Eauchiche

Dear Pathwaytofree

Your screen name says it all. You simply have to walk that path.

I DID take that pathway twice over the past 4-1/2 years.

Your slavery to them is completely voluntary. You are getting something out of staying with them. Maybe it is a false sense of security. Maybe you just don't want to be alone for the holidays.

In my FOO's case, I went no contact almost 2-1/2 years ago. Since then, their craziness has escalated. All one of my siblings has to do now is threaten me with violence and I can get a restraining order against her. She has already met all the other conditions. If she meets the final condition, I WILL get a restraining order that very day.

Today, I value my peace of mind. I have been able to grow in amazing ways since going no contact with them.

I hope you have the courage to walk through that open door in your jail cell. Just start walking, and don't look back.

Pathwaytofree

It's difficult to explain.
I think it's that I'm angry at myself for caring so much, and for not being able to deal with this like other people can.

I was a good kid. They didn't think so. Anytime I tried to be an individual in the smallest way, I was punished and told I was being bad. Yes, I am angry that I couldn't just not give a sh*t and stand up for myself no matter the consequences. My cousin even once told me when I was a teen (he knew very little of what was really going on behind closed doors) "PTF, you stand up to your mother, but then you always end up giving in." Yeah, I learned that from my father. I no longer do that, however. But I wish I was stronger back then.

How do I "shake it off"?
Whenever I become angry at the abuse and the abuser, I then become a blaming victim. And my sister then says stuff like "you blame mom on everything that goes wrong with your life". Well, yeah, the blame IS on her, as it should be. It's not easy to overcome that sort of childhood.

My therapist fortunately explained this recently. It's frustrating whenever someone talks to me about their own family, and when I talk to them about mine, they are viewing when I am saying from their experiences and their 12-step work. It happened recently with someone who meant well. Fortunately my therapist said "he's not as psychologically evolved to see things from a different perspective than from his own experience" or something like that. That was helpful.

You make good points. I have to mull this over.

That is EXACTLY how it is. I know in my heart it's like Stolkholm Syndrome or something.

I didn't make ANY progress in therapy until I went VLC and then they went NC. I kept looking for validation of all the craziness. I don't think my past therapists all understood what was going on, because it was all so hard to explain. Saying "She beat me" would've been so much easier. I do not mean in any way to minimize those who are physically beaten. I mean that that sort of abuse would've easier to verbalize. My mother's physical abuse sucked but it wasn't as painful as the mental abuse. She went for the hair, ears, cornering and trapping me in the car, in a room or by furniture, slapping, screaming till my ears rung, spitting because of screaming so loudly, making out of control movements at me as if she was going to completely lose her sh*t on me--anything that wouldn't leave a black and blue--she was a smart borderline.

And then when the NC stops and slowly like the frog in the boiling water, everything starts up again--the phone calls, the emails, the secrets, the lies, all start up again and I'm dragged back into the role they need me to play (the crazy one; the sick one). My sponsee recently told me that her therapist said "It's the healthy one that go to therapy." I loved that she told me that. The sick crazy BPD/NPD people are the ones who think they are fine, nothing's wrong with them, and it's everyone else who is crazy.

Recently I got a sense that my one sibling who is sort of mini-me of my mother started to go to therapy again (she goes for situational stuff but as zero self-awareness and is an arrogant, cold, judgemental b*tch). I'm sure she sits there and talks about her "crazy siblings" and "how to handle us", as she sits on a throne as if absolutely nothing is wrong with her. But I know I shouldn't even care about this. If she has a sh*tty therapist who can't see through her b.s., whatever. But if she has a skilled therapist who can see her disgusting narcissism and queen/witch borderline behavior, then perhaps she'll actually develop some self awareness of what a horrible person she is and learn to actually develop the skill to say "I'm sorry" and "I was wrong".

You are lucky no one in your family questioned it, punished you for it, or made you feel guilty. Were you able to work on yourself during the break, or were you overwhelmed with thoughts of you being a horrible son for going no-contact?

Thanks, trailmix. I always get a lot out of your posts.

Pathwaytofree

It's awful how it all just comes back. I'm much less emotional about it these days, but it still gets stuck in my head.

That's a joke and will NEVER happen. I just read an article online written by a psychologist about people who are too rigid to forgive. The examples he gave were peanuts compared with the type of stuff my FOO has done to me without forgiveness. Not only is there never any asking of forgiveness, or even acknowledging their hurt and mistakes, but it's always blamed back on me.

I've actually posted on SR to help people understand about forgiveness. But when sh*t starts happening again in the present moment, it's like the mind-muscle memory of the past abuse comes back. AA talks about letting go of the anger because it's only hurting US, but it's not always easy to do.

I can help with this one. A therapist once told me to not expect rational or logical behavior from irrational and illogical people. When I learned to stop asking "why", look for reasons, or people-please myself to death to try to stop the abuse, things got easier for me. My father and I used to have a good relationship, but my mother gaslighted me to him like mad, so eventually he started to believe everything she said to him about me. Which is a shame, because his mother was also evil and gaslighted him to everyone in the family so you'd think he'd know better. Whatever.

I don't care anymore that I'm not loved. I stopped looking for love from these people who don't love themselves and cannot love others. What I thought was love that I saw, was not love at all, but the sick, twisted enmeshment by these type of people.

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That's interesting you've read that. I haven't. I will definitely check out the books you recommended. I have been trying lately to not read self-help books because they reopen wounds. But I'm going to check these out and read them without bringing up the emotional pain from the past.

That is EXACTLY my experience. I don't know how to not take on the blame and just observe it from non-attachment.

Mango212

Psychological and emotional abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

When Parents Still Abuse Their Adult Children - Role Reboot

Mango212

I don't know about NC; when I've done it, I've been blamed, when they do it, it's still my fault.

That is EXACTLY my experience. I don't know how to not take on the blame and just observe it from non-attachment.


During No Contact, as any issues like this come up, we can learn to deal with them one step at a time, with support. The whole purpose is to give space to heal, to break these trauma bonds and have freedom from our abusers.

One technique to deal with these past events is to meditate and visualize dealing with one of them with a new skill we've gained along the way.

Pathwaytofree

Well said. Focusing on the present moment is helpful.

I have done a lot of that. It's just hard to do because I think "What if I'm going to regret donating this when they die and I can never get it back again." Then there's the societal b.s. thoughts that hit you when you throw away your high school and college year book and sh*t like that.

And this is exactly what I am trying to work on in therapy right now.

I am happy for you that you're experiencing this. I hope I will have this for myself as well one day.

Mango it sounds like your inner compass has led you to a healthy and supportive place. That is fantastic. Don't look back.

Pathwaytofree

You're right. :-) I get stuck in my head trying to make sense of what can't be made sense of, and then I lose my way on that path.

It gives me hope and strength to read about other's hope and strength.

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It's hard to hear that, but I know it's true. An ex boyfriend from decades ago was even able to see this, through my facade of acting like everything at home was fine. He compared it to an elephant no longer being in chains but thinking that it is.

Honestly it makes me angry to read "you are getting something out of staying with them" because I hate every second of dealing with their insanity. Maybe it is a false sense of security. A feeling that "this is my family". A fear of being completely alone in this world because without family, what do you have? I'm used to not being with family over the holidays. I have to remind myself to not read stuff on facebook or look at photos, and that facebook is a big fake life. I have to stop feeding into the sadness and tell myself that I do have the power to make my holidays happy without family.

That's exactly what happened to me. Then it went quiet because they were "punishing" me and knew I'd be hurt by not being invited to family functions. But then it all started up again, like the winds you experience before a storm.

Wow I am sorry it's that bad for you. I've been threatened but not directly. It's hard to explain the words that were used but I knew the meaning behind them, if that makes sense. No police officer would get it, though. I recently told a family member about one of the threats from decades ago. I don't know if he believed me, or if he will be gaslighted by them if he confronts them with what I said. I told him a secret that I was threatened about if I said anything. I said it to the probably the last person they'd want to know the truth. But I am so tired of the abuse, the memories, the secrets, the lies, the covert threats, etc. I was finally able to tell a friend of mine recently that ever since I was a child, I sensed that my mother was holding herself back from killing me. (But if she did, she would have blamed me for it). That's not a very good feeling to have as a kid. Nor is it something that a child--adult or young--can wrap their head around easily.

I grew a lot, too. Maybe I should bring this up again with my therapist. Although the rock method thing is pretty cool and working well. But they're still in my head. When I went VLC and they went NC, they weren't in my head so much.

THANK YOU. It's f*cked up beyond explanation that the door is open but I can't walk out. It's like the movie "Shawshank Redemption". I'm used to living the way I've been living. I am scared to live free, even though that's what I want more than anything in my life. Does that make sense? Trying to explain that to a therapist just seems so futile unless they experienced this themselves.

Pathwaytofree

That's good advice. What skills do you use to deal with them in a new way?

Mango212

Throughout healing I gain confidence, strength, new viewpoints, new words and phrases.

One day at a time.

How are you doing compared to a year ago?

Mango212

Pathwaytofree,

There are many meanings to many words. Theses can have power and impact how we recovery.

"Well, yeah, the blame IS on her, as it should be. It's not easy to overcome that sort of childhood."

Blame

to hold responsible <blame them for everything>

to place responsibility for <blames it on me>

Etymology: Middle English blamen "to find fault with," from early French blamer, blasmer (same meaning), from Latin blasphemare "to speak ill of," from Greek blasphemein "to blaspheme" --related to BLASPHEME

There are many helpful words to be made use of in recovery. I haven't found this to be one of them.

Giving up blame. Letting go of it completely. The same as burning or dumping physical items. These can be very powerful actions.

To say, "I'm no longer going to blame other people for my feelings or actions." is a big, powerful statement. In it, we also free ourselves from the attempts of others to blame us.

I am not responsible for how someone else feels. Their feelings are for them to tend to and care for. My feelings are for me to tend to and care for.

It becomes easier to deal with overcroming abuse with:

1. Help and support from those who understand the abuse and recovery from it.

2. Letting go of words, thoughts and phrases that perpetuate the abuse.

3. Making use of healing, positive words, thoughts and phrases.

4. Meditation.

5. Creating a big, full, enjoyable life for ourselves.

These things are possible.

NYCDoglvr

I cut ties with an abusive aunt who was an addict after she sent me a nasty birthday card. In Alanon I learned "no is a complete sentence."

Pathwaytofree

I am doing very well compared to a year ago. My therapist says so, too. But I still feel like there are more hurdles to jump in my growth and detachment.

Thanks for your other post, too. You make excellent points about blame. I just feel like had I had a strong foundation built in childhood, I wouldn't have struggled so much as an adult. But "blaming" will keep me in victim mode, and that's not what I want. If I am to continue to grow to be strong and resilient and to overcome my past, I do need to wipe "blame" from my vocabulary.

Mango212

Pathwaytofree,

Happy holidays. How are you doing today?

What's your game plan for this coming week? Do you have a game plan?