one week in with AH back in the house
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
one week in with AH back in the house
So one week in to AH being back at the house with us….
One week is barely a drop in the bucket, I know… I’m feeling up and down emotionally about it, but overall it’s going well. Still feeling cautiously optimistic, and I just keep reminding myself that it’s good for the boys for us to be together… as long as things can stay calm.... It’s good for them to see him sober and acting like a father should. It’s good for them to see him treating me with respect. I’m happy for all that….
But I keep sort of getting these waves of feeling defeated, and OMG what have I done? All my work on myself, and learning to set boundaries and stick to them…. all just to let him come back?!… BUT, then I remind myself that my growth doesn’t have to stop just because he’s back again. My boundary setting doesn’t have to stop either. I think I actually feel more determined to keep working on myself than ever….
I told him what I expect him to contribute financially as well as with the household duties and childcare duties… We’ve had a couple of productive conversations, and we both are trying to communicate differently… Right now that’s all going well…
I’m struggling with wanting to be affectionate with him, and I worry about that. We haven’t been intimate in a really long time and I don’t really want to. I hope I will want to if things continue to go well, but what if I never do?
I’ve definitely had moments I’ve wanted to tell him to just please go back to GF…. that I’ve made a horrible mistake… And I’ve had moments I’ve wished he would go see GF or call her or do something else I can't put up with... so I could feel like I had a good excuse to tell him to leave and go back to her… so it wouldn't have to be just because I am super fickle and emotional….
I haven’t told my parents yet. I had opportunities, but I feel embarrassed and I just don’t want to. I haven’t told anyone besides you all, actually.
Thank you for being here
One week is barely a drop in the bucket, I know… I’m feeling up and down emotionally about it, but overall it’s going well. Still feeling cautiously optimistic, and I just keep reminding myself that it’s good for the boys for us to be together… as long as things can stay calm.... It’s good for them to see him sober and acting like a father should. It’s good for them to see him treating me with respect. I’m happy for all that….
But I keep sort of getting these waves of feeling defeated, and OMG what have I done? All my work on myself, and learning to set boundaries and stick to them…. all just to let him come back?!… BUT, then I remind myself that my growth doesn’t have to stop just because he’s back again. My boundary setting doesn’t have to stop either. I think I actually feel more determined to keep working on myself than ever….
I told him what I expect him to contribute financially as well as with the household duties and childcare duties… We’ve had a couple of productive conversations, and we both are trying to communicate differently… Right now that’s all going well…
I’m struggling with wanting to be affectionate with him, and I worry about that. We haven’t been intimate in a really long time and I don’t really want to. I hope I will want to if things continue to go well, but what if I never do?
I’ve definitely had moments I’ve wanted to tell him to just please go back to GF…. that I’ve made a horrible mistake… And I’ve had moments I’ve wished he would go see GF or call her or do something else I can't put up with... so I could feel like I had a good excuse to tell him to leave and go back to her… so it wouldn't have to be just because I am super fickle and emotional….
I haven’t told my parents yet. I had opportunities, but I feel embarrassed and I just don’t want to. I haven’t told anyone besides you all, actually.
Thank you for being here
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are absolutely correct, the work on yourself and forming boundaries never has to stop, if he is there or not. Nor does him coming home negate all the hard recovery work you have done. Never forget that!
I think intimacy for a woman is in the head, and you likely won't want any intimacy with him until you have formed a trust for him again. He has to earn that, and hopefully he understands that. He should understand it as part of his recovery and learning the impacts it had on others.
You will eventually have to tell your family. Do you spend time w/them over the holidays? Maybe just bite the bullet and do it. I pray they are supportive of you, as you deserve that. I suspect it will be the same for them, he will have to EARN that trust, and it's hard work.
His attitude during all of this (dealing with intimacy and family issues) will tell ALOT of where his head really is.
Sending you a huge hug friend!
I think intimacy for a woman is in the head, and you likely won't want any intimacy with him until you have formed a trust for him again. He has to earn that, and hopefully he understands that. He should understand it as part of his recovery and learning the impacts it had on others.
You will eventually have to tell your family. Do you spend time w/them over the holidays? Maybe just bite the bullet and do it. I pray they are supportive of you, as you deserve that. I suspect it will be the same for them, he will have to EARN that trust, and it's hard work.
His attitude during all of this (dealing with intimacy and family issues) will tell ALOT of where his head really is.
Sending you a huge hug friend!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks Hopeful... Yes, I will see my parents on Thanksgiving. Actually tomorrow my mom will be at my house to stay with the boys while I'm at work (and AH will be working too)... so I should probably give her a head's up...
They will be worried, but as supportive as they can be... I don't like them to worry.
Sending a hug back to you Hopeful, and Happy Thanksgiving !
They will be worried, but as supportive as they can be... I don't like them to worry.
Sending a hug back to you Hopeful, and Happy Thanksgiving !
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You sound like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, this surely isn't easy.
It's great you could talk and get some practical matters ironed out, expenses and looking after the kids etc, that's important.
As for intimacy, yes, you may want to hold off on that. With your feelings being up and over and sideways at this point, that, I suspect, would just throw you emotionally right now.
When you spoke of him moving back in, I'm guessing there was no discussion of the relationship between you? Did you two decide he would just move in and see how it goes?
Personally I would wait at least a week or two to see how everything settles down before perhaps discussing how you want to go forward and what your expectations (and his) are. You will need to talk about it though don't you think?
Yes, it's good to share it with your family, not surprising they will worry but that's ok, they can handle it.
It's great you could talk and get some practical matters ironed out, expenses and looking after the kids etc, that's important.
As for intimacy, yes, you may want to hold off on that. With your feelings being up and over and sideways at this point, that, I suspect, would just throw you emotionally right now.
When you spoke of him moving back in, I'm guessing there was no discussion of the relationship between you? Did you two decide he would just move in and see how it goes?
Personally I would wait at least a week or two to see how everything settles down before perhaps discussing how you want to go forward and what your expectations (and his) are. You will need to talk about it though don't you think?
Yes, it's good to share it with your family, not surprising they will worry but that's ok, they can handle it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys…...no sense in using so much of your energy on future tripping....
It might be better for you to take a chill pill on that....and fact the future as it unfolds and continue doing the next right thing....
Eventually...all things become revealed....
lol....I wish that I could have all the time back that I have used ... worrying or future tripping, myself......because, much of what I have worried over, never came to pass....
It might be better for you to take a chill pill on that....and fact the future as it unfolds and continue doing the next right thing....
Eventually...all things become revealed....
lol....I wish that I could have all the time back that I have used ... worrying or future tripping, myself......because, much of what I have worried over, never came to pass....
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
ok... chill pill swallowed 
One day at a time.
Today things are pleasant in my home, and AH is being a kind, fun, and patient father. He's being respectful and understanding to me... He's doing dinner tonight (planning, buying, and preparing) and he's sober for over two months.
During his past periods of "sobriety" he smoked marijuana daily. But he's not doing that anymore. He's been marijuana free for maybe 4 or 5 months....
And me, I went to the gym today at lunch and really pushed myself... Going back to Al-anon next week (only one offered per week here)
Good things.
The rest will figure itself out in time I guess, one way or the other.
One day at a time.
Today things are pleasant in my home, and AH is being a kind, fun, and patient father. He's being respectful and understanding to me... He's doing dinner tonight (planning, buying, and preparing) and he's sober for over two months.
During his past periods of "sobriety" he smoked marijuana daily. But he's not doing that anymore. He's been marijuana free for maybe 4 or 5 months....
And me, I went to the gym today at lunch and really pushed myself... Going back to Al-anon next week (only one offered per week here)
Good things.
The rest will figure itself out in time I guess, one way or the other.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Khboys,
You and I left out ex's about the same time, if I recall correctly. I really empathize with your decision to take him back, too. I think if mine had shown any compunction, or if our children had been any younger, I might have felt that urge as well.
I just wanted to let you know that I have my fingers crossed for you.
Also, on the intimacy issue, something that my OB/GYN brought up when I was dealing with my XAH--you should make sure he gets tested before you take any risks, though I'm sure you know that already.
Take care--
You and I left out ex's about the same time, if I recall correctly. I really empathize with your decision to take him back, too. I think if mine had shown any compunction, or if our children had been any younger, I might have felt that urge as well.
I just wanted to let you know that I have my fingers crossed for you.
Also, on the intimacy issue, something that my OB/GYN brought up when I was dealing with my XAH--you should make sure he gets tested before you take any risks, though I'm sure you know that already.
Take care--
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Friend, I can only say that since you have made this decision, support him. These are good things he is doing. When someone is truly trying to make a difference, I say cheer them on! I am glad things are good in your house right now, and I hope they stay that way!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by sauerkraut 
I really empathize with your decision to take him back, too. I think if mine had shown any compunction, or if our children had been any younger, I might have felt that urge as well.
I just wanted to let you know that I have my fingers crossed for you.
--
I just wanted to let you know that I have my fingers crossed for you.
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