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Does She? Scared to stay scarier to leave

Old 11-02-2018, 05:52 PM
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Does She? Scared to stay scarier to leave

I have not posted in quite awhile, but have been checking in by reading different forums off and on since I first originally posted. I have finally faced that I have hit my own rock bottom. No huge earth shattering chaos but just the more of the same. I have waited until he was back on his feet health wise and wanted to hold out until some perfect scenario but what I am asking for is a new alcohol induced drama by staying. I read about the new chaos and drama that could happen when I do fly the coop and honestly F.E.A.R. is holding me back. Please, need all the words of wisdom I can get:
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Old 11-03-2018, 07:22 AM
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What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid of him drinking more/going in to a bigger decline or are you afraid for yourself? Is there violence or abuse?
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Old 11-03-2018, 08:05 AM
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OK so you want to go, but you can't quite get the courage up. How about taking it a step at a time.
Have you got your finances together?
What about a place to live?
Have you started getting rid of excess stuff in preparation for a move?

You don't have to leave tomorrow, but you can start getting ready.
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Old 11-03-2018, 08:53 AM
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I am afraid of the irrational and rational. What will happen? This constant loop of every horrible thing. No physical abuse but emotionally I am drained. And yes I fear physical abuse when I leave. If he was sober--no. I do not trust blackout behavior. I have been working on taking care of all I can finance wise. Wish I was in a better place with it but actually the longer I wait the greater likelihood it will just get worse some new drama will cause even greater financial strain. My heart pounds with anxiety.
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Old 11-03-2018, 08:57 AM
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Your first step should be to contact your local women's shelter.

They can help you plan a safe exit and give you general support.

I agree don't wait--you will only get more enmeshed as he spirals down again.
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Old 11-03-2018, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DShe View Post
I am afraid of the irrational and rational. What will happen? This constant loop of every horrible thing. No physical abuse but emotionally I am drained. And yes I fear physical abuse when I leave. If he was sober--no. I do not trust blackout behavior. I have been working on taking care of all I can finance wise. Wish I was in a better place with it but actually the longer I wait the greater likelihood it will just get worse some new drama will cause even greater financial strain. My heart pounds with anxiety.
You should absolutely contact your local domestic violence center. You can get more information here:

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1−800−799−7233

Please don't be afraid to call them, this is what they do, they are professionals and deal with this every day. If you just want to chat or get local contact details you don't even need to tell them your name.

They will give you a plan to get out safely.

When you feeling afraid there is no reason not to reach out for help. There are people out here that want to help you and that care, you aren't alone.

As you said, you are emotionally drained and that won't get better staying as you are. It's probably why you have stayed as long as you have? Emotional abuse is still abuse.

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Do you have any trusted family members you can stay with, even short term? That might enable you to make a quick exit right now to someplace safe. Definitely make that call though and get their advice, for your own peace of mind if nothing else.

They are open 24 hours a day every day.
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Old 11-03-2018, 11:59 AM
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Hi Dshe,

Welcome back. I'm glad you're here.

Any new, healthy actions tend to help.

Picking up the phone to call a DV help hotline. Meeting healthy counselors and therapists, and making use of their time, knowledge, wisdom and insights. The same with Alanon meetings and a sponsor.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

(((hugs)))
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Old 11-04-2018, 06:42 AM
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I started to slowly gather some things in case a quick exit is needed. I also started researching the ramifications of leaving vs an ex parta. I know at this point I do not have the courage to do an ex parta. I have a place to stay if needed. I also started a laundry list for no one (at this point) but me. So I can have it in black and white as why I need to leave. Feels good to just get it out. Something pops up and I put it down instead of these ideas just swimming in my brain. I have not contacted anyone as I have not had any private time to do it. Thank you for the advice and support. I appreciate it!
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:37 PM
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Good luck. I planned for a while, took all my important documents, pictures, etc to a family members home months before I filed. He went to work one day, I loaded up my car with most of my clothes and every day items and left. Called him , told him and have haven't seen him since the day I left. I had already filed so it was just a matter of days before he would be served and didn’t want to be around for that. The one good thing I had going for me is I can support myself financially, we had no children together , we had everything but the house in our own names even our own checking accounts. My best advice is to plan it out and be safe.
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Old 11-05-2018, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by DShe View Post
I started to slowly gather some things in case a quick exit is needed. I also started researching the ramifications of leaving vs an ex parta. I know at this point I do not have the courage to do an ex parta. I have a place to stay if needed. I also started a laundry list for no one (at this point) but me. So I can have it in black and white as why I need to leave. Feels good to just get it out. Something pops up and I put it down instead of these ideas just swimming in my brain. I have not contacted anyone as I have not had any private time to do it. Thank you for the advice and support. I appreciate it!
Planning and figuring out the what-ifs is a great idea - you don't have to make a decision right away, but when you do it will be a very informed decision. Knowledge is empowerment.
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Old 11-05-2018, 01:41 PM
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I think it's great it you can plan. I will leave a couple of things I had done if there were a just in case situation.

I kept all the legal documents at my work (I have a private, secure office). This way, XAH could not have run off with all of our documents and leave me w/out them. I made sure I had backup people who were aware of my situation who knew the severity of the situation and that if I called and said I needed help could come, NOW. I have heard recommended to keep an extra cell phone and set of keys to all vehicles and home outside of the home, as well as a packed bag.
I also removed all pictures I knew I wanted to keep as I knew my XAH was in no condition to preserve those for either of us. I did go back later after he was more stable in his own home and gave him many photos. I made sure my children's schools were aware of what was happening and that they should not release my children to my XAH, that if he were to come and demand to pick them up that they can stall and call me. They were very supportive of that.
I also made sure I had some money set aside.

Mostly, I made sure I had a support system. That is very important for your own sanity and well being.

Big hugs, we are here for you!
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Old 11-07-2018, 10:46 AM
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Planning is good: getting your finances in order, looking for options for housing and support.

Sending you strength and support. Remember to breathe. Nice deep breaths. When we're feeling anxious we tend to breath much more shallowly or even hold our breath. Focusing on breathing can help stall the anxiousness, which in turn lets you keep on with planning and getting ready for the next step.

((((hugs))))
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Old 11-08-2018, 06:36 AM
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When I hit rock bottom , I nothing nothing else but the fact that I could not keep living like that anymore . The hardest thing for me to do was to get my mind together to get everything in order because I was an emotional mess. That is where my support system came in. A friend who had been in a similar situation prepared a to do list for me . I just got one small thing or two done slowly - whatever I could manage. A place to live and finances will be the most important thing unless you're in immediate threat of physical harm. Get all your important documents together and keep it at work or at a friends place. Try and keep the identity of these friends as anonymous as possible from him . Get an extra cell phone or changed your plan if you can without him knowing. That was the first place I went to after leaving - got out of the family plan and got my own. Keep extra set of keys for your vehicle ag work and an extra set of keys to the house. I was too scared to ever go back to get anything that I had left behind so I made peace with it. If you have a job, my recommendation would be to keep working and go for counseling. The grief is still lingering for me and my colleagues and work kept me afloat. I am not sure if you're married but if you are, you should have your lawyer on board from now on and keep her in the loop for everything. If you have kids, your safety and theirs comes first. Do the 90/90 for alanon and make those rooms your second home. I had 5 people come in and move all my stuff out while he was at work . There was no physical abuse in my marriage towards the end but the emotional abuse was unbearable. I left him a handwritten letter when I left but I wouldn't recommend putting anything in writing . I don't know his personality but anything and everything can be used against you if he decides to fight this . At the end of the day I realized that everything else was replaceable but if I lost my mental health , I would be destroyed and I came very close to self destruction. Support group, support group support group is all that I would say.
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Old 11-11-2018, 06:41 PM
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Thank you for all for sharing. Some things like photos I had not considered. I went through this week one day, one step at a time. I have put together some outfits in the closet that I could grab if I needed with one fell swoop. I have important jewlery, credit cards, my checks, and some documents at work. I set up my bank statements to be sent to my work email, too. I have some cash but have some extra headed my way at the end of the month that will be earmarked for staying afloat when the time comes. I also looked hard at the finances to plan on paying off as much debt as possible with our combined income by the end of the year. My anxiety has lessened tremendously the more planning I have done.
Next step is the hardest for me: to find solid in person emotional support. I have many friends that would be there for me in a minute, but honestly I dont want to let them down by "not getting off the pot" yet again! Due to my schedule and my location Alanon in person is very limited. I am a half hour from a once a week meeting that I have attended in the past and it is the only one offered in our area. Online may have to be as good as it gets for this moment.

I have read many new threads here on SR and while sometimes it is heartbreaking reading how many are hurting, the support is always overwhelming.
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Old 11-11-2018, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by DShe View Post
My anxiety has lessened tremendously the more planning I have done.
So glad to hear this. Yes, making a plan, taking small steps, helps. I'm so glad it is making you feel like you are on more solid footing (which you are!).

You are certainly not powerless here, look how much you have accomplished in such a short time.

Could you perhaps choose one friend to rely on? Your closest most trusted friend? Or maybe two, the ones that truly "get it".

Of course you always have SR, don't hesitate to post as much as you need to. Ask questions if you feel like it, many here have been in your same position. If you need support or just want to vent.

Not sure if you were able to call DV yet? There are counsellors there to talk to as well and good support they can put you in touch with. They may also have suggestions for you that you haven't thought of.
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Old 11-12-2018, 03:29 AM
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Well done DShe, with all your preparations, and with the fact that your anxiety is reducing. I think you can't have enough knowledge and contingency planning in place so that when you go, you'll know exactly what to do.

If you don't want to confide in a friend, maybe someone at a DV helpline? I'm not sure if you've contacted any services in this area, but reading in your OP that there's a chance of violence, I hope you take that precaution.
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