Pearljam93

Hi everyone! I'm new here. I am so distraught and upset. I have been with this man for four years. He is an alcoholic and was one prior to meeting me. I've tried so hard to help him. All he did was use me, emotionally abuse me, cheat on me, and everything else. Everytime we "broke up" he would weasel his way back in and say ALL the right things to make the relationship work, but always failed. I finally left him for a good 5 months. That was the longest we've ever been broken up.

he got clean and sober and was living in a halfway house when he called me and said "I am sober now and I cherish you. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. We will make this work. We are soulmates. I shouldn't have never cheated on you, or hurt you the way I did. I was a piece of **** drunken loser. I love being sober and I'm more clear headed. Please give me this chance to show you how you should be treated. I'm healthy and loving life. I love you so much."

I gave him that chance thinking "wow he really owned up and realized he needs to be clean and sober. Maybe he will be different." Huh, WRONG! He put up with this spiritual calm and loving nature for about 4 months, then he quit going to meetings, he quit talking to his sponsor and everyone in recovery. I asked him why he would do that and he said he was "cured". Well stupid me fell for it. He even got me a promise ring and told his family when he hits the one year sober mark he was going to propose. Well he went back to his old pattern of being distant, mean, and abusive. I said I had enough and told him to leave. He instantly relapsed.

he relapsed and has SO much hatred for me it is unreal. All I ever did was take care of him, and he blamed everything on me again. He said I was the one who was toxic when I was the one pushing him into therapy and I'm in therapy myself. I was supportive and loving and yet he thinks I'm the most horrible person in the world, when he is the biggest scumbag for how he treated me.

So, after going NC for four days he texts my mother which is weird because we didn't think he remembered her number calling her and my dad "toxic" and that he's glad he's not with the "nightmare of a daughter you have". It was a HUGE slap in my face considering this "nightmare" was helping him and there for him when nobody else wasn't and supported his recovery. I was so in love with him and catered to him but he just kept saying how he doesn't want any contact with anyone and he just wants to get his stuff he left at my house and leave. Ok. He got that and still texted my mom saying "tell your daughter to delete every picture of us on Facebook. I'm happy and moving on with someone else and it will help her to move on too. It's not healthy. I am so relieved to be away from this toxic relationship, so should she." My mom blocked him and didn't respond, but really? After four days you are moving onto someone else? I'm sorry I have a life and only deleted the recent pictures of us on Facebook and not every single picture. Sorry, I can't sit around and drink like a fish like him. I have over 1000 pictures, I'm not going through every single one over the course of four years and deleting everything. I just deleted the recent ones and the profile pics I had. But how does he even know that considering he's blocked on my Facebook? And he was flirting with other women and fishing for other women only a day after our breakup which is sickening to me. Why would he text my mother that? If he moved on, then move on! Is he going crazy because he has NC with me? I blocked him literally from everything. And usually when we broken up in the past he was always professing his undying love for me. Now, he just bashes me on social media, to friends, and says how horrible and toxic I am, and I'm a "disease" when I literally did nothing to him to warrant this! I'm just leaving him alone and doing my own thing! I'm not bashing him or anything! He is so evil and hateful towards me for literally being in love with him.and going NC. I am crying non stop because how could you treat someone this way? And move onto someone else in a matter of four days? We were together for FOUR years and I'm thrown away like trash. I'm trying to understand, and I can't why he is so hateful! And texted my mother about moving on. I need guidance. Thank you. I'm so hurt.

Bernadette

First of all - welcome

Second of all I'm glad to hear this is your EX! I wouldn't try to answer all those questions of "why he did this, or why he said that, or how could he text this?" You'll just make yourself nuts. It's very painful to go through what you've been through, but it seems like you are truly moving on, and healing will take time.

Alcoholism is a huge factor in bad behavior, but it's not the only factor. And many addicts become addicts because of underlying mental health issues. So whether it's addiction to alcohol or some other cause that's made him into this jerk it doesn't matter, you can't control any of it.

And seriously, anyone who posts negative stuff about an Ex on FB or any social media is the one who looks like the loser, he could be calling you all kinds of names, anyone reading it with half a brain will see that he is the bad guy. The people who know and love you won't pay that any attention and anyone who does believe him doesn't belong in your life!!

Good job going NC. Keep it up and maybe devote some of that intense energy you are feeling to focusing on yourself, your dreams and plans and struggles! That's where you can find peace of mind and make changes to benefit you.

Peace,
B

Cyranoak

This is what they do. Every time. And when someone like you finally leaves them in no time they replace them with somebody else and the cycle begins again. Please consider Alanon for you to learn why it is you started a relationship with an alcoholic and to learn how to not do it again.

Good luck.

Cyranoak

Glenjo99

The speed and ability with which they replace people is mind boggling. It should be studied (it probably has). If I hadn't been involved in it, I would find it fascinating. Best explanation I got recently in here was from someone who said I was basically part of their addiction, part of their highs and lows.

LovePeaceSushi

I think you are mostly needing to vent, and this is a good place for it. I've been with my AH for 12 years now and I know with every piece of me, if I left him, he'd have someone new within a month. Alcoholics don't do alone very well. (And neither do codependents! - go figure!)

I know you spent 4 years with him, but at least you didn't marry him or have a child with him. It will take you some time to heal, but then you can just keep looking forward with no reason or need to look back. It may not seem like a blessing right now, but it is!! A door has been shut that you did NOT need to walk through. I hope you do something nice for yourself tonight! (And tomorrow, too ☺️)

Michsm

Welcome!

I know it is hard but there is not logic in what alcoholics do and just be glad you did not marry him or have children with him (you may not feel that way now but time will heal) Doesn’t sound like a mutual respectful relationship, I did not get that either. You deserve to be happy. The only reason I say that is I divorced my angry drunk a few months back and now I look back and was in a helllhole, depressed and I was not my best self. I am starting to see it and feel so much better. Leaving wasn’t easy, I had weekends of not getting out of bed but I just threw myself into my work and took it day by day but I am at the point now where I look back and am embarrassed I stayed in a relationship like that. He will not change so lean on your friends and family right now and you will get through it.

Also, don’t let him control what you do with your facebook, it is your facebook

OpheliaKatz

PearlJam,

Welcome. I was with my exAH for a decade. I have to say... I think that the longer you are with them, the more you love them, the more they will abuse you when you try to detach from them. My personal theory is that they hate themselves and once you figure out that they are possible to detach from they think, "oh no, she's figured it out, she knows that I'm not loveable!" And then they think, "quick, I better make this about how she's evil, rather than allow any other living person discover my horrible secret: that I don't think I'm loveable." I'm pretty sure this is what they think... but then I'm not an addict, I shouldn't assume I know what they think, I also shouldn't assume that they are all alike. Anyway, this is what my exAH thought. I have been NC for a long time now. Seasons have passed. And yet... he still posts nasty things about me on FB for no reason. He still runs around saying nasty things about my family for no reason... and a lot of those things are untrue. He still sends me inappropriate material in FB messages by making fake new profiles for my existing FB friends and getting me to "friend" these fake friends.

I understand the feeling of betrayal you may have because I felt it, I still feel it. It's almost as if the guy you loved has been body snatched by a monster. I tend to think of it that way sometimes: the man I married died years ago... he was replaced by a horrifying doppelganger.

One addition specialist counselor I have been seeing has said to me: "I know you have been having nightmares of his death, but if he did die, then good! It would be a relief for him and you and everyone else around him." Of course I said, "what a horrible thing to say!"

The person who is harassing you and your mother is a crazy-person, a very emotionally tortured person (I would say). If at any point you feel physically or seriously emotionally threatened by him, consider a restraining order. If you don't feel that this abuse threatens you, try to think about it as a guy who is operating from his id -- like a snake -- not a completely functional human being.

hopeful4

NO CONTACT. Block him. He is a toxic person.

You cannot love someone into being a good person, or into recovery. It does not work. You deserve more than this. The only way is no contact. You will heal.

atalose

I am sorry you are on the receiving end of a raging out of control alcoholic. You did the right thing by blocking him and so did your mom.

All the questions you have are pretty normal questions to be asking except a relationship with an addict is anything but normal. You are trying to use logic and reason to figure this toxic relationship out except an alcohol soaked brain is not capable of logic or reason.


As for him moving on so quickly, that’s a word weapon meant to inflict pain on you. He is in no condition to begin a relationship or be in one with anyone – including you.

That’s a toxic relationship were the foundation was break up/make up revolving around his drinking/lying and cheating with you always taking him back after unacceptable behavior. If you don’t break this cycle, it will just continue.

No new contact = no new hurts.

Pearljam93

Hello and thank you all for welcoming me! It means a lot to me. I am sorry I can't get back to each and everyone that made a comment. I did read your comment and I thank you for the insight. I am really busy and work, and go to school full time, so my time is limited. Please excuse me, I just hope you all know I read each every one of your comments and appreciate it so much. I feel happy knowing people know what I am going through. I am not happy you all experienced this, or something like this, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone, and I can gain a good support system <3

I should be relieved but I'm not. I am angry that I am still crying. Even at work when I am distracted, I have to excuse myself and act like I need to go to the restroom, when really I am going to my car and breaking down crying.

I am so angry that someone literally took me for granted and did such horrible things to someone who was genuine. I am upset at how vicious and evil he is, he has no respect. He doesn't have to be in love with me, but at least have some respect and say "Ok, I am not in love with you "Pearljam93" but I appreciate everything you've done for me and I appreciate all your efforts of trying to help me. I respect you for that." I at least would be feeling a bit better knowing he is at least decent about the break up. But it just makes me sick that he says "One day I will find my princess." and saying absurd things on his facebook publicly. I know about this from friends which I told them to stop telling me. That is a another huge slap because I should have been looked at as his "princess" considering how loving and caring I was.

I can't get over the hurt and pain. I am not upset about losing him physically, I am upset that I literally did nothing wrong in this relationship, and I am still getting a beating for it even him being away. Being with trashy woman who are beneath me, bashing me, acting like I am a toxic horrible person, acting non chalant by saying "She needs to move on and delete every picture. The relationship just didn't work out and she needs to accept that. I have a new girlfriend and I couldn't be happier being without "Pearljam93" so, just tell her to move on." I am, but stop rubbing salt in the wound. Stop posting about me, stop shoving a trashy nasty skank in my face, just YOU MOVE ON THEN! I feel like telling that to him, but I am keeping it at NC and BLOCKED.


I know he's single and can do what he wants but it hurts to know that he was literally hitting up women the next day! He couldn't even let time pass. It makes me sick. It makes me sick he doesn't see what I have done for him, and he made me believe, he CONNED THE HELL OUT OF ME that he was definitely done with alcohol and he WILL NEVER go back to that. His behavior towards me I think was a sign that he just wanted to drink and relapse. Because when we got back together he was all spiritual, calm, nice, and loving. It really is scary how he can put on that act and then turn around and act like his old ways and cut the program out of his life. He gave me promise rings and it was a joke to him obviously. I can't tell if he literally lost himself because he wanted to drink? Or that he was a con? Or both? and that makes me really sad because everything was going perfect and then he expressed to me he did have urges, but then he said he contacted his sponsor and he's "fine", but I think he wasn't. I think he just wanted to drink and so he went back to his old ways, and I couldn't handle it anymore.


It just all makes me angry and everyone keeps saying to me "You should feel like a weight is lifted off of you. You should be feeling good you never have to deal with him, you should be feeling relieved." Like I said I am fixated on anger and sadness that someone is treating me so poorly and acting like this is all one big joke. My feelings and all. I think that's why I am not relieved. I am so hurt. I don't know what to do.

Hawkeye13

Don't let yourself "look" at what's going on with him now, either from social media or "friends" who want to tell you the latest and see your reaction.

Don't engage in talk about him, even "supportive" talk like you described. Shut the door firmly.

No new contact = no new hurts.

Why keep tearing the scab off of a wound that needs to close?

trailmix

It doesn't mater what everyone keeps saying to you. You feel the way you feel. While he is no prize as a boyfriend in his current state, you and he had a relationship and he has treated you horribly and you are hurt, that's normal!

It will take time for you to heal from this. Don't expect anything from him, he is obviously on some kind of agenda and he is going to drink and do as he pleases. This is NO reflection on you or anything you did.

Yes, you may have done a million things for him but that's your prerogative to have done them and he obviously can't appreciate those things right now. Maybe some day on reflection he will. Just know that you were kind to someone else, make it about you, not him.

As for the "other women". You know, insulting them won't help you at all. They owe you nothing, exactly zero. They are also not "beneath" you. No one is. That's kind of important. This isn't a competition and if it were, what exactly would you be competing for? They are human beings who are now stuck in his sad game.

Detach, detach, detach. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. You don't feel like you dodged a bullet right now, you don't feel like a "weight has been lifted", of course you don't. You need time to heal and take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

Cyranoak

Do this and I believe you will find serenity.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/