Can l just ask....

Old 11-23-2018, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
l am finding it better not to mention his drinking or anything to do with alcohol for a peaceful life.
that made life a lot more peaceful for me. We are all different though, and circumstances differ.
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Old 11-24-2018, 02:11 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I don't understand the benefit of this suggestion at all, it is just a game or a test or something and who wants to play that game?

Being deceptive or manipulative is wrong, whether it's with an alcoholic or not (which I'm sure you already know and maybe that's why it has thrown you a bit?).
Yes its thrown me. I think she suggested this as it resembles a normal life where we both consider each other and take turns in driving etc....but why even bother when drinking isn't something l ever want to do? Soft drinks low cals all the way for me lol. I will be doing what feels right for ME from now on and that doesn't mean lm going to be totally selfish and uncompromising, just cant be arsed to play mind games 😁
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Old 11-24-2018, 02:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Clover71 View Post


that made life a lot more peaceful for me. We are all different though, and circumstances differ.
Hi, yes a quiet life suits me right now. Ive had enough drama through confrontation. And lets face it...what good would mentioning alcohol do? Is it going to put him off it? NO. Will it stop him needing it. NO. I could talk until lm blue in the face and nothing would change..he holds the cards on that one. His life and his choice. As long as lm treated ok and things remain calm, as long as he isnt abusive or violent, as long as he pays his way and contributes to the upkeep of our home, as long as he isnt a staggering drunk l will happily avoid the subject of booze. I can enhance my own life 🙂
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Old 11-24-2018, 06:35 AM
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I think that suggesting he drive so you can have a drink is almost like daring him not to be hiding anything and is, one way or t’other most likely to end up with a row/disagreement/argument or discussion about drink and for what purpose.
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Old 11-25-2018, 01:06 PM
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The mood has suddenly changed. Very strange. No provocation. All l did was walk the dog a little longer than usual. ??????? Weird.
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Old 11-25-2018, 01:19 PM
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When there's active alcoholism or early recovery in the household and the mood suddenly changes, I can trust it has absolutely nothing to do with anything I've said or done.

Is there somewhere you can go that will be a healthier environment for a little while? Even a couple hours can sometimes help get some breathing room to re-focus onto ourselves.
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Old 11-25-2018, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
When there's active alcoholism or early recovery in the household and the mood suddenly changes, I can trust it has absolutely nothing to do with anything I've said or done.

Is there somewhere you can go that will be a healthier environment for a little while? Even a couple hours can sometimes help get some breathing room to re-focus onto ourselves.
is it because they HAVE had a drink...or because they HAVEN'T? Ive been to a friends for an hour..he checked his watch the moment l walked back in! As l say..weird.
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Old 11-25-2018, 01:49 PM
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Awal…...it can be both!
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Old 11-25-2018, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
is it because they HAVE had a drink...or because they HAVEN'T? Ive been to a friends for an hour..he checked his watch the moment l walked back in! As l say..weird.
more than likely he probably doesn't care for your detachment either.
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Old 11-25-2018, 02:54 PM
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Recall that addiction is progressive--he isn't just going to stay the same but the neediness and routine may be triggering him to be more controlling.

I don't think it is realistic to assume he's just going to let you "do your own thing" as time passes Awal--the detachment will bother him as he realizes he isn't the central focus of your energy and time.
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Old 11-25-2018, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Clover71 View Post


more than likely he probably doesn't care for your detachment either.
Well ultimately its his choice that l am this way. But he is pretty detached too. People have started asking me why we aren't making the most of the weekends. Pretty much because he isn't interested in doing anything! I go shopping alone, l meet friends for meals. I go on holiday with my dog or with friends. I go to shows or concerts with friends. He is already dead inside...depressed at a guess and topping it up with a depressant called alcohol.
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Old 11-25-2018, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Recall that addiction is progressive--he isn't just going to stay the same but the neediness and routine may be triggering him to be more controlling.

I don't think it is realistic to assume he's just going to let you "do your own thing" as time passes Awal--the detachment will bother him as he realizes he isn't the central focus of your energy and time.
Hmmm lm not so sure. He has lost interest in me and in doing anything with me.
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:03 PM
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My addict didn't want to "do" things with me either, but on the other hand,
it troubled them that I began to fill my life with other things besides them.

It's almost like a childish jealousy. . . hopefully, it won't be like that for you
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
My addict didn't want to "do" things with me either, but on the other hand,
it troubled them that I began to fill my life with other things besides them.

It's almost like a childish jealousy. . . hopefully, it won't be like that for you
Can l ask what reaction you got at the mere suggestion you wanted him/her to go somewhere with you?
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
My addict didn't want to "do" things with me either, but on the other hand,
it troubled them that I began to fill my life with other things besides them.

It's almost like a childish jealousy. . . hopefully, it won't be like that for you

i dont think its childish, jealousy. For me at least, he was so used to me sitting with him while he drank. I do have some sympathy in that regard, as while I lost my husband to alcohol he also lost me in a way too. In some sense it is also a loss of "control" or his own life and maybe me too. I use the term loosely with regards to me. I know he did hate one of my friends at this point. I think he thought she caused all of our problems.
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Old 11-26-2018, 06:39 AM
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First off, what's an Alanon counselor?? A counselor is a counselor. Alanon is Alanon and is not counseling in any way. Just a person who has walked the walk giving advise. It's a big difference.

I personally would not ask him to drive you around while you drink. That may be the case in a normal relationship, but living with an addict is in no way normal.

Just my two cents.
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Old 11-26-2018, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
First off, what's an Alanon counselor?? A counselor is a counselor. Alanon is Alanon and is not counseling in any way. Just a person who has walked the walk giving advise. It's a big difference.

I personally would not ask him to drive you around while you drink. That may be the case in a normal relationship, but living with an addict is in no way normal.

Just my two cents.
i maybe chose the wrong title for the woman l speak to. It just 'felt' a bit like a counselling session. Didn't intend to confuse anyone
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Old 11-26-2018, 09:05 AM
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Gotcha. Sometimes I just hear poor advise given at Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings from sponsors, and I just want people to realize those sponsors are not normally trained in counseling are are lay people. I have seen some people take what they say as the gospel when it's nothing like what a counselor would say.

Recovery is a rocky road. Sending you big hugs!

I resonate w/the "goody too shoes" as my XAH always said that about me. Indeed, I was simply trying to figure our my own recovery and well being. Ugh.

Originally Posted by Awal View Post
i maybe chose the wrong title for the woman l speak to. It just 'felt' a bit like a counselling session. Didn't intend to confuse anyone
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
Can l ask what reaction you got at the mere suggestion you wanted him/her to go somewhere with you?
Totally depended on context--if they were drinking, either didn't care or angry I had the nerve to leave them on their own.

Not drinking, usually an excuse why they couldn't go, and often a guilt trip about why I shouldn't go either, or not for long. Watch would certainly be checked visibly when I got back, or a phone call should I be gone "too long" in their estimation.

Typically, plenty is drunk while I'm out, since they don't have to hide it and they are on their own pity party of isolation.

It becomes, or will become, quite unpredictable to know how much they will knock back in your absence.
What has formerly been somewhat under control will gradually slip into benders. They hide it well at first, but lose the ability in the end.

I've seen this in many chronic drinkers--not just my "main" addicts.
The line gets blurry over time, and they start to stumble over it more and more.
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Old 11-26-2018, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Totally depended on context--if they were drinking, either didn't care or angry I had the nerve to leave them on their own.

Not drinking, usually an excuse why they couldn't go, and often a guilt trip about why I shouldn't go either, or not for long. Watch would certainly be checked visibly when I got back, or a phone call should I be gone "too long" in their estimation.

Typically, plenty is drunk while I'm out, since they don't have to hide it and they are on their own pity party of isolation.

It becomes, or will become, quite unpredictable to know how much they will knock back in your absence.
What has formerly been somewhat under control will gradually slip into benders. They hide it well at first, but lose the ability in the end.

I've seen this in many chronic drinkers--not just my "main" addicts.
The line gets blurry over time, and they start to stumble over it more and more.
What a prospect to look forward to in the future...l don't think l will stay around to witness too much of that when it happens.
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