34 Days of No Drinking - Sure is Nice
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34 Days of No Drinking - Sure is Nice
Just an update and just getting it out there. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. After AH's relapse last month (that culminated in an ICU stay), they started him at square one at his IOP. He has 34 days sober.
His "I haven't missed a game in 25 years" streak is over. (THANK GOD)
There was an out of town game this past weekend....AH called me on Friday while he was out working and said his ticket broker had an extra ticket and he was thinking of getting up early on Saturday and going...staying overnight and then coming home on Sunday.
I told him I didn't like the idea, but he was a big boy and he could do whatever he wanted. I was a little snippy because
(a) I'd already bought groceries to cook game day snacks for Sat.
(b) it was so last minute and I didn't believe it was just a spur of the moment idea
(c) I didn't trust him in the environment this early in recovery
(d) I didn't think we needed to spend the extra money right now. This trip would be several hundred dollars
(E) The trip would take him through the town of the woman he was having the emotional affair with. I'm trying to trust him, but it's just too soon for me to have to worry about him drinking AND cheating (this time possibly physical). - - -- Well, he came home that evening and said he'd decided not to go. I was thankful for that. We ended up having a really nice, well needed weekend.
I went to family day at his IOP and enjoyed participating. I expressed my concern about him not attending as many AA meetings as he needs to be. They also think he needs to be attending more. AH is not denying that he needs to, but he just says at the end of the day he's "therapy'd out". I do understand he does IOP from 9-12 every day, then he has to work and then at the end of the day he just wants to come home, eat dinner, watch a little tv and we're in bed by 10:30. It's not fun or what anyone would want to do after a long day, but I think he needs to find *somewhere* to go at around 5-5:30 for a meeting. (As his IOP leader put it: "You found time to drink every day, didn't you?")
DD is doing REALLY well. She's still seeing her therapist and she really likes him. Her anxiety seems to be a little better - she's even talking about trying out for a solo for choir. She just got her report card: all A's and B's, so I'm really proud of her. Court will be coming up soon for the custody issue with bio dad, but I don't think she will have to testify.
I am......enjoying our sober home. I know I have some healing to do that I'm stuffing down, which is extremely easy to do with all the external things going on. There is a codependency workshop coming up at a local church that my AH's treatment center is sponsoring. AH and I are going to go to it, so I think that will be very educational. I still have days where I am looking too hard for any tell-tell signs of drinking: the higher, perkier voice when he's on the phone, slurred words, sniffing his mouth when I kiss him when he gets home from work, and I must admit, I have a GPS tracker on his car. Time heals all, though, and we are still in the infancy stage. Praying for weeks to turn into months, to turn into years.
Thanks for reading my novel.
His "I haven't missed a game in 25 years" streak is over. (THANK GOD)
There was an out of town game this past weekend....AH called me on Friday while he was out working and said his ticket broker had an extra ticket and he was thinking of getting up early on Saturday and going...staying overnight and then coming home on Sunday.
I told him I didn't like the idea, but he was a big boy and he could do whatever he wanted. I was a little snippy because
(a) I'd already bought groceries to cook game day snacks for Sat.
(b) it was so last minute and I didn't believe it was just a spur of the moment idea
(c) I didn't trust him in the environment this early in recovery
(d) I didn't think we needed to spend the extra money right now. This trip would be several hundred dollars
(E) The trip would take him through the town of the woman he was having the emotional affair with. I'm trying to trust him, but it's just too soon for me to have to worry about him drinking AND cheating (this time possibly physical). - - -- Well, he came home that evening and said he'd decided not to go. I was thankful for that. We ended up having a really nice, well needed weekend.
I went to family day at his IOP and enjoyed participating. I expressed my concern about him not attending as many AA meetings as he needs to be. They also think he needs to be attending more. AH is not denying that he needs to, but he just says at the end of the day he's "therapy'd out". I do understand he does IOP from 9-12 every day, then he has to work and then at the end of the day he just wants to come home, eat dinner, watch a little tv and we're in bed by 10:30. It's not fun or what anyone would want to do after a long day, but I think he needs to find *somewhere* to go at around 5-5:30 for a meeting. (As his IOP leader put it: "You found time to drink every day, didn't you?")
DD is doing REALLY well. She's still seeing her therapist and she really likes him. Her anxiety seems to be a little better - she's even talking about trying out for a solo for choir. She just got her report card: all A's and B's, so I'm really proud of her. Court will be coming up soon for the custody issue with bio dad, but I don't think she will have to testify.
I am......enjoying our sober home. I know I have some healing to do that I'm stuffing down, which is extremely easy to do with all the external things going on. There is a codependency workshop coming up at a local church that my AH's treatment center is sponsoring. AH and I are going to go to it, so I think that will be very educational. I still have days where I am looking too hard for any tell-tell signs of drinking: the higher, perkier voice when he's on the phone, slurred words, sniffing his mouth when I kiss him when he gets home from work, and I must admit, I have a GPS tracker on his car. Time heals all, though, and we are still in the infancy stage. Praying for weeks to turn into months, to turn into years.
Thanks for reading my novel.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi LPS... good to hear. I hope he continues on this path, and starts going to AA.
I'm glad he decided not to go to the game... I would take that as a good sign if his reason for that decision was to not be in an environment that would make drinking too tempting...
"I still have days where I am looking too hard for any tell-tell signs of drinking: the higher, perkier voice when he's on the phone, slurred words, sniffing his mouth when I kiss him when he gets home from work, and I must admit, I have a GPS tracker on his car.
"
Well yeah... It takes a really long time for that trust to come back... It never did for me even during AH's longer periods of sobriety (9 months and 1 year... or something like that). I never got over that feeling of wondering when the sh1t was going to hit the fan...
And I think those habits, like the sniffing his mouth, just become *so* much of a habit that you start to rely on them for comfort and security, even if you do start to trust him again. At least they did for me...
Keep taking care of you...
I'm glad he decided not to go to the game... I would take that as a good sign if his reason for that decision was to not be in an environment that would make drinking too tempting...
"I still have days where I am looking too hard for any tell-tell signs of drinking: the higher, perkier voice when he's on the phone, slurred words, sniffing his mouth when I kiss him when he gets home from work, and I must admit, I have a GPS tracker on his car.
"
Well yeah... It takes a really long time for that trust to come back... It never did for me even during AH's longer periods of sobriety (9 months and 1 year... or something like that). I never got over that feeling of wondering when the sh1t was going to hit the fan...
And I think those habits, like the sniffing his mouth, just become *so* much of a habit that you start to rely on them for comfort and security, even if you do start to trust him again. At least they did for me...
Keep taking care of you...
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I think you're doing great! I admire how you can stay calm when talking to your RAH about going out of town. That is hard, hard, hard when you've had the rug pulled out from under you again and again over a long period of time. Just waiting for that other shoe to drop and shatter you.
It sounds like your husband is doing well, especially making the decision not to take that trip. He's so early in his sobriety I'm surprised he can have a rational conversation.
I bet you are on edge and scared not knowing if he will continue to stay sober. It does ease a little when you see they are hitting recovery hard and making the changes. Tiny bit by tiny bit. I'm serious when I say their recovery (and your own) is harder than when they were drinking. Look up my previous posts if your curious about what to expect. I was almost as irrational as he was in early recovery. I was depleted emotionally, physically and mentally after 18 years of that crap, and it shows.
How exciting about your daughter!!!! You're a good mom. She wouldn't be doing so well without a mom who loves her cheering her on and supporting her. 😍
It sounds like your husband is doing well, especially making the decision not to take that trip. He's so early in his sobriety I'm surprised he can have a rational conversation.
I bet you are on edge and scared not knowing if he will continue to stay sober. It does ease a little when you see they are hitting recovery hard and making the changes. Tiny bit by tiny bit. I'm serious when I say their recovery (and your own) is harder than when they were drinking. Look up my previous posts if your curious about what to expect. I was almost as irrational as he was in early recovery. I was depleted emotionally, physically and mentally after 18 years of that crap, and it shows.
How exciting about your daughter!!!! You're a good mom. She wouldn't be doing so well without a mom who loves her cheering her on and supporting her. 😍
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Thanks ya'll. Things are not QUITE as crazy as they were a month ago, so now I actually have time to just think and not be in 24 hour crisis mode.
Kboys: " I would take that as a good sign if his reason for that decision was to not be in an environment that would make drinking too tempting..."
I wish AH hadn't gone for that reason. He said he chose not to go because he saw it would be raining on the way there and during the game. Oh well....I got what I wanted, so I'll take it as a win.
AH is doing well and I *am* proud of him. Last night we got into a tiff and he threatened to leave, which was a trigger for me. I'll say the tiff was probably more my fault than his. We work together and I was putting something online and it was about 7 pm. AH told me (more told than asked, which bugged me) to put my work away and watch tv with him and serve up dinner. It was just the inequality of it: so many evenings he works late and is making calls at night. I was in the zone and didn't like being told what to do. I called him on it and he said, "Would you rather me be drunk, passed out on the couch?" (sigh) No, I would not.
Wamama48: "I'm serious when I say their recovery (and your own) is harder than when they were drinking. " - - It *is* different when they are sober. I have to say, I'VE been the one that's been irritated these past 2 days. I feel guilty. I need to get back in to see my counselor. In the meantime, I'm going to look through your posts. I need to understand this better.
Kboys: " I would take that as a good sign if his reason for that decision was to not be in an environment that would make drinking too tempting..."
I wish AH hadn't gone for that reason. He said he chose not to go because he saw it would be raining on the way there and during the game. Oh well....I got what I wanted, so I'll take it as a win.
AH is doing well and I *am* proud of him. Last night we got into a tiff and he threatened to leave, which was a trigger for me. I'll say the tiff was probably more my fault than his. We work together and I was putting something online and it was about 7 pm. AH told me (more told than asked, which bugged me) to put my work away and watch tv with him and serve up dinner. It was just the inequality of it: so many evenings he works late and is making calls at night. I was in the zone and didn't like being told what to do. I called him on it and he said, "Would you rather me be drunk, passed out on the couch?" (sigh) No, I would not.
Wamama48: "I'm serious when I say their recovery (and your own) is harder than when they were drinking. " - - It *is* different when they are sober. I have to say, I'VE been the one that's been irritated these past 2 days. I feel guilty. I need to get back in to see my counselor. In the meantime, I'm going to look through your posts. I need to understand this better.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"I wish AH hadn't gone for that reason. He said he chose not to go because he saw it would be raining on the way there and during the game. Oh well....I got what I wanted, so I'll take it as a win."
I'd take it as a win too
As for your tiff last night, that would have bothered me too... and I don't think you were wrong to call him out on it... Regardless, seems a pretty immature and maybe even bordering on emotionally abusive to me for him to threaten to leave over something like that.
I got used to such horrendous behavior and treatment from my AH when he was drinking that during his sober times, I continued to put up with his not so nice treatment, because, well, at least it wasn't *as bad* as it was when he was drinking.
One day at a time
I'd take it as a win too
As for your tiff last night, that would have bothered me too... and I don't think you were wrong to call him out on it... Regardless, seems a pretty immature and maybe even bordering on emotionally abusive to me for him to threaten to leave over something like that.
I got used to such horrendous behavior and treatment from my AH when he was drinking that during his sober times, I continued to put up with his not so nice treatment, because, well, at least it wasn't *as bad* as it was when he was drinking.
One day at a time
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Lovepeace……..I hope you don't think that you have to walk on eggshells with him, just because you think that you might upset the apple cart. He doesn't get a pass when it comes to disrespecting you or treating you "less than"...…
It is olk. to tell him that you are a free woman, even if you are married to him....that you are willing to consider requests, but that you don't take orders.....because you are his equal---he is, in no way superior to you.
You are not indebted to him, just because he isn't drinking at the moment. I think that lots of alcoholics, think, that, just because they are not drinking, that they get a special pass...that they are doing YOU some kind of favor. If they have got their head screwed on right---they should be abstainent for themselves.
Consider, that there are pleanty of spouses who treat their partner with respect and sensitivity....and they consider being abstainent to be a normal and expected thing.
He might not like your new boundaries of respect....but, he will need an attitude adjustment...…..(early sobriety involves LOTS of attitude adjustments). He can get mad until he gets glad.....nobody stays mad about one single thing, forever.....
as time goes on, you may find yourself growing a firmer backbone and a thicker rhino skin.....lol....
It is olk. to tell him that you are a free woman, even if you are married to him....that you are willing to consider requests, but that you don't take orders.....because you are his equal---he is, in no way superior to you.
You are not indebted to him, just because he isn't drinking at the moment. I think that lots of alcoholics, think, that, just because they are not drinking, that they get a special pass...that they are doing YOU some kind of favor. If they have got their head screwed on right---they should be abstainent for themselves.
Consider, that there are pleanty of spouses who treat their partner with respect and sensitivity....and they consider being abstainent to be a normal and expected thing.
He might not like your new boundaries of respect....but, he will need an attitude adjustment...…..(early sobriety involves LOTS of attitude adjustments). He can get mad until he gets glad.....nobody stays mad about one single thing, forever.....
as time goes on, you may find yourself growing a firmer backbone and a thicker rhino skin.....lol....
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Been there and done all of that. What Dandy said is spot on! Sound advice. Talking about your husband getting glad, my grandma still says.....you can get glad in the same pants you got mad it. Ironically, I usually got mad when she told me that. 😂QUOTE=dandylion;7041930]Lovepeace……..I hope you don't think that you have to walk on eggshells with him, just because you think that you might upset the apple cart. He doesn't get a pass when it comes to disrespecting you or treating you "less than"...…
It is olk. to tell him that you are a free woman, even if you are married to him....that you are willing to consider requests, but that you don't take orders.....because you are his equal---he is, in no way superior to you.
You are not indebted to him, just because he isn't drinking at the moment. I think that lots of alcoholics, think, that, just because they are not drinking, that they get a special pass...that they are doing YOU some kind of favor. If they have got their head screwed on right---they should be abstainent for themselves.
Consider, that there are pleanty of spouses who treat their partner with respect and sensitivity....and they consider being abstainent to be a normal and expected thing.
He might not like your new boundaries of respect....but, he will need an attitude adjustment...…..(early sobriety involves LOTS of attitude adjustments). He can get mad until he gets glad.....nobody stays mad about one single thing, forever.....
as time goes on, you may find yourself growing a firmer backbone and a thicker rhino skin.....lol....[/QUOTE]
It is olk. to tell him that you are a free woman, even if you are married to him....that you are willing to consider requests, but that you don't take orders.....because you are his equal---he is, in no way superior to you.
You are not indebted to him, just because he isn't drinking at the moment. I think that lots of alcoholics, think, that, just because they are not drinking, that they get a special pass...that they are doing YOU some kind of favor. If they have got their head screwed on right---they should be abstainent for themselves.
Consider, that there are pleanty of spouses who treat their partner with respect and sensitivity....and they consider being abstainent to be a normal and expected thing.
He might not like your new boundaries of respect....but, he will need an attitude adjustment...…..(early sobriety involves LOTS of attitude adjustments). He can get mad until he gets glad.....nobody stays mad about one single thing, forever.....
as time goes on, you may find yourself growing a firmer backbone and a thicker rhino skin.....lol....[/QUOTE]
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Why do you feel guilty? I ask this in seriousness. He said:
He was going to "leave" to where exactly?
In all three instances he shows complete disrespect to you, but you are feeling guilty, for what, for feeling irritated?
If you weren't THAT would be a problem. It would mean you had lost all self respect and that's much much worse than him showing no respect.
As dandylion so wisely mentioned, he doesn't get a free pass just because he stopped drinking (which has zero to do with you, him drinking or not). That fact that he chose to use that as a verbal weapon and bargaining chip is terrible.
If this were a new relationship people would be yelling Red Flag!!
Well - Red Flag!! If you let him walk all over you now you will be setting a precedent, which does you no favors (or him either btw or your relationship going forward).
The irritation is warranted in my opinion, the guilt, I don't understand that.
Last night we got into a tiff and he threatened to leave,
to put my work away and watch tv with him and serve up dinner.
"Would you rather me be drunk, passed out on the couch?"
to put my work away and watch tv with him and serve up dinner.
"Would you rather me be drunk, passed out on the couch?"
In all three instances he shows complete disrespect to you, but you are feeling guilty, for what, for feeling irritated?
If you weren't THAT would be a problem. It would mean you had lost all self respect and that's much much worse than him showing no respect.
As dandylion so wisely mentioned, he doesn't get a free pass just because he stopped drinking (which has zero to do with you, him drinking or not). That fact that he chose to use that as a verbal weapon and bargaining chip is terrible.
If this were a new relationship people would be yelling Red Flag!!
Well - Red Flag!! If you let him walk all over you now you will be setting a precedent, which does you no favors (or him either btw or your relationship going forward).
The irritation is warranted in my opinion, the guilt, I don't understand that.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
I totally understand where you are coming from. I was all there where you are at the beginning of this year, being vigilant, extra happy about the sobriety, and very worried about what could happen. I was having a tough time in my head, reliving trauma, and feeling desperate. I found that some people on this forum showed understanding... what I think we need the most is to be heard.... and many people here were not helpful, offering advice about what I SHOULD think, and jumping to conclusions that only left me feeling defensive and confused.
Its been a long year! And the good news is that I have learned to actually have the qualities that I used to only give lip service to. I’ve had some bad experiences with councillors too, who seen to think that their experience with the “alcoholic” mind makes them an expert and don’t hestitate to tell me what I SHOULD think. So, with the help of 2 new councillors, and taking a break so to speak, I’m slowly coming up for breath and getting wiser
there have been so many turning points for me this year. The external advice that has helped me the most (from a councillor who had skills), was to focus only on self-acceptance. It was incredibly hard for me to stop thinking, studying, reading, asking for advice, analyzing etc. And accept all of me. Accept my shortcomings, accept my rose coloured glasses, my paranoia, and all of it.
The second thing that I think is sometimes overlooked at 12 step meetings is the understanding that there is not one truth. There are endless possibilities. Defining and judging, only stops me from opening myself up to all of who I am and all that this world has to offer. My ability to see the bigger picture emerged when I followed this truth for me: “every time you worry about your AH or do something to help him stop drinking or keep up his non-drinking activities, you take away his opportunity to do it for himself.” This doesn’t mean I’m a stone cold bitch. I still encourage us to do activities he enjoys, I still ask questions that probably help me in the short term but don’t help us in the long term. But first and foremost: acceptance. Acceptance of all my flaws and all of his. It’s ok to love someone and it’s ok to stay with them or leave them.
Its been a long year! And the good news is that I have learned to actually have the qualities that I used to only give lip service to. I’ve had some bad experiences with councillors too, who seen to think that their experience with the “alcoholic” mind makes them an expert and don’t hestitate to tell me what I SHOULD think. So, with the help of 2 new councillors, and taking a break so to speak, I’m slowly coming up for breath and getting wiser
there have been so many turning points for me this year. The external advice that has helped me the most (from a councillor who had skills), was to focus only on self-acceptance. It was incredibly hard for me to stop thinking, studying, reading, asking for advice, analyzing etc. And accept all of me. Accept my shortcomings, accept my rose coloured glasses, my paranoia, and all of it.
The second thing that I think is sometimes overlooked at 12 step meetings is the understanding that there is not one truth. There are endless possibilities. Defining and judging, only stops me from opening myself up to all of who I am and all that this world has to offer. My ability to see the bigger picture emerged when I followed this truth for me: “every time you worry about your AH or do something to help him stop drinking or keep up his non-drinking activities, you take away his opportunity to do it for himself.” This doesn’t mean I’m a stone cold bitch. I still encourage us to do activities he enjoys, I still ask questions that probably help me in the short term but don’t help us in the long term. But first and foremost: acceptance. Acceptance of all my flaws and all of his. It’s ok to love someone and it’s ok to stay with them or leave them.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Blueskies18 
It was incredibly hard for me to stop thinking, studying, reading, asking for advice, analyzing etc. And accept all of me. Accept my shortcomings, accept my rose coloured glasses, my paranoia, and all of it.
It's truly about saying this is me, and that's good! Now where you go from there, or not, is irrelevant, right here right now, you are ok.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Blue skies, excellent advice! Your approach to acceptance blew me away. I've been struggling for months...am I supposed to feel this way or that way, is that a bad way to react, am I doing this right? I second guess every action and feeling. I'm so confused! I see my councelor on Wednesday and I'll talk to her about this. I have tears in my eyes, this is very freeing. Thank you!!!!
Originally Posted by Blueskies18
I totally understand where you are coming from. I was all there where you are at the beginning of this year, being vigilant, extra happy about the sobriety, and very worried about what could happen. I was having a tough time in my head, reliving trauma, and feeling desperate. I found that some people on this forum showed understanding... what I think we need the most is to be heard.... and many people here were not helpful, offering advice about what I SHOULD think, and jumping to conclusions that only left me feeling defensive and confused.
Its been a long year! And the good news is that I have learned to actually have the qualities that I used to only give lip service to. I’ve had some bad experiences with councillors too, who seen to think that their experience with the “alcoholic” mind makes them an expert and don’t hestitate to tell me what I SHOULD think. So, with the help of 2 new councillors, and taking a break so to speak, I’m slowly coming up for breath and getting wiser
there have been so many turning points for me this year. The external advice that has helped me the most (from a councillor who had skills), was to focus only on self-acceptance. It was incredibly hard for me to stop thinking, studying, reading, asking for advice, analyzing etc. And accept all of me. Accept my shortcomings, accept my rose coloured glasses, my paranoia, and all of it.
The second thing that I think is sometimes overlooked at 12 step meetings is the understanding that there is not one truth. There are endless possibilities. Defining and judging, only stops me from opening myself up to all of who I am and all that this world has to offer. My ability to see the bigger picture emerged when I followed this truth for me: “every time you worry about your AH or do something to help him stop drinking or keep up his non-drinking activities, you take away his opportunity to do it for himself.” This doesn’t mean I’m a stone cold bitch. I still encourage us to do activities he enjoys, I still ask questions that probably help me in the short term but don’t help us in the long term. But first and foremost: acceptance. Acceptance of all my flaws and all of his. It’s ok to love someone and it’s ok to stay with them or leave them.
Its been a long year! And the good news is that I have learned to actually have the qualities that I used to only give lip service to. I’ve had some bad experiences with councillors too, who seen to think that their experience with the “alcoholic” mind makes them an expert and don’t hestitate to tell me what I SHOULD think. So, with the help of 2 new councillors, and taking a break so to speak, I’m slowly coming up for breath and getting wiser
there have been so many turning points for me this year. The external advice that has helped me the most (from a councillor who had skills), was to focus only on self-acceptance. It was incredibly hard for me to stop thinking, studying, reading, asking for advice, analyzing etc. And accept all of me. Accept my shortcomings, accept my rose coloured glasses, my paranoia, and all of it.
The second thing that I think is sometimes overlooked at 12 step meetings is the understanding that there is not one truth. There are endless possibilities. Defining and judging, only stops me from opening myself up to all of who I am and all that this world has to offer. My ability to see the bigger picture emerged when I followed this truth for me: “every time you worry about your AH or do something to help him stop drinking or keep up his non-drinking activities, you take away his opportunity to do it for himself.” This doesn’t mean I’m a stone cold bitch. I still encourage us to do activities he enjoys, I still ask questions that probably help me in the short term but don’t help us in the long term. But first and foremost: acceptance. Acceptance of all my flaws and all of his. It’s ok to love someone and it’s ok to stay with them or leave them.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Thank you trail mix. It’s really inspiring to have encouragement! And to the OP, we’re here for you while you go through these trying positive and oh so difficult times right now.
Wamama, thank you! About acceptance of me: It’s hard! My natural default is to help others first and to worry. Mindful walking and meditation have helped me to notice when my thoughts start to take over, or when I start to have negative talk about me, my loved ones, my future, and my relationships. There’s no magic way to learn to just observe your thoughts from a calm place. Mostly I practice when I’m walking my dogs to focus on one thing, like my breathing or my feet, or my dogs, to notice when my mind gets lost in thought (it invariably will), and bring it back again. This practice helps me to notice at other times when my mind is wandering down the path of judgement and to bring it back to acceptance.
Wamama, thank you! About acceptance of me: It’s hard! My natural default is to help others first and to worry. Mindful walking and meditation have helped me to notice when my thoughts start to take over, or when I start to have negative talk about me, my loved ones, my future, and my relationships. There’s no magic way to learn to just observe your thoughts from a calm place. Mostly I practice when I’m walking my dogs to focus on one thing, like my breathing or my feet, or my dogs, to notice when my mind gets lost in thought (it invariably will), and bring it back again. This practice helps me to notice at other times when my mind is wandering down the path of judgement and to bring it back to acceptance.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This, this, this!!!!
Originally Posted by dandylion
Lovepeace……..I hope you don't think that you have to walk on eggshells with him, just because you think that you might upset the apple cart. He doesn't get a pass when it comes to disrespecting you or treating you "less than"...…
It is olk. to tell him that you are a free woman, even if you are married to him....that you are willing to consider requests, but that you don't take orders.....because you are his equal---he is, in no way superior to you.
You are not indebted to him, just because he isn't drinking at the moment. I think that lots of alcoholics, think, that, just because they are not drinking, that they get a special pass...that they are doing YOU some kind of favor. If they have got their head screwed on right---they should be abstainent for themselves.
Consider, that there are pleanty of spouses who treat their partner with respect and sensitivity....and they consider being abstainent to be a normal and expected thing.
He might not like your new boundaries of respect....but, he will need an attitude adjustment...…..(early sobriety involves LOTS of attitude adjustments). He can get mad until he gets glad.....nobody stays mad about one single thing, forever.....
as time goes on, you may find yourself growing a firmer backbone and a thicker rhino skin.....lol....
It is olk. to tell him that you are a free woman, even if you are married to him....that you are willing to consider requests, but that you don't take orders.....because you are his equal---he is, in no way superior to you.
You are not indebted to him, just because he isn't drinking at the moment. I think that lots of alcoholics, think, that, just because they are not drinking, that they get a special pass...that they are doing YOU some kind of favor. If they have got their head screwed on right---they should be abstainent for themselves.
Consider, that there are pleanty of spouses who treat their partner with respect and sensitivity....and they consider being abstainent to be a normal and expected thing.
He might not like your new boundaries of respect....but, he will need an attitude adjustment...…..(early sobriety involves LOTS of attitude adjustments). He can get mad until he gets glad.....nobody stays mad about one single thing, forever.....
as time goes on, you may find yourself growing a firmer backbone and a thicker rhino skin.....lol....
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Good advice from all! AH fell off the wagon again. He lied right to my face several times this weekend. I'm finding it more easy to not take it personally. I just don't get what "fun" he gets out of being drunk. Oh well. He says he's hitting the reset button today and he went back to IOP.
Last night he went to bed (passed out) around 7:30. Then he came in here around 9 and I was watching a movie. He wanted me to come to bed. I told him I wasn't tired and that I'd come to bed when I felt like it. Then he goes back to bed, and THEN he comes back in here tells me I need to come to bed. I told him I was a grown-a** woman and I'd come to bed when I was tired.
Bring on the firmer backbone and the rhino skin. I didn't even have a bed time when I was a little kid.
Last night he went to bed (passed out) around 7:30. Then he came in here around 9 and I was watching a movie. He wanted me to come to bed. I told him I wasn't tired and that I'd come to bed when I felt like it. Then he goes back to bed, and THEN he comes back in here tells me I need to come to bed. I told him I was a grown-a** woman and I'd come to bed when I was tired.
Bring on the firmer backbone and the rhino skin. I didn't even have a bed time when I was a little kid.
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