Awal

So the dust has settled after last weeks drama. I decided to have a talk with him about the one to one counselling l had last night. I asked if he had looked at the card l had given him with a self help website address on it. Yes...he had looked, and had thrown it away because its something that doesnt relate to him. He hasn't got a need for alcohol, he just likes a drink now and then. The hiding of bottles has stopped now because he has seen the effect its had on me. He doesn't even know why he did it. But if the counselling meetings are helping me he hasn't a problem with me going. Honestly...he wouldn't do anything to excess.

Give me f***ing strength

suki44883

It sounds like he is being honest with you and has no problem with you going to counseling. What more do you want from him? He is not going to stop drinking, so you need to decide how you are going to deal with that.

Awal

Being honest? Yeah maybe about the counselling.
of course he hasnt stopped hiding it and he knows exactly why...the amounts he drinks makes him feel ashamed...

Awal

Its not ME that should be getting counselling though is it? Would l go for chemo to cure someone else's cancer?

Mango212

Awal,

We become affected by this disease of alcoholism simply by being in the vicinity. Our thoughts, behaviors and actions are "under the influence" of this powerful, baffling, cunning disease also.

We don't get help to cure the other person. We get help to find healing, balance and health in our own lives.

dandylion

Awal....you already know the truth....after all, you know what his other marriage was like. So, when he is stating his "case"....you know what you know.
I absolutely know the powerful temptation for you to try to light the way, for him...and want him to follow....
I remember some of the fights with my own adult son, about his need to go to AA. I beat my head against the wall, so many times. (he wasn't allowed to come to the house or talk to me , on the phone, if he had been drinking). But...he would not agree to go to AA, at that time. Boy--did I ever have to learn to detach!
I think you will have to learn to commit to your own side of that street...every day...one day at a time. Every single day....
the future will unfold as it unfolds...and you will meet it as it unfolds...not trying to rush or control it....

He may realy mean those things, at the time he says them, but, you are learning, by now, that he is controlled by his disease that has a grip on him....and, as you know, the disease allows them to mislead their own selves.....

I agree with you...Pray for strength! (and wisdom)

Awal

ls it normal to be seeing him in a different light now...its almost like there is nothing genuine about him anymore. I doubt everything that he says..even everyday conversation. Its really strange but it sort of feels like he is able to detach himself from what is really happening.
lm living with a robot fuelled by alcohol. Disturbing to say the least. I go away on Friday for my refuge but invited him to visit for a few hours as l felt sorry l was deserting him. He has agreed to come over. But l have mixed feelings about it...is he going to be putting on an oscar winning performance of a caring husband who buys me lunch to try to lull me into a false sense of security...or is it really him being him? I dont know who or what he is now...🤔 utter confusion ensues!!!

dandylion

Awal.....yes, I suspect that it may be normal for him. He may be living within his own bubble....that alcoholism can create....and, some of it may be his own natural personality.
I think that you may be the one who is changing....when we change, when our "filter" changes...everything can look a bit different. Maybe he just can't live up to what you want/need in a relationship, any more---and, you have become aware of this reality.....And, that IS a tough reality to face....but, there is no point in putting the head in the sand....we know where that gets us...lol...

I hope that you will go back and reread the link that I gave you, by Floyd P. Garrett. There are lots of good articles on marriage on his website, also....

trailmix

I think that's completely normal. I know exactly what you mean. I was in a relationship with a narcissist, when I realized what he was, well I should say when I REALLY realized what he was/is I saw everything he said and did in a different light.

It was akin to having a screen removed - I saw everything clearly and as he intended it.

It was great, for me, because I was trying to detach myself from him, there was nothing good to be found there and that revelation allowed me to eventually go no contact with him (kindly, I let him know I didn't just disappear).

More will be revealed.

2018LizAnon

It's so interesting that you mention these feelings. I remember a very definite shift in my thinking, like a revelation. It happened this past May. My ex had cried to me telling me how much he wanted to be back together and that he was going to get help for the drinking. A week later he was drunk texting me. I don't know why, but I just all of a sudden snapped out of it. I realized that I couldn't trust anything my ex said anymore. I still desperately wanted to, but I just couldn't.

What was tough, was when I finally "woke up" , I realized how many times I put up with being treated like crap, and how warped my reality had become since the beginning of the relationship. It hit like a ton of bricks. It brought on a lot of anger, pain, etc., but also relief. It finally felt like I knew the truth and that was very freeing.

AutumnMama

It sounds like you have just lost all your trust in him. That seems pretty reasonable, in your circumstance. Once you truly do not trust a person, you start thinking up crazy things like "what else is he lying about...?"

Unfortunately, that lack of trust isn't something that goes away if/when the alcohol goes away. It seems to be a large part of the reason couples end up splitting even after the alcoholic quits drinking.

Anyway, yes, normal

marie1960

Your husband is doing what alcoholics do. This is how they roll, lie, lie, deny, deflect. Lather, rinse , repeat.

Once I could acknowledge and accept the fact that my wonderful guy and the out of control alcoholic were the SAME person, I was able to begin to reclaim my life.

I empathize with your anger, no doubt the lies attack our very core.

It doesn’t appear he has any desire to change , I believe you stated your husband is retired, think it’s safe to say , medical issues are on the horizon if he continues on this path.

Keep taking care of you, hoping your therapy sessions offer you support, comfort, and knowledge.