Meadow123

Hi LadyD

I too have felt the need or responsibility to fix someone else. I felt I must save my XAB because I thought if I did he would turn into the man I want him to be which is just the good side. Believe me the good side was like a fantasy come true that is why I fought so hard. Not nearly as long as you but looking back now each minute when he was raging felt like a year. We cannot fix anyone. I am understanding that better which is helping the hurt subside. Stay strong, reach out to those who care including us on this forum.

Meadow123

I know it's not me... deep down I do but am having a bit of a weepy moment right now. I am having a difficult time eating today. Started out well but am feeling lonely at the moment. It will pass. I cannot understand how anyone can be so mean.

Meadow123

I know it's not me... deep down I do but am having a bit of a weepy moment right now. I am having a difficult time eating today. Started out well but am feeling lonely at the moment. It will pass. I cannot understand how anyone can be so mean.

Ariesagain

Ice cream. From the carton with a very large spoon.

The meanness is a tactic, conscious or not, to try to goad you into a response, any response. Or he’s just dumping his self-hatred on you. Or both.

It doesn’t matter because mean and vicious is not what you want in your life.

This will pass. Deep breaths, yes?

Meadow123

Yes.. breathing. I had yogurt instead of ice cream. Meanness is not in my nature one bit... I take it very hard when directed at me but I do know deep down its him not me. Thank you.

Meadow123

I woke this morning to see 5 attempts to call me at 1:45 am. The number is blocked so I did not hear it.. no voice mail. I started to feel sorry for him so I read some of the nasty texts and the sorrow was gone. I will keep the text messages to read anytime I feel sorrow or pity for him.

amy55

I also kept old text messages and old voicemails and whenever I felt like I needed to hear his voice, I read the messages or listened to the old voicemails. They were old so I knew I would sound crazy responding to them now, and after reading or listening to messages, I would realize I wasn't missing anything at all.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

Ariesagain

I’m so glad you didn’t answer it!

Multiple calls at 1:45 a.m. is...

1) a massive drunk in progress

2) a booty call

3) All of the above.

He doesn’t have a key to your place, does he?

Stay strong. Some things in life aren’t meant to be long-term. It was great while it was great, but now It really really isn’t.

One more thought...it’s pretty typical for the first part to be magical, because normal people who are entering a relationship take their time and proceed carefully, which is healthy.

With an addict, that distance is built in...he’s already in a committed relationship with alcohol. So they throw themselves into a charm assault. It’s a lot like getting wooed by a married man. I wish I could tell you I didn’t know that!

Hang in there, good woman. March on.

Amaranth

I recorded myself on a good day telling myself why it's time to let get of my husband. I listen to it when I miss him and my mind starts straying to ideas (fantasies) of us getting back together. When I am feeling sad and lonely these fantasies seem like quite good ideas.

When I listen to the recording of strong, happy me telling myself to let go, it's so much more powerful than reading his old nasty messages. Yes, his messages reinforce the fact that I can't be with him but leave me feeling sad and hurt.

Listening to myself also reinforces that I can't be with him but leaves me feeling hopeful and confident that I can have good days. Some days I don't recognise that person, me, but is definitely me and I'm sometimes surprised by how together I sound!!

Meadow123

No key.... and we never lived together. He is about 20 km away so not too close. I hope he can get the help he needs .. he knows what is right and wrong but he cannot control his emotions. Sad because there is a good man in there somewhere and he is the only one who can help himself.

Meadow123

I took really good care of myself today so far. Morning coffee, a few chores, walk to the river where I sat and read for an hour, total walk about 1 hour, home for a pilates workout, a snack, a nap then I baked pizza muffins. Now just making caesar salad and bbq salmon. My son is with his dad tonight so probably Netflix and popcorn! How did you all spend your Sunday?

FeelingGreat

Hi Meadow, you are fighting the good fight. Even though you might not feel you're making progress every little bit adds up.
I have a thing about people who 'cannot control their emotions'. They actually control them all the time, but they choose when and how. They might be model employee, so they are controlling themselves at work. Or they might be the perfect son or daughter.
Just saying people shouldn't get a pass on the grounds that they can't control themselves. Worst case, they can leave, expend some emotion on an inanimate object, on their own.

FeelingGreat

I couldn't resist telling you I spent Sunday on the couch with a tummy upset and bad cold. Fishing for sympathy in fact, lol.

pdm22

Hey, I love this idea. It reminds me of an exercise from one of the John Bradshaw books. He’s the one from the “inner child” concept and has a ton of excellent books (Healing The Shame That Binds You; Homecoming, etc).

Anyways, if there are any traumatic childhood memories that the mind goes back to, he has this exercise where you imagine yourself as you are now as an adult, going back to that moment when you were a child, and helping yourself out. I found myself using this exercise for so many experiences in my life, including from my teenage years, and some young adult experiences too, times when I really could have used some guidance.

And if in present time you are dealing with some situation or someone who may be hurting you, what better way to boost your confidence, than having the wiser side of you step in and help you out, and telling you, YOU CAN DO IT! I really like this .

Meadow123

so sorry... it was a beautiful day where I live. Hope you feel better soon and wherever you are, you have beautiful sunny days to look forward to.

amy55

Thanks for checking in. You did really good today. Hope you are enjoying that Netflix movie. I've been going back and forth tonight between Hallmark, Lifetime, and HGTV. Did some yard work today. I have several shrubs that are just overgrown, and needed to cut them back a bit. My dogs loved taking the branches and running around the yard with them. It was cloudy almost all day, but I enjoyed it that way with doing work.

FeelingGreat, hope you feel better soon.

amy

Meadow123

The i miss you and love you texts started (in the blocked folder). I will not respond. I feel sad for him so I read the nasty ones and it is working. He does not deserve me!

Ariesagain

Excellent. Well done!

Every day your self-respect will get a little stronger. It’s like weight lifting!

Sleep well, warrior woman! I’m glad you had a good day!

amy55

Yes, no one really wants to get on that roller coaster of I love you one day, or one minute, the next is I hate you. You're doing really good.

Sending ((((((((hugs))))))))
I know this is not easy, but it is something you need to do for your own self-respect.

amy

Ladyd7777

Hi Everyone and Hi Meadow,

Thank you everyone for your kind welcome and responses to my post about my husband who rages.

Also Thank you for the reminder that the only one we can fix is ourselves. I needed that reminder!

Also Thank you Meadow for starting this Trend. I will pray for you.

I do believe in the power of prayer, and I do notice that my husband Rages less when I do. You might want to try praying for your raging man too.

"We are each of us angels with only one wing,
to fly we need only embrace each other."