Sometimes I wonder why I bothered.
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Originally Posted by pdm22 
Yup, that’s what I’m talking about, it’s totally a thing.
Not knowing these people myself, but from what you have said, and just knowing how people are..it’s much better to be really, really rigid with your boundaries now and not give her an inch (and with him too, as you’ve said yourself). It’s worse when you go into situations with looser boundaries, and then try to firm them up, you get met with all kinds of retaliation then. And from what you have said about him, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to let this woman control him or his behavior, if anything, he’ll get triggered by her trying to, that’s my guess.
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Originally Posted by glenjo99
yes that kind of control can only trigger. It's fine now when he is in her total control, but once he starts to pull away again hopefully if he gets better, she will suffocate him. I liken her to cathy bates in the film misery lol.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes that kind of control can only trigger. It's fine now when he is in her total control, but once he starts to pull away again hopefully if he gets better, she will suffocate him. I liken her to Cathy Bates in the film Misery lol.
What I see happening is that it's still early days yet, he has been through a lot and can finally take a deep breath and relax. Food, company, alcohol, relaxation, alcohol.
Where is he getting money from? He must have some and why on earth does the cousin believe that he is only drinking his TWO bottles of wine a day?
Anyway, as you said, he bucked that system last time and he will again once he gets bored with it, he will be sneaking around drinking and she will be on to it and the fighting will begin when she sees she is losing control (which she never had and never will).
Don't get me wrong, I wish him well, I just think is a bunch of BS. Even if tapering worked, which it can in some cases, tapering is a set reduction in alcohol to avoid withdrawal, it's not drinking two bottles of wine a day.
Kind of like going on a diet and eating enough to maintain your weight ie: it's BS because it makes exactly zero logical sense.
It's interesting was listening to melody beattie yesterday and she was saying the Codependent (his cousin) ends up ultimately being controlled.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Not ultimately in this case - already.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Exactly. Codependent relationships are all about control and living by external cues. Anyone involved in a codependent relationship is already trapped in a cycle of (attempted) control by both people. I'd be interested to hear the exact quote.
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Interesting that it's the weekend and there's no contact, after quite a bit of texting during the week. Reminds me of when he lived here before. I was the mon-fri entertainment and at weekends was all quiet. I really wish I could believe I deserve more. My head knows it, the rest has to catch up.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Interesting that it's the weekend and there's no contact, after quite a bit of texting during the week. Reminds me of when he lived here before. I was the mon-fri entertainment and at weekends was all quiet. I really wish I could believe I deserve more. My head knows it, the rest has to catch up.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
For me, it came with time--but only as long as I was treating myself as if I deserved better (even when I wasn't really feeling it).
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
For me, it came with time--but only as long as I was treating myself as if I deserved better (even when I wasn't really feeling it).
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I wonder at times why I bothered. Why I bothered with learning all about codependency, staying on my side of the street and being responsible for myself.
The rewards are amazing.
I'm finding balance in letting go, moving forward, developing a kindness for myself, goals bigger than ever and enjoyment of life. Unconditional happiness, self-acceptance and authenticity.
One day at a time.
A.H. a game of alignment:
https://youtu.be/mmdfipxVW0s
The rewards are amazing.
I'm finding balance in letting go, moving forward, developing a kindness for myself, goals bigger than ever and enjoyment of life. Unconditional happiness, self-acceptance and authenticity.
One day at a time.
A.H. a game of alignment:
https://youtu.be/mmdfipxVW0s
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Interesting that it's the weekend and there's no contact, after quite a bit of texting during the week. Reminds me of when he lived here before. I was the mon-fri entertainment and at weekends was all quiet. I really wish I could believe I deserve more. My head knows it, the rest has to catch up.
Not everyone with substance abuse presents the same way, some are just unpredictable, but funny my dear friend who passed away was like this. I always kind of knew when he was off the wagon, because he’d start treating weekends as this thing, and since my partying days are looong gone, I’d mostly get silence, and he’d reappear after the weekend was over. When he was clean/ sober, he treated the weekends like any other day, and I’d hear from him even if he had a lot of busy family stuff going on.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
Not everyone with substance abuse presents the same way, some are just unpredictable, but funny my dear friend who passed away was like this. I always kind of knew when he was off the wagon, because he’d start treating weekends as this thing, and since my partying days are looong gone, I’d mostly get silence, and he’d reappear after the weekend was over. When he was clean/ sober, he treated the weekends like any other day, and I’d hear from him even if he had a lot of busy family stuff going on.
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I'd say you have that right, that's probably exactly what they are doing. This is also the down side (as if you need any more) of the whole "friends" thing. Do all your friends call you on the weekend? Probably not, if he was your SO, then you would have an expectation of that (and rightfully so).
It's messy for sure.
It's messy for sure.
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Does it matter? 
Finding ease in our own lives, directing focus onto things we can control and are healthy for us, brings about big changes. Contemplating my own next good action, finding goodness where I am or directing my feet to a place where I can do that.
Al-anon does this for me. Breaking free from thought patterns that don't help me.
Finding ease in our own lives, directing focus onto things we can control and are healthy for us, brings about big changes. Contemplating my own next good action, finding goodness where I am or directing my feet to a place where I can do that.
Al-anon does this for me. Breaking free from thought patterns that don't help me.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'd say you have that right, that's probably exactly what they are doing. This is also the down side (as if you need any more) of the whole "friends" thing. Do all your friends call you on the weekend? Probably not, if he was your SO, then you would have an expectation of that (and rightfully so).
It's messy for sure.
It's messy for sure.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
That's interesting isn't it. I suppose if I'm honest I'm thinking, well he's out there with her drinking bottles of wine, instead of wanting to call into me. I know! But I have to say what I'm feeling. I really think if he contacts me after the weekend I'm going to ignore him.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
Yeah it can happen with any loved one, but when it’s someone you have feelings for, those thoughts can really start to run amok...
Originally Posted by Mango212
Hi Glenjo,
Happy Sunday.
Happy Sunday.
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