It will all be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end?
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It will all be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end?
I remember reading this some months ago at a time I really needed to hear it. It's been in my consciousness this morning for some reason. I really like the idea that in the end all will be ok, and when I'm feeling that's it's not, it's not the end.
For me its bringing up the idea that a time will come where all the specifics, details and minutiae of what has happened will be replaced with a bigger feeling of everything having worked out for the best for everyone. That doesn't mean, that I'm not still thinking about details. I do. I still question how someone who was so into and connected to me can switch it off, and not have any curiousity about how I'm doing. I still wonder how he's doing, at times think he was the love of my life and miss him, still get angry, still get sad, still get overwhelmed.
Then I bring it back to myself and how I'm doing. That there are more days recently of seeing some light. As my therapist put it so succinctly, there's a loosening of the grip it's had on me.
....it will all be ok in the end.
For me its bringing up the idea that a time will come where all the specifics, details and minutiae of what has happened will be replaced with a bigger feeling of everything having worked out for the best for everyone. That doesn't mean, that I'm not still thinking about details. I do. I still question how someone who was so into and connected to me can switch it off, and not have any curiousity about how I'm doing. I still wonder how he's doing, at times think he was the love of my life and miss him, still get angry, still get sad, still get overwhelmed.
Then I bring it back to myself and how I'm doing. That there are more days recently of seeing some light. As my therapist put it so succinctly, there's a loosening of the grip it's had on me.
....it will all be ok in the end.
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I think it’s very natural to do a post-mortem examination of the failed relationship. It’s important to you and it’s important moving forward. Like any other sudden death a death of a relationship leaves one with many questions. The autopsy in this case makes it pretty clear, addiction was the cause. I think every single question you ask yourself the answer is always going to be addiction.
It’s good you are seeing some light because there really are many more chapters ahead in the story of your life. It just happens that this particular chapter is a gigantic learning experience which is going to take some time to understand.
It’s good you are seeing some light because there really are many more chapters ahead in the story of your life. It just happens that this particular chapter is a gigantic learning experience which is going to take some time to understand.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
I think it’s very natural to do a post-mortem examination of the failed relationship. It’s important to you and it’s important moving forward. Like any other sudden death a death of a relationship leaves one with many questions. The autopsy in this case makes it pretty clear, addiction was the cause. I think every single question you ask yourself the answer is always going to be addiction.
It’s good you are seeing some light because there really are many more chapters ahead in the story of your life. It just happens that this particular chapter is a gigantic learning experience which is going to take some time to understand.
It’s good you are seeing some light because there really are many more chapters ahead in the story of your life. It just happens that this particular chapter is a gigantic learning experience which is going to take some time to understand.
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Although I think I'll forever wonder how someone so "into" me and in contact me with can switch it off in a matter of hours. I trust I'll find answer someday or not.
If I remember correctly you went to visit him and you believed he relapsed while you were there. I don’t think that was the case at all. I think he never did stop and had a good lie going for himself with you until he could no longer manage/control his addiction. You sadly were witness to that and became sucked into the cyclone. All of that behavior of his didn’t just happen when you arrived and he relapsed, it was building and you were in the way of it and saw the true reality of addiction.
Addiction is a relationship, a pathological relationship in which……obsession replaces people.
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my impatience wants to jump forward and see whats in the next chapters, but I'd miss out on the fun and learning along the way if I did.
Amen!
I write this with tears and a smile.
Thank you, Glenjo, for being here.
Taking life one day at a time, with mindfulness, awareness, meditation of any kind and a willingness to look for the good that's right here brings us to much more good, the quickest, easiest way possible.
The more I see this happen, the more I trust in this.
Amen!
I write this with tears and a smile.
Thank you, Glenjo, for being here.
Taking life one day at a time, with mindfulness, awareness, meditation of any kind and a willingness to look for the good that's right here brings us to much more good, the quickest, easiest way possible.
The more I see this happen, the more I trust in this.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Because he is an addict, the highs and lows of addiction don’t just refer to the drugs/drink. It can include people, places and things, at one time you were his “high” until you were not. Those highs and lows can change on a dime, this is addiction. Light switch on light switch off.
If I remember correctly you went to visit him and you believed he relapsed while you were there. I don’t think that was the case at all. I think he never did stop and had a good lie going for himself with you until he could no longer manage/control his addiction. You sadly were witness to that and became sucked into the cyclone. All of that behavior of his didn’t just happen when you arrived and he relapsed, it was building and you were in the way of it and saw the true reality of addiction.
Addiction is a relationship, a pathological relationship in which……obsession replaces people.
If I remember correctly you went to visit him and you believed he relapsed while you were there. I don’t think that was the case at all. I think he never did stop and had a good lie going for himself with you until he could no longer manage/control his addiction. You sadly were witness to that and became sucked into the cyclone. All of that behavior of his didn’t just happen when you arrived and he relapsed, it was building and you were in the way of it and saw the true reality of addiction.
Addiction is a relationship, a pathological relationship in which……obsession replaces people.
"The highs and lows of addiction don’t just refer to the drugs/drink. It can include people, places and things, at one time you were his “high” until you were not.
I was part of those highs and lows. I keep thinking of addiction in terms of substances but people can be part of it. Once he went into rehab, he had no need of his "Glen" High. He was forced to get real (or chose to). So it wasn't "ME" he loved, it was what I represented?
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Originally Posted by Mango212
my impatience wants to jump forward and see whats in the next chapters, but I'd miss out on the fun and learning along the way if I did.
Amen!
I write this with tears and a smile.
Thank you, Glenjo, for being here.
Taking life one day at a time, with mindfulness, awareness, meditation of any kind and a willingness to look for the good that's right here brings us to much more good, the quickest, easiest way possible.
The more I see this happen, the more I trust in this.
Amen!
I write this with tears and a smile.
Thank you, Glenjo, for being here.
Taking life one day at a time, with mindfulness, awareness, meditation of any kind and a willingness to look for the good that's right here brings us to much more good, the quickest, easiest way possible.
The more I see this happen, the more I trust in this.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes and my impatience wants to jump forward and see whats in the next chapters, but I'd miss out on the fun and learning along the way if I did. The only way out, is through. Addiction is the answer to the questions. Although I think I'll forever wonder how someone so "into" me and in contact me with can switch it off in a matter of hours. I trust I'll find answer someday or not.
That's why these types of relationships are hard to get over, that's why you are doing this research.
Normally, when you break up with someone it's obvious why. There is talk over weeks or months perhaps. Arguments etc. That isn't the case here.
So you ask, well where did that person go? At one time you have this person, calling and skyping you all day long to see what you are up to and what you are thinking and doing and over a period of days they just shut it all down and disappear.
In my relationship with that Narc, although the breakup was over a matter of months, when I reflected back I had a lot of questions, I could not just say - oh well too bad so sad - moving on. I needed to know for myself what the hell that was. Not because we broke up but because when I looked back on the relationship I realized how controlling and terrible it really was. When did it change, did it or was it a mess from the beginning (yes, it was a mess from the beginning).
So I researched until I found my answers. I did have people say, does it matter? Well no, in the great scheme of the universe I don't suppose it does but it mattered to me and to my mind and I wanted my answers and I got them. So don't ever let anyone brush off your questioning (although I don't think you will anyway!).
I still question how someone who was so into and connected to me can switch it off, and not have any curiousity about how I'm doing.
- What was his upbringing? Did he have a supportive, loving, family or was there dysfunction there? Was he criticized, abused etc etc. Was there acceptance in any way of his choice of a different lifestyle?
- Was their addiction in his family?
- What was his current connection with his family?
- When you questioned him about his sexual preferences you got some honest answers there. Still, that's a pretty messed up way to live. You believe A about yourself but you are acting out B.
So how does someone just walk away? There is such a thing as a mental break a numbing of feelings. It can be all encompassing. It is a defence mechanism, you may have experienced it yourself.
Your ex was living a dual life with great mental conflict. He denied his relationship to you from the beginning. You know how everyone always says watch actions not words, in his case you really have to look at both, he was telling you, this is NOT who I am.
I think what you saw that night in the hotel was the result of that.
I actually completely understand how he just walked away. I don't find it shocking and I don't find it unusual under the circumstances. I ask about his upbringing etc because that is where people start to hone these defenses.
Not sure I really explained that very well.
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More LOA/Abraham stuff.... that's where this phrase comes from.
I agree, except it's more about everything having worked out best for YOU.
So, in your mind, what do your Mental Gremlins tell you this failed relationship means about you & your self-definition? What would it mean about you (not TO you... ABOUT you) if he came back & you got your fairy tale happy ending?
I think this is what you might need to examine/let go of - mind you, none of that Gremlin Talk is true or accurate, just LOUD & continuously growing through our life experiences. These are the internal comments we have a hard time silencing because they tie back to our inherent self-worth & definition.
***great post trailmix...... lots of great questions to ask about the situation. I think we often make assumptions about others without realizing it because we're going off cues we see & hear. Truth is that there are generally many, many more layers to people & situations than we see. Imagine Glen - many of us wake up decades into a relationship only to come to these same conclusions - "huh, I guess I really DON'T know this person as well as I thought I did". How is that possible after spending years building a life together?
IDK - it's not logical, but it's common.
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
For me its bringing up the idea that a time will come where all the specifics, details and minutiae of what has happened will be replaced with a bigger feeling of everything having worked out for the best for everyone.
So, in your mind, what do your Mental Gremlins tell you this failed relationship means about you & your self-definition? What would it mean about you (not TO you... ABOUT you) if he came back & you got your fairy tale happy ending?
I think this is what you might need to examine/let go of - mind you, none of that Gremlin Talk is true or accurate, just LOUD & continuously growing through our life experiences. These are the internal comments we have a hard time silencing because they tie back to our inherent self-worth & definition.
***great post trailmix...... lots of great questions to ask about the situation. I think we often make assumptions about others without realizing it because we're going off cues we see & hear. Truth is that there are generally many, many more layers to people & situations than we see. Imagine Glen - many of us wake up decades into a relationship only to come to these same conclusions - "huh, I guess I really DON'T know this person as well as I thought I did". How is that possible after spending years building a life together?
IDK - it's not logical, but it's common.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think the answer is you are trying to apply "normal" logic to an abnormal situation.
That's why these types of relationships are hard to get over, that's why you are doing this research.
Normally, when you break up with someone it's obvious why. There is talk over weeks or months perhaps. Arguments etc. That isn't the case here.
So you ask, well where did that person go? At one time you have this person, calling and skyping you all day long to see what you are up to and what you are thinking and doing and over a period of days they just shut it all down and disappear.
In my relationship with that Narc, although the breakup was over a matter of months, when I reflected back I had a lot of questions, I could not just say - oh well too bad so sad - moving on. I needed to know for myself what the hell that was. Not because we broke up but because when I looked back on the relationship I realized how controlling and terrible it really was. When did it change, did it or was it a mess from the beginning (yes, it was a mess from the beginning).
So I researched until I found my answers. I did have people say, does it matter? Well no, in the great scheme of the universe I don't suppose it does but it mattered to me and to my mind and I wanted my answers and I got them. So don't ever let anyone brush off your questioning (although I don't think you will anyway!).
So let's dissect this! On the surface this seems reasonable. Are you looking at it from his perspective though?
- What was his upbringing? Did he have a supportive, loving, family or was there dysfunction there? Was he criticized, abused etc etc. Was there acceptance in any way of his choice of a different lifestyle?
- Was their addiction in his family?
- What was his current connection with his family?
- When you questioned him about his sexual preferences you got some honest answers there. Still, that's a pretty messed up way to live. You believe A about yourself but you are acting out B.
So how does someone just walk away? There is such a thing as a mental break a numbing of feelings. It can be all encompassing. It is a defence mechanism, you may have experienced it yourself.
Your ex was living a dual life with great mental conflict. He denied his relationship to you from the beginning. You know how everyone always says watch actions not words, in his case you really have to look at both, he was telling you, this is NOT who I am.
I think what you saw that night in the hotel was the result of that.
I actually completely understand how he just walked away. I don't find it shocking and I don't find it unusual under the circumstances. I ask about his upbringing etc because that is where people start to hone these defenses.
Not sure I really explained that very well.
That's why these types of relationships are hard to get over, that's why you are doing this research.
Normally, when you break up with someone it's obvious why. There is talk over weeks or months perhaps. Arguments etc. That isn't the case here.
So you ask, well where did that person go? At one time you have this person, calling and skyping you all day long to see what you are up to and what you are thinking and doing and over a period of days they just shut it all down and disappear.
In my relationship with that Narc, although the breakup was over a matter of months, when I reflected back I had a lot of questions, I could not just say - oh well too bad so sad - moving on. I needed to know for myself what the hell that was. Not because we broke up but because when I looked back on the relationship I realized how controlling and terrible it really was. When did it change, did it or was it a mess from the beginning (yes, it was a mess from the beginning).
So I researched until I found my answers. I did have people say, does it matter? Well no, in the great scheme of the universe I don't suppose it does but it mattered to me and to my mind and I wanted my answers and I got them. So don't ever let anyone brush off your questioning (although I don't think you will anyway!).
So let's dissect this! On the surface this seems reasonable. Are you looking at it from his perspective though?
- What was his upbringing? Did he have a supportive, loving, family or was there dysfunction there? Was he criticized, abused etc etc. Was there acceptance in any way of his choice of a different lifestyle?
- Was their addiction in his family?
- What was his current connection with his family?
- When you questioned him about his sexual preferences you got some honest answers there. Still, that's a pretty messed up way to live. You believe A about yourself but you are acting out B.
So how does someone just walk away? There is such a thing as a mental break a numbing of feelings. It can be all encompassing. It is a defence mechanism, you may have experienced it yourself.
Your ex was living a dual life with great mental conflict. He denied his relationship to you from the beginning. You know how everyone always says watch actions not words, in his case you really have to look at both, he was telling you, this is NOT who I am.
I think what you saw that night in the hotel was the result of that.
I actually completely understand how he just walked away. I don't find it shocking and I don't find it unusual under the circumstances. I ask about his upbringing etc because that is where people start to hone these defenses.
Not sure I really explained that very well.
From what he told me he had a good upbringing although there were issues with his dad I never fully grasped. His dad is a headmaster of a school, mum is a nurse. Have a lot of money and seemed to be very into status and things. When I met him, he told me his dad was dead (I kid you not). Subsequently few months later told me he lied about this because he was having issues with his dad and was easier to keep on with lie! He returned back to live with his parents last December and lives there since. As I mentioned before, had a very promising football career did really well, which I'm sure would have only added to his families "status". After an injury it all started to go downhill I think. He said his dad drinks too much but is very highly functioning. So that's his current state with them. Seems to get on great with his mum not so much with his sister. She works in bank and owns properties. Oh and his mum's dad was an alcoholic as was an uncle apparently.
Absolutely there was mental conflict there. I'm just surprised he introduced me to his mum when she visited here to bring him home and then wanted me to meet both parents on my visit in June. Had spoke to them on phone (he put me on to them). Why take such a risk of outing himself by involving me do much with them.
Im glad you completely understand how he walked away because I don't. Although the explanation earlier given that I may have just been part of addictions highs and lows makes a lot of sense.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
More LOA/Abraham stuff.... that's where this phrase comes from.
I agree, except it's more about everything having worked out best for YOU.
So, in your mind, what do your Mental Gremlins tell you this failed relationship means about you & your self-definition? What would it mean about you (not TO you... ABOUT you) if he came back & you got your fairy tale happy ending?
I think this is what you might need to examine/let go of - mind you, none of that Gremlin Talk is true or accurate, just LOUD & continuously growing through our life experiences. These are the internal comments we have a hard time silencing because they tie back to our inherent self-worth & definition.
***great post trailmix...... lots of great questions to ask about the situation. I think we often make assumptions about others without realizing it because we're going off cues we see & hear. Truth is that there are generally many, many more layers to people & situations than we see. Imagine Glen - many of us wake up decades into a relationship only to come to these same conclusions - "huh, I guess I really DON'T know this person as well as I thought I did". How is that possible after spending years building a life together?
IDK - it's not logical, but it's common.
I agree, except it's more about everything having worked out best for YOU.
So, in your mind, what do your Mental Gremlins tell you this failed relationship means about you & your self-definition? What would it mean about you (not TO you... ABOUT you) if he came back & you got your fairy tale happy ending?
I think this is what you might need to examine/let go of - mind you, none of that Gremlin Talk is true or accurate, just LOUD & continuously growing through our life experiences. These are the internal comments we have a hard time silencing because they tie back to our inherent self-worth & definition.
***great post trailmix...... lots of great questions to ask about the situation. I think we often make assumptions about others without realizing it because we're going off cues we see & hear. Truth is that there are generally many, many more layers to people & situations than we see. Imagine Glen - many of us wake up decades into a relationship only to come to these same conclusions - "huh, I guess I really DON'T know this person as well as I thought I did". How is that possible after spending years building a life together?
IDK - it's not logical, but it's common.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
The Gremlins are saying wtf, not him, he would never do that, you couldn't have got that wrong,
I'd take that above thought & back up - The Gremlins are really saying, "I got this wrong." .... it's not about him - your gremlins speak about you & your self-worth.
But it's easier to continue to figure out his side because then, when that magic answer hits, you weren't wrong! It WAS him! Perfectionists need somewhere to place the blame in order to make things acceptable. Perfectionists would rather take the blame than be unable to assign it somewhere - but in this case, that's absurd, right? How can you be responsible for his mental issues or crazy family history (which speaks volumes, btw)?
Nope. You were wrong because there were things you couldn't know. Wrong doesn't mean bad, to-blame, responsible-for or look-what-you-did. It doesn't mean you're bound to make these exact mistakes over again. So WHAT if you were wrong? The sun still rose, the sun still set, the earth continued to spin & time marched on.
I'm wondering if a big part of your lesson in all of this is being able to accept the grey zone of never REALLY KNOWING. That your lesson is rooted in the need to be able to let go of needing all the answers.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
This is just how *I* run at my recovery, ok? Just me sharing my process.... I listen closely to my "I" statements.
I'd take that above thought & back up - The Gremlins are really saying, "I got this wrong." .... it's not about him - your gremlins speak about you & your self-worth.
But it's easier to continue to figure out his side because then, when that magic answer hits, you weren't wrong! It WAS him! Perfectionists need somewhere to place the blame in order to make things acceptable. Perfectionists would rather take the blame than be unable to assign it somewhere - but in this case, that's absurd, right? How can you be responsible for his mental issues or crazy family history (which speaks volumes, btw)?
Nope. You were wrong because there were things you couldn't know. Wrong doesn't mean bad, to-blame, responsible-for or look-what-you-did. It doesn't mean you're bound to make these exact mistakes over again. So WHAT if you were wrong? The sun still rose, the sun still set, the earth continued to spin & time marched on.
I'm wondering if a big part of your lesson in all of this is being able to accept the grey zone of never REALLY KNOWING. That your lesson is rooted in the need to be able to let go of needing all the answers.
I'd take that above thought & back up - The Gremlins are really saying, "I got this wrong." .... it's not about him - your gremlins speak about you & your self-worth.
But it's easier to continue to figure out his side because then, when that magic answer hits, you weren't wrong! It WAS him! Perfectionists need somewhere to place the blame in order to make things acceptable. Perfectionists would rather take the blame than be unable to assign it somewhere - but in this case, that's absurd, right? How can you be responsible for his mental issues or crazy family history (which speaks volumes, btw)?
Nope. You were wrong because there were things you couldn't know. Wrong doesn't mean bad, to-blame, responsible-for or look-what-you-did. It doesn't mean you're bound to make these exact mistakes over again. So WHAT if you were wrong? The sun still rose, the sun still set, the earth continued to spin & time marched on.
I'm wondering if a big part of your lesson in all of this is being able to accept the grey zone of never REALLY KNOWING. That your lesson is rooted in the need to be able to let go of needing all the answers.
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Or
There is an option
Of simply saying, "I'm human."
Allow the space to see, hear and embrace healthy fun moments in life. Joy can reside in the same space as pain. The rest will naturally bubble up and work itself out.
There is an option
Of simply saying, "I'm human."
Allow the space to see, hear and embrace healthy fun moments in life. Joy can reside in the same space as pain. The rest will naturally bubble up and work itself out.
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Amen to that FireSprite
Everything in the end is a mirror back to me and my own self-image, self-esteem, self-worth and what I'm willing to allow into my life that reflects those perceptions back to me more clearly.
The complicated truth is that part of any dysfunctional relationship I've ever had had been me, no matter how screwed up my partner was. I allowed certain things "in" due to my beliefs about myself and what I was willing to accept at that time.
But you learn, you grow, you let it go and wish all those partners you dance with well (when enough time passes to heal)
Then you readjust and clean you're mirror, lick your wounds, and get ready for the next dance
Everything in the end is a mirror back to me and my own self-image, self-esteem, self-worth and what I'm willing to allow into my life that reflects those perceptions back to me more clearly.
The complicated truth is that part of any dysfunctional relationship I've ever had had been me, no matter how screwed up my partner was. I allowed certain things "in" due to my beliefs about myself and what I was willing to accept at that time.
But you learn, you grow, you let it go and wish all those partners you dance with well (when enough time passes to heal)
Then you readjust and clean you're mirror, lick your wounds, and get ready for the next dance
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Amen to that FireSprite
Everything in the end is a mirror back to me and my own self-image, self-esteem, self-worth and what I'm willing to allow into my life that reflects those perceptions back to me more clearly.
The complicated truth is that part of any dysfunctional relationship I've ever had had been me, no matter how screwed up my partner was. I allowed certain things "in" due to my beliefs about myself and what I was willing to accept at that time.
But you learn, you grow, you let it go and wish all those partners you dance with well (when enough time passes to heal)
Then you readjust and clean you're mirror, lick your wounds, and get ready for the next dance
Everything in the end is a mirror back to me and my own self-image, self-esteem, self-worth and what I'm willing to allow into my life that reflects those perceptions back to me more clearly.
The complicated truth is that part of any dysfunctional relationship I've ever had had been me, no matter how screwed up my partner was. I allowed certain things "in" due to my beliefs about myself and what I was willing to accept at that time.
But you learn, you grow, you let it go and wish all those partners you dance with well (when enough time passes to heal)
Then you readjust and clean you're mirror, lick your wounds, and get ready for the next dance
I look forward to the next dance.
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Posts: 8,639
Well unless you get to grill him, you won't ever really know the answers, all you can do is piece together the situation from what you do know for a fact.
He has alcoholism in his family. He told you his Father was dead. Ok, that's a problem! He is an addict and denies his sexuality (whether he is straight or gay or bi - he is denying being anything other than heterosexual while not actually being heterosexual).
The reason I know about the "mental break" and I use that term loosely btw, a better description might be "mega detachment" is because I can and have done that. I suppose it's something I learned as a child and still have.
It is not necessarily a defense I can call at will, although that's not impossible sometimes, but it is something that kicks in when I have had "enough" of whatever the emotional situation is.
I also know that it passes eventually in most cases although by then I may have detached myself from a person or situation completely, so while I get my emotions back, they may be gone for a specific individual or situation, if that makes sense.
I experienced this a lot when in the relationship with the narcissist, could last a few days, could last weeks. At one time I thought, ok maybe this isn't going to pass, maybe I will always have zero feeling in this situation (it did eventually pass).
Anyway, that's a broad overview of how it works, for me anyway.
He has alcoholism in his family. He told you his Father was dead. Ok, that's a problem! He is an addict and denies his sexuality (whether he is straight or gay or bi - he is denying being anything other than heterosexual while not actually being heterosexual).
The reason I know about the "mental break" and I use that term loosely btw, a better description might be "mega detachment" is because I can and have done that. I suppose it's something I learned as a child and still have.
It is not necessarily a defense I can call at will, although that's not impossible sometimes, but it is something that kicks in when I have had "enough" of whatever the emotional situation is.
I also know that it passes eventually in most cases although by then I may have detached myself from a person or situation completely, so while I get my emotions back, they may be gone for a specific individual or situation, if that makes sense.
I experienced this a lot when in the relationship with the narcissist, could last a few days, could last weeks. At one time I thought, ok maybe this isn't going to pass, maybe I will always have zero feeling in this situation (it did eventually pass).
Anyway, that's a broad overview of how it works, for me anyway.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well unless you get to grill him, you won't ever really know the answers, all you can do is piece together the situation from what you do know for a fact.
He has alcoholism in his family. He told you his Father was dead. Ok, that's a problem! He is an addict and denies his sexuality (whether he is straight or gay or bi - he is denying being anything other than heterosexual while not actually being heterosexual).
The reason I know about the "mental break" and I use that term loosely btw, a better description might be "mega detachment" is because I can and have done that. I suppose it's something I learned as a child and still have.
It is not necessarily a defense I can call at will, although that's not impossible sometimes, but it is something that kicks in when I have had "enough" of whatever the emotional situation is.
I also know that it passes eventually in most cases although by then I may have detached myself from a person or situation completely, so while I get my emotions back, they may be gone for a specific individual or situation, if that makes sense.
I experienced this a lot when in the relationship with the narcissist, could last a few days, could last weeks. At one time I thought, ok maybe this isn't going to pass, maybe I will always have zero feeling in this situation (it did eventually pass).
Anyway, that's a broad overview of how it works, for me anyway.
He has alcoholism in his family. He told you his Father was dead. Ok, that's a problem! He is an addict and denies his sexuality (whether he is straight or gay or bi - he is denying being anything other than heterosexual while not actually being heterosexual).
The reason I know about the "mental break" and I use that term loosely btw, a better description might be "mega detachment" is because I can and have done that. I suppose it's something I learned as a child and still have.
It is not necessarily a defense I can call at will, although that's not impossible sometimes, but it is something that kicks in when I have had "enough" of whatever the emotional situation is.
I also know that it passes eventually in most cases although by then I may have detached myself from a person or situation completely, so while I get my emotions back, they may be gone for a specific individual or situation, if that makes sense.
I experienced this a lot when in the relationship with the narcissist, could last a few days, could last weeks. At one time I thought, ok maybe this isn't going to pass, maybe I will always have zero feeling in this situation (it did eventually pass).
Anyway, that's a broad overview of how it works, for me anyway.
Yes this makes sense. "I also know that it passes eventually in most cases although by then I may have detached myself from a person or situation completely, so while I get my emotions back, they may be gone for a specific individual or situation".
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes this makes sense. "I also know that it passes eventually in most cases although by then I may have detached myself from a person or situation completely, so while I get my emotions back, they may be gone for a specific individual or situation".
Now, that does not mean YOU are/were a negative. What it means is to him it was a negative. I just want you to know these are two separate things and it's not a reflection on you as a person.
His background, his shame (possibly) his detachment from his Father (for who knows what but I'm going to guess some mental abuse) etc etc, may enable him to defend himself emotionally in ways you don't know about.
So to him, yes, it's too much, that doesn't mean you are too much or your emotions are too much or you are anything other than who you are, which is just fine!
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