Did I Hear My Name Called??
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
But sometimes I feel the threads on here forget there is a HUMAN, a ME behind it all.
What I see from you in this forum is constant projection.
Last time around, you were on board with COD staying & fighting for his marriage & giving his AW another chance because it's what YOU wanted to happen in your life.
And now that you've been served, your hurt colors your opinion that COD should just pull the cord already, because after all, it's what has been done to you.
I think if you could open your mind & read this forum without judging it through your current experience, you'd see there is TREMENDOUS empathy to be had in the majority of threads. And yeah - sometimes that empathy goes to the F&F member & NOT the addict. Huh. Imagine that WE are humans too.
This brings up a great point too - empathy isn't what most people think it is - what you reference sounds more like sympathy bordering on compassion:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I always saw my ex A as a human, but loving an addict is a very lonely place to be. While you continue to care about them they prove over and over how little they care for you and how much more their addiction means to them. It doesn’t just kill the addict it kills the family, the kids and all the people who tried to help them. I witnessed many times my ex finding the strength to get back up on his feet, ask for help and find recovery but he always ran back to the same thing that knocked him down. Eventually us loved ones stop giving more chances, we save ourselves and allow them to deal with their own poison by themselves.
I know many A’s who truly love their children but they continue to drink or relapse and that has a tremendously negative impact on the kids. Their emotional wellbeing as well as their physical wellbeing while in the care of someone under the influence or possibly under the influence is a very real and scary situation for the non A parent having to place the child in that situation.
I know many A’s who truly love their children but they continue to drink or relapse and that has a tremendously negative impact on the kids. Their emotional wellbeing as well as their physical wellbeing while in the care of someone under the influence or possibly under the influence is a very real and scary situation for the non A parent having to place the child in that situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
COD,
good to see you back again! Thank you for the update. Like everyone in this community, I always wonder how you and others are doing between updates. Glad DS is doing well.
You probably know this already, but he likely knows a lot more than he lets on. I sure did. Especially later in life, memories kept popping up that I’ve since learned are *not normal*
personally I feel the key is to keep the communication channels open with DS. You’ve mentioned before that you do that. If he knows he can talk to you about anything, he has that support even if he’s not ready to use it.
I’m conflicted on this next part...
Ok here goes. I really feel that an OP’s thread is theirs and generally try to steer clear of “hijacking” someone’s thread. (Please forgive me COD)
Babescake... this has been said before but bears repeating.
This is the forum for for people who DEAL with alcoholics, NOT the place for us alcoholics to gain support FROM THEM. People in this forum are here because an alcoholic or addict has affected, sometimes outright destroyed their life.
It is is rather disrespectful to come into this forum to try and change THEIR thoughts and behaviors with US.
Recovery teaches us (both alcoholics and family members, I’m a double winner myself) how to keep our own side of the street clean. What that generally means is we do our own best, next right thing.
Telling a a family member in a different family, with their own set of complications, how they should be treating YOU is not how recovery happens. Recovery happens when we let go of other people’s stuff and honestly, genuinely work on our own.
I wish you the the best in your recovery, and sincerely hope that you focus on what YOU need to do to get your life back.
good to see you back again! Thank you for the update. Like everyone in this community, I always wonder how you and others are doing between updates. Glad DS is doing well.
You probably know this already, but he likely knows a lot more than he lets on. I sure did. Especially later in life, memories kept popping up that I’ve since learned are *not normal*
personally I feel the key is to keep the communication channels open with DS. You’ve mentioned before that you do that. If he knows he can talk to you about anything, he has that support even if he’s not ready to use it.
I’m conflicted on this next part...
Ok here goes. I really feel that an OP’s thread is theirs and generally try to steer clear of “hijacking” someone’s thread. (Please forgive me COD)
Babescake... this has been said before but bears repeating.
This is the forum for for people who DEAL with alcoholics, NOT the place for us alcoholics to gain support FROM THEM. People in this forum are here because an alcoholic or addict has affected, sometimes outright destroyed their life.
It is is rather disrespectful to come into this forum to try and change THEIR thoughts and behaviors with US.
Recovery teaches us (both alcoholics and family members, I’m a double winner myself) how to keep our own side of the street clean. What that generally means is we do our own best, next right thing.
Telling a a family member in a different family, with their own set of complications, how they should be treating YOU is not how recovery happens. Recovery happens when we let go of other people’s stuff and honestly, genuinely work on our own.
I wish you the the best in your recovery, and sincerely hope that you focus on what YOU need to do to get your life back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Hi Wehav - we joined at the same time back in 2012. Thank you for the post. Yes, he probably does know far more than what I give him credit. He is at that age, where he is starting to shut down sometimes. He does talk to AW more freely than he does to me.
I forgot this in my original post, then we got sidetracked. But he likes to play "what's your favorite.....? " So, I am lying with him in bed one night getting ready for sleep, and he asks, "Dad, what's your favorite things to drink?" I said, "Let's see how observant you are - you tell me!" He said, "Well, you drink Coke every morning (I can't stand coffee), and you drink water the rest of the day." We went to him, and then I said, "What about mom, what do you think her favorites are?" He replied with: "Oh, that's easy! Coffee in the morning and wine at night!" All I said was, "Okay", and I moved on to school topics.
Yes, he knows. But I think he just thinks mom is 'tired' or not feeling well on those nights when she is deteriorating. So sad.
I forgot this in my original post, then we got sidetracked. But he likes to play "what's your favorite.....? " So, I am lying with him in bed one night getting ready for sleep, and he asks, "Dad, what's your favorite things to drink?" I said, "Let's see how observant you are - you tell me!" He said, "Well, you drink Coke every morning (I can't stand coffee), and you drink water the rest of the day." We went to him, and then I said, "What about mom, what do you think her favorites are?" He replied with: "Oh, that's easy! Coffee in the morning and wine at night!" All I said was, "Okay", and I moved on to school topics.
Yes, he knows. But I think he just thinks mom is 'tired' or not feeling well on those nights when she is deteriorating. So sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
Hi Wehav - we joined at the same time back in 2012. Thank you for the post. Yes, he probably does know far more than what I give him credit. He is at that age, where he is starting to shut down sometimes. He does talk to AW more freely than he does to me.
I forgot this in my original post, then we got sidetracked. But he likes to play "what's your favorite.....? " So, I am lying with him in bed one night getting ready for sleep, and he asks, "Dad, what's your favorite things to drink?" I said, "Let's see how observant you are - you tell me!" He said, "Well, you drink Coke every morning (I can't stand coffee), and you drink water the rest of the day." We went to him, and then I said, "What about mom, what do you think her favorites are?" He replied with: "Oh, that's easy! Coffee in the morning and wine at night!" All I said was, "Okay", and I moved on to school topics.
Yes, he knows. But I think he just thinks mom is 'tired' or not feeling well on those nights when she is deteriorating. So sad.
I forgot this in my original post, then we got sidetracked. But he likes to play "what's your favorite.....? " So, I am lying with him in bed one night getting ready for sleep, and he asks, "Dad, what's your favorite things to drink?" I said, "Let's see how observant you are - you tell me!" He said, "Well, you drink Coke every morning (I can't stand coffee), and you drink water the rest of the day." We went to him, and then I said, "What about mom, what do you think her favorites are?" He replied with: "Oh, that's easy! Coffee in the morning and wine at night!" All I said was, "Okay", and I moved on to school topics.
Yes, he knows. But I think he just thinks mom is 'tired' or not feeling well on those nights when she is deteriorating. So sad.
After my mom od’d, my dad was sooooooo very angry. So angry that my relationship with him went to hell. I understand why, she died and left him with a 13 year old girl to raise. but really wish it had gone differently. I also really wish I could have talked to him about it.
Thats part of why im always rooting for you and DS. As an alkie myself I quietly root for AW too, so she doesn’t end up leaving him motherless. But as you know now, that’s up to her and you’ve got enough on your plate.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Glad about your update and to hear your boy is doing well also. I took a bit longer than "planned" to divorce my exwf also. I think the 'urgency' sorta fades with our feelings and when our focus is put on to others(people/places/things)more deserving of that energy(sometimes ourselves). Keep the documentation up...that stuff is a HUGE help in a child custody hearing! Back in my Dday(early 2000's) that was a damn penned piece of paper! 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
COD,
Glad to hear that you and DS are doing well. I wish you would give yourself some credit on the "program" that you are working. Look back at your first posts and see where your head was, you were swirling in the toilet bowl with her. Now you are watching her swirl, you have moved out of the "bowl".
We all heal in different ways. You could imagine if you divorced her 2 or 4 years ago, how your life would have been so different. You have taken your time to work on a healthy COD before you do the "toughest" thing that you will do in your life. Good for you for making this a calculated decision, and when you are ready and not a day sooner. If in January you are not ready then it can be February. Its your schedule no one elses.
Speaking of SAD, I too would feel it living in the Midwest. This summer I moved to California. Everyday on my lunch break I sit in the sun. It is such a mental boost to me to see and feel the sun and warmth. I had friends who used the light and swear by it. Look into getting one.
Take care, keep working your program, and follow God's path that he has set out for you and DS. Hugs!!
Glad to hear that you and DS are doing well. I wish you would give yourself some credit on the "program" that you are working. Look back at your first posts and see where your head was, you were swirling in the toilet bowl with her. Now you are watching her swirl, you have moved out of the "bowl".
We all heal in different ways. You could imagine if you divorced her 2 or 4 years ago, how your life would have been so different. You have taken your time to work on a healthy COD before you do the "toughest" thing that you will do in your life. Good for you for making this a calculated decision, and when you are ready and not a day sooner. If in January you are not ready then it can be February. Its your schedule no one elses.
Speaking of SAD, I too would feel it living in the Midwest. This summer I moved to California. Everyday on my lunch break I sit in the sun. It is such a mental boost to me to see and feel the sun and warmth. I had friends who used the light and swear by it. Look into getting one.
Take care, keep working your program, and follow God's path that he has set out for you and DS. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Hi COD
i just found your update. It sounds like DS is doing great as are you. All in due time. That was me that got your other thread closed. Sorry about that
SAD - I lived in Seattle area for 12 years. I had it there. It seems to be coming on again now that I'm here in the Midwest. When the sun is out at work, I sit outside at lunch. Right now I'm sitting on the front porch all covered up with a heat dish next to me. When it's too windy I hit the garage. Being outside of the house helps me
i just found your update. It sounds like DS is doing great as are you. All in due time. That was me that got your other thread closed. Sorry about that
SAD - I lived in Seattle area for 12 years. I had it there. It seems to be coming on again now that I'm here in the Midwest. When the sun is out at work, I sit outside at lunch. Right now I'm sitting on the front porch all covered up with a heat dish next to me. When it's too windy I hit the garage. Being outside of the house helps me
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