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Can you be friends with someone your in love with (especially if there an addict).



Can you be friends with someone your in love with (especially if there an addict).

Old 11-20-2018, 01:14 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Where do you get that from? That hasn't been my experience and not, in general, people I have known/do know.

That's such a negative viewpoint imo.
Yes it is a negative viewpoint, one that I have witnessed none the less. I know couples also where it is evident. In fact I worked with a couple lately, who admitted that the wife loved the husband more than he loved her, never the less he said he loved her. He did cheat on her but that's a whole other story
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Old 11-20-2018, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Yes I see what you mean. I'm wondering can one do both, love oneself or at least be in recovery and be back with someone who you love/have feelings for. Maybe I'm in denial again.
You can always love yourself.

This is my take on it.

First accept yourself, all the good all the not so good - physical and mental. You are who you are right now. Accept that.

Now we all have things we want to change, whether that's co-dependency or to stop biting our nails, lose 30 lbs or practice having more patience or being a better listener, whatever it is.

Just because you are not as you want to be, ideally, does not mean you need to dislike yourself or not love yourself. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 11-20-2018, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You can always love yourself.

This is my take on it.

First accept yourself, all the good all the not so good - physical and mental. You are who you are right now. Accept that.

Now we all have things we want to change, whether that's co-dependency or to stop biting our nails, lose 30 lbs or practice having more patience or being a better listener, whatever it is.

Just because you are not as you want to be, ideally, does not mean you need to dislike yourself or not love yourself. I hope that makes sense.
Yes that makes a lot of sense. Aspiring to be something, but not beating oneself up for not being there yet.
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Old 11-20-2018, 02:12 PM
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Glenjo-

I think this is less about the other person, and more about if you can trust yourself.

I have had relationships successfully transition to friendships but it took time and work.

With my ex that got me here it has not worked. When he asked me why I responded "Because it would hurt me too much."

I knew in that moment that I could not take care of myself well around him. Can you take care of yourself with this guy? Can you trust yourself to put your needs first, consistently with him....regardless of what he says and does when he is hurt?

I have learned that unless I can trust MYSELF to take care of me when I am with another person I can't be in that relationship.

For me this was not just about intimate relationships but I needed to change friendships and family relationships too (sometimes for short periods, sometimes for long periods).

So can you take care of you with this man?
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:01 PM
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All I can say is you have come a long way, be strong.
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Old 11-20-2018, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Yes it is a negative viewpoint, one that I have witnessed none the less. I know couples also where it is evident. In fact I worked with a couple lately, who admitted that the wife loved the husband more than he loved her, never the less he said he loved her. He did cheat on her but that's a whole other story
What's your 'dream scenario' with this guy, Glenjo?
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Old 11-20-2018, 10:09 PM
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Missed my edit timer..anyways..

Edit: I ask because I know exactly what 'position' I'd have taken when my exAgf offered "friendship".. Do I want to have dinner with her(his in your case) cheating/drunk(ing)/shady ass? F NO!...that ain't me! I'd more than likely end getting involved in some nonsense that's non of my concern..There's nothing there with her and I any longer,minus the selfish ******** she thought was going to still happen ..That crap's no longer my problem. simple/solved! The sooner you let go and accept,the sooner you move on and stop living on 'false hope' of whatever fake fairytail you envisioned happening. Not gonna happen,bud.
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Old 11-21-2018, 04:38 AM
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Looks like a train wreck down the tracks which could hurt you badly again.

I think the quote from above about making him a priority when you're a [convenient] option is applicable.

I think you are worth far more.

Of course I wish you the best, and would happily be proved incorrect, but not betting on it.
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Old 11-21-2018, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
What's your 'dream scenario' with this guy, Glenjo?
Well I know I'm not going to get my dream scenario. The penny has dropped that his addiction will always come first. I'm thinking if I continue working on me and my side of street and see him occassionally as friends that could be ok. Not really sure.
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Old 11-21-2018, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Looks like a train wreck down the tracks which could hurt you badly again.

I think the quote from above about making him a priority when you're a [convenient] option is applicable.

I think you are worth far more.

Of course I wish you the best, and would happily be proved incorrect, but not betting on it.
Thanks, it's the person himself that I go weak for. I know, I have done so much work on myself to know I deserve better but I've never been like this with anyone in my life. That said I'm being guarded right now not sure what I will do or not do.
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Old 11-21-2018, 04:51 AM
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Can you still be friends if he decides to date someone else? Or would that be too painful to witness?

I think a lot of relationships have one person who loves the other more.
I was in a relationship where I was loved more. I broke things off because I realized it wasn't fair to him. I didn't want to stay in a relationship with someone because I pitied him. It just seemed disrespectful and demeaning, and I didn't want to string him along as my Plan B when I knew he had unresolved feelings for me.

I've also been in the other end, where I would have happily been the Plan B for a good long while. I did try to stay friends with an ex who I had slept with. He had broken up with me. I tried my best to stay friends, but six months later, when he told me that he was dating again, it was as if someone stuck my heart in a meat grinder, threw the remains on the floor, then did a jig on it.

When I finally met my husband, I just remember thinking, "Holy $#@$, this is how a relationship is supposed to work." When I no longer worried about who loved whom more, I was on solid ground.
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Old 11-21-2018, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Can you still be friends if he decides to date someone else? Or would that be too painful to witness?



I was in a relationship where I was loved more. I broke things off because I realized it wasn't fair to him. I didn't want to stay in a relationship with someone because I pitied him. It just seemed disrespectful and demeaning, and I didn't want to string him along as my Plan B when I knew he had unresolved feelings for me.

I've also been in the other end, where I would have happily been the Plan B for a good long while. I did try to stay friends with an ex who I had slept with. He had broken up with me. I tried my best to stay friends, but six months later, when he told me that he was dating again, it was as if someone stuck my heart in a meat grinder, threw the remains on the floor, then did a jig on it.

When I finally met my husband, I just remember thinking, "Holy $#@$, this is how a relationship is supposed to work." When I no longer worried about who loved whom more, I was on solid ground.
Wow that sounds lovely to be on solid ground. Your story backs up my notion that some relationships have one person loving the other more. As for the dating thing, I would find that very hard.
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Old 11-21-2018, 06:37 AM
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Yes it is a negative viewpoint, one that I have witnessed none the less. I know couples also where it is evident. In fact I worked with a couple lately, who admitted that the wife loved the husband more than he loved her, never the less he said he loved her. He did cheat on her but that's a whole other story
Here’s the thing Glenjo99, you and he are not a couple. And I personally think the longer you hold onto that notion and continue to put him into that kind of category with you, you are never going to get beyond this and reach healthy ground.
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Old 11-21-2018, 06:46 AM
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We "know" things on two levels: in our heads and in our hearts. For me, I "knew"--logically--that I deserved better. It took a looooong time for my heart to believe it. When it finally did, this kind of thing was no longer a question, or even an option.
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Old 11-21-2018, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
We "know" things on two levels: in our heads and in our hearts. For me, I "knew"--logically--that I deserved better. It took a looooong time for my heart to believe it. When it finally did, this kind of thing was no longer a question, or even an option.
Yes you've hit the nail on the head.
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Old 11-21-2018, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Yes you've hit the nail on the head.
In my case, I had to fake it til I made it. Maintaining no contact with my "drug of choice" (a.k.a., ex boyfriend) was painful, but ultimately the best thing I could have done while I waited for my heart to catch up with my head.
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Old 11-21-2018, 08:17 AM
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Sparkle, that is so well said! It's very basic, but something so many of us lose sight of. Glen, I know it is tough, but later on, when you heart has caught up w/your head, you will be thankful if you make the right choices.

You don't want an entire lifetime of this hurt.
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Old 11-21-2018, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Here’s the thing Glenjo99, you and he are not a couple. And I personally think the longer you hold onto that notion and continue to put him into that kind of category with you, you are never going to get beyond this and reach healthy ground.
Yes I get that. Even if we were he couldn't have a relationship for a long time.
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Old 11-21-2018, 09:31 AM
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I met his cousin today, who he is living with. She says he is weening him down from alcohol. Said if I am in touch with him, could I report back to her what he is drinking, and how much! My instinct is straight away was that she is trying to control his drinking. Slippery slope. (Before anyone says it, I know that's focusing on them).
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Old 11-21-2018, 09:38 AM
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I am an alcoholic in recovery.

FWIW, weaning only takes a couple days.

"Weaning," is an alcoholic's excuse #42867547 to, "Keep drinking," if it's gone past three days.

If he was truly drinking two bottles of wine per day he could have easily quit (even weaning) in three days.
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