Clover71

Awal

Yes! Absolutely a relief. I don't know if this will last but l actually don't care at the moment.

trailmix

Good!

At least you have been given a glimpse of detaching if nothing else. You can be the drink police and you know how that feels or you can take care of your side of the street and you know how that feels.

You do get to choose (although yes, it can take work).

I'm glad to see you are feeling better Awal.

DriGuy

Great post. I feel uplifted and empowered just by reading it. Way t'go!

NYCDoglvr

Bravo for you, it shows a lot of hard work on your part.

Awal

He normally drinks after l've gone to bed. So tonight, instead of going to bed around 10-10.30, l stayed up as l was interested in a tv programme. ☺ He must have been cursing me. It got to 11.10pm and he announced he was off to bed. Lets remember this is the guy who has stayed up until after midnight.

He must have felt so p*ssed off but of course couldnt show it...brandy in the kitchen cupboard but he will not drink openly in front of me for some reason.

The maybe's are as follows;
1. He has a secret supply in his room (l haven't searched for a while)
2. He has an emergency miniature stashed up his ass (a bit of humour folks &#128514
3. He has gone to bed without a drink tonight (in which case he will be in a *mood tomorrow)

* If he is in a mood he will do his damndest to provoke an argument...BUT l will do MY damndest not to react or rise to it.

I wish l liked brandy..l would go have one for him lol.
#knowledgeispower

Lunchbox1

Awal

[/QUOTE]
Thankfully we don't have children around, but l can totally understand why you have to intervene when he starts on them. It must be 100 times worse to see him hurting them...we as adults can learn resilience but children shouldnt have to. X

trailmix

Stepping in can mean leaving the room though. Engaging in an argument with someone who is drunk is a waste of time. You probably already know that.

Aside from being a waste of your time having children around those kinds of confrontations and arguing is really detrimental to them. They learn so many negatives. That "communication" involves raising your voice and not just that they can/should but that others can talk to them like that and that's ok.

Then they grow up and end up with someone like your Husband, who likes to pick a fight and they defend themselves and this is normal to them - and on it goes.

Are you making a plan to leave Lunchbox or do you attend Al-Anon or counselling to get help with dealing with this at all? There are tools you can use to diffuse things or at the very least, to separate yourself physically.

Lunchbox1

trailmix

Hey Lunchbox, I didn't mean to have you feel guilty(er). There is no point in feeling guilty really, the truth is living with an alcoholic is detrimental to all, you already know this. In particular children.

I said what I said because I grew up in that type of household. My Father was an alcoholic that never sought recovery, my parents did divorce when I was a teenager. I learned to defend myself, not that I ever confronted my Father, as a child, but I learned about arguing and about how to communicate that way. I learned, to have a defense around me at all times. In some ways that has served me well, in others, not so much.

I then went on a few years later to get married to - someone who was abusive and I didn't think that was odd at all (at the time, eventually I divorced him). I don't blame anyone for this, it happened, it's over, but the fact that I didn't go running for the hills - well, although I was very young, not finding it incredibly odd is - well you get the idea.

There are things/safeguards that can be built in to a child care order that would require him to be sober during visitation (like soberlink for instance), so if you are pondering a separation it would be a great idea to visit a lawyer perhaps. Perhaps a good idea anyway as at least you would know where you stand and what your options are?

You are not powerless, there is help and support for you (including us), do you have a plan?

If nothing else you need a plan to keep yourself and your kiddies safe. You are not his emotional punching bag and neither are they. You may not be prepared to walk out but you can certainly be prepared to walk out temporarily or exit to a room and lock the door. You don't have to listen to anyone berate you ever. You are worthy of respect and kindness.

hopeful4

Hi Lunchbox. I am so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand your plight. It's absolutely the most frustrating thing to feel like you are put between a rock and a hard place when you want to leave, but feel you have to stay to protect your children.

I can only say that at the very least, go speak to an attorney who is familiar with the family courts in your area and see what they recommend.

Big hugs! No spreading guilt here!