dawnrising

Dear AH things that you don’t know -

I pray for you on a regular basis. I pray for your safety, I pray for your health, I pray you don’t hurt yourself or others and I pray that you will seek help because you deserve to be healthy and happy.

When our children tell me they still love you, I say “of course you do he’s your father, love your father. Please do not get into a car with your father thats all I ask. I also tell them no one grows up and wants to become an alcoholic or to have emotional problems. That its amazing you did as well as you did for so long given your family of origin.” I want nothing more than for you to have a healthy, loving relationships in your life, most importantly with our children. They need and deserve a healthy father.

I pray for your Grandmother as well. I wonder how she is doing, I hope she is as comfortable as she can be and I worry about how her eventual loss will affect you.

I pray you have enough time on this earth to repair the relationships with the people you’ve hurt and the people who have hurt you.

I pray that you can find peace within yourself and learn to love and accept who you are and the demons you are fighting. I pray one day you are strong enough to seek authentic help.

Mostly I pray our children won’t have to lose a father young like you did. I pray that their memories of their father are of the happy times, the joyful times and not of what this disease has done to you and our family.

I pray that one day you can forgive me for not being strong enough to watch the man I love disappear into this dark abyss of disease.

I hope one day you understand the devastating choices that I was left with. I tried as hard as I could to throw you a lifeline, I turned myself inside out hoping to pull you back from the edge and the consequences of your choices. I had the impossible choice of allowing this disease to take all four of us deeper or to try and save our children. I would make that choice again but it would feel just a devastating as it did so many months ago.

I pray that one day you will love yourself as much as we all continue to love you. Im crying as I write this. I have made peace that we will never be together again as husband and wife. I have made peace that our family has forever been changed. These tears are solely for you hoping one day you choose health over hate, freedom over fear, peace over pain and learn to love yourself as much as the three of us still love you.

BlownOne

Dawnrising, I share your pain and my heart breaks with you. Prayers and hugs.

FireSprite

I'm crying with you Dawn. That was beautiful.

Mango212

(((hugs)))

dawnrising,

Seems like some strong realization of internal stuff here. These prayers seem to have a common thread of a lot of your own fear flowing through them.

Allowing tears to flow along with words, emotions and grief also allows space for healing, trust and new views on this trauma we experience from alcoholism.

Mango212

20 minutes later, a part of what you prayed is striking home in my heart. Thank you, dawnrising.

"its amazing you did as well as you did for so long given your family of origin. I want nothing more than for you to have a healthy, loving relationships in your life"

dawnrising

I fear for my kids if they eventually lose their father from this disease, they have lost him temporarily. With him not working on sobriety or the other issues and if he dies due to this disease like so many have before they will be left with a giant open hole for life which is exactly what happened to my AH when he lost his dad. I think I am coming to grips that I can't protect them from any of it and he seems unwilling to save himself. I have done the work understanding the disease and its been incredibly hard even with 47 years of life experience, but my adult children lack the life experience and years and years of therapy I have benefited from, its just all so sad. The sadness is a little overwhelming today.

Mango212

Kids are more resilient than we realize. They also are hurt by this illness more deeply than we typically realize. So are we.

Triage: take care of the worse injuries, as each person is willing to accept help. Heal ourselves. Connect in new ways with our kids. Create relationships that become stronger than the injuries we've had.

Yes, prayer. Guidance. Meditation. Blessings.

LovePeaceSushi

Beautifully written. My heart goes out to you, Dawnrising.