Reporting back....
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Reporting back....
So my ex is back living near me with his cousin. I'll probably regret it, but I have agreed to meet up and have a chat with him. I met his cousin today, she asked me to report back to her if he is drinking, how much and what. Apparently he is drinking still but weening himself off it. He had 4 bottles of wine on Saturday she said, which she bought, and she said she is hoping he will stop sooner rather than later.
Firstly I know I know, NC is what I "should" do but hey I'm human and going to be honest.
So after that, my every cell inside turned as I'm not comfortable with reporting back to her which I told her. Explained about my codependency recovery and how it's not my thing to watch, control or report on another's drinking. She said if I didn't I was keeping his drinking secret, as he was less likely to lie to her if we were in contact about the amount he is drinking. That he has a lot of issues and needs everyone around him to be on same page.
Again, I know if I was going NC I wouldn't have to be doing this. So I'm wondering is she right? Or is my instinct right? Should I report back to her or allow him be an adult and responsible for himself.
Firstly I know I know, NC is what I "should" do but hey I'm human and going to be honest.
So after that, my every cell inside turned as I'm not comfortable with reporting back to her which I told her. Explained about my codependency recovery and how it's not my thing to watch, control or report on another's drinking. She said if I didn't I was keeping his drinking secret, as he was less likely to lie to her if we were in contact about the amount he is drinking. That he has a lot of issues and needs everyone around him to be on same page.
Again, I know if I was going NC I wouldn't have to be doing this. So I'm wondering is she right? Or is my instinct right? Should I report back to her or allow him be an adult and responsible for himself.
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You have a free will and a mind of your own. You only have control over yourself. It's your right to choose to have contact with your ex. Your life. Your choice. But only you are responsible for the consequences of your actions. Something to keep in mind when you meet with your ex.
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Originally Posted by ErinGoBragh 
You have a free will and a mind of your own. You only have control over yourself. It's your right to choose to have contact with your ex. Your life. Your choice. But only you are responsible for the consequences of your actions. Something to keep in mind when you meet with your ex.
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Originally Posted by ErinGoBragh
What motivates you to remain in the loop and be involved in any way with your ex?
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Should I report back to her or allow him be an adult and responsible for himself.
Remember you don't "allow" him to do anything, he makes his own choices. If you respect that, the answer is obvious.
I am glad you are being honest but you know there will be some push-back. Understand that people just want what is best for you.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Strong emotions keep me connected. I'll be honest I realise even after meeting her that it does sound like a potentially messy situation to get back into but as someone has stated perhaps I'm sick myself if I am even contemplating it. Hard not to when there's love involved.
But now, several years later, I see how crazy and not-a-candidate-for-a-relationship my ex was. And even more, I see how much harm I brought to myself and the situation through my own codependency.
It's not love that you are experiencing (or that I experienced), Glenjo, it's dysfunction. It is an addiction. We do this to run away from ourselves and our own emptiness.
There's a guy named Ross Rosenberg who posts on Youtube. He calls it Self-Love Deficit Disorder. Search for him and you might find something in his videos that reaches you. Lisa J Romano on Youtube is good too.
Two sickies don't make a wellie. You are not going to help him, no matter what you do. But this is a great opportunity to work on yourself, to grow.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Keeping his drinking secret? What is this, a really slow intervention? You are not his keeper.
Remember you don't "allow" him to do anything, he makes his own choices. If you respect that, the answer is obvious.
I am glad you are being honest but you know there will be some push-back. Understand that people just want what is best for you.
Remember you don't "allow" him to do anything, he makes his own choices. If you respect that, the answer is obvious.
I am glad you are being honest but you know there will be some push-back. Understand that people just want what is best for you.
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
Codependency / Anxious Attachment / Inverse Narcissism -- definitely a sickness. I speak as one who has absolutely been there myself, so I am not singling you out as someone who is sicker than I ever was.
But now, several years later, I see how crazy and not-a-candidate-for-a-relationship my ex was. And even more, I see how much harm I brought to myself and the situation through my own codependency.
It's not love that you are experiencing (or that I experienced), Glenjo, it's dysfunction. It is an addiction. We do this to run away from ourselves and our own emptiness.
There's a guy named Ross Rosenberg who posts on Youtube. He calls it Self-Love Deficit Disorder. Search for him and you might find something in his videos that reaches you. Lisa J Romano on Youtube is good too.
Two sickies don't make a wellie. You are not going to help him, no matter what you do. But this is a great opportunity to work on yourself, to grow.
But now, several years later, I see how crazy and not-a-candidate-for-a-relationship my ex was. And even more, I see how much harm I brought to myself and the situation through my own codependency.
It's not love that you are experiencing (or that I experienced), Glenjo, it's dysfunction. It is an addiction. We do this to run away from ourselves and our own emptiness.
There's a guy named Ross Rosenberg who posts on Youtube. He calls it Self-Love Deficit Disorder. Search for him and you might find something in his videos that reaches you. Lisa J Romano on Youtube is good too.
Two sickies don't make a wellie. You are not going to help him, no matter what you do. But this is a great opportunity to work on yourself, to grow.
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Strong emotions aren’t always something we have to act upon. Allowing ourselves to be at their mercy is ultimately dysfunctional and harmful. Whatever happens next—now, three days from now, three months or years from now, we’ll be here.
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Glenjo,
Something I’ve learned (the hard way) is that many bad situations in my life were perpetuated by me “feeling” my way through them, often disregarding my own common sense/objective view. I have found that it takes me months for my heart to catch up with what my brain knows to be a bad idea. After time passes and I get away from the intensity, my emotions catch up with the reality of the situation and I can accept the (painful) right choice.
I now choose to remove myself from negative situations knowing that objectivity will follow after a period of “white knuckling”.
I’ve also set a standard...would I be comfortable honestly sharing the reality of this relationship with a friend, or would I sugar coat it knowing that they would think I was bonkers for staying enmeshed?
In the end, you must live your life as you see fit...just be careful and listen to what your head/common sense/sense of self-preservation/future self is telling you as well. Sometimes “feelings” fail us.
-bora
Something I’ve learned (the hard way) is that many bad situations in my life were perpetuated by me “feeling” my way through them, often disregarding my own common sense/objective view. I have found that it takes me months for my heart to catch up with what my brain knows to be a bad idea. After time passes and I get away from the intensity, my emotions catch up with the reality of the situation and I can accept the (painful) right choice.
I now choose to remove myself from negative situations knowing that objectivity will follow after a period of “white knuckling”.
I’ve also set a standard...would I be comfortable honestly sharing the reality of this relationship with a friend, or would I sugar coat it knowing that they would think I was bonkers for staying enmeshed?
In the end, you must live your life as you see fit...just be careful and listen to what your head/common sense/sense of self-preservation/future self is telling you as well. Sometimes “feelings” fail us.
-bora
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Strong emotions aren’t always something we have to act upon. Allowing ourselves to be at their mercy is ultimately dysfunctional and harmful. Whatever happens next—now, three days from now, three months or years from now, we’ll be here.
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Originally Posted by boreas
Glenjo,
Something I’ve learned (the hard way) is that many bad situations in my life were perpetuated by me “feeling” my way through them, often disregarding my own common sense/objective view. I have found that it takes me months for my heart to catch up with what my brain knows to be a bad idea. After time passes and I get away from the intensity, my emotions catch up with the reality of the situation and I can accept the (painful) right choice.
I now choose to remove myself from negative situations knowing that objectivity will follow after a period of “white knuckling”.
I’ve also set a standard...would I be comfortable honestly sharing the reality of this relationship with a friend, or would I sugar coat it knowing that they would think I was bonkers for staying enmeshed?
In the end, you must live your life as you see fit...just be careful and listen to what your head/common sense/sense of self-preservation/future self is telling you as well. Sometimes “feelings” fail us.
-bora
Something I’ve learned (the hard way) is that many bad situations in my life were perpetuated by me “feeling” my way through them, often disregarding my own common sense/objective view. I have found that it takes me months for my heart to catch up with what my brain knows to be a bad idea. After time passes and I get away from the intensity, my emotions catch up with the reality of the situation and I can accept the (painful) right choice.
I now choose to remove myself from negative situations knowing that objectivity will follow after a period of “white knuckling”.
I’ve also set a standard...would I be comfortable honestly sharing the reality of this relationship with a friend, or would I sugar coat it knowing that they would think I was bonkers for staying enmeshed?
In the end, you must live your life as you see fit...just be careful and listen to what your head/common sense/sense of self-preservation/future self is telling you as well. Sometimes “feelings” fail us.
-bora
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
One more quick thought. Sounds like the cousin could quickly become another source of unwanted drama in your life. If I were in your shoes, no matter what you choose to do about ex I would try to maintain some space with his family. Sounds like the last thing you need is her ringing you each time he is non-compliant (or compliant) with whatever recovery she is trying to construct for him.
-bora
-bora
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Originally Posted by boreas
One more quick thought. Sounds like the cousin could quickly become another source of unwanted drama in your life. If I were in your shoes, no matter what you choose to do about ex I would try to maintain some space with his family. Sounds like the last thing you need is her ringing you each time he is non-compliant (or compliant) with whatever recovery she is trying to construct for him.
-bora
-bora
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Apparently he is drinking still but weening himself off it. He had 4 bottles of wine on Saturday
She already knows that. What possible difference can it make if she knows precisely what he drinks when he's with you?
Don't report back to the cousin. She *lives* with him, yes? She, and he, can speak for themselves. If he lies to her, then he does. Up to her how she handles it. It's between them.
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Originally Posted by 53500
Four bottles of wine in a day is weening off??
She already knows that. What possible difference can it make if she knows precisely what he drinks when he's with you?
Don't report back to the cousin. She *lives* with him, yes? She, and he, can speak for themselves. If he lies to her, then he does. Up to her how she handles it. It's between them.
She already knows that. What possible difference can it make if she knows precisely what he drinks when he's with you?
Don't report back to the cousin. She *lives* with him, yes? She, and he, can speak for themselves. If he lies to her, then he does. Up to her how she handles it. It's between them.
I won't be reporting back.
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