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Old 11-07-2018, 12:33 PM
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Hi there

Hi all I am new. I just found this section for family members of alcoholics. I am a alcoholic myself and have quit after 3 years. Problem is my hubby just kept up at it. Heís a high functioning alcoholic that could easily drink all day if allowed. I had let that behavior go for a long time until I said enough was enough. I just couldnít let it go on and now alcohol is not allowed in the house like it once was. You see...we have kids and I just cant let them grow up that way. I just wanted to reach out. I see that a lot of you refer to tools in dealing with alcoholics and I want to learn some of these. Like hate the drink not the drinker? Maybe Iím making that one up. Itís so hard just to hate the alcohol alone when the drinker is so rude and narcissistic when drunk. I am giving myself a little more time with him to see where this is going. We went to counseling and the counselor gently encouraged him to examine his relationship with alcohol. Heís a great provider, sharp as a whip, friendly and fun. This is all true but looks are deceiving and thereís so much more beneath the surface. I hope to gain some insight and real knowledge about this problem. It hurts everyone and I get frustrated that his decisions impact all of us.

Thanks for reading
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Old 11-07-2018, 02:14 PM
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Hi Layers,

welcome to this side side of the forum. Thereís a lot of really good advice here, often starting with... what are you doing for yourself?

We cant control alcoholics anymore than our families and loved ones could have controlled our drinking (Iím a sober alkie too).

We we can only control ourselves and our actions. And try to understand ourselves and what weíre willing to be around., or in your case what you are willing to be around and allow around your kids.

I hope you stick around, read those stickies at top of the forum, and post. Lots of help available here.

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Old 11-07-2018, 02:29 PM
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Thank you so much for your reply. It feels refreshing to be around people who truly understand. I keep wondering if Iím crazy-if I should just try to deal with this as everyone has problems sober or not. I tell myself at least itís not infidelity a gambling problem, crack ect ect...itís just drinking too much and acting out and using words as weapons. I realize this isnít right and I deserve more, I go back and forth.
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Old 11-07-2018, 02:38 PM
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Hello and welcome!

Congratulations on your own sobriety, that is the most important thing you can ever do for yourself or your family. Well done!

I remember telling my kids to hate the disease, not the person before I divorced my X husband. I think honestly it just made them look at me like I was crazy. I mean, here is their own father treating me terrible, lying, etc. He was not always a mean drunk either, until it progressed and he was.

I think it's important to be age appropriately honest with your children and detatch and focus on them as much as you possibly can. Don't let this turn you into an angry, resentful person. That happened to me and caused my children just as much damage as his addiction did. I regret over and over. Luckily, we have been in counseling (children and I) for a long time and I have built a new relationship with them. However, they still know that for that time, it was always about their father, I did not put them first as I should have.

I encourage you to keep coming back, keep reading, keep sharing. This forum can be tough at times, so take what helps, and leave the rest!

Welcome again, I am really glad you are here!
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Old 11-07-2018, 03:34 PM
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Rose......Welcome!
You might begin by reading in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. We have collected over 100 articles....enough for you to read and digest one every single day....
Here is a convenient link...….(they are also in the stickies at the top of the main page).
Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You might also like ate classic book that is recommended, frequently, around here....
"Co-dependent No More".

Face to face meetings in alanon will help you, also....


You are right....using words as weapons and continue to doing things that hurt the family and loved ones is not part of a healthy home....especially with children in the home. If that is happening...damage is already being done.....
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Old 11-07-2018, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Rose7788 View Post
Thank you so much for your reply. It feels refreshing to be around people who truly understand. I keep wondering if I’m crazy-if I should just try to deal with this as everyone has problems sober or not. I tell myself at least it’s not infidelity a gambling problem, crack ect ect...it’s just drinking too much and acting out and using words as weapons. I realize this isn’t right and I deserve more, I go back and forth.
Hi Rose and welcome. You are not crazy. Yes, everyone has problems, that's for sure, financial, family of origin, children acting out, etc etc there is always stuff going on in a family.

With alcohol, as you know, it affects every person in the house. I don't know how old your children are but as dandylion mentioned, the damage is already being done, it's inevitable, you cannot shield them from it, no matter how hard you try.

If they are teens, you might want to encourage them to go to Al-Ateen. Be sure to talk to them. Alcoholism is the elephant in the room, they know it's there whether they are 5 or 15.

I hope you will continue to post.
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