believethefirst

UPDATE: Went away on my break and it was great to have a change of scenery. I talked to my brother about the situation, and he was very supportive of ending it. After I told him about our last couple interactions, he said, "that sounds like a resignation letter," and I think that's spot on. I received just one text from my (ex?) BF on Thanksgiving. Nothing further. Even though I was traveling during winter storms with cancelled flights, etc. He is making absolutely no effort to stay in touch, which is not surprising to me. I think now that I have questioned his addiction to alcohol and told him how I feel about it, he is just distancing himself from me because I have become yet another person who will not collude with him in his denial of the problem.

Thank you again for this forum. It's been very helpful.

sauerkraut

Hi believe,
You sound a little like I was in needing validation in order to leave my XAH.

For me, the final straw was after the third time I gave him "one more chance" to stop drinking.

We were in couples' therapy then, as I was trying to get him to reconcile himself to the divorce, and he was hoping to keep me in the marriage.

The day after I came home from my book club to find him stumbling drunk, we had a therapy session.

The therapist asked how I was doing.

I said "not well. XAH was drunk last night, and my mom just had a stroke. I don't want to be here--I want to be with my mom."

Therapist said, "you're right. You said you were leaving if XAH drank again. He drank. You should go."

I left.

My point is that sometimes ultimatums make sense, because it's a matter of a person standing up for herself and saying if you do this, I'm out. It's clear. There are consequences. You can move on without remorse.

believethefirst

Thank you, Sauerkraut. I am feeling much clearer now about everything and those feelings of sadness and conflict are dissipating. I think the most painful part for me was 1) recognizing the depths of his disease 2) making a decision about what to do. Now that I have done those things, I feel lighter. It's sad, of course, and there is a sense of loss over what I thought I had. But what I thought I had did not really exist and it just took me some time to see that. Now I can release both of us from this fruitless exercise. I wish him luck and I hope, someday, he seeks recovery before it's too late.

believethefirst

After my return from Thanksgiving, we talked again. I told him how I feel about the relationship and specifically said that I feel "unloved, undesired, and deprioritized." His response was to tell me that he "does not feel love" for me or for his kids or sister. (The other people in the world he supposedly loves.) He said he doesn't think he is capable of feeling love. I used to interpret this as his "woe is me" depressive self looking for encouragement and support, but now I am accepting it as the truth of who he is.

I said goodbye and did not reach out again. Several days later he texted me and the conversation went like this:

ex-BF: Radio silence is a real bummer. Call if you want to talk.

BTF: It is. When we talked the other day you told me that you don't have any love for me. So I'm not going to stay where I'm not wanted.

ex-BF: Do you believe that? I'm sorry that I have ultimately saddened you. You have been very very good to me and I hope you think I've been good to you, too.

BTF: Yes, you have been good to me. But you don't love me. It's ok. I accept it.

ex-BF: I wish I felt different. But I am not built for what you really want , need and deserve. I'm not sure I am able to be a loving person. I don't feel it and I obviously can't fake it.

BTF: No, you can't. Nor should you. I'm not angry at you. But you're right. I showed you a lot of love and I deserve to have love shown to me in return. I think your alcoholism plays a big role in this problem. I hope, with all my heart, that someday you will get help for that. I believe there is a loving person inside you, but right now your primarly relationship is with alcohol. It's your priority.

Then I heard nothing further. A couple days later I got a text from the wife of one of his drinking buddies. She told me that x-BF told them we had broken up. She expressed sadness over that and hoped we could keep in touch. I said nothing about alcohol. I wished her well also...then she sent this:

"You and I have had a lot of good talks. I am truly so personally bummed about you and x-BF. I have had lots of talks with (my husband) over the last 6 months about his relationship with x-BF and (other drinking buddy) and the hard-drinking lifestyle. They are all headed down that road. (Her husband) has lost 15 lbs since summer and is making progress but it's hard sometimes to see them get after the alcohol. Nothing wrong with a party, but when it's a lifestyle that's a different matter. I worry especially when I'm not around. Hard truths I have shared with him going into 2019."

So that helped me feel vindicated and that I made the right choice.

trailmix

That's not easy btf and I'm sorry it ended this way, or at all, but as you said above, this is probably the truth.

His "love" is for alcohol above all else.

I hope you are doing ok.

believethefirst

Thanks, Trail. It was hard to read him clearly state that he does not love me. Part of me took it personally....thinking he might love someone else, just not me. But I don't really believe that. The same thing happened in his marriage. He can't let anyone get close to him for so many reasons, not least of which is what they will really see about him and his drinking. Intimacy with anyone is a threat to his addiction. I see that now. So sad. I feel like someday I will hear that he is in the hospital or jail because of this.

In the end, I feel proud of myself. I am proud of how I showed up in this relationship. I was loving, kind, thoughtful, patient, supportive, and ultimately told the truth and took care of myself. I was a great girlfriend to him.

suki44883

You have every right to feel proud. You did what someone in a relationship should do. Unfortunately, you were involved with someone who was dishonest from the beginning. Take care of yourself.

Cyranoak

you bought a lemon. leave it.