clarity888

Well, last week AH "gave me a break" of a few days since I got tired of his drinking vodka and trying to hide it. He drank on a Sat. night, then Monday night a week ago. That's when I asked him to please go to his parents', who have supported me in getting him to choose help. Despite being at his parents', who he says keep him accountable, he came to counseling on Wed. drunk, and the next night, Thurs., reeking at our son's very cool school play.

After the play incident, I told him mother about him drinking all these days despite staying at their place during part of it. I mentioned concerns about him driving kiddo just a block or two--I feel like he's free-falling and reeks worse than ever, and like he could get into a wreck or who knows what. She did tell me to trust God, that we've all asked him to decide on treatment right away, but she downplayed about playing the "what if" game about drinking and driving. I don't get that. I guess he didn't have to drive DS anywhere, but if he had, it very possibly would've been AFTER he'd been drinking at least SOME.

So, he stayed away at the parents', returned yesterday, and DS was with him at the parents' too over the weekend since I had to work. DS is off school this week, at a friend's sleepover tonight. AH returns from an AA meeting reeking, I call him out. I tell him how I can't believe he went right back to it the day after he returned from this "break" where he supposedly got his head together and decided he would do outpatient mental health treatment. I guess until that starts, he will drink. But I am devastated (again), and I guess I am not all that surprised, yet I am. I asked what went through his head, he said he knew I would find out, but he was just sad and did it. He is sad about a lot of things that I do, and mishandle, in our relationship. He's mad I'm gone all the time (some days I'm home by 5, others not until 8) but I don't feel quitting my far-away job will help at the moment. I've lined up daycare for DS this week during the day and after school from now on. I told AH our issues and my part ay be true, but we can't work on any of that until he is sober. I guess that's all I have to say. He mentioned inpatient instead, when I told him he won't be around to see his son grow up if he is isn't careful. I hate this stuff.

This week, his family is all gathering at his parents, and I've decided not to go. My own mother had surgery a week ago, had some issues, and her health is so-so, need to see her. My father is still post-stroke, paralyzed/incontinent/bedridden/I-wouldn't-wish-that-on-anyone, so I should prob. pay him a visit too. Or maybe I will just take a "self-care" day, and not drive at all.

Thanks so much for listening. I don't understand why he can "not drink" at their house, yet "just does it" here, knowing the potential consequence. Again, grateful for the chance to vent.

trailmix

I agree with you, he can't be driving your Son at all, ever, whether at home or staying with them. Trust God? Not sure what that has to do with keeping your Son safe. Please know I'm not downplaying anyone's beliefs but there is faith and there is ignoring this very real threat to you child. There are times when you have to be proactive and this is one of those times/things.


I guess he didn't have to drive DS anywhere, but if he had, it very possibly would've been AFTER he'd been drinking at least SOME.

Did he mention how his alcoholism affects you and your child? This is just blame shifting. He may indeed have some beef with you, he doesn't have to drink over it.

But he does drink at his parent's house?

dandylion

clarity......apparently, he does drink at his parent's house, also...or, at least, on his break...on his parent's time.....
Remember that his parents have no more ability to control him, if he drinks, than you do. They can try their best...but, an alcoholic will find a way to drink, if they want/need to, bad enough.....

FeelingGreat

Oh Clarity you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Take care of yourself and vent here as much as you like.

MCESaint

Trust God, by all means.

But, ya know, the Lord helps those who help themselves. God may send you help -- the help you need, not necessarily the help you wanted. The "trick" is to recognize that help when it comes.

I agree with not playing "what if" -- because he could be stone cold sober and have a deadly accident . . . one that's not even his fault. The "what if" thinking is NOT very helpful - because there is an infinite universe of "what ifs."

BUT, I also agree that it is dangerous to your child to let AH drive a vehicle with them. The problem isn't a "what if", but a what IS. It is an extremely risky and neglectful behavior by AH, even if it "turns out alright in the end."

It is almost impossible to prevent him from driving DS while drunk because you can't be everywhere 24/7/365. It also puts you in the position of being "the cop" or "enforcer" if he does. Which just adds to the drama and may put you physically at risk.

One thing you *could* do is get a court order saying he's a danger to the child - when he drinks and drives. But to do that, you'd likely to have to show that he does, in fact, drink and drive - so a history of dwi is helpful in a court setting.

To "get that history" this is a step I've seen others take (but I could not), when he pulls off with DS in an intoxicated state - call the cops (anonymously) on him. And, then, start the process of getting a protective order for your child.

MCE Saint

Mango212

Hi clarity,

One day at a time. (((hugs)))

Sounds like a really good time for extra support for yourself and your son. The simplest prayers are the most directly focused: "Help", "Thank you" and asking to see God's guidance.

Namaste

hopeful4

Hi Clarity.

He is active in addiction right now. That part you will have to accept. Hopefully he will get the help, although only he can decide that. It's an evil cycle.

I am sorry. I send you big hugs!

atalose

Please don’t buy into any of his blame for his drinking on you. He doesn’t drink because of you or because of anything you do or mishandle in the marriage. He doesn’t drink because of your job being far away or because you come home late from work sometimes.

He drinks because he is an alcoholic and that is what active alcoholics do. You and your kids are just part of the collateral damage that stems from it.

LovePeaceSushi

Clarity, my heart goes out to you. Mine will do similar things - going to marriage counseling one day with this new "halleluja" spirit and the next we are back to him drinking. And my question is the same to him: how can you do that when you know I'm going to smell it, you know you're not supposed to be doing it, you know you can die from it, and you know it's tearing our marriage apart? - - - There's never a good reason. It's always "I just wasn't thinking about that at the time; I needed a drink".

I am in no way (IN NO WAY) any kind of expert on here. Atalose puts it perfectly in my opinion with the comment "He drinks because he is an alcoholic and that is what active alcoholics do. You and your kids are just part of the collateral damage that stems from it."

Amen. That's the best way I've heard it and it's what makes the most sense.

clarity888

You all make great points. Yes, he did drink while on his parents' time while he went about getting to/from the office on two days, or went somewhere. The cycle is evil, for sure. Thanks for listening and responding, and the hugs.