Can l ask a favour
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Posts: 5,103
I think sometimes when we think we’ve really heard all the crazy stuff coming out of their mouths they seem to find a hidden basement filled with more crazy crap.
I think he was testing you by asking you to buy him the brandy when you were heading out to shop. That was probably a surprise which you were not expecting. The good thing is moving forward when he asks you again (because we all know he will) you will be better prepared.
There are going to be a number of surprises you will not be expecting and although they will all have the same theme……….him wanting to drink, you not wanting him to drink, each instance, circumstance and situation will be new to you until it becomes your normal. That is what living with an alcoholic is like.
I think he was testing you by asking you to buy him the brandy when you were heading out to shop. That was probably a surprise which you were not expecting. The good thing is moving forward when he asks you again (because we all know he will) you will be better prepared.
There are going to be a number of surprises you will not be expecting and although they will all have the same theme……….him wanting to drink, you not wanting him to drink, each instance, circumstance and situation will be new to you until it becomes your normal. That is what living with an alcoholic is like.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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It sounds like you are struggling with the complete unmanageabilty of alcoholism. You take a stand (not buying him brandy ) - he gets upset. You express love and compassion - ten minutes later he's angry at you. You try to reason - he brings up some incident that may or may not have happened months ago with his own interpretation of what you were thinking. Nothing that you do produces a positive effect on the alcoholic.
I don't know if you're into Twelve-Step stuff or not, but for me Step One ("We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable") was a big one. To be able to look around and say to myself "Okay, this is a Step One moment - I am in the midst of unmanageability right now" was really big for me.
What you do with the Step One moment is another issue, but sometimes just reminding yourself that this really is crazy and really is impossible to manage or "fix" can bring a little bit of peace.
I don't know if you're into Twelve-Step stuff or not, but for me Step One ("We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable") was a big one. To be able to look around and say to myself "Okay, this is a Step One moment - I am in the midst of unmanageability right now" was really big for me.
What you do with the Step One moment is another issue, but sometimes just reminding yourself that this really is crazy and really is impossible to manage or "fix" can bring a little bit of peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Morning Awal.
Wow. Let me tell you something. You just come here and vent away. We have ALL done it! It's part of our own process, and this forum is a safe place to do so. Don't let anyone else make you feel differently.
I have to agree that he is on the offense. My XAH would always gaslight me in the hopes to deter me from nagging at him for whatever behavior was going on at the time. (Cheating, RX drugs, alcohol, you name it).
That being said, the only way I found peace was in acceptance that no matter how hard I would try, this is his behavior. I could not change it, I could only change my reaction to it. And then I had to work on me and decide if I could live that way for the rest of my life.
I send you big hugs. It's a hard journey, but we are here for you!
Wow. Let me tell you something. You just come here and vent away. We have ALL done it! It's part of our own process, and this forum is a safe place to do so. Don't let anyone else make you feel differently.
I have to agree that he is on the offense. My XAH would always gaslight me in the hopes to deter me from nagging at him for whatever behavior was going on at the time. (Cheating, RX drugs, alcohol, you name it).
That being said, the only way I found peace was in acceptance that no matter how hard I would try, this is his behavior. I could not change it, I could only change my reaction to it. And then I had to work on me and decide if I could live that way for the rest of my life.
I send you big hugs. It's a hard journey, but we are here for you!
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by atalose
I think sometimes when we think we’ve really heard all the crazy stuff coming out of their mouths they seem to find a hidden basement filled with more crazy crap.
I think he was testing you by asking you to buy him the brandy when you were heading out to shop. That was probably a surprise which you were not expecting. The good thing is moving forward when he asks you again (because we all know he will) you will be better prepared.
There are going to be a number of surprises you will not be expecting and although they will all have the same theme……….him wanting to drink, you not wanting him to drink, each instance, circumstance and situation will be new to you until it becomes your normal. That is what living with an alcoholic is like.
I think he was testing you by asking you to buy him the brandy when you were heading out to shop. That was probably a surprise which you were not expecting. The good thing is moving forward when he asks you again (because we all know he will) you will be better prepared.
There are going to be a number of surprises you will not be expecting and although they will all have the same theme……….him wanting to drink, you not wanting him to drink, each instance, circumstance and situation will be new to you until it becomes your normal. That is what living with an alcoholic is like.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
It sounds like you are struggling with the complete unmanageabilty of alcoholism. You take a stand (not buying him brandy ) - he gets upset. You express love and compassion - ten minutes later he's angry at you. You try to reason - he brings up some incident that may or may not have happened months ago with his own interpretation of what you were thinking. Nothing that you do produces a positive effect on the alcoholic.
I don't know if you're into Twelve-Step stuff or not, but for me Step One ("We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable") was a big one. To be able to look around and say to myself "Okay, this is a Step One moment - I am in the midst of unmanageability right now" was really big for me.
What you do with the Step One moment is another issue, but sometimes just reminding yourself that this really is crazy and really is impossible to manage or "fix" can bring a little bit of peace.
I don't know if you're into Twelve-Step stuff or not, but for me Step One ("We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable") was a big one. To be able to look around and say to myself "Okay, this is a Step One moment - I am in the midst of unmanageability right now" was really big for me.
What you do with the Step One moment is another issue, but sometimes just reminding yourself that this really is crazy and really is impossible to manage or "fix" can bring a little bit of peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by honeypig
We do indeed come here to vent at times. But I think, more importantly, we come here to share tools, insights and resources to help us deal w/the problems that someone else's drinking has brought into our lives. We come here to support each other in the use of these tools and resources and to share what we've learned.
Venting is necessary at times. But in the end, it doesn't necessarily contribute to growth, learning or healing. An Alanon meeting that has turned into nothing but a b##ch session has lost its usefulness. Along those lines, I would say that if a member is using SR primarily as a place to blow off steam, he/she is missing out on the real benefits of a place like this.
I don't intend to offend. I hope offense is not taken.
Venting is necessary at times. But in the end, it doesn't necessarily contribute to growth, learning or healing. An Alanon meeting that has turned into nothing but a b##ch session has lost its usefulness. Along those lines, I would say that if a member is using SR primarily as a place to blow off steam, he/she is missing out on the real benefits of a place like this.
I don't intend to offend. I hope offense is not taken.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Yes feel free to vent! This place is also great for keeping a "record" of your journey, that you can go back and read later and realize how much has changed (or hasnt!)
I have noticed a lot of growth in you since you've been posting. This stuff is SO HARD and mentally exhausting. Sending you good thoughts!
I have noticed a lot of growth in you since you've been posting. This stuff is SO HARD and mentally exhausting. Sending you good thoughts!
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
Yes feel free to vent! This place is also great for keeping a "record" of your journey, that you can go back and read later and realize how much has changed (or hasnt!)
I have noticed a lot of growth in you since you've been posting. This stuff is SO HARD and mentally exhausting. Sending you good thoughts!
I have noticed a lot of growth in you since you've been posting. This stuff is SO HARD and mentally exhausting. Sending you good thoughts!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I've found the "why" doesn't really matter until later when I'm able to reflect on things in a healthy way from a distance.
The current issue is complicated by living with an active alcoholic.
Is there anywhere you could go for a week or two?
I thought this was an outrageous suggestion until I finally did it. Two weeks staying with friends gave myself and my son much needed healthy support. It was a turning point in new actions I was willing to take,. For him. For me. In your case, take the dog along and consider it's for both of you.
The current issue is complicated by living with an active alcoholic.
Is there anywhere you could go for a week or two?
I thought this was an outrageous suggestion until I finally did it. Two weeks staying with friends gave myself and my son much needed healthy support. It was a turning point in new actions I was willing to take,. For him. For me. In your case, take the dog along and consider it's for both of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Awal
Thank you. Sometimes l feel like lm getting a grip on it...then l come tumbling down again like l did yesterday. Ive ignored signs of his drinking so many times but why l couldnt yesterday l really dont know. Perhaps the absolute cheek of him asking me to bring booze for him triggered it?
This is all more traumatizing than we give it credit for, I think. I haven't been living with my husband since March--but yesterday, I was cleaning the fridge and noticed a weird substance on top of the butter compartment. It's up high enough that I can't see what's on top of it (I'm short!). What was sitting on top of it? Was he hiding something there? The wave of those thoughts went through my brain before I could even have a rational reaction (like "who cares? it's not there anymore!"). I also had a physical reaction to those thoughts, which lasted a good 10 minutes before my heart rate was back to normal.
Living at that heightened state of awareness can do really weird stuff to your brain. Be gentle on yourself.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
I've found the "why" doesn't really matter until later when I'm able to reflect on things in a healthy way from a distance.
The current issue is complicated by living with an active alcoholic.
Is there anywhere you could go for a week or two?
I thought this was an outrageous suggestion until I finally did it. Two weeks staying with friends gave myself and my son much needed healthy support. It was a turning point in new actions I was willing to take,. For him. For me. In your case, take the dog along and consider it's for both of you.
The current issue is complicated by living with an active alcoholic.
Is there anywhere you could go for a week or two?
I thought this was an outrageous suggestion until I finally did it. Two weeks staying with friends gave myself and my son much needed healthy support. It was a turning point in new actions I was willing to take,. For him. For me. In your case, take the dog along and consider it's for both of you.
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
I don't think you are ever going to be able to IGNORE it. If you want to continue to live with him, I think you'll have to get to a point where you acknowledge that he's drinking and then just ACCEPT it. I don't think that's an easy place to get to--I have not done it--and I don't think that I could!
This is all more traumatizing than we give it credit for, I think. I haven't been living with my husband since March--but yesterday, I was cleaning the fridge and noticed a weird substance on top of the butter compartment. It's up high enough that I can't see what's on top of it (I'm short!). What was sitting on top of it? Was he hiding something there? The wave of those thoughts went through my brain before I could even have a rational reaction (like "who cares? it's not there anymore!"). I also had a physical reaction to those thoughts, which lasted a good 10 minutes before my heart rate was back to normal.
Living at that heightened state of awareness can do really weird stuff to your brain. Be gentle on yourself.
This is all more traumatizing than we give it credit for, I think. I haven't been living with my husband since March--but yesterday, I was cleaning the fridge and noticed a weird substance on top of the butter compartment. It's up high enough that I can't see what's on top of it (I'm short!). What was sitting on top of it? Was he hiding something there? The wave of those thoughts went through my brain before I could even have a rational reaction (like "who cares? it's not there anymore!"). I also had a physical reaction to those thoughts, which lasted a good 10 minutes before my heart rate was back to normal.
Living at that heightened state of awareness can do really weird stuff to your brain. Be gentle on yourself.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Alanon is a huge help and tremendous support. Learning to detach is tough, but Alanon taught me to keep the focus on my own problems and let go of other people. Big hug.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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1. Self care is necessary.
2. Alcoholics are smarter, more capable and resilient than they are often given credit for. So are we.
3. A technique that often helps in pulling out these good qualities in us is called, "step up/step back". As we learn to step back, the alcoholic is required to step up. Honestly, that is part of the good I see in my husband's life as I live separately from him. He is not in recovery. He is capable, smart and ill. These are his things to deal with, not mine. I've tried everything else and it didn't help.
(((hugs)))
2. Alcoholics are smarter, more capable and resilient than they are often given credit for. So are we.
3. A technique that often helps in pulling out these good qualities in us is called, "step up/step back". As we learn to step back, the alcoholic is required to step up. Honestly, that is part of the good I see in my husband's life as I live separately from him. He is not in recovery. He is capable, smart and ill. These are his things to deal with, not mine. I've tried everything else and it didn't help.
(((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by Awal
But focussing on me makes me feel selfish..but l know its what l have to do. I just feel l am stronger than AH...l feel if l think of no.1 l am abandoning him. Hes lonely l know that..and hes hurting. The daughter he idolised has proven herself to be a spoilt brat who hasnt spoken to her dad since May. This cant be helping the situation...
Another thing that is hard for many of us to grasp is that the alcoholic has the right to drink. They have the right to ruin their lives and drink into oblivion. They are adults with free will.
Our job is (constructive selfishness) to figure out what we want, need and can live with in our own lives. Some people do stay with their alcoholics. Many of us leave. Whatever you do it isn't going to be easy.
Keep learning, thinking and detaching to the best of your ability!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I, for one, took a longggg time to understand and make changes. Self care was a foreign concept for me! Eventually, I had to leave my husband. It was extremely painful but also the best thing I ever did.
I had some posters that were kind and gentle and some that I just wanted to ignore. Today, I wouldn't trade any of them. My denial and fear ran deep. I wanted the man I married back and I was going to have that at any cost! Well, I never got him back and it cost me way too much.
Reading Codependent No More was a huge step in the right direction for me. I would also recommend reading this article several times! I had to read it everyday for a while before I could really grasp it....because my husband was the exception, or so I thought.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I had some posters that were kind and gentle and some that I just wanted to ignore. Today, I wouldn't trade any of them. My denial and fear ran deep. I wanted the man I married back and I was going to have that at any cost! Well, I never got him back and it cost me way too much.
Reading Codependent No More was a huge step in the right direction for me. I would also recommend reading this article several times! I had to read it everyday for a while before I could really grasp it....because my husband was the exception, or so I thought.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Originally Posted by Awal
But focussing on me makes me feel selfish..but l know its what l have to do. I just feel l am stronger than AH...l feel if l think of no.1 l am abandoning him. Hes lonely l know that..and hes hurting. The daughter he idolised has proven herself to be a spoilt brat who hasnt spoken to her dad since May. This cant be helping the situation...
After he died I was talking to my (very cranky) Aunt (his Sister). She was angry at me for not speaking to him for a year and did I know how hurtful that was!!
Well, that wasn't my problem. My problem was I was tired of it all, so I took a break.
My point is, outside looking at a relationship is not accurate. If people saw you two 10 times a year at the local football game and the party afterward they would probably think you are a happy couple too! At home you are having to call him to tell him no Brandy and almost having a panic attack doing it. You have a story too.
His excuse of drinking because of his Daughter is really - untrue by the way.
He drinks because he wants to. No more, no less. His "spoilt brat" Daughter is silent, he has a wife that loves him and treats him well and still he drinks.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I am guessing this is an Adult Daughter. She grew up with an alcoholic. Perhaps she has a story too. I say this because I didn't speak to my Father for a year once.
After he died I was talking to my (very cranky) Aunt (his Sister). She was angry at me for not speaking to him for a year and did I know how hurtful that was!!
Well, that wasn't my problem. My problem was I was tired of it all, so I took a break.
My point is, outside looking at a relationship is not accurate. If people saw you two 10 times a year at the local football game and the party afterward they would probably think you are a happy couple too! At home you are having to call him to tell him no Brandy and almost having a panic attack doing it. You have a story too.
His excuse of drinking because of his Daughter is really - untrue by the way.
He drinks because he wants to. No more, no less. His "spoilt brat" Daughter is silent, he has a wife that loves him and treats him well and still he drinks.
After he died I was talking to my (very cranky) Aunt (his Sister). She was angry at me for not speaking to him for a year and did I know how hurtful that was!!
Well, that wasn't my problem. My problem was I was tired of it all, so I took a break.
My point is, outside looking at a relationship is not accurate. If people saw you two 10 times a year at the local football game and the party afterward they would probably think you are a happy couple too! At home you are having to call him to tell him no Brandy and almost having a panic attack doing it. You have a story too.
His excuse of drinking because of his Daughter is really - untrue by the way.
He drinks because he wants to. No more, no less. His "spoilt brat" Daughter is silent, he has a wife that loves him and treats him well and still he drinks.
He has probably always been a big drinker...but he would have hidden it from his little princess...she was on the highest pedestal ever as a child. AH doesn't like people who answer back...hence the dog is now on that pedestal. He is a very complex man...l saw a little crack in his barrier wall on Sunday when he allowed a few tears to fall, but he soon flipped to the other nasty persona probably realising he had let his guard down. There is something haunting him...in his past...something he is deeply ashamed of, well that's my guess anyway.
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