in a meeting, um. Proceed with caution.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I don't care if people drink around me. Your husband still drinks, and you are both aware of that - so if you want to have a drink, have a drink. It really is not going to affect his drinking one way or the other.
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I think the lady (counsellor/mediator/ sponsor/whatever!) Who lve been talking to in one to one meetings sees possible potential in my relationship (at this point). She has been involved in alcohol abuse for many years and has to deal with each case individually... she is going on info provided by me and as AH is living a relatively normal existence (at this point anyway) she is maybe trying to promote a more amicable relationshipfor my well being. I don't suppose she would advise some of the things she does if my AH was abusive or a staggering drunk.
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Awal, I would not ask your husband to drive you anywhere so you can drink. I don't get where this woman is coming from, but it doesn't sound therapeutic. That is just my opinion, and we all know what that is worth. God bless you, though. I know you love your husband and I know you just want to do the right thing.
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
Awal, I would not ask your husband to drive you anywhere so you can drink. I don't get where this woman is coming from, but it doesn't sound therapeutic. That is just my opinion, and we all know what that is worth. God bless you, though. I know you love your husband and I know you just want to do the right thing.
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Awal…..hard to know what she is driving (no pun intended at), unless one was in the room and knows the entire context of the suggestion.....You were the one who was actually there...not us...lol.
Just speaking generally.....I think you have the right to have a drink if you actually want one....and, feel that it is prudent. You get to m ake your own decisions about that...just as he gets to....
I am another one who would never call an active alcoholic to fetch me or to remain sober ...to be the designated driver.....because you can never count on them...
I think you are in the best position if you arrange your own transportation...in all circumstances. Even if you go to a function with him...plan to take a cab/uber home...or get a friend to give you a ride, if possible....
I just see that as a part of becoming disentwined with his drinking...and preserving you own independence...
If you are wanting to socialize with your husband, more...perhaps, the both of you could use cabs, as transport, together...if you both agree...
You can always ask her to further explain where she is coming from, if you are unclear....
Just speaking generally.....I think you have the right to have a drink if you actually want one....and, feel that it is prudent. You get to m ake your own decisions about that...just as he gets to....
I am another one who would never call an active alcoholic to fetch me or to remain sober ...to be the designated driver.....because you can never count on them...
I think you are in the best position if you arrange your own transportation...in all circumstances. Even if you go to a function with him...plan to take a cab/uber home...or get a friend to give you a ride, if possible....
I just see that as a part of becoming disentwined with his drinking...and preserving you own independence...
If you are wanting to socialize with your husband, more...perhaps, the both of you could use cabs, as transport, together...if you both agree...
You can always ask her to further explain where she is coming from, if you are unclear....
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I told her he probably sees me as a little miss goodie two shoes. He has said in the past that l think lm little miss perfect. (Said in anger)Perhaps she thought it might be good to let him see l have no problems with alcohol itself and therefore am happy to have the occasional drink myself. I hardly drink to be honest but on rare occasions l may just have one. Its my choice, l hate the feeling of being tipsy and enjoy soft drinks which are much cheaper and thirst quenching. He and l are getting on much better these days...l have changed my behaviour so thats probably helping.
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Originally Posted by Awal
I told her he probably sees me as a little miss goodie two shoes. He has said in the past that l think lm little miss perfect. (Said in anger)Perhaps she thought it might be good to let him see l have no problems with alcohol itself and therefore am happy to have the occasional drink myself.
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
Awal, I would not ask your husband to drive you anywhere so you can drink. I don't get where this woman is coming from, but it doesn't sound therapeutic. That is just my opinion, and we all know what that is worth. God bless you, though. I know you love your husband and I know you just want to do the right thing.
I agree. It sounds a bit like a game to me. And I certainly would not ask my ah to pick me up. If anything, why not just take an uber the next time you guys go out? This way if you want to have a drink or two you can, and nobody has to drive. Do you constantly feel like the dedicated driver regardless of whether or not you drink or want yo have a drink?
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I don't understand the benefit of this suggestion at all, it is just a game or a test or something and who wants to play that game?
Being deceptive or manipulative is wrong, whether it's with an alcoholic or not (which I'm sure you already know and maybe that's why it has thrown you a bit?).
Being deceptive or manipulative is wrong, whether it's with an alcoholic or not (which I'm sure you already know and maybe that's why it has thrown you a bit?).
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I agree that this sounds like a strange mind game more than a helpful exercise. It would be different if you actually did want to drink (assuming you can drink normally), but to do it just to see if he will come through? Nah. That's dishonest and dishonesty can only serve to hurt us in the long run.
As far as alcohol being a "taboo" subject, well, I think that's also unnatural. As the recovering alcoholic in the relationship, I can tell you that from my perspective I can't stand it when I know others are altering their behavior to suit what they feel are my "needs" in recovery. When I go out with people and they want to drink, it bothers me if they pause and look at me first. The fact is, drinking is everywhere and I can't control every situation; at this point in my recovery, if I felt that I wouldn't be able to control myself in a certain environment, I would remove myself from that environment, not try to change the actions of others.
As far as alcohol being a "taboo" subject, well, I think that's also unnatural. As the recovering alcoholic in the relationship, I can tell you that from my perspective I can't stand it when I know others are altering their behavior to suit what they feel are my "needs" in recovery. When I go out with people and they want to drink, it bothers me if they pause and look at me first. The fact is, drinking is everywhere and I can't control every situation; at this point in my recovery, if I felt that I wouldn't be able to control myself in a certain environment, I would remove myself from that environment, not try to change the actions of others.
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Originally Posted by VigilanceNow
I agree that this sounds like a strange mind game more than a helpful exercise. It would be different if you actually did want to drink (assuming you can drink normally), but to do it just to see if he will come through? Nah. That's dishonest and dishonesty can only serve to hurt us in the long run.
As far as alcohol being a "taboo" subject, well, I think that's also unnatural. As the recovering alcoholic in the relationship, I can tell you that from my perspective I can't stand it when I know others are altering their behavior to suit what they feel are my "needs" in recovery. When I go out with people and they want to drink, it bothers me if they pause and look at me first. The fact is, drinking is everywhere and I can't control every situation; at this point in my recovery, if I felt that I wouldn't be able to control myself in a certain environment, I would remove myself from that environment, not try to change the actions of others.
As far as alcohol being a "taboo" subject, well, I think that's also unnatural. As the recovering alcoholic in the relationship, I can tell you that from my perspective I can't stand it when I know others are altering their behavior to suit what they feel are my "needs" in recovery. When I go out with people and they want to drink, it bothers me if they pause and look at me first. The fact is, drinking is everywhere and I can't control every situation; at this point in my recovery, if I felt that I wouldn't be able to control myself in a certain environment, I would remove myself from that environment, not try to change the actions of others.
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