Glenjo99

Yes thanks that's a good idea. Today I'm feeling a bit more calm and reminding myself of my daily rituals I have in place to help keep me centred which I'm doing. He texted earlier to say his flight is later today, he will be staying with his cousin and apologized for what happened earlier in year. Finally got it, but didn't mean as much to me as I thought it would. I realise he's in active addiction now, so it's none of my business to go there! Looking after my needs what I want and what's best in my life.

hopeful4

So in other words, I have burned all my other bridges, so I want to come and use you now. What do you think you should do?

fightingfair

We are in similar situations (although it's only been a little over 3 weeks of NC on my part now). I think your situation would really mess with me because the whole time I hadn't heard from them, there would be a little part of me wondering if maybe now they're getting the help they need or if they're changing. Not so much for me to check in - because I've realized blocking and accepting the mystery is the right path for me after all the pain he's caused. Just that, as I start to heal and re-develop hope, I can't help but project that unto him a little.

I think hearing from him in the way you have has unfortunately nipped any hopes like that in the bud. He's sick, he's concentrated on what HE needs, his apologies are tardy and manipulative. Now that you see who he is, is there any reason to have to be tortured by him reaching out anymore?

I wish you strength and peace today.

Glenjo99

I think I should keep focus on my needs. He wants me to call out to see him during week in his cousins. I don't like her, she is hugely controlling. I used to call out there when he lived there before. Don't want to get into all that again. Wouldn't mind a conversation with him on neutral territory or my house but I think he's going to be cooped up in hers from now on,. So to answer your question, keep detaching with love.

Glenjo99

Thanks I need all the good intentions and prayers. He's very sick. 4 rehabs therapy etc but doesn't want it. All I know is I don't want all that stress, drama and crap again.

Hawkeye13

Good decision

Watch what happens when you don't jump when he calls. . .

FireSprite

Then block his number before it goes any further Glen.

You've been given a gift of closure here - he's still using, worse off than before & there's no telling if he'll ever get clean. He only remembered your number as a last-ditch effort to line up his next enabler & threw out that apology to appease you with no real emotional meaning or accountability. This IS who he REALLY is as a human being.

You are getting healthier & he is NOT. Block, block, block before you get enmeshed with his latest sob story.

Glenjo99

He disappears again?

Glenjo99

Yes I'm so happy I got some type of closure. Definately a gift.

trailmix

Is she? Hugely controlling that is. She is the only person who has opened her home to him.

She probably knows him better than you do and what may seem controlling to you is her enforcing boundaries with someone she has known all her life probably. She knows what he is capable of. If you saw her now you would probably think OMG she is even worse now.

Well yeah, she has a spiraling addict in her home.

If you do decide not to see him, you may want to consider letting him know that you want to end contact? Nothing to be gained from late night calls with him high and looking for sympathy.

You mentioned narcissism the other day. If you have looked at it you will have also heard of "hoovering".

Now whether he is a person with NPD or not, I don't know but if you truly think he shows strong narcissistic tendencies then this is narcissism 101.

Hawkeye13

1) hoovering
2)anger
3)he disappears again

Maybe all 3, maybe just 1 or 2.

I think cut contact now before you get hurt again was an excellent suggestion.
You got the closure you said you wanted. Let go now.

He's got to get sobriety right on his own--and you don't need to be a continuing casualty in his private addiction drama.

Glenjo99

Yes hoovering sounds right. I know if he wasn't moving back over here I wouldn't have heard from him.

Had missed calls from him at airport this evening didn't pick up.

pdm22

marie1960

My personal experience in dealing with an alcoholic, just keep pushing yourself forward., block his number, shake it off and don’t look back.

He told you he has been kicked out of two rehabs, that in itself speaks volumes.

Think it’s safe to say nothing has changed for him. Please, do not get sucked into his vortex of NEED.

He isn’t currently physically or mentally able to give you the apology you deserve, Honestly, he may never be able to give you that. I have found forgiving myself for my poor choice/lack of better knowledge about addiction , more comforting than any words the ex alcoholic could ever extend or offer.

You got this, just keep moving forward.

Glenjo99

Yes it can be, however I'm realising I'm hugely triggered. You might imagine hearing all he's been through it would turn me off him but emotions are emotions and they are still there. However I'm more guarded at the moment and struggling between how not to turn your back on someone who says they need a friend and are reaching out and minding myself.

Glenjo99

Thanks Marie. He says he is reaching out and needs a friend here (I'm sure he has many others). I know I now need to continue on with my own codependent recovery but wondering where does compassion come into it. Can I really turn my back on him. The penny has finally dropped with me how alcohol/drugs will always come first for him. It's very sad.

Seren

Ah, the desperate, spiraling addict reaching out in a panic expecting everyone else to solve all their problems and tell them it will be OK.

See, the thing is, it doesn't matter to them who they can use at this point, as long as they can crash somewhere and use someone so that they don't have to face their own addiction head on.

IMHO, that's what this sounds like, sadly.

Really, what is in *your* best interest? Not what will soothe your immediate wants/desires....hurts. That is something only you can decide for yourself.

Please be careful!

Gilmer

Glenjo, you may be his friend, but he is definitely not your friend.

Please continue the no contact. Showing misplaced mercy to him now would only increase the damage to you, and it would do nothing to affect him (except perhaps root him even more solidly in being a user and emotional abuser).

Glenjo99

Yes I know what you mean. He is saying that he is moved back to stop drinking. Said he will be attending AA over here and will be reporting the abuse to an agency. I'm sceptical but hope it works for him. I just wonder, because some of the rehabs he has been in we're expensive and had great therapists and still relapsed. Can he do it now over here, living with his cousin, I don't know.

Glenjo99

I hear what your saying. He can't be anyone's friend.