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Old 10-29-2018, 06:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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hello from 3 years out


Hi everyone,

It's been almost exactly 3 years since I left my AH of 20 years. The first year post-split the mediator and I got him to use Soberlink when he had our kids; during the next two years I tried to get him to agree to reasonable divorce terms. After many months of negotiations, our (third!) very experienced mediator told me, in confidence, that my ex is the angriest, stingiest, most miserable person he's worked with, and that even if the terms aren't equitable, getting away from AH is a huge achievement. Now we're waiting for the judge's stamp.

Meanwhile I do my job, take care of my daughters who are THRIVING since their dad and I split (anyone who thinks kids aren't resilient or that they'd prefer living with an alcoholic and another parent who is trying to protect them, feel free to message me), work out and walk my dog, meditate, and gaze at the ocean from the refuge I found when I was ready to leave.

AH has found a new GF/enabler, and he continues to drink. That's why I'm posting.

For anyone who is holding out hope that the A will change, that if they just give him one more chance, or try something different . . . . What I would tell myself from the future is to give it up. The sooner you can visualize your healthy future and start to make it happen, the better.

It's only recently that I'm realizing how much AH's put-downs and anger and abuse affected me; how I had started to doubt my own intelligence and capability. He's still trying to do it: if I say "no" to one of his unreasonable requests having to do with our divorce, he claims that I'm "unresponsive," "crazy," or, most recently, "a blood-sucking money hungry parasite on our family." He apparently cannot hear the word "no."

What I finally realized after five years of trying to change my AH was what I still focus on today: the only person you can change is yourself.
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Old 10-29-2018, 08:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Thanks for the update. I'm so glad that your girls are doing well. Kinda sorry for the new girlfriend but might give him something else to think about.
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Old 10-29-2018, 10:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Awesome update ! Thank you for posting...

I just had a conversation today about about how much more clearly we see the big picture the farther we step away from it.

I'm so glad to hear how your kids and YOU are thriving now that breathing is easy.

*hugs*
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Old 10-30-2018, 01:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you for the update, sauerkraut! Progress, not perfection
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Old 10-30-2018, 04:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for this. Glad to read that things are going well for you.
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Old 10-30-2018, 07:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hello friend! Great update. I am SO GLAD you are out of this situation and that your children are doing so well! You are so right, they just move on to the next enabler!

Good work on YOU!!!!
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Old 10-30-2018, 08:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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What an awesome update sauerdraut!

What’s that expression………leap and the net shall appear.

It appears your net is living a wonderfully happy and calm life with your daughters thriving…..doesn’t get any better than that.
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Old 10-30-2018, 11:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sauerkraut View Post
For anyone who is holding out hope that the A will change, that if they just give him one more chance, or try something different . . . . What I would tell myself from the future is to give it up. The sooner you can visualize your healthy future and start to make it happen, the better.

What I finally realized after five years of trying to change my AH was what I still focus on today: the only person you can change is yourself.
Hi, sauerkraut! Nice to hear from you!

The part of your post I quoted above really struck me today. I am listening to a book-on-DVD in my work van and at one point, character A, an alcoholic himself, says to character B, who divorced his alcoholic wife and later kidnapped their daughter and started over elsewhere w/new identities, "You ran away from your wife b/c she was an alcoholic! Your daughter didn't run away from me when she found out I was an alcoholic. She stuck by me and waited for me to get sober!" I was yelling in the van "But what if she NEVER got sober?!? What if YOU NEVER got sober?!" Later on, the (now adult) daughter is meeting her mother. Miraculously, the mother is now sober for 26 years, having come to her senses after her daughter was taken (b/c after all, we ALL know that a shock is all it takes for an A to see the light and sober up, right?).

I was again yelling in the van! The story was basically good until this crap started showing up, clearly written by someone who had NO experience with or knowledge of alcoholism and alcoholics. Not to say those things couldn't happen, but I felt it was SO misrepresented....

Anyway, that part of your post reminded me of how that very thing is quite possibly the most important thing we learn in our recovery, or at least I think so.

Thanks for taking the time to check in, and I wish you all the good things life has to offer in the years to come!
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Old 10-30-2018, 04:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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So nice to hear that. I'm glad you and your daughters are doing so well!!!
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