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Originally Posted by Dazed4once
(Post 7048792)
Hello. I am new here and now may never be normal again. It’s a very real possibility that I honestly have been permanently filled with anxiety, shame, guilt and fear that may never go away, and that too is very scary. Why has all this happened? Well, bc I fell in love and remained in a longer term relationship with an alcoholic - no one else is to blame for this. I look at my friends and family. The ones in a marriage or relationship, and they would never in a million years put up with this level of hurt and pain which is intentional at that and then I find myself being jealous of their strength & wisdom to know they wouldn’t put up with it. Why can’t I develop this strength? I have been to a counselor but feel they don’t understand-to them it’s just as easy as “you need to leave him!” (But, it’s not that easy) and I have been prescribed medicine to help combat anxiety/depression but, I won’t take it - because, according to him - I am the crazy one now bc I need medicine. I haven’t been allowed to cry in his presence for 2 years, bc if I do, it’s now my fault for putting him in this mood and his moods are intense. Unlike anything I’ve seen. Here are a few examples of what things are like: 1. I had dental appointment couple weeks ago, they asked me to take a Valium and they were going to give me Nitrous oxide as well to get through the procedure. They required me to have a driver, or they wouldn’t see me. I had no choice but to ask him. The entire way there, he ridiculed, yelled, insulted, screamed, etc — at one point (red light) I literally tried getting out of the car. This is how horrible it was. I got to the dental office, the Valium obviously not working bc he had me so upset and nervous. They put the gas on, still not enough to get me calm enough, and had to reschedule the entire procedure bc I was too visibly upset to continue. The entire way home, was worse than the way there. And, guess whose fault it was? Mine. It is always my fault. 2. This afternoon, he really sliced deep with his words. My father is in cancer treatment and receiving chemo & radiation. He said this “You must be so ashamed of your life. I’d be embarrassed if I were you, the only thing your good at is eating and sleeping. You have nobody, and all you have is your mom and dying father”. I blocked him after this. I truly want to keep him there too. 3. He starts group texts with people at work. I think their are 4 of them besides him. He will start stories and situations about me. One time, it was that I was cheating some guy from the job site (totally not true!) and it got so bad that they included this man in on the text, he was just as clueless as I was, but ended up getting really mad, and supposedly had it out with my guy during lunch. Guess whose fault that was? Mine. Supposedly I somehow magically knew this man they were using and his phone # and called him and told him this was happening. Later, he sent the entire group my phone number & address and told them if they wanted a good time, to stop over. ***I live alone, I live very rural. I was livid he gave a bunch of people I don’t know, and he barely knows my address and phone #. I got really irate over this. Maybe almost going off the deep end. Guess who ended up being the bad guy? Me. He was only trying to be funny and joke, and I can’t have fun. I haven’t been able to stop crying since he has said this to me about my family and dad. I’m literally shaking and feel very like Im going to pass out. I don’t know what more to do, other than keep him on block on my phone - But, I guarantee I’ll take him off. I just know what I’m feeling, and it’s not bc I can’t be without his accusations and nasty ways ... it’s because I honestly believe I have no one else. Partially true, bc I’ve become so isolated. I’m scared of dealing with my dads illness alone, without support. Yet, is he supportive? No. Very much the opposite. The day my dad had major surgery where we wouldn’t know the outcome - could he try just for an hour to be nice? No. In fact the opposite. I had to kick him out & lock him out of my home that night. I have asked myself 500 or more times why I stay, and I don’t have an answer other than my fear/thoughts above. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can handle and by that I also mean the pain and time and work it’s going to require to get over him, the scars and my own personal fears. If anything, could you please say a prayer or send good vibes that for once, I will remain strong and do the right thing. Will it get better? Can you overcome this? Is it the alcohol, or is it the man? I have known a few people who could be considered alcoholics by textbook definition, and they’re nothing like this. Im sorry so long. I have gone back and deleted and erased and changed a few things more than once. I hope this is enough to get my story out. Supposedly it’s what I need to do. I don’t know. My AH used to say the most horrible and hateful things to me that still make me cry when I think about them (crying now) and he would rage on and on despite the fact that I was cowering and sobbing, sometimes while holding our children... i wondered too, why I couldn't be strong enough to leave.. for good... Why couldn't I just cut him off emotionally and not be sucked back in every time? i don't know... I still am having a hard time letting go despite everything, though we have been separated nearly three years.... I don't think that makes us less strong though. You have been through so much with him. He's put you through what many people have never had to go through and no one should ever have to go through. But you've made it, and you're here reaching out and trying to begin taking steps toward moving forward.. I think that makes you pretty strong!! My AH still said awful things and was jealous and controlling and punched holes in walls at times when he was sober... But his violence was less intense and less frequent when sober... |
Hi Dazed4Once This man is an out and out narcissist. They lure you in with their initial niceness and over the top attentiveness. You are put on a pedestal. You feel loved. But gradually over time they start to test the water...to see what they can get away with. Maybe an episode of silent treatment after a trivial disagreement. People like you and l just want to make things right and so we pursue them to put it right...this gives them the power! Over time we are reduced to such low self esteem and self doubt we even apologise when its not our fault, just to keep the peace. Then of course a few crumbs of normality are dropped to us and we are drawn back into the narcs web again. And repeat and repeat and each time it gets worse... the moods...the unreasonable behaviour...the put downs and criticisms... but the little bit of niceness always draws us back. We breathe a sigh of relief and think maybe its gonna be ok from now on...but it never is. You live on a knife egde. I think its called trauma bonding. Add booze into the mix and the result is terrifying. Stay safe hunni, you are starting to smell the coffee now and you must know in your heart it is never going to be a normal way of life with this guy. lts YOUR life, YOU are important...take care of you. Sending love xx |
Hello Dazed, Please understand that the ways in which this man has abused and tortured you mentally are horrific and obvious to all of us looking in from the outside. Please consider doing everything you can to protect yourself. I am soooo happy to hear that at least you don't live with him. I'm happy to know you blocked him. I hope that will continue. You may need to do so with every other way in which he can communicate with you--facebook, e-mail, etc. You deserve every bit of peace and joy this life has to offer, and this man is not going to be the one to give that to you. |
Kboys I’m so sorry you’ve been through similar and that you’re still so upset and affected by it 3 years later. I hope and pray that this eventually goes away and your feelings are replaced with feelings of peace acceptance and strength. I must admit hearing 3 years is a long time and if it goes on this long I’m not sure what I would do. Are you still in contact with him? I have lived with him, well he’s lived with me I should say. I recently kicked him out about 2-3 months ago. The night before my fathers surgery when he was being so very nasty that he had me literally shaking and dizzy (the entire room was spinning) and nauseous or getting physically sick. He knew I was upset. I have anxiety anyway, mild, but have it. His favorite would be using my own triggers against me. Using things he knew would hurt and cut deep. So that night was full of that - knowing full well I was upset and worried over my dad. That’s the night I waited for him to go outside. Soon as he did, I locked all the doors and put his phone number on block again. He was banging my doors, I recorded it and let him know I was recording it and when he knew that, he stopped. He eventually sobered up (next day) and left. I’ve not let him come back since, he wants to - I won’t let him obviously. So of course the reason for our troubles according to him are bc I won’t let him come back. He does not have keys to my house, he does know my garage code and I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried many times and it fails. I need to have garage door company come out. Until I do, I just lock the door leading into the house. |
When I say, I haven’t let him come back, I mean to live. He still would come over. I feel tremendous guilt and sadness over letting him talk very poorly about people I love (family) and still, what do I do, allow him space in my life. What kind of person does that make me? I have for far far too long conditioned him to treat me the way he does by allowing it. I should’ve set my own rules a long time ago. He had nothing to lose. He knew I’d still keep him around bc I let him be this way. I didn’t like it, he knew this, but at the same time, he knew I wouldn’t go away. One of the things that hurt the most is how he talks about me to his friend and family. According to him, they all say I am the problem. I don’t know if I believe him or not. |
I'd like to reiterate Seren's post. We can see that what he's done is abusive _because_ we're on the outside looking in. And we want to let you know that it's not you that's doing anything to deserve or cause how he treats you. It's so much harder to see it from the inside. The guilt that you feel for 'letting' him talk poorly about people is not yours to carry. You could no more control how he talks about people than you could control him texting horrid stuff about you to co-workers. I think it's normal to feel bad about him talking ****, but it's not your fault that he did it. Dazed, it takes 2 to make a relationship work. Him putting all the blame for any issues that come up onto you is not him trying to make it work. It's him not only trying to avoid any responsibility, but also avoiding being a true partner. During our divorce, AXH routinely told the court that our marriage failed because I didn't care enough. In exactly those words. I spent 16 years with him. I started counseling in order to learn how to communicate with him when he repeatedly told me I misunderstood or wasn't clear. He refused to consider counseling, either couples or individual. But in his mind I was still to blame for breaking up the marriage. I bought his view for so long and it took him saying that - out loud - to a judge - for me to start to realize nothing I did to try to fix our relationship would be enough. (I had filed for divorce, but until then I still believed that if I had tried harder...) Abusive partners are very good at picking up on the hooks that will keep their victim tied in to the relationship. With you, it might be ramping up fears of being alone, for the next woman it might be that she feels she is the one who will really understand him and therefore, must work 3 times harder to be better at understanding him that his last GF. Whatever it is, abusive people pick up on it and use it. Without any real thought to the person they're manipulating. According to him, they all say I am the problem. I don’t know if I believe him or not. |
Stay safe Find support- Al-anon? Doc? There is a lot of good feedback here and I am sure you understand this guy is using you- abusively. You deserve better. My prayers and support to you, and prayers for your dad and mum. |
Originally Posted by Dazed4once
(Post 7050598)
I have for far far too long conditioned him to treat me the way he does by allowing it. I should’ve set my own rules a long time ago. He had nothing to lose. Boundaries would have been great and you should keep working on that in general because they protect you and you need to protect yourself. Doesn't mean you need to be paranoid but you need to decide, for yourself, what you allow in your life. Is it ok if people yell at you? Call you a name, insult you? Is it ok if they borrow money and never pay it back? What is your line in the sand? Boundaries are for you. He is who he is. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. That's true of his personality too. He is who he is. Period. You can't change him (nor should you want to). |
I hope you get a restraining order and counseling to build your self esteem. He sounds like a monster and you dont deserve to be treated like that. Stay strong there are good people out there. |
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