It will all be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end?
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
One other thing and I think this may be important to know. This detachment happens when the negative feelings are overwhelming.
Now, that does not mean YOU are/were a negative. What it means is to him it was a negative. I just want you to know these are two separate things and it's not a reflection on you as a person.
His background, his shame (possibly) his detachment from his Father (for who knows what but I'm going to guess some mental abuse) etc etc, may enable him to defend himself emotionally in ways you don't know about.
So to him, yes, it's too much, that doesn't mean you are too much or your emotions are too much or you are anything other than who you are, which is just fine!
Now, that does not mean YOU are/were a negative. What it means is to him it was a negative. I just want you to know these are two separate things and it's not a reflection on you as a person.
His background, his shame (possibly) his detachment from his Father (for who knows what but I'm going to guess some mental abuse) etc etc, may enable him to defend himself emotionally in ways you don't know about.
So to him, yes, it's too much, that doesn't mean you are too much or your emotions are too much or you are anything other than who you are, which is just fine!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Did he every discuss that with you at all? How he just walked away from previous relationships like that?
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I understand that. If that is what has happened this mega detachment, can't be sure.
It rarely kicks in for small things.
How can you know that about a person? Well the fact that he walks away from relationships apparently unscathed is probably a good indicator.
But my point was, I said to you, you may have experienced this yourself. You say, no. So I cannot assume that how you handle things is the same way I do.
Just as you can't apply your logic and your feelings and what you would do, to him.
So when you say you can't understand how he just leaves like that, well no you can't and perhaps that's a good thing! Whether he uses rage, or detachment or whatever coping/defense mechanism he has, you can't understand that truly. What you can understand is that he handles these things in the way he does because that is - how he works.
This is getting long but case in point. Narc decides I will never move in with him (he was right about that). Being the optimist I said well, you know, if you gave it more time perhaps, I am working on this (read: trying to force myself to do this but I just can't).
He says no, I gave it a year, you are never going to do this. So he gives up his apartment, packs up his stuff and drives away (over a period of a month or so, this didn't happen overnight).
Now, I'm looking at this and thinking, are you serious? In the interim we were still a couple. Still together, still going out places, being "normal".
How weird is that? It's very weird lol
He said afterward, right up until I got in the truck and drove away, if you had just said - ok i'll do it, he would have stayed.
I have to say, I was in a bad place emotionally before I met him and certainly while I was with him, again for stuff I won't go in to or I never would have gone through all that with him.
Did he walk away unscathed. ABSOLUTELY!! His narc ego was bruised but he knew where to go to manipulate people and get his fix and he went there.
Funny story. One day after he had left we were talking on the phone and he said, blah blah blah you need to skype me right now. So we get on skype and he is crying. He had to get me on skype that minute to show me how sad he was lol - sorry but it's funny in retrospect. It was look I have feelings! (he doesn't really, well not in any sense that we would understand).
Once I understood how he worked and viewed the world, I could put it all behind me. I suspect that is what you are doing too?
Try not to dismiss anything, don't think of it from your point of view, think of the facts you have and go from there.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think this discussion we are having is a good case in point. If you met me and we were friends, you wouldn't know about this defense mechanism I have unless you crossed me or emotionally, for whatever reason, it all got too much for me.
It rarely kicks in for small things.
How can you know that about a person? Well the fact that he walks away from relationships apparently unscathed is probably a good indicator.
But my point was, I said to you, you may have experienced this yourself. You say, no. So I cannot assume that how you handle things is the same way I do.
Just as you can't apply your logic and your feelings and what you would do, to him.
So when you say you can't understand how he just leaves like that, well no you can't and perhaps that's a good thing! Whether he uses rage, or detachment or whatever coping/defense mechanism he has, you can't understand that truly. What you can understand is that he handles these things in the way he does because that is - how he works.
This is getting long but case in point. Narc decides I will never move in with him (he was right about that). Being the optimist I said well, you know, if you gave it more time perhaps, I am working on this (read: trying to force myself to do this but I just can't).
He says no, I gave it a year, you are never going to do this. So he gives up his apartment, packs up his stuff and drives away (over a period of a month or so, this didn't happen overnight).
Now, I'm looking at this and thinking, are you serious? In the interim we were still a couple. Still together, still going out places, being "normal".
How weird is that? It's very weird lol
He said afterward, right up until I got in the truck and drove away, if you had just said - ok i'll do it, he would have stayed.
I have to say, I was in a bad place emotionally before I met him and certainly while I was with him, again for stuff I won't go in to or I never would have gone through all that with him.
Did he walk away unscathed. ABSOLUTELY!! His narc ego was bruised but he knew where to go to manipulate people and get his fix and he went there.
Funny story. One day after he had left we were talking on the phone and he said, blah blah blah you need to skype me right now. So we get on skype and he is crying. He had to get me on skype that minute to show me how sad he was lol - sorry but it's funny in retrospect. It was look I have feelings! (he doesn't really, well not in any sense that we would understand).
Once I understood how he worked and viewed the world, I could put it all behind me. I suspect that is what you are doing too?
Try not to dismiss anything, don't think of it from your point of view, think of the facts you have and go from there.
It rarely kicks in for small things.
How can you know that about a person? Well the fact that he walks away from relationships apparently unscathed is probably a good indicator.
But my point was, I said to you, you may have experienced this yourself. You say, no. So I cannot assume that how you handle things is the same way I do.
Just as you can't apply your logic and your feelings and what you would do, to him.
So when you say you can't understand how he just leaves like that, well no you can't and perhaps that's a good thing! Whether he uses rage, or detachment or whatever coping/defense mechanism he has, you can't understand that truly. What you can understand is that he handles these things in the way he does because that is - how he works.
This is getting long but case in point. Narc decides I will never move in with him (he was right about that). Being the optimist I said well, you know, if you gave it more time perhaps, I am working on this (read: trying to force myself to do this but I just can't).
He says no, I gave it a year, you are never going to do this. So he gives up his apartment, packs up his stuff and drives away (over a period of a month or so, this didn't happen overnight).
Now, I'm looking at this and thinking, are you serious? In the interim we were still a couple. Still together, still going out places, being "normal".
How weird is that? It's very weird lol
He said afterward, right up until I got in the truck and drove away, if you had just said - ok i'll do it, he would have stayed.
I have to say, I was in a bad place emotionally before I met him and certainly while I was with him, again for stuff I won't go in to or I never would have gone through all that with him.
Did he walk away unscathed. ABSOLUTELY!! His narc ego was bruised but he knew where to go to manipulate people and get his fix and he went there.
Funny story. One day after he had left we were talking on the phone and he said, blah blah blah you need to skype me right now. So we get on skype and he is crying. He had to get me on skype that minute to show me how sad he was lol - sorry but it's funny in retrospect. It was look I have feelings! (he doesn't really, well not in any sense that we would understand).
Once I understood how he worked and viewed the world, I could put it all behind me. I suspect that is what you are doing too?
Try not to dismiss anything, don't think of it from your point of view, think of the facts you have and go from there.
"Once I understood how he worked and viewed the world, I could put it all behind me. I suspect that is what you are doing too?"
Exactly!
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Glenjo99, are you familiar with Bowen Theory? Your post made me think of it, regarding your ex and the emotional cut off, and how he has a pattern of doing that with ex’s.
I also understand what it’s like to know something about a person, yet having this sense of wanting the person to not get you caught up in their dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s like, how can you do this to me. I had someone like this in my life, I would have loved to have heard from the ex’s just out of curiosity, but we don’t have any people in common. But I can imagine what they went through :/
https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/
I also understand what it’s like to know something about a person, yet having this sense of wanting the person to not get you caught up in their dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s like, how can you do this to me. I had someone like this in my life, I would have loved to have heard from the ex’s just out of curiosity, but we don’t have any people in common. But I can imagine what they went through :/
https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/
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Originally Posted by pdm22
Glenjo99, are you familiar with Bowen Theory? Your post made me think of it, regarding your ex and the emotional cut off, and how he has a pattern of doing that with ex’s.
I also understand what it’s like to know something about a person, yet having this sense of wanting the person to not get you caught up in their dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s like, how can you do this to me. I had someone like this in my life, I would have loved to have heard from the ex’s just out of curiosity, but we don’t have any people in common. But I can imagine what they went through :/
https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/
I also understand what it’s like to know something about a person, yet having this sense of wanting the person to not get you caught up in their dysfunctional relationship patterns. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s like, how can you do this to me. I had someone like this in my life, I would have loved to have heard from the ex’s just out of curiosity, but we don’t have any people in common. But I can imagine what they went through :/
https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/
Yes you get it what I mean about wanting to know how they are doing out of curiosity, are they flourishing, are they alive. I havent messaged anyone who could give me these answers (his mum, cousin etc) as I wanted to give him the space he asked for to recover, and at the same time it seems Ludacris to not know how he's doing having been so close.
The fortunate thing is lately, I have been having more of a feeling, of that relationship and the why's and how's of it, taking a backseat, and allowing the learning of it to spur me onto a better life. Hard to explain buts it's like, the coping mechanisms I've been using to get through the initial pain (journaling, meditation, therapy, focusing on my relationship with myself etc) are now coming to the fore a lot more, and it's like they are now being used as part of my regular life and not so much to get through pain.
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