Glenjo99

So, I've been asking the universe daily for last few months for direction and to help to reorganise my life. Strong urges the last few days to rearrange furniture and change room layouts which I've spent today doing.

It felt very unsettling and brought up lots of feelings. The room where we used to sit in, his seat on the sofa, and really brought back all those memories for me. I miss some of those times. Didnt realise changing furniture around could do this. Hopefully now the energy change will continue with this new rearrangement.

The journey continues. Anyone else do this and find it helped?

trailmix

For the narc, I threw away everything to do with him, all gifts, linens, specialty cookware, everything (except one thing that I didn't have heart to throw away, not because of him but because it's cute).

I had purchased some things for his apt, some pricey things, told him to take all of it (which he did because he is a narc).

By the time I got around to throwing this stuff out, I was happy to be rid of it. You're not there yet, but you will get there eventually. I can't remember what it was but I took the scissors to it. Linens maybe? I went all out lol

I've been married twice. I never felt the need to throw stuff away. Funny how dysfunctional relationships are so - dysfunctional.

fightingfair

I've been unpacking after moving back into my place and really have been enjoying throwing things out that I had meant to get rid of before I had even met him and agreed to move in. This has left my place feeling sparse and lovely and I have been coming home and playing music to drown out footsteps of the loud family upstairs and in a sense "claiming" my own space again.

I also got rid of or left behind (pointedly) everything he gave me, including some things I actually really liked and treasured (some clothing, in particular a beautiful scarf). Hilariously yesterday I came home to see in my absence over the weekend he dropped off two old folding chairs and a flower pot. I kinda wish he had dropped off the scarf but I'd rather he jsut drop off the folds of my memory at this point.

I think cleaning out and rearranging is a great start to stir up new energy in your living place - I hope you are doing better!

hopeful4

Yes!!!

When I divorced I could not afford to move, so I shuffled around all of our bedrooms (I have two children). It was a great change for all of us!

I also did lots of painting and got new furniture. I wanted things to be DIFFERENT!

And, who doesn't like having things spruced up!!!!

Glenjo99

Thanks doing better than I have been but if I'm honest moving stuff around although good for changing up the energy also made me think of him a lot. He's stolen a piece of me I'll never get back.

Glenjo99

Yes I'm pretty much the same so it's nice to move things around. All part of the process of healing I imagine.

Mango212

Hi Glenjo,

Thanks for the inspiration! I'm moving around more furniture and having fun. I like the views in the living room and am getting new perspectives from fresh vantage points.

Two A.H. recordings I'm enjoying:

https://youtu.be/N6PmzkhLwKA

https://youtu.be/ZJrKgTq9VOk

Glenjo99

Thanks Mango. Listening to her every day now. Particularly loved the second one, let go and everything will be fine.

This struck me in it " you care so much about understanding why things haven't gone better, that you don't just let go and let them be better"!

​​​​​​​Could have been written for me, obsessed with the why.

Mango212

https://youtu.be/Nzu9j4nljg0

SoulGPS Narcissist Abuse Recovery, 8 steps to getting your life back.

I love how one thing leads to another. Moving furniture, having fun, cleaning and coming across wonderful support along the way. This video pulls together good self-care and awareness.

Surrounding myself with good really does bring about more good. I'm gaining a much deeper awareness of this.

Energy & recovery information:
https://youtu.be/Pmxdee070YI

PuzzledHeart

Would the idea of some sort of cleansing ceremony (ex. burning sage) appeal to you?

But you can also add something that he'll never be able to take away. You just don't know what it is yet. In the meantime, you could add something prominent to your home to change the dynamic and flow. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. I moved into a new office recently. I got rid of a file cabinet, plopped a vase on top of the table, and bought a plant. Now everybody says the place is unrecognizable. Apartment Therapy, Remodelista, and Design Sponge taught me well.

trailmix

Maybe ask, why not? Moving furniture isn't necessarily about moving furniture.

What if the answer were, he is misguided and made a huge error in judgement. Once he is in recovery for a while and that "good" side of him comes back in to play and he can accept himself as he is, he will be back.

If you let him go completely. If you accept him for what and how he truly was isn't that a betrayal? If you accept what he did, if he did come back, how could you have him back?

In reality, he might just be sitting at home with a bottle of vodka watching TV.

Do you hesitate to contact him because you fear the reply, or no reply at all? Or is it purely out of a sense of "doing the right thing"?

Mango212

Hi trailmix,

No Contact in my life is creating a boundary that provides space for my healing, growth and healthy relationships.

Glenjo,

My confidence is rising.

I anticipated moving the furniture back this evening and am embracing this new layout in unexpected ways. The couch has dual recliners and feels like home theater seating in it's new location in the middle of the great room. The rug has been shook out and turned sideways, and puppy's dog bed fits in the room naturally now.

I've read up on lucky bamboo and gave one some extra care. Distilled water, the best of it replanted and put in a new location on the dining room table. There are beautiful shadows being casted by it.

I'm enjoying the good vibes.

Glenjo99

Sounds lovely your new office addition. I have thought about some of ceremony like that, probably will try it just not ready yet. Good idea, worth a shot. I'm progressing and feeling better in a lot of ways, what's happening is the more time goes on, the bad memories are falling away and I'm remembering/longing for the good him.

Glenjo99

Not sure if I understand what you mean about the betrayal part? Course he was misguided and made an error in judgement. He had no internal guidance. In reality I don't contact him because I suppose I feel as much as I would love to hear from him, that with all that happened he should be the first to make contact. In the past it would always have been me. As time goes on, 5 months today, I'm remembering and healing myself to such a point I clearly remember the early days, the why and how we came together. I remember the initial person I fell in love with and its not dissipating. How it ended and the mess becoming less vivid.

My therapist told me that he has had people in his life many years ago (one 30 years) that he still wonders how they are and what would his life had been like with her. Maybe he will be this one for me.

Glenjo99

Sounds lovely mango. Enjoying my new layout aswell. Appreciating the now as well as Knowing that all this is preparing my future and who/what will show up is exciting. I still love him and think he is the love of my life. That Codependent part still lingers on.

OpheliaKatz

I would sell off things that remind you of him and start again. You can change your environment just by putting up different curtains or buying new bedding. This could be a fun, cathartic decorating project.

Glenjo99

Thanks have been doing just that. New duvet, covers and pillowcases, new curtains too. It's been incremental, initially phone messages, then phone contact detais, then urge to move things around so mixing up the energy while I'm healing. If I could get the warm feelings of him out that would be helpful but maybe I'm not supposed to

trailmix

Your therapist needs a therapist! (kidding).

Betrayal. What I meant was, if you wash your hands of him. If you accept him for what he was, how he acted, that may seem (to you) like a betrayal.

If he showed up tomorrow how could you accept him back if you really and I mean REALLY see him/accept him for what he is. If you stop holding on you are now no longer in a relationship with him. Yes, I know you two broke up, but you are still in a relationship with him.

If you did accept what he is and what he did, you can't be sitting there 30 years from now wondering what life would be like with your abuser.

You are romanticizing him. In fact you just did that above.

"I clearly remember the early days, the why and how we came together. I remember the initial person I fell in love with and its not dissipating. How it ended and the mess becoming less vivid".

You can be sitting there 5 years from now thinking about him and thinking he was "misguided" and " made an error in judgement".

He's not misguided and his judgement is poor at best. Don't romanticize him. He is not innocent and powerless. He is a grown up adult man who has made horrible choices. He may be downtrodden, but how he treated you is horrendous!

Think of it this way. He knows you about as well as you know him. He knows you are a sensitive, thoughtful person. Yet, despite that, he has not said one word to you in 5 months. Not a hello, not an apology. Did he ever even apologize for his behaviour at the hotel?

Now he may be downtrodden but any decent human being would know enough to apologize for being a complete ass.

If you think, after 5 months that he is sitting somewhere healing and respecting your feelings, is that the person you really knew? No. His "judgement" is just as it seems. Self-centered.

Glenjo99

My therapist has a tendency to overshare and at times gives direction, bit that's a whole other story. Looking for a new one soon.

I know what you mean. The person he became at very end was self centred and I do think he is healing, well I hope he is, as for respecting my feelings, no. The video mango posted about narcissist recovery, I only watched today and funnily enough said that be careful of romanticizing as time goes on, perhaps reread some of the initial journaling and letters I wrote.

im not going to lie though, or pretend, in my mind I am remembering the early times more and the loss of all the plans we made. I have to acknowledge I'm at that place today, all part of the process.

trailmix

Have you ever taken something out of the oven with your bare hands, like grabbed an oven fry or something and burnt yourself. It hurts. You know you should not of grabbed the oven fry, oh well, lesson learned.

Few months later you do it again. Not because you are stupid or ill-informed but because you have forgotten that pain. At the time you said omg a fry is not worth a 5 day blister on my texting hand! But that faded and all you remembered was how great that fry was!

Pain fades, it's human nature, it's survival. That does not mean we keep plucking things from the oven.

If we didn't learn then we would have to hold on to the pain and we would all be wrecks.

You may not remember the pain of the finger blister but you do remember it wasn't good and you don't want to do that anymore.

Yes, his poor treatment of you is fading, that's normal, no one wants to live with the pain of that forever. I don't just mean the hotel either, I mean all the time leading up to that. You have shared a little bit of his poor treatment of you and your feelings, enough to get a peek of how it wasn't the romance and roses you are now romanticizing.

That's a big red flag. It's not actually part of the process, it's moving backward. It wasn't just at the end, that is selective memory. You think he is healing yet you have nothing to back that up at all.