Pearljam93

Hello all! Please refer the my previous post if you don't understand the situation. Even though me and my parents blocked him. He is using other numbers to contact me and my mother. He goes from being really loving and caring to really hateful and mean again. He is blaming the fact he wants to kill himself on me. He is blaming EVERYTHING on me. I addressed him diplomatically and told him to move on and live his best life without me, because I deserve better. I said I wish no harm on him despite the fact that I have a lot anger. All I want is for him to move on and forget about me.

he is openly flirting and messing around with women he won't admit to. He just keeps saying "oh I'm sorry I'm friendly to other people. You're so jealous and crazy, get a grip and go in a looney bin because I talk to females." I told him it made me sick that he was flirting and even messed around with a girl or girls for all I know, and he even said he had a new gf. He overlooked it and said I was a "monster". "How could you ever do this to me? I want to die because of you! I never been this depressed and angry in my life. You're a manipulator and a control freak because I wanted to live my life." I said "you put yourself in this position by being abusive and unreasonable with me. I couldn't handle it anymore and how the way your sister talked to me was horrible! Yet you're sticking up for her. You're openly bashing me and sleeping with other women. I have a lot of anger and repulsion. I didnt want to put up with your abuse anymore. I'm not a manipulator or a control freak. leave me alone and get help, live your life doing you. Just have respect and understand everything I did to help you, and how much I catered to you. You betrayed me and it's unforgivable what you did and what you're doing. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF, ACCEPT IT!"

He just keeps going on and on. One minute he is saying through a different number to my mother "No matter what she will always be the one I love. I'm going to get clean and hopefully she'll talk to me in the future and we can be together again." Then it turns to "your daughter is a cold heartless bitch and she doesn't care that I literally want to kill myself all because of her. I never felt so worthless and it's all because of her, I'll do everyone a favor and kill myself since she wants me dead." I never once said that. He doesn't see how his abusive behavior and just being a bad boyfriend brought him to this position. He doesn't see how he betrayed me and it's fueling my hatred even more. He doesn't see how disrespectful his sister was to me. He doesn't see how he is wrong and is not taking ownership. He is basically blaming me for his addiction problem (he had it way before he met me) and he's blaming me why he wants to kill himself because I want no parts of him. I wish him well, but I deserve happiness and true love and I know it's not with an emotional abuser that used me, lied, cheated, and manipulated me. And can't seem to fight his addiction, no matter how I hard I try to help him. How do I make him see? It is getting me more angrier that he is justifying his actions and turning everything around.

SparkleKitty

suki44883

Why are you still talking to him? You are sending him mixed signals. If you are serious about moving on, then move on! Stop talking to him. If he manages to get a call through, hang up as soon as you realize it is him. Stop trying to convince him of anything, just refuse any contact what so ever.

dandylion

Pearljam.….yes, you are giving him mixed messages by even talking to him. As long as you do that, he is encouraged that he still has a chance.
If you really want him to move on....you can't just talk the talk----You have to also, walk the walk!

Here is the reality---when you are with someone who is living in their addiction....when you get the nice and sweet, you are always going to get the mean and nasty along with it. The two come together...it is a package deal...lol...

Don't you deserve better than that...? Aren't you entitled to more.....

LLLisa

You don't and you can't. His behavior is also very, very abusive.

trailmix

Making "him see" is about you, not about him.

Does he seem rational to you? Stable? Level headed? Introspective? Accepting of ideas and perspectives of others?

As everyone has said, basically, you can't change him. He's never going to see your point of view so you are wasting your time. Perhaps you are hoping for some kind of reconciliation? If so, you will have to accept him just as he is, abusive, but I'm not sure why you would want to do that? You deserve kindness and respect, you won't get that from him.

I agree that as soon as you hear his voice you should hang up.

Pearljam93

I'm so sorry. Like I said, my time is very limited, so I'm sorry I am responding to all at one time. I hear all of you. I am moving on but I think I'm chasing something decent to come out of him. I'm so enraged that I have to be at work at 6am and I'm up still. It's 1am. That's how much anger and rage I have. I really DONT want to reconcile. I want an apology and a thorough understanding of how he treated me bad. It would bring me closure and clarity in some odd way, but no I do not see a future with him. I know I deserve better and I don't need him. All I need is myself and I'd rather be alone than deal with him.

as far as me "talking" to him. He texted me from a different number, and it flared up my emotions when he started his crap. So, I responded instead of keeping myself in check and saying to myself "he isn't worth it." I instantly felt like I had to "fight" and to"defend myself", when i really know the truth and don't need to. I'm just highly emotional right now and I'm not thinking logically. He was texting my mother from different numbers and she just blocked them and didn't respond but she is in a different position than me. She's not highly emotional by this. Yes, she's upset for me, but she does not care about him at all, so her main focus is trying to help me, but I need to learn that we can't always get decency out of people, and closure. That's what I am aiming for, but I seriously don't want him back by any means. He's actually the one holding out and saying once he gets himself right we'll hopefully be together. But it will never happen. Which is why I told him to move on and find someone else. I am spent of this toxic relationship. I just wish I didn't care, and didn't have so much rage and anger. Thank you everyone. Love to you all. <3

Awal

He is extremely disturbed. You are just his whipping boy, someone to vent his anger at. Inside himself he must dislike himself very very much.
You cannot continue to absorb this negativity. And can l just say, if he were to carry out his threat of suicide...it would be 100% HIS choice.

FeelingGreat

PJ, you will never get what you want out of him; you just don't with people like that because they are wrapped up in their own drama and really don't care about others.
He's pressing your buttons, playing you, and enjoying it by the sound of it.

Firstly, ask your mother not to pass on anything he tells her because that's his intention of contacting her. I'm certain she'll understand.

Keep on blocking, don't respond, ever. Learn to look a him with an objective eye. What will be his next tactic? After he finishes abusing you, you can guarantee he go on to loving words, begging and more manipulation. Then when you don't respond, abuse again. He's no unique little precious, he's just your classic abuser.

OpheliaKatz

If it's hard to block him because he texts from unknown numbers, maybe you might have to get a new phone number...? It might help you to feel safer.

biminiblue

I had the police call my abuser and tell him to stop contacting me.

That actually worked. They told him if he contacted me he could be charged with stalking.

velma929

You are hoping for an apology and understanding from an addict. Hope, in this case will be disappointment deferred.

I don't have the option of blocking on my phone. Because I get so much spam on my phone, I no longer answer numbers I don't recognize. You have that option.

Being angry because he's flirting doesn't coincide with moving on. One can do one or the other, but it doesn't make sense to claim both.

hopeful4

You are going to have to do two things, and until you do it won't stop.

1. Stop responding. No matter how mad, no matter what you think. Eventually it will stop, but not if you continue to engage.

2. Accept that you won't get the closure you want. You are not going to receive that, very few people do. You won't receive a why. You must get to a point of accepting that and accepting it does not matter "why." Only behaviors matter.

You can do this.

trailmix

You may mean this but really it's just something people say when mounting a defense, guaranteed to incite anger on his part.

Never mind him, look what it's doing to you.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

He is just going to keep hitting your phone to see if he still has a chance with you. As long as you keep responding he will think he has. I'm sure this isn't the first argument you two have had. It might not be ideal communication but you still have a "relationship" with him, however dysfunctional.

theuncertainty

Hi, Pearljam93. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. It can be really difficult to let the expectation or hope for closure from someone like your AXBF go. I understand that. The thing is, he's not rational. He's not going to acknowledge that he has even the tiniest, remotest part to play in the demise of the relationship, so hoping he can provide closure will only cause more hurt and confusion for you. It's not easy to let it go. I still find myself occasionally wondering if AXH will ever get it and apologize for what he put DS and I through, but it has gotten much easier to see that my hope for closure from him wasn't based on any real indication that he was capable of it.

On the phone side, my sister and I have a rule at our houses that phones are never answered when the family is at the dinner table. No work calls, no friend calls. No calls. My mom has a REALLY hard time with that rule (even though it was her rule when we were teens). Both my sister and I (and our sons) have pointed out that just because the phone rings doesn't mean it has to be answered.

I still had a hard time not answering calls from AXH because I thought he might really need to tell me something, my sister pointed out that *this* was just the last hook that AXH had in our relationship. He wouldn't stop because I kept responding. Hanging up as soon as I heard his voice was a more than acceptable response after he'd been told (a million times) that the only contact was to be via e-mail and only about DS (and this was outlined in court paperwork). PJ93, I think my sister's statement about one last hook would apply in your case as well.

Hang in there.

BlownOne

Expectations create resentments. Quit expecting sane, reasonable behavior from people who aren't capable of it. Take the advice of the other posters on here. You aren't ever going to get what you want out of him. Once you accept that, you can move on.

NYCDoglvr

You can block any number on your phone. Are you doing that?

atalose

dawnrising

THIS ^ - You're not going to get what you need from him, you need to give it to yourself. You need to give yourself closure, distance, space, love, peace. You master this skill and it will serve you for a lifetime. Commit to one day, then one week, then one month of no contact and self love. Your life will change.