He rang me tonight. Not good at all!
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I know as a Codependent this is probably not any of my business but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Apparently he has decided while living with his cousin, that he will have 2 bottles of wine per day, to help prevent withdrawals and seizures. He has no money so she is putting him up and will be buying this every day for him. She is a big drinker also but goes to work during day. So silly question but is she also codependent/enabling?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
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Not your circus, not your monkeys anymore Glenjo
Of course drinking daily is not sobriety, or anything close, and it does look enabling
as he has a roof over his head, booze provided, and no need to work or take care of himself.
The "withdrawal" defense is simply another rationalization to kick the can down the road to doing something about his problem by taking real action.
I strongly suggest you listen to what all of us are saying and stop the contact now.
You are already getting drawn back into his issues.
Do you see this?
Put the focus back on you where it belongs--even having conversations with him is arguably a form of enabling to you both due to your unhealthy dynamic.
Of course drinking daily is not sobriety, or anything close, and it does look enabling
as he has a roof over his head, booze provided, and no need to work or take care of himself.
The "withdrawal" defense is simply another rationalization to kick the can down the road to doing something about his problem by taking real action.
I strongly suggest you listen to what all of us are saying and stop the contact now.
You are already getting drawn back into his issues.
Do you see this?
Put the focus back on you where it belongs--even having conversations with him is arguably a form of enabling to you both due to your unhealthy dynamic.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
I know as a Codependent this is probably not any of my business but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Apparently he has decided while living with his cousin, that he will have 2 bottles of wine per day, to help prevent withdrawals and seizures. He has no money so she is putting him up and will be buying this every day for him. She is a big drinker also but goes to work during day. So silly question but is she also codependent/enabling?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
I think if she's buying him the alcohol (sounds like he's bargaining with himself/ telling himself he's going to "control" his drinking by limiting it to a certain amount) and allowing him to stay there, she's enabling his alcoholism and behavior. And if she's a big drinker also, lord only know what's really going to be going on in that house :/.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Apparently he has decided while living with his cousin, that he will have 2 bottles of wine per day, to help prevent withdrawals and seizures. He has no money so she is putting him up and will be buying this every day for him. She is a big drinker also but goes to work during day. So silly question but is she also codependent/enabling?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
These people are dysfunctional. They are not your relatives or friends or co-workers, and yet you are so very deeply fixated on their dysfunction to the exclusion of all that is good in your life.
Why?
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
Look at how you are choosing to spend your time and investigative mental energy here.
These people are dysfunctional. They are not your relatives or friends or co-workers, and yet you are so very deeply fixated on their dysfunction to the exclusion of all that is good in your life.
Why?
These people are dysfunctional. They are not your relatives or friends or co-workers, and yet you are so very deeply fixated on their dysfunction to the exclusion of all that is good in your life.
Why?
Ok fair point. It's because this is what I used to do previously so old habits die hard, however at least I'm in here trying to work it out. Off to yoga later.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I see what you're trying to discern but I don't see what relevance any of it has to your emotional health and wellbeing--other than to keep you hoooked in to an unhealthy situation.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Not your circus, not your monkeys anymore Glenjo
Of course drinking daily is not sobriety, or anything close, and it does look enabling
as he has a roof over his head, booze provided, and no need to work or take care of himself.
The "withdrawal" defense is simply another rationalization to kick the can down the road to doing something about his problem by taking real action.
I strongly suggest you listen to what all of us are saying and stop the contact now.
You are already getting drawn back into his issues.
Do you see this?
Put the focus back on you where it belongs--even having conversations with him is arguably a form of enabling to you both due to your unhealthy dynamic.
Of course drinking daily is not sobriety, or anything close, and it does look enabling
as he has a roof over his head, booze provided, and no need to work or take care of himself.
The "withdrawal" defense is simply another rationalization to kick the can down the road to doing something about his problem by taking real action.
I strongly suggest you listen to what all of us are saying and stop the contact now.
You are already getting drawn back into his issues.
Do you see this?
Put the focus back on you where it belongs--even having conversations with him is arguably a form of enabling to you both due to your unhealthy dynamic.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I know as a Codependent this is probably not any of my business but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Apparently he has decided while living with his cousin, that he will have 2 bottles of wine per day, to help prevent withdrawals and seizures. He has no money so she is putting him up and will be buying this every day for him. She is a big drinker also but goes to work during day. So silly question but is she also codependent/enabling?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
He is an adult and can do what he wants, so maybe she's not codependent if she's allowing him to drink......not watching his every move etc. Do you see what I'm trying to discern.....?
It is however a plan to keep drinking - and for free! She actually sounds great, does she have room for one more at her place?? Is she codependent, no way to know unless you know her, but does it matter at all?
Absolutely it's enabling, 100 percent, no question.
He will be sitting around drunk-ish (two bottles won't really cut it btw). Ideally he can reel you in to buy more and maybe provide a few other things, some lunch, some entertainment? If nothing else someone to complain to and show him compassion.
Eventually he will get bored, sooner rather than later. Right now he has shored up the bare necessities, a place to drink for free, but that's not going to cut it in about a week, once he is out of panic mode. So he will probably start going out, maybe someone will buy him a drink.
In other words, this isn't going anyplace good (for you).
Yes, old habits die hard and yes I totally get you talking to him and probably wanting to see him, I know you are struggling.
As for compassion? There is compassion and there is throwing yourself under the bus. In this case it's not a matter of bringing him chicken soup every day. In this case it is re-engaging your emotions with an alcoholic.
If you decide to do this you can, of course, but be realistic about where you are going. You have to accept him just as he is. Volatile, untrustworthy, drunk.
He left you high and dry. While this is not a competition in the compassion stakes, you do have to protect yourself. That is not easy, are you at the point where you can do that?
You've done a lot of work on yourself but detaching from someone sitting in front of you is not easy, did I mention it's not easy?
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Ok fair point. It's because this is what I used to do previously so old habits die hard, however at least I'm in here trying to work it out. Off to yoga later.
Like you say, you are here trying to work it out and that's a good thing. As you know, most people stay spinning around in their addictions / codependency, and never make progress. In fact they just cycle deeper into their dysfunctions and addictions.
I think what peple are telling you is to be wary of relapsing. Just like even one little drink will set a recovering alcoholic down a dark path, speculating about this guy will bring you right back down into your addiction. And you will have wasted a lot of precious time and energy.
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Facts don’t care about your feeling Glenjo99 and this guy doesn’t care about your feelings. This guy is not your cure to ease those feelings, a friendship with him is certainly not your cure, he is the cause of your the anxiety, the sadness, the stress, etc.
He is an addict who is NOT in recovery, he isn’t looking for a friend he’s looking for a “resource” (fact). And should you cave into this classic addict behavior (fact) you will be right back to square one only this time it will hit you much harder (fact).
He doesn’t NEED you or your help in getting clean and sober, his actions (facts) show you that he has no interest in doing that. He has created a living environment with his cousin where his addiction can thrive(fact) and now he’s attempting to suck you into it as well.(fact).
Take control of your life and your feelings get both out of the hands of an active addict and block him from the ability to contact you. I know you didn’t want to block him because you were hoping for a much different outcome for his first contact with you and that hasn’t happened (fact) and doesn’t appear like it’s going to.
If you really want to be fair to yourself you would block him instead of hanging on in anticipation of his next call.
He is an addict who is NOT in recovery, he isn’t looking for a friend he’s looking for a “resource” (fact). And should you cave into this classic addict behavior (fact) you will be right back to square one only this time it will hit you much harder (fact).
He doesn’t NEED you or your help in getting clean and sober, his actions (facts) show you that he has no interest in doing that. He has created a living environment with his cousin where his addiction can thrive(fact) and now he’s attempting to suck you into it as well.(fact).
Take control of your life and your feelings get both out of the hands of an active addict and block him from the ability to contact you. I know you didn’t want to block him because you were hoping for a much different outcome for his first contact with you and that hasn’t happened (fact) and doesn’t appear like it’s going to.
If you really want to be fair to yourself you would block him instead of hanging on in anticipation of his next call.
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Glenjo,
You talking to him intermittently , is you trying to control your addiction to him.
It's like an alcoholic only having a couple sips here and there....
By not taking this call but allowing that one, you "control" your exposure. Yet just how the alcoholic thinks of nothing but the next drink when he is sober, you are now spending your mental energy thinking about him and what your next move should be and is his cousin an enabler and what if he drinks more then two bottles of wine and if you aren't his friend now maybe you never will be again and what if this and what if that.... exhausting no?
If you take many more sips you are going to be drowning in the bottom of that bottle once again.
I know. I've been there.
You talking to him intermittently , is you trying to control your addiction to him.
It's like an alcoholic only having a couple sips here and there....
By not taking this call but allowing that one, you "control" your exposure. Yet just how the alcoholic thinks of nothing but the next drink when he is sober, you are now spending your mental energy thinking about him and what your next move should be and is his cousin an enabler and what if he drinks more then two bottles of wine and if you aren't his friend now maybe you never will be again and what if this and what if that.... exhausting no?
If you take many more sips you are going to be drowning in the bottom of that bottle once again.
I know. I've been there.
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Where does compassion come into it ?
I have great compassion for the ex alcoholic in my life. It, in no way, shape or form, mandates me to a front row seat of his continued unacceptable life choices, or any other seat in his crazy arena.
Healthy people surround themselves with like minded healthy people.
He currently doesn’t need friends, he needs medical help, and currently, he does not want to accept help or responsibility , not sure what you think you can do to help him. Sorry, my intentions are not to sound cruel, but this isn’t a normal situation where you can be that good friend, and be that listening ear, offering love and support. You are not a neutral party in this equation.
I learned the hard way, that when dealing with addiction, the normal everyday approach of how treat others, interact with them doesn’t seem to apply. If you choose to keep giving, they will keep taking.
It appears, you keep visiting the hardware store to purchase a loaf of bread.
I have great compassion for the ex alcoholic in my life. It, in no way, shape or form, mandates me to a front row seat of his continued unacceptable life choices, or any other seat in his crazy arena.
Healthy people surround themselves with like minded healthy people.
He currently doesn’t need friends, he needs medical help, and currently, he does not want to accept help or responsibility , not sure what you think you can do to help him. Sorry, my intentions are not to sound cruel, but this isn’t a normal situation where you can be that good friend, and be that listening ear, offering love and support. You are not a neutral party in this equation.
I learned the hard way, that when dealing with addiction, the normal everyday approach of how treat others, interact with them doesn’t seem to apply. If you choose to keep giving, they will keep taking.
It appears, you keep visiting the hardware store to purchase a loaf of bread.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Facts don’t care about your feeling Glenjo99 and this guy doesn’t care about your feelings. This guy is not your cure to ease those feelings, a friendship with him is certainly not your cure, he is the cause of your the anxiety, the sadness, the stress, etc.
He is an addict who is NOT in recovery, he isn’t looking for a friend he’s looking for a “resource” (fact). And should you cave into this classic addict behavior (fact) you will be right back to square one only this time it will hit you much harder (fact).
He doesn’t NEED you or your help in getting clean and sober, his actions (facts) show you that he has no interest in doing that. He has created a living environment with his cousin where his addiction can thrive(fact) and now he’s attempting to suck you into it as well.(fact).
Take control of your life and your feelings get both out of the hands of an active addict and block him from the ability to contact you. I know you didn’t want to block him because you were hoping for a much different outcome for his first contact with you and that hasn’t happened (fact) and doesn’t appear like it’s going to.
If you really want to be fair to yourself you would block him instead of hanging on in anticipation of his next call.
He is an addict who is NOT in recovery, he isn’t looking for a friend he’s looking for a “resource” (fact). And should you cave into this classic addict behavior (fact) you will be right back to square one only this time it will hit you much harder (fact).
He doesn’t NEED you or your help in getting clean and sober, his actions (facts) show you that he has no interest in doing that. He has created a living environment with his cousin where his addiction can thrive(fact) and now he’s attempting to suck you into it as well.(fact).
Take control of your life and your feelings get both out of the hands of an active addict and block him from the ability to contact you. I know you didn’t want to block him because you were hoping for a much different outcome for his first contact with you and that hasn’t happened (fact) and doesn’t appear like it’s going to.
If you really want to be fair to yourself you would block him instead of hanging on in anticipation of his next call.
Thanks those facts are very accurate. I'm actually not anticipating his every call however. I suppose I will feel weird knowing this person is living so close and doing whatever he will be doing but I'm sure focusing on myself I'll get through that. Feels a bit creepy.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Where does compassion come into it ?
I have great compassion for the ex alcoholic in my life. It, in no way, shape or form, mandates me to a front row seat of his continued unacceptable life choices, or any other seat in his crazy arena.
Healthy people surround themselves with like minded healthy people.
He currently doesn’t need friends, he needs medical help, and currently, he does not want to accept help or responsibility , not sure what you think you can do to help him. Sorry, my intentions are not to sound cruel, but this isn’t a normal situation where you can be that good friend, and be that listening ear, offering love and support. You are not a neutral party in this equation.
I learned the hard way, that when dealing with addiction, the normal everyday approach of how treat others, interact with them doesn’t seem to apply. If you choose to keep giving, they will keep taking.
It appears, you keep visiting the hardware store to purchase a loaf of bread.
I have great compassion for the ex alcoholic in my life. It, in no way, shape or form, mandates me to a front row seat of his continued unacceptable life choices, or any other seat in his crazy arena.
Healthy people surround themselves with like minded healthy people.
He currently doesn’t need friends, he needs medical help, and currently, he does not want to accept help or responsibility , not sure what you think you can do to help him. Sorry, my intentions are not to sound cruel, but this isn’t a normal situation where you can be that good friend, and be that listening ear, offering love and support. You are not a neutral party in this equation.
I learned the hard way, that when dealing with addiction, the normal everyday approach of how treat others, interact with them doesn’t seem to apply. If you choose to keep giving, they will keep taking.
It appears, you keep visiting the hardware store to purchase a loaf of bread.
You don't sound cruel at all I appreciate honesty. He said along with the wine he would be drinking that he will be going to AA meetings daily which his cousin will bring him to. I don't want to help him at all. As I've said already the penny has finally dropped that his addiction comes before everything. I'm not deluded anymore thinking that I could have a relationship with him in future. I never will, his addiction comes first and then his cousin.
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He said along with the wine he would be drinking that he will be going to AA meetings daily which his cousin will bring him to.
Don’t buy any stock in his words it’s a very bad investment.
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I have never attended an AA meeting, but I am curious if they accept/allow people to attend meetings who are actively drinking daily?
There are medicines to help people with physical withdrawal symptoms, I have never seen 2 bottles of wine a day on the approved drug list to help someone safely detox. Just wow, sounds like someone is still blowing smoke in your ear.
I find his words baffling and complete bullsh*t, but that is just my skeptical personal opinion.
There are medicines to help people with physical withdrawal symptoms, I have never seen 2 bottles of wine a day on the approved drug list to help someone safely detox. Just wow, sounds like someone is still blowing smoke in your ear.
I find his words baffling and complete bullsh*t, but that is just my skeptical personal opinion.
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I believe tradition 3 of AA is…….the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I’m sure many people show up to AA intoxicated just as I am sure that those same people can’t take in what is being said or remotely understand it. Usually those people don’t stick around for very long.
I’m sure many people show up to AA intoxicated just as I am sure that those same people can’t take in what is being said or remotely understand it. Usually those people don’t stick around for very long.
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