Reporting back....

Old 11-21-2018, 01:34 PM
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When are you meeting him?
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Old 11-21-2018, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
When are you meeting him?
Tomorrow for lunch.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:00 PM
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Your cousin is looking out for your ex and herself Who is looking out for you in this transaction?

What would happen if you said no right now? How would he react? What would that tell you?
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Your cousin is looking out for your ex and herself Who is looking out for you in this transaction?

What would happen if you said no right now? How would he react? What would that tell you?
I'm looking out for me as usual. If I said no I'm not sure, I think he'd move onto the next person, I know what that tells me, but I'm obviously not strong enough yet.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:15 PM
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I cannot imagine anyone wanting to get involved in all that alcoholic dysfunction! It sounds like they both have mental issues, as well.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
I'm looking out for me as usual. If I said no I'm not sure, I think he'd move onto the next person, I know what that tells me, but I'm obviously not strong enough yet.
I hate to hear you say you aren't strong enough. Going in to this you need to be strong.

Working on boundaries beforehand might be worth doing, write them down if that helps.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:16 PM
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She is a controller so feels she needs to control his whole life. I know this will sound weird, but I think he is almost like a replacement partner for her. He told me before, she's lonely and insecure and would do anything to have him stay there!
This doesn’t surprise me at all.

She said if I didn't I was keeping his drinking secret, as he was less likely to lie to her if we were in contact about the amount he is drinking. That he has a lot of issues and needs everyone around him to be on same page.
I’m sure you already see this, but it may help to hear someone else say it...this is a very thinly veiled attempt to manipulate you. So I think you’re right, she wants you as a partner and sounding board, but this is an ugly way to go about it.

I’m with Puzzle...seems like these two folks have their own agendas and neither one has your best interests at heart.

-bora
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I hate to hear you say you aren't strong enough. Going in to this you need to be strong, hold your boundaries, don't let yourself get thrown around by his whims.

Decide on your boundaries beforehand, write them down if that helps, don't just just let your emotions lead you.
Thanks I had planned to do that, write down things I want to say, what I will and won't accept. Reporting back will be one of the things I won't accept. Who knows maybe after seeing him I might change my mind.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:55 PM
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I am with 53500, 4 bottles of wine is NOT weening off of anything....

And just my humble opinion, I believe the cousin is TOXIC, if you are not going to avoid him, avoid the cousin, good lord... that cousin has all the makings of “he said, she said”. gossip. Blah, blah, blah, POISON.
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Old 11-21-2018, 03:22 PM
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Can you feel the strong emotions but not do anything about them? Not act on them, just sit with them and observe, “I am experiencing strong feelings about this. Okay”. As someone earlier said, emotions do not mean you need to do something . You can also just observe that they exist and are currently in your mind.
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Old 11-21-2018, 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I am with 53500, 4 bottles of wine is NOT weening off of anything....

And just my humble opinion, I believe the cousin is TOXIC, if you are not going to avoid him, avoid the cousin, good lord... that cousin has all the makings of “he said, she said”. gossip. Blah, blah, blah, POISON.
I will be definitely avoiding her. Never been more concrete in that decision.
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Old 11-21-2018, 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
Can you feel the strong emotions but not do anything about them? Not act on them, just sit with them and observe, “I am experiencing strong feelings about this. Okay”. As someone earlier said, emotions do not mean you need to do something . You can also just observe that they exist and are currently in your mind.
I'm going to try!
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Old 11-22-2018, 03:01 AM
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If you detach from him and his drinking, it means you have to detach from any drama associated with it... including this cousin (buys 4 bottles of wine for an alcoholic!).
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Old 11-22-2018, 05:06 AM
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I wish you peace and joy, Glenjo. I wish that for everyone. Reading this thread has been a good reminder to me that not only can we not control the alcoholics and addicts in our lives, but we cannot control anyone--even our fellow F&F.

You are an adult with free will, Glenjo, and you have every right to make whatever decisions for your life as you see fit.

Please take good care!
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Old 11-22-2018, 06:19 AM
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Good luck Glenjo99, hope you get out of it what you are expecting, In the end you need to do what works best for you.
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Old 11-22-2018, 11:03 AM
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I know you need to do what you need to do but can you pause and think it through? You are putting yourself in direct firing line for hurt and pain.

I say this as a codie who also did all this behaviour. All the best to you.
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Old 11-22-2018, 12:45 PM
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So met him today. Was looking well and had a good chat. He apologized for what happened in the summer and informed me about what's been happening in his life, how and why he did what he did. He's been through a lot, 4 rehabs, on the streets and living with a cocaine addict and a suicide attempt. Says he is very happy to be back and attending meetings again. Says he has handed over his bank cards to his cousin and she has control over all his stuff as he doesn't trust himself. She is buying him alcohol daily he said but he hopes to stop very soon. She has total control over his life now, not over me however, I explained I would not be reporting any drinking back to her which he said he really respected.

He seems a bit different, a bit more real, said he is not people pleasing anymore and wants to be honest. Whilst talking with him, he took phonecall from a new best friend who was a mate from rehab, said they were through a lot together(he rescued him off the streets after relapse).

I feel a bit of relief, like I got answers to some issues I was stuck on about this summer. It's a gift really as it should help me move past it. He said he would like to keep on touch and be in each other's lives. I told him I'm unsure and need time to adjust to everything. He said his cousin and he are going to get a dog for their place as he will be at home a lot. Another way to keep him there in my opinion. He said she is delighted to have him there, and is doing everything, paying for food, alcohol, and she will be controlling his drinking......I explained how much work I've done on codependency and that I wouldn't be playing any part in fixing, rescuing or reporting if I did choose to be involved. My feeling is that although we could be in each other's lives again, it's so different as he is totally under the thumb of his cousin. She rings him every day at 1 pm to check in with him, texts throughout the day and then brings him home wine in the evening after work. Its like their a couple and it weirds me out. Whole thing is baffling and I suppose I realise even a friendship with him now would be very restricted.

So that's where I am. Further on, some questions answered and resolved thankfully, unsure of the future.
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Old 11-22-2018, 02:08 PM
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I'm glad it went well for you, as well as could be expected anyway and that you got some of your questions answered.

It must have been a bit weird for sure. The whole cousin thing, I guess it's like free rehab with alcohol service. I imagine she thinks she is doing something good for him and maybe she is, who knows! Nothing else has worked - 4 rehabs. All that remains to be seen.

Do you feel any differently about it all now that you have seen him?
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Old 11-22-2018, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I'm glad it went well for you, as well as could be expected anyway and that you got some of your questions answered.

It must have been a bit weird for sure. The whole cousin thing, I guess it's like free rehab with alcohol service. I imagine she thinks she is doing something good for him and maybe she is, who knows! Nothing else has worked - 4 rehabs. All that remains to be seen.

Do you feel any differently about it all now that you have seen him?
Maybe she is, who knows anymore. The feelings are still there to be honest, and weirdly tonight I feel sad knowing he's staying with her, they have a nice arrangement going and I'm all alone (I know self pity is not attractive). I feel bottom of the list more now having placed the boundary of not reoprting back, it's like he said he respected that, but I think he's not going to do or say anything to jepradise where he is now. His rehab friends he messages all the time, I just don't know how or if I fit in now.
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Old 11-22-2018, 02:21 PM
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Ah ok, I didn't pick up on that, that he would want you to go along with the cousin's plan so it doesn't jeopardize his living arrangement. Yeah that's weird.

I suppose it's good that he has rehab friends, if they are sober that is.

So now what, do you guys remain friends, do you meet up again or are you just going to sit with all this for a bit.
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