Glenjo99

Thanks I find her very good to help me feel better!

hopeful4

Ignorance is bliss, until it's not. Until it progresses and you have a future with someone who is a complete mess who destroys everything in his wake.

Stay the course. No new contact = No new hurts.

Glenjo99

You have a good point.

Glenjo99

Had a message from him on my phone on sat night. When I didn't reply the way he wanted to called me a pathetic c"$t. I didn't reply. He texted yesterday to say how was I, knowing well I was annoyed. Told him I'm not used to being spoke to like that. He was all apologies and said he didn't remember, he was on the warpath all weekend (whatever that means). When I didn't feel sorry for him and I said a couple of other things about what I need from a friendship he got annoyed again, said he is having hard time and I need to bite my tongue! I didn't reply and then he sent me some music clips last night. Didn't reply. God only knows what's going on in his head. I know before anyone else says it, NC!

atalose

He sure says a lot about wanting to stop drinking and you sure do put a lot of hope on his words. Most people who truly want to stop drinking actually do it and take immediate actions for help with that and they actually do whatever is needed to bring about positive results for themselves. There is no big fan fair talks about how they will do it next week or next month, they simple put that desire into real concrete actions today.

So you learned to deal with the pain he and that relationship caused you, yet you walked face first right back into the fire and now you feel that pain all over again. Codependency is far more than attempting to fix or rescue another person.

You being at the bottom of his list has nothing at all to do with reporting back to his cousin. It has everything to do with him not wanting the same kind of intimate relationship with you as you want with him. It has everything to do with him wanting to remain active in his addiction and finding enablers to help him achieve that.

Now today you are feeling hurt and extremely jealous of his cousin and that twisted toxic relationship they seem to have together.

No new contact = no new hurts.

hopeful4

Eventually you will get tired of it and go NC. Like you said, no one has to tell you, you already know it. Slowly but surely you are getting stronger!

trailmix

That is so totally unacceptable to be spoken to that way.

So, he is having a hard time and you are not to lay anything on him because he can't cope with it. He would like to you to back off from anything emotional and what you need.

Now, on the surface this just looks like selfish behaviour (because it is) but from HIS point of view, he is overwhelmed. He cannot cope with any more - doesn't want to and will not. That's a fact. To expect any more from him is not realistic.

This is where the accepting him the way he is comes in. I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't, that is, of course, your call.

What are your expectations of him? Are they realistic?

Translation of warpath: Angry and drunk

Glenjo99

Yes I have had it in my head to meet him where he is, haven't asked him about his drinking or meetings. I suppose he cannot meet any of my needs as it's all about him again. I agree he is overwhelmed. I think I'm expecting it to be like it was last time he lived here. However he has changed majorly as I have a good bit so I need to adjust, or go full NC

Glenjo99

Yes I believe I will

Glenjo99

Yes you are right he only wants enablers

Rang few minutes ago drunk, asking me to meet tomorrow. He said he went on a binge at the weekend and got angry at these girls he was chatting to online. I didn't need to hear that. Purposefully nasty.

Won't be meeting him tomorrow, in fact I'll be writing him a message to say I'm not putting up with that or any contact. Theres nothing in it for me. Before when we knew each other before he used to always tease me about girls he was meeting (bub wasnt) and then come to me, knowing how I felt about him.

trailmix

Well, that didn't take long (if it took any time at all) for him to get bored with the restrictions of the two bottles of wine a day.

You know, I'm sorry the guy is drinking, I do have compassion for him, but he isn't "just" an alcoholic, he's mean and manipulative.

He got mad at some girls he was talking with online and so what, he decided to take it out on you and he uses it to make you jealous? That's an excuse/back-handed apology/you are supposed to understand?

Honestly, when/if he ever gets around to seeking recovery he's got a lot to work on.

Glen, perhaps you might want to focus some of your healing on abuse. This guy is obviously abusive. There is co-dependency and of course there is some of that wrapped up here but abuse is different and it has a different effect and it might help you to look at that side to help you to unravel from this and detach.

Glenjo99

Yes I agree, it is abusive. I'm only seeing it this time around. Apparently had 7 bottles of wine on sat and 8 Sunday. He was using the girls thing to make me jealous yes. Should I go see him in person I wonder and explain the reasons im not putting up with him anymore, or just send a message.

FallenAngelina

When you are truly ready to go full NC, you will either just say that and stick to it or you will block him. Anything veering off of that is just an invitation for more arguments/contact. Having struggled with NC and my ABF, I know the cycle intimately and half of it is my own doing. When he "harasses" me it's because I am choosing to remain involved. Arguing, explaining, responding, even standing up for yourself - all are choosing to be involved. What matters is your resolve inside yourself, not what you are or are not able to get across to him. When you are solid inside yourself about NC, you will indeed have NC. Until then, expect more phone calls and texts and requests to meet, no matter what your words are.

Glenjo99

Ok thanks I know what you mean. I'm anxious at the thoughts of it but I have to do it. He's making an idiot out of me and I'm allowing it.

FallenAngelina

This has been the gift of AlAnon for me - to see clearly how I participate in relationships. Nobody can harass me or take advantage of me without my participation. At first, the realization might leave us feeling foolish, but in truth, this principle is incredibly empowering and liberating. It's taking a lot of work (AKA recovery) on my part to be able to really mean "no contact" when I say, "No contact!" I totally feel for what a challenge this is and that's why I always recommend ongoing inner work for the person who loves the alcoholic. There has to be a lot more beside anger at the drinker in order for a relationship to change - in our cases, in order for NC to really stick. Until we are solid in our inner resolve, our beloved alcoholics will continue to draw us in because we are conflicted and because we allow it.

trailmix

Focusing on your self-worth is important here. You deserve to be treated with respect.

I've been in an abusive relationship. You can get numb to the abuse. Emotional, physical, it's no different, you become accustomed to it. The truth is there is no excuse for it. No amount of alcohol, no past history, no abuse by another to them, nothing excuses someone being abusive to you.

If you choose to be around someone with those tendencies, you can't let him walk on you, you can't not challenge the abuse.

I personally think when suspending contact with someone that it is respectful to let them know. As in, I don't think we should speak for a while and just leave it at that. Whether you say that in person or in text or email is up to you but meeting him leaves it all wide open for him to have a major confrontation with you or a major discussion, is that what you want really? Are you really looking for no contact or for an apology?

Glenjo99

Not looking for an apology at all. I want to stop feeling anxious. When he rings drunk I'm so annoyed. I think I've changed and realised when I knew him first he was around mine a lot and we would drink together. Now he's not even doing that just ringing me drunk to tell/show me what he's doing.

atalose

Then stop answering his calls/texts. Sounds like you want to have a normal healthy talk with someone who is constantly under the influence of alcohol and that never goes well. I think if you feel you must say anything at all it should be very quick and simple………….I no longer wish to tolerate engaging with someone under the influence. I wish you well good bye. Then follow that up with blocking him and his cousin from contacting you.

You are getting yourself all caught up mentally in a fantasy romance relationship with someone who has told you that he is not interested in a relationship with you. So you settled for just being his friend. But your thoughts and emotions are going to jealousy over a family member he is living with. Thinking he is purposely telling you stories about woman on line to make you jealous when in fact he’s just doing what alcoholic do – drinking – selfish erratic impulsive inconsiderate behaviors.

You don't need his permission or approval to end this toxic relationship, you only need yourself.

You don't owe him a thing besides setting him free from what you want from him that he cannot possibly give you.

Glenjo99

Well I know him and he was doing it to make me jealous. He also told me he loved me, with kisses in the message and other affectionate stuff. Mixed messages which he always sent, however this time I'm not feeling it. Maybe I will just block him and move on.

pdm22