Can you be friends with someone your in love with (especially if there an addict).
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Yes it is a negative viewpoint, one that I have witnessed none the less. I know couples also where it is evident. In fact I worked with a couple lately, who admitted that the wife loved the husband more than he loved her, never the less he said he loved her. He did cheat on her but that's a whole other story
This is my take on it.
First accept yourself, all the good all the not so good - physical and mental. You are who you are right now. Accept that.
Now we all have things we want to change, whether that's co-dependency or to stop biting our nails, lose 30 lbs or practice having more patience or being a better listener, whatever it is.
Just because you are not as you want to be, ideally, does not mean you need to dislike yourself or not love yourself. I hope that makes sense.
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You can always love yourself.
This is my take on it.
First accept yourself, all the good all the not so good - physical and mental. You are who you are right now. Accept that.
Now we all have things we want to change, whether that's co-dependency or to stop biting our nails, lose 30 lbs or practice having more patience or being a better listener, whatever it is.
Just because you are not as you want to be, ideally, does not mean you need to dislike yourself or not love yourself. I hope that makes sense.
This is my take on it.
First accept yourself, all the good all the not so good - physical and mental. You are who you are right now. Accept that.
Now we all have things we want to change, whether that's co-dependency or to stop biting our nails, lose 30 lbs or practice having more patience or being a better listener, whatever it is.
Just because you are not as you want to be, ideally, does not mean you need to dislike yourself or not love yourself. I hope that makes sense.
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Glenjo-
I think this is less about the other person, and more about if you can trust yourself.
I have had relationships successfully transition to friendships but it took time and work.
With my ex that got me here it has not worked. When he asked me why I responded "Because it would hurt me too much."
I knew in that moment that I could not take care of myself well around him. Can you take care of yourself with this guy? Can you trust yourself to put your needs first, consistently with him....regardless of what he says and does when he is hurt?
I have learned that unless I can trust MYSELF to take care of me when I am with another person I can't be in that relationship.
For me this was not just about intimate relationships but I needed to change friendships and family relationships too (sometimes for short periods, sometimes for long periods).
So can you take care of you with this man?
I think this is less about the other person, and more about if you can trust yourself.
I have had relationships successfully transition to friendships but it took time and work.
With my ex that got me here it has not worked. When he asked me why I responded "Because it would hurt me too much."
I knew in that moment that I could not take care of myself well around him. Can you take care of yourself with this guy? Can you trust yourself to put your needs first, consistently with him....regardless of what he says and does when he is hurt?
I have learned that unless I can trust MYSELF to take care of me when I am with another person I can't be in that relationship.
For me this was not just about intimate relationships but I needed to change friendships and family relationships too (sometimes for short periods, sometimes for long periods).
So can you take care of you with this man?
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Yes it is a negative viewpoint, one that I have witnessed none the less. I know couples also where it is evident. In fact I worked with a couple lately, who admitted that the wife loved the husband more than he loved her, never the less he said he loved her. He did cheat on her but that's a whole other story
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Missed my edit timer..anyways..
Edit: I ask because I know exactly what 'position' I'd have taken when my exAgf offered "friendship".. Do I want to have dinner with her(his in your case) cheating/drunk(ing)/shady ass? F NO!...that ain't me! I'd more than likely end getting involved in some nonsense that's non of my concern..There's nothing there with her and I any longer,minus the selfish ******** she thought was going to still happen ..That crap's no longer my problem. simple/solved! The sooner you let go and accept,the sooner you move on and stop living on 'false hope' of whatever fake fairytail you envisioned happening. Not gonna happen,bud.
Edit: I ask because I know exactly what 'position' I'd have taken when my exAgf offered "friendship".. Do I want to have dinner with her(his in your case) cheating/drunk(ing)/shady ass? F NO!...that ain't me! I'd more than likely end getting involved in some nonsense that's non of my concern..There's nothing there with her and I any longer,minus the selfish ******** she thought was going to still happen ..That crap's no longer my problem. simple/solved! The sooner you let go and accept,the sooner you move on and stop living on 'false hope' of whatever fake fairytail you envisioned happening. Not gonna happen,bud.
Looks like a train wreck down the tracks which could hurt you badly again.
I think the quote from above about making him a priority when you're a [convenient] option is applicable.
I think you are worth far more.
Of course I wish you the best, and would happily be proved incorrect, but not betting on it.
I think the quote from above about making him a priority when you're a [convenient] option is applicable.
I think you are worth far more.
Of course I wish you the best, and would happily be proved incorrect, but not betting on it.
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Well I know I'm not going to get my dream scenario. The penny has dropped that his addiction will always come first. I'm thinking if I continue working on me and my side of street and see him occassionally as friends that could be ok. Not really sure.
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Looks like a train wreck down the tracks which could hurt you badly again.
I think the quote from above about making him a priority when you're a [convenient] option is applicable.
I think you are worth far more.
Of course I wish you the best, and would happily be proved incorrect, but not betting on it.
I think the quote from above about making him a priority when you're a [convenient] option is applicable.
I think you are worth far more.
Of course I wish you the best, and would happily be proved incorrect, but not betting on it.
Can you still be friends if he decides to date someone else? Or would that be too painful to witness?
I was in a relationship where I was loved more. I broke things off because I realized it wasn't fair to him. I didn't want to stay in a relationship with someone because I pitied him. It just seemed disrespectful and demeaning, and I didn't want to string him along as my Plan B when I knew he had unresolved feelings for me.
I've also been in the other end, where I would have happily been the Plan B for a good long while. I did try to stay friends with an ex who I had slept with. He had broken up with me. I tried my best to stay friends, but six months later, when he told me that he was dating again, it was as if someone stuck my heart in a meat grinder, threw the remains on the floor, then did a jig on it.
When I finally met my husband, I just remember thinking, "Holy $#@$, this is how a relationship is supposed to work." When I no longer worried about who loved whom more, I was on solid ground.
I think a lot of relationships have one person who loves the other more.
I've also been in the other end, where I would have happily been the Plan B for a good long while. I did try to stay friends with an ex who I had slept with. He had broken up with me. I tried my best to stay friends, but six months later, when he told me that he was dating again, it was as if someone stuck my heart in a meat grinder, threw the remains on the floor, then did a jig on it.
When I finally met my husband, I just remember thinking, "Holy $#@$, this is how a relationship is supposed to work." When I no longer worried about who loved whom more, I was on solid ground.
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Can you still be friends if he decides to date someone else? Or would that be too painful to witness?
I was in a relationship where I was loved more. I broke things off because I realized it wasn't fair to him. I didn't want to stay in a relationship with someone because I pitied him. It just seemed disrespectful and demeaning, and I didn't want to string him along as my Plan B when I knew he had unresolved feelings for me.
I've also been in the other end, where I would have happily been the Plan B for a good long while. I did try to stay friends with an ex who I had slept with. He had broken up with me. I tried my best to stay friends, but six months later, when he told me that he was dating again, it was as if someone stuck my heart in a meat grinder, threw the remains on the floor, then did a jig on it.
When I finally met my husband, I just remember thinking, "Holy $#@$, this is how a relationship is supposed to work." When I no longer worried about who loved whom more, I was on solid ground.
I was in a relationship where I was loved more. I broke things off because I realized it wasn't fair to him. I didn't want to stay in a relationship with someone because I pitied him. It just seemed disrespectful and demeaning, and I didn't want to string him along as my Plan B when I knew he had unresolved feelings for me.
I've also been in the other end, where I would have happily been the Plan B for a good long while. I did try to stay friends with an ex who I had slept with. He had broken up with me. I tried my best to stay friends, but six months later, when he told me that he was dating again, it was as if someone stuck my heart in a meat grinder, threw the remains on the floor, then did a jig on it.
When I finally met my husband, I just remember thinking, "Holy $#@$, this is how a relationship is supposed to work." When I no longer worried about who loved whom more, I was on solid ground.
Yes it is a negative viewpoint, one that I have witnessed none the less. I know couples also where it is evident. In fact I worked with a couple lately, who admitted that the wife loved the husband more than he loved her, never the less he said he loved her. He did cheat on her but that's a whole other story
We "know" things on two levels: in our heads and in our hearts. For me, I "knew"--logically--that I deserved better. It took a looooong time for my heart to believe it. When it finally did, this kind of thing was no longer a question, or even an option.
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Yes you've hit the nail on the head.
Sparkle, that is so well said! It's very basic, but something so many of us lose sight of. Glen, I know it is tough, but later on, when you heart has caught up w/your head, you will be thankful if you make the right choices.
You don't want an entire lifetime of this hurt.
You don't want an entire lifetime of this hurt.
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Yes I get that. Even if we were he couldn't have a relationship for a long time.
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I met his cousin today, who he is living with. She says he is weening him down from alcohol. Said if I am in touch with him, could I report back to her what he is drinking, and how much! My instinct is straight away was that she is trying to control his drinking. Slippery slope. (Before anyone says it, I know that's focusing on them).
I am an alcoholic in recovery.
FWIW, weaning only takes a couple days.
"Weaning," is an alcoholic's excuse #42867547 to, "Keep drinking," if it's gone past three days.
If he was truly drinking two bottles of wine per day he could have easily quit (even weaning) in three days.
FWIW, weaning only takes a couple days.
"Weaning," is an alcoholic's excuse #42867547 to, "Keep drinking," if it's gone past three days.
If he was truly drinking two bottles of wine per day he could have easily quit (even weaning) in three days.
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