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Old 06-18-2019, 09:37 PM   #161 (permalink)
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You had a dream for a while. It was lovely...but then you woke up because thatís what you have to do to live real life.

Youíre doing fine. Be kind to yourself.
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Old 06-19-2019, 08:36 PM   #162 (permalink)
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Hi Everyone and Hi Meadow,

My raging Husband, he has good and bad days this past fathers day was not a good one. Our Adult daughters are still not talking to him and so they did not even send him a Happy Fathers Day text. I called and pleaded with them both but they said No, they say that he was not a good father and he does not deserve a "Happy Fathers Day." I love our daughters and yes I have a good relationship with them, but I can not make them wish their father a "Happy Fathers Day."

So guess what, My husband, he Raged and Raged about not getting "Happy Father Day" wishes from our daughters. He raged at me for raising ungrateful daughters, Wow, This whole thing makes me so sick and sad.

I know I can not fix , only God can do that, so I do pray a lot.

Also I always remind myself -
"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath." by Eckhart Tolle
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Old 06-20-2019, 04:46 AM   #163 (permalink)
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Hi Everyone and Hi Meadow,

My raging Husband, he has good and bad days this past fathers day was not a good one. Our Adult daughters are still not talking to him and so they did not even send him a Happy Fathers Day text. I called and pleaded with them both but they said No, they say that he was not a good father and he does not deserve a "Happy Fathers Day." I love our daughters and yes I have a good relationship with them, but I can not make them wish their father a "Happy Fathers Day."

So guess what, My husband, he Raged and Raged about not getting "Happy Father Day" wishes from our daughters. He raged at me for raising ungrateful daughters, Wow, This whole thing makes me so sick and sad.

I know I can not fix , only God can do that, so I do pray a lot.

Also I always remind myself -
"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath." by Eckhart Tolle
Tolle is right, but you are not an emotional punching bag. Your husband was there too, or maybe not because he was drinking instead of parenting?

Your daughters are being honest. It was your own fear of him yelling at you that perhaps was the reason you tried to make them say something that wasn't their truth?

Tolle would say what to that?

So sorry you are living with this
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 06-20-2019, 04:02 PM   #164 (permalink)
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Thankyou Hawkeye13 for your reply.

Thank you for your kindness.

I know I can not fix, Only God can do that, so I pray a lot!

"It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness." Ė Confucius
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Old 06-21-2019, 09:49 PM   #165 (permalink)
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I am so happy with how I am doing after breaking up with L. Now of course something else has come up to ruin things. I work for a small non profit and one of the Board members keeps yelling at me and accusing me of not doing my job right... gossiping and breaking confidentiality. So not true. He only hears what he wants and berates me. I cannot sleep very well and feel ill. I think some of it is that part of me is still healing from the abuse. That is why it affects me this way. I sent an email telling him his yelling makes me uncomfortable and that I would like to clear the air. he did not reply. I am sure there will be an explosion on Monday.
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Old 06-22-2019, 03:49 AM   #166 (permalink)
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Hi Meadow, when I had a similar situation I was terribly stressed out. I sought advice from some colleagues whose opinions I trusted. They knew people in HR who also gave good advice.
Do you have a manager you can go to to preempt him moving against you? Spend time on the weekend putting together a list of incidents, to get them on paper and bring them to mind when you're stressed. . Practice what you're going to say so you don't clam up because you're emotional.
I don't know what labour laws you work under, but hopefully you have some rights, and the board will not want to be sued later on. Information is everything. Good luck.
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Old 06-22-2019, 06:29 AM   #167 (permalink)
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Thanks Feelinggreat, the thing is, I am the manager and only employee in the office. There is one other employee who does maintenance. Yes there is anti bullying legislation and there is a policy in place. Previous Boards have stepped up to bullies so I am not worried there... it's just getting there is what I fear. So uncomfortable to be in that position. Its compounded anxiety with all the other unpleasant things on my life although I am getting stronger. Thank you for your post and reminding me I do have rights.
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Old 06-22-2019, 11:53 PM   #168 (permalink)
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I cannot do this.
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Old 06-23-2019, 12:07 AM   #169 (permalink)
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Meadow, I understand what you mean.

You have these burdens and concerns and things that you are dealing with. Handling one really tough person/situation is more than you can take sometimes.

Add one more really stressful event and you ask, how am I supposed to do THIS. It makes you feel just awful. The fact that you now have to actually proceed to do what needs to be done to fix it, must seem incredibly overwhelming. It has to happen but you don't feel that you can deal.

This is the time to rally support. Post here often. Call friends and family to discuss the issue (more than once if necessary). If you attend a group like Al-Anon or any other group, make as many meetings as you can.

Although this is not alcohol related, Al Anon is about support and tools and can help you deal with all things.

Anyway, I think that is the most important thing right now. No need to carry these burdens alone.

Can you pass this situation on to someone else and avoid being too involved? Can you take any time off right now, even a day or two to take some time for yourself? Whatever helps.
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:07 AM   #170 (permalink)
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I'm also an alcoholic. I have never raged at someone, or put someone down, until I was being verbally abused for hours. I had no coping skills. Didn't know how to handle things and after being followed around for hours and hours, I would go off also.

I am one that believes that alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate things. You don't need to be an alcoholic to be abusive, and you don't have to be abusive just because you're an alcoholic. Like I said, 2 separate things.

My ex use to only abuse me when he was drinking. I allowed it, and excused it. Then he didn't even need to be drinking, and he would still be abusive.

When I said things escalate, I did mean that. What was started as emotional abuse, turned into verbal abuse, turned into financial abuse, etc..., turned into physical abuse. Been through it all. It's all about control. it's about the control that they need to exert to keep you in line and for you to be to afraid to leave.

I know you told him to leave, and I am so happy that you did, I think you are getting the responses that are you, is because you let him come back, and he did the same thing.

They will chip away at your self esteem and self confidence piece by piece. Like vampires. They say that you have a tank inside yourself and that you should have it filled with love for yourself, and perhaps give 1/4 of that to another person (not talking about your own children here) and that the 1/4 you give away should be replenished by the other person.

How much is this person replenishing your love tank, or is he draining it, where you are no longer able to love yourself?

The reason that I come to this forum and still post here is because I don't want anyone to hurt the way that I did.

((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I love this love tank analogy Amy. Thank you
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:25 AM   #171 (permalink)
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Thanks Feelinggreat, the thing is, I am the manager and only employee in the office. There is one other employee who does maintenance. Yes there is anti bullying legislation and there is a policy in place. Previous Boards have stepped up to bullies so I am not worried there... it's just getting there is what I fear. So uncomfortable to be in that position. Its compounded anxiety with all the other unpleasant things on my life although I am getting stronger. Thank you for your post and reminding me I do have rights.
it sounds like you might be like me and fear conflict. Perhaps a bit of anger is in order? Can you document everything that has happened and send an email to all the board members? Perhaps asking advice from pervious board members you trust? The nice thing about email is that you have time to type it out and come back later and re-read and edit if need be.
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Old 06-23-2019, 10:51 AM   #172 (permalink)
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Yes Clover71, I fear conflict to the point it paralyzes me. I cannot defend myself properly when confronted with BS I just feel backed in a corner. If I had strength to stand up to him, it would be in a calm manner. I do not yell or swear. My hope is to come to an understanding, learn and move forward but..... the fear shuts off my brain. Time will tell tomorrow when I get to work what will happen. I know most of the other directors will have my back. Some may be intimidated by him as well. We do have an anti bullying policy in place so he should know better.
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Old 06-23-2019, 03:01 PM   #173 (permalink)
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Yes Clover71, I fear conflict to the point it paralyzes me. I cannot defend myself properly when confronted with BS I just feel backed in a corner. If I had strength to stand up to him, it would be in a calm manner. I do not yell or swear. My hope is to come to an understanding, learn and move forward but..... the fear shuts off my brain. Time will tell tomorrow when I get to work what will happen. I know most of the other directors will have my back. Some may be intimidated by him as well. We do have an anti bullying policy in place so he should know better.
I wish you well. Walking in eggshells again has to be hard. I had one of those at work. Thank god she quit. My friend told me I had to stand up to her and talk to her like she did to me. I didn't trust that I wouldn't be labeled the bully.

Im glad to see you are otherwise better. Long journey.
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:06 PM   #174 (permalink)
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I hate conflict too. But the constant walking on eggshells and hoping it can just all be OK again will make you physically ill. (Hello, ulcers!)
Record his rant, rages etc. on your cell phone.
He sounds like a narcissist, sociopath or just a plain ol' ugly person. Not your problem. Just get the proof, if possible.
Like a typical bully, he will back down if confronted.
I wish you the very best.
OH! One other thing that has helped me dealing with bullies like this is....smile and think "F YOU". I think they can see the defiance in your eyes or something. Maybe not, but might make you feel better?

I'm kind of kidding but not really.
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:17 PM   #175 (permalink)
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We do have an anti bullying policy in place so he should know better.

He DOES know better but has gotten away with this far too long. Other directors are even intimidated by him?
You need to ask the other directors who is more important for this job. You or a man-child. I doubt a man of little to no character, like him, will help a small non-profit in the long run.
You CAN do this!
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Old 06-27-2019, 07:35 PM   #176 (permalink)
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I did it friends! I faced the work week strong knowing I was right and stood my ground. He conceded. Did not apologize but I could tell he knew he was wrong so..... going forward if this ever happens again I will politely ask him to leave and return when he can talk in a calm, respectful manner. I can do it!
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Old 06-27-2019, 08:26 PM   #177 (permalink)
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I really am happy to hear this, that's a weight off your shoulders. You're right, for someone like that it is probably next to impossible for him to admit he was wrong, but you and he both know it so going forward he will no doubt try to rein it in.

Barring that, you have a plan!
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Old 06-28-2019, 05:32 AM   #178 (permalink)
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Youíre a superhero. Bravo!!!

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Old 06-28-2019, 06:31 AM   #179 (permalink)
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There is the same drunk words sober thoughts
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Old 09-30-2019, 09:06 AM   #180 (permalink)
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Hi All, just checking in after a long silent period. I am doing okay! I have not gone back to him but I did stupidly return his calls thinking I could help him as a friend. And it went well until...... well you know the story. Did not hurt me the way it used to. Nothing I can do, I tried with pure kindness. I am going to get out and about again. I am ready to move on, a date would be nice! Hope you all had a nice summer. xo
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