Brandy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Brandy
So l got home to a lovely meal tonight, AH is a really good mood (totally different from last nights silence/sulkiness).
Halfway through dinner he says 'well..just to be open and honest with you..I've bought a bottle of brandy and its in the cupboard' l just carried on eating with no reaction. This is a huge step forward for me as a few weeks ago l would have immediately felt sick and tense but tonight l continued to enjoy my food.
Later, l was popping out to a friends house and just as l was leaving he stood up and said ' i think lm going to have a...' before he could finish the sentence l closed the door behind me and left him to it. He was simply waiting to be alone and l gave him his solitude.
Strangely tonight l feel ok. And lm sure by now he will be feeling ok too. Going back home soon...and straight to bed.
Halfway through dinner he says 'well..just to be open and honest with you..I've bought a bottle of brandy and its in the cupboard' l just carried on eating with no reaction. This is a huge step forward for me as a few weeks ago l would have immediately felt sick and tense but tonight l continued to enjoy my food.
Later, l was popping out to a friends house and just as l was leaving he stood up and said ' i think lm going to have a...' before he could finish the sentence l closed the door behind me and left him to it. He was simply waiting to be alone and l gave him his solitude.
Strangely tonight l feel ok. And lm sure by now he will be feeling ok too. Going back home soon...and straight to bed.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
It almost sounds like he mentions alcohol to get a rise out of you. It has always worked in the past. It sounds like he enjoys needling you. That is cruel.
Good on you for not reacting. When they stop getting a reaction, they usually stop the needling.
Good on you for not reacting. When they stop getting a reaction, they usually stop the needling.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Wow, openness and honesty is just so awesome, right? /sarcasm/
It sounds like you handled things really well. He told you he was going to drink, you went on with your life anyway and left the responsibility for his drinking in his hands, where it belongs.
It sounds like you handled things really well. He told you he was going to drink, you went on with your life anyway and left the responsibility for his drinking in his hands, where it belongs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by suki44883 
It almost sounds like he mentions alcohol to get a rise out of you. It has always worked in the past. It sounds like he enjoys needling you. That is cruel.
Good on you for not reacting. When they stop getting a reaction, they usually stop the needling.
Good on you for not reacting. When they stop getting a reaction, they usually stop the needling.
lm proud of myself for keeping my calm.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Wow, openness and honesty is just so awesome, right? /sarcasm/
It sounds like you handled things really well. He told you he was going to drink, you went on with your life anyway and left the responsibility for his drinking in his hands, where it belongs.
It sounds like you handled things really well. He told you he was going to drink, you went on with your life anyway and left the responsibility for his drinking in his hands, where it belongs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
I am not so naive now that l believe he is only drinking openly and honestly. I also know why his mood shifted from closed down barely speaking last night to jolly, upbeat and 'normal' tonight.
Its a nice big bottle...
l don't know why i feel so calm about it tonight? Is there a turning point? Or am l just letting go of any hope of the life l wanted with him.
He maybe thinks l didnt react because lm scared of more arguing especially after a week or so ago when we had world war three when l told him the reasons why l had refused to buy him brandy from the supermarket earlier that day.
l feel l didn't react tonight because l simply couldn't be bothered and because Im exhausted with the whole sorry situation.
When l got back from my friends, he was in bed. He had left his empty glass on display on the table, just look at how open and honest he is being...
Its a nice big bottle...
l don't know why i feel so calm about it tonight? Is there a turning point? Or am l just letting go of any hope of the life l wanted with him.
He maybe thinks l didnt react because lm scared of more arguing especially after a week or so ago when we had world war three when l told him the reasons why l had refused to buy him brandy from the supermarket earlier that day.
l feel l didn't react tonight because l simply couldn't be bothered and because Im exhausted with the whole sorry situation.
When l got back from my friends, he was in bed. He had left his empty glass on display on the table, just look at how open and honest he is being...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Well, I'm sure you've read a lot about detaching here and there is that method, it kind of forces the separation from the addiction of the other person - and to some degree the person/relationship as well.
I think what you are experiencing is a natural detachment.
If someone is hurting you and you aren't detaching from that, mentally if not physically, that is a problem. Of course there is the flipside, detachment can rarely be laser focused, you also end up detaching from the other person and the relationship with them (to what degree is an individual thing of course).
I think what you are experiencing is a natural detachment.
If someone is hurting you and you aren't detaching from that, mentally if not physically, that is a problem. Of course there is the flipside, detachment can rarely be laser focused, you also end up detaching from the other person and the relationship with them (to what degree is an individual thing of course).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
awal….I am proud of you being so calm....that is a giant improvement over a few weeks ago! I don't think he was trying to hurt you, either.....I think it is probably in response to the fact that you made a big deal out of him being "open and honest" about his drinking....that it is not the drinking that bothers you...it is the hiding it....
I think it is good that you are investing time in your own friends and activities, rather than hanging around a depressive grumpy pants....
I think it is good that you are investing time in your own friends and activities, rather than hanging around a depressive grumpy pants....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by dandylion
awal….I am proud of you being so calm....that is a giant improvement over a few weeks ago! I don't think he was trying to hurt you, either.....I think it is probably in response to the fact that you made a big deal out of him being "open and honest" about his drinking....that it is not the drinking that bothers you...it is the hiding it....
I think it is good that you are investing time in your own friends and activities, rather than hanging around a depressive grumpy pants....
I think it is good that you are investing time in your own friends and activities, rather than hanging around a depressive grumpy pants....
I don't doubt he's still hiding it 😉 this is simply his way of having an 'above board' safety net. And guess what, l am not even going to check the level of Brandy left in the bottle. What's the point? He wanted me to be someone who doesn't try to control him, so l grant him his wish. He can be happy now.
But l will never bring that stuff into the home, he can control that too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Well done on detaching. Your AH will do what he will do. Is same in my home.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Well done on detaching. Your AH will do what he will do. Is same in my home.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Awal, you've come a long way in a short time. I'm a little envious of you!!! I joined this site a year ago and I still struggle with wanting to try to change/control/"help". I'm smiling as I type this because I am just so happy for you....you handled it perfectly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
Awal, you've come a long way in a short time. I'm a little envious of you!!! I joined this site a year ago and I still struggle with wanting to try to change/control/"help". I'm smiling as I type this because I am just so happy for you....you handled it perfectly.
It actually felt good NOT to react. It felt like l was protecting myself (and my dog) from another round of upheaval. I hope l can cling to this strength long term because l know l'm going to need it... as we all do. I smiled last night too as l closed the door on my way out ☺
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Awal, practice, practice, practice. I agree with Dandy that he was telling you because he has taken on board your words about the lying bothering you, rather than the drinking. Of course it's both, but this has got to be better than transparent lying.
Apart from the drinking, he sounds like a nice guy.
Apart from the drinking, he sounds like a nice guy.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
how
[But he just ups the ante when I ignore the provocation; drags the kids into it so I will have to step in on their behalf.
QUOTE=PeacefulWater12;7056250]Well done on detaching. Your AH will do what he will do. Is same in my home.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=PeacefulWater12;7056250]Well done on detaching. Your AH will do what he will do. Is same in my home.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
[But he just ups the ante when I ignore the provocation; drags the kids into it so I will have to step in on their behalf.
I'm not sure how old your kids are Lunchbox? If they are not adults all you can do is exit the location, whether that means all going in to another room or exiting the house completely.
If they are adults all you can do is exit the room.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Awal, practice, practice, practice. I agree with Dandy that he was telling you because he has taken on board your words about the lying bothering you, rather than the drinking. Of course it's both, but this has got to be better than transparent lying.
Apart from the drinking, he sounds like a nice guy.
Apart from the drinking, he sounds like a nice guy.
lt is, after all, his life his choice his health his responsibility.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
[But he just ups the ante when I ignore the provocation; drags the kids into it so I will have to step in on their behalf.
QUOTE=PeacefulWater12;7056250]Well done on detaching. Your AH will do what he will do. Is same in my home.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.
QUOTE=PeacefulWater12;7056250]Well done on detaching. Your AH will do what he will do. Is same in my home.
I detach and take care of myself.
My AH will often try and "bait" me to get a reaction. I give none. I move away.
It felt to me that my reaction would help him feel entitled or less guilty about the drunk he was about to go on. Shift the blame onto my shoulders.
My shoulders are not for others to dump on.
I found detaching got easier and easier with practise, like all new skills.
When you say he ups the anti...what does he do? X
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
