Where did the man I love go? he suddenly decided he was done
 

Long time lurker, first time poster. TLDR: My live-in boyfriend of six months broke up with me out of the blue after a period where I thought things were getting better after struggling with accepting that he was a secret alcoholic. Struggling with feelings of pain and guilt and would love to hear others' experiences and thoughts but I'm not sure if, because this relationship is over, if this is the right forum.

Six months ago, I, a very wary almost 40 single female who has done so many relationship dances thought I had met the man of my dreams. After four dates, he insisted I move in. I fought all my pessimism and concern about moving too quickly and eventually did so after spending more and more time at his place. His passion was consuming and matched with my own, we liked the same things and had wonderful heartfelt talks. We FELT. I felt things with him I never allowed myself to feel and I was vulnerable for what felt like the first time in a relationship. I felt for the very first time in my life that I had met the person I wanted to be with for the rest of it. The sex was amazing, we seemed to fall all over each other to take care of one another, I was happy and content. I felt I could tell him everything. I felt linked, body and soul, to his moods and we seemed to read each other. I met his family - ALL his family, and he met almost all of mine (except a sister who lives out of town). When his adorable niece would ask him "Are you gonna marry her?" he would smile at me and say yes. We discussed rings, the future, deciding to be childless. I thought he was the perfect partner for me, and that I could be the perfect partner for him.

The light this brought into my life was particularly shiny because I had myself struggled with some mental illness problems ending with me being hospitalized for a major depressive episode and suicide attempt in 2015, events which left me very traumatized for awhile (they believe it was brought on by a bad reaction to birth control pills and it occurred very suddenly in a frightening way that even I can't remember). Since then, I've fought hard to take care of myself mentally and physically, which included exercise, reading, excelling in my work and making sure I was keeping an eye on my substance use and that my relationships were not toxic. I have used alcohol as a crutch in the past so wanted to be sure that I was on top of that.

And then, I started noticing things. Little episodes like he would constantly be covered in this big black bruises he could not explain. At times he seemed slightly loopy or would slur words. In public he would become suddenly clingy and gropey - even when I asked him to stop because I am a very private person about PDA. The latest such episode actually made someone yell at us during a symphony concert about two weeks ago which left me mortified - both because I realized the yeller probably was rightfully annoyed but also because I stood up for us by telling the guy to leave us alone, which my boyfriend thought was a harsh reaction. (This was the same concert where he left his wallet at home but insisted on searching under the seats for 15 minutes because he was convinced he dropped it and I realized with horror how drunk he was.) . The rare argument we had would be more about him insisting that I said something I did not in fact say, or that I was impossible to pin down - which made me feel crazy. This made me start to doubt my self-expression, which is something I have always prided myself on and at the worst times it made me wonder if I needed to He would get in strange moods where he would stop talking to me, which I ascribed to space from moving in together and went out and pursued my own activities. Eventually he would come around and things would proceed as before except I would feel closer to him for having made it through this hurdle - thinking I was finally in a REAL relationship, unlike ones I had kind of kept at arms-length before (and a reason I had waited a few years to date while working on myself).

About three months in, I started noticing how quickly we were going through the liquor in the liquor cabinet and one time I opened the recycling bin and saw three large handles of vodka. We had agreed to split our common expenses on one card to ease into sharing finances but I noticed the liquor was getting replaced`without a charge to our ABC store. I also started getting in the habit of coming home and having a cocktail at night and reading while he cooked. Which started turning into two, then three ..

On a segue, I think an important thing to stress here is except for strange episodes, he was very highly functioning. He got drunk and organized, cleaned, did yard work, did errands, cooked me dinner, held down a very demanding job, was financially successful, very rarely had problems performing in bed. He was meticulously groomed. He took good care of the dog (we both did, all of this describes us both because I have an amazing and very successful life). Except for his moodiness and the times where he kept telling me i had said something I hadn't, he was very good spirited and calm. Except ...

He had a hard time in public, and especially around my own friends. He had very few friends, most from the past and he did not socialize much with the two I know are still in his life when we were together despite me actively encouraging it. He got amicably divorced about 14 years ago but stayed friends with his ex (according to him) and only had one other serious relationship about ten years ago where he said she was crazy and had her move out. Since then he has been alone, so many quirks I assumed were from being alone so long. Although his family lives close even when I met them it seemed like a very formal relationship, and he once told me he actually didn't like his parents at all. I am very close to my family, particularly after the horrible events in 2015 and lean on them and a network of friends, many of whom don't live in my city but have stayed close throughout the years. And I am myself a quirky person who lived alone for many years.

I think what I am saying is that I had figured out what was happening but I had decided that this man was my life partner and I was going to stay by him come hell or high water. I believed myself specially positioned to understand this pain and offer non-judgmental compassion. I began reading al-anon sights and tried to practice loving detachment. I went to a doctor and my therapist about the sudden onset of depression and anxiety I was beginning to experience - so bad I could not stay in the ned with him all night but slept in the guest room (he would be incredibly hurt by this distancing and said it made him not trust me so I would take sleeping pills to try to stay in bed with him all night). After a few terrible nights on a recent trip where he skipped dinner with some of my oldest friends because he was "tired" and I came home to find him passed out reeking of booze, I decided to focus more on myself and beat my depression and just support him where I could while being careful not to enable him. I bought B1 vitamins and gave them to him along with his coffee every morning. I quit drinking, I restarted with a vengeance all the things that made me healthy and happy as I was when I met him.

Last Sunday we were cleaning out and organizing the house for Fall. I went to put some soap underneath his side of the bathroom sink when I saw a large glass sitting there. It was red bull and vodka - something he would make for himself in huge yeti tumblers. I had noticed he had not been drinking around me since we returned from our trip the week before but that the vodka bottles had continued emptying all the same. I tried not to notice, but I did. I dwelled on whether to say something. I had already had a crying fit during our trip when I confessed that I believed that part of the reason I had been feeling so anxious and depressed was that I noticed all the bottles and he had told me that it wasn't a problem. I knew from reading that it was pointless to argue with denial, that he had to make up his own mind.

And yet, the secret drinking was too far especially in a relationship where we had promised each other transparency and I had made myself be so open. It ate at me for days, and finally Tuesday I told him about the discovery. "Honey," I said, "I promise not to bother you about your drinking but the secrecy I cannot take. We can do better." "I didn't want you to know," he said. I took a deep breath and said "I know, honey. I've always known. I love you and I'm here."

After that we settled into a sweet routine and I felt closer to him than ever. Great lovemaking, I knew he was still drinking though but I tried to ignore it. I continued on with re-establishing my healthy patterns.Yesterday morning, I woke up and he was not there. Since he's typically very physically grabby I thought it odd that I didn't notice him go. I took the dog on a walk, and when I returned I saw him at the end of the hall. He walked in the bedroom and said my first name, formally. I laughed, and said his first name back mockingly, and then he said "this relationship isn't working out for me. I know now I'm not going to propose to you and I don't want to marry you. And I want to meet someone to marry so I don't want to waste any more of your time."

I knew better than to beg for another chance but I almost did. Instead I asked him if he had any idea what he was doing to me. "Well of course I care," he said very calmly. I'm not kicking you out. I walked around for a few minutes in a state of shock then texted my parents (my parents, btw had been noticing a little decline for me the last few times I'd visited but wanted to be careful to say nothing). My dad texted back he would come with a van. I went in the living room and asked him if he could send me the money for our card and if he could not be there the next day so we could put a van in the driveway. I also asked him if he could move a large plant of mine that he had repotted and help with some other things. He agreed. I almsot lost it again "why are you doing this?" but the pain was so bad I decided to jsut leave and stayed with my wonderful and supportive parents last night. I finally confessed all I had been dealing with.

This morning I stopped by my apartment (which I thankfully kept) and saw he had dropped off a lot of my stuff, which I appreciated. However, when we got to his house and pulled up the driveway we saw that both cars were there and I realized he was still there. I had my dad wait in the car. I went inside. He had packed up most of my stuff which was actually very helpful as there was a lot. He had music playing, the fifth of vodka that was full the day before had half an inch left.

I went to the back bedroom where he was putting on his shoes. I thanked him and told him "but I asked you to not be here and you are. I need you to leave" He kept saying my name over and over like I was this terrible crazy person and I just said "my dad is here to help, please leave." I went to the front of the house to tell my dad I was bringing boxes out and heard him yell my name, but then nothing until he got the dog and the truck pulled out. Then I finished packing the stuff that was left and we put it in my old place. I blocked his number.

I know I can't look back. I know no contact is the best path forward but I am hurting so much because I think I totally underestimated this. Who knows? Maybe I wasn't right for him but I keep replaying things in my mind and the hurt washes over and over.

A good friend with an alcoholic mother told me through my tears, he did you the biggest favor. And yet ... and yet I feel as if my world has been torn apart. I have never felt anything like this pain and I have suffered through terrible life tragedies, things that are so awful I don't even want to burden any stranger with them.

And here I am, burdening strangers. And yet, is Al-Anon the place for me now that he will not be part of my life anymore? Is it selfish because he won't be there anymore and yet people are still suffering the very real effects of an alcoholic who is presently in their life. I jsut feel like I need to find people who understand this. I feel like finding that will help me remember that I will get through this.

I think the oddest part about all of this is somewhere I knew he would always end it like this. I wish I would've listened and ran or at least slow down before I let him take my heart.

Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry you are hurting fightingfair. I don't have time to write a lot at the moment but the relationship you have described sounds very familiar. To me, his behavior i.e the love-bobmbing, mentioning marriage so early on, the soul mate stuff etc., sounds very typical of narcissists and some alcoholics.

Al anon will still be good for you even if you are not with him. The people there will relate and understand.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly with some more ES&H. Be gentle to yourself in the meantime.

Hi fightingfair, glad you decided to post.

Well, from a first take on it, it looks like he would just like to - drink? You know him much better, what's your take on it?

Even though you told him that the drinking didn't need to be hidden etc, that's really about him, not you. That's about his shame and how he thinks he is supposed to be perhaps. Not an alcoholic - a high achiever, meticulously groomed, takes care of things etc.

So what seems like a great thing, no secret drinking, just be yourself - to you, might not really be to him. He may not want anyone else to "see" that side of him. It's not you, it's him and he has also pushed away family and friends, probably for the very same reason.

I am really sorry you got hurt in all of this. I think Al-Anon would absolutely be helpful.

No offense..BUT.. It's his house..I'd NEVER let someone move outta my place without I or an associate being there(hell..even the cops if need be.) You seem way too wrapped up in this 'fling' and I'd, personally(and I've done this before) 100% have someone there while you and your father moved your stuff out. I have expensive stuff. Props to him for having it packed up! As for the Vodka..again..his house and he ended it,so that's his thing and he apparently is an honest guy that does what he does.. Be glad it's over, if you weren't happy and try not to blame 'alcoholism'..Maybe it just didn't work for him anymore.. relationships end every second, booze/drugs included or not.

Thank you so much. I had actually did a lot of reading about narcissists (dated a few back in the day) and all the stages. It was totally my initial reluctance to commit and move in so quickly that came from that. I think it probably is part of it although I felt he was a good man with an illness and there were many things he did in our relationship that showed me that. It adds to my heartbreak knowing who he is ... under there.

I know I need to stop playing armchair psychologist and stop the overanalyzing and move on, thank you so much for your encouragement to attend a meeting. I have located one and will attend this week.

And thank you for reading such a lonnnnnng entry. I think somehwere, I jsut needed to get it all out.

You are right. I mistakenly assumed that no secret drinking was me telling him I accepted him for who he is. For him, I think maybe it was realizing he had never really hidden it from me. Thank you for your perspective.

Yes, I think that also hurt was thinking he could not trust me on that and you are right that maybe it was his concern. I always took the greatest care with his stuff and his dog. He actually hadn't packed up all my stuff, but we discussed the day before the fact it was going to be difficult with him there and he had promised not to be., so it hurt he was ignoring that and attempting to talk to me.

You are right that I was wrapped up in this relationship and I seek to do better and be better to myself in the future. Thank you for your insight.

Fightingfair,

He honestly did you a favor. I know that you’re hurting and I understand the pain; I’ve been there. Mine was functional until he wasn’t—and then it was really, really bad. We had the talks about his drinking and how he would get help, and I begged and cried; he never got help or made any effort to stop drinking. I would never wish what I went through on anyone, even my ex. He’s now living with some piece of trash, in a literal shack—and it’s his choice. He could have been in a beautiful home. Oh well.

Honestly, you are much better off without him. I’m sorry.

You may have been too wrapped up in the relationship but a lot of people do that, myself included so don't beat yourself up. The pain your going through is awful and I'm sorry your going through it. Great place to vent in here.

So sorry for your pain.

You have been a terrific partner and I’m positive that it’s nothing that you did. I would imagine that he does love you and perhaps that’s why he ended it. ALcoholism is a downward spiral. I bet that he knows how bad his problem is and doesn’t want to hurt you more in the long run. I think eventually it would come down to an ultimatum and I think he told you through his actions the choice he would make.

Take time to heal. You deserve everything that you thought you had. Your intuitions about his drinking and the secrecy were huge red flags....you were right to be concerned. Always listen to your inner voice.

Best wishes going forward

Thank you - I am realizing by reading through people's experiences more and more the favor he did me. I wish I had more to offer to the people who still have to continue to deal with this.

fightingfair…...I am sorry for your excruciating pain.....
"Where did the man I love go?"......I propose that you ever knew the real man. You may have known some facets of him, sure....but, not the whole person. His real self was, very apparently, being masked by the alcoholic self.
He was, probably trying very hard to keep the extent of his disease hidden from you, at first...probably white knuckling, a lot...but, at about 3 months, couldn't keep it undercover, any longer.
I imagine that he was attracted to you....but, alcoholism is a powerful force....and when it comes to a choice of a relationship and the alcohol...it is not even a close call for that practicing alcoholic who is pretty far along, in their disease....and he seems, from what you said, to be pretty far along....
AA is full of people who have lost everything....jobs, homes, children, spouses, health, etc.

In a way, it is fortunate that you met him this far along in his disease...because, had you met him earlier....it may have taken years for you to get to where you are now....yes, it was 6months, and a ton of pain....which I don't want to minimize......but, it could have taken sooo much more from you....
God bless him for leaving you...because he did something (altruistically or not--probably not) that I would bet my kids' milk money that you could not have done. (I have been there) You tied yourself in knots to stay and make it work.....lol...A woman in love will do that!! I have been there.

golly----looking back at a relationship that ended for me....I thought I couldn't live without him, and would never love like that, again. Today (years later), I thank God that he ended it and moved to another town for his residency---because I know that I couldn't have ended it as abruptly, as that....He spared me so much pain...that I could never realize, at the time.....

You are going to grieve....it is unavoidable...you have suffered a sudden and traumatic loss. Yes...alanon and your therapist will help you a lot....
Grieving is the first part of the healing process....
Have faith that you will have joy and love, again....because you will...

Hi, fighting fair.
Welcome.
Sadly, your situation is not an uncommon one round here.
Meet someone amazing who checks every box and then some.
Fall hard and fast, move in together, then...
Too much alcohol going too fast.
Moodiness, not talking, blaming, then turning it all on you, making it your issue, your problem.
Alcohol addict playbook, page 10.
I can’t really speak to the relationship part of things, as the addict in my life is a family member, not an SO.
But, my opinion only, I think that addicts have a big, empty place in them that nothing can fill.
I think they approach every relationship as the one that will fix them, fill the empty, make them whole.
Of course, that won’t happen because no one has that power.
There is a whole lot more to the condition than that, of course, and I want to say again that these are my thoughts only, so make of it what you will.
Very sorry for your sadness. I hope you will come to see that you have dodged a bullet here.

Blame alcoholism?

I hope that anyone who just reads here, who posts, who is thinking about posting, will and know that the people here care to support them and care to listen to their story and try to see where things have gone wrong, where help is available and where things might make a turn for the better.

When there is alcoholism involved it can be a huge factor.

Do you feel better now?

To a woman wanting EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE from other co-dependents you minimize and trivialize her experience.

Nasty. Just nasty.

I'm so happy that women like us are rising up against you and your ilk.

Go the feck away and leave us to our grieving. Nasty and MEGA sad. Get yourself a life.

Was reading this this morning and thought of you.

"When we stop trusting our truth, when we repress our instincts, when we tell ourselves there must be something wrong with the way we are feeling, what we feel or believe, we deal a deadly blow to our self and our health. When we cut ourselves off from our centre we feel crazy. We don't have to forfeit our truth or our power to others, that is codependency". ~ melody beattie..the language of letting go.

Hi FF, I'm sorry this has all ended so badly. Don't blame yourself for not knowing, As are very good at hiding especially at the beginning when they want to keep a relationship going. Time takes it toll though, and you can't hide it forever.

It sounds like he's well down the road of alcoholism. Try Googling the stages of alcoholism and you will recognise just how advanced he is. Assuming he's about your age, he has another decade before his body shows the toll of the disease.

From what you've posted I've no doubt he had strong feelings for you, but when he had to face the idea of doing something about his drinking, he chose to end it. In a way it was a selfless decision.

Please try and stay no contact. You may be tempted to drag it out longer, but it has no future. You do.

This was exactly the fear that was making me hesitate so much at the end, particularly when he continued to bring up marriage. I saw this scenario playing out in my head over and over. Even if the best case, I saw him getting sober then continuously relapsing and me tearing myself to shreds trying to support him. Thank you for sharing your experience, I hope you are healing from the pain.

Thank you for your very kind words. It probably makes no difference now if he actually loved me or not, but I certainly loved him and can see now the gift he has given me. After reading through this site, I have decided to make a plan to heal myself and move forward and work with Al-Anon in my city so that I hopefully can one day help others with my own experiences.

This is hard to hear but it was also a thought that tortured me many times. I also want to thank you dandylion - many of your comments on other posts have been helpful to me as I have taken the time to read threads to understanding what I am going through

Yes! In the beginning I noticed a sort of nervous intensity and a lot of odd sweating that I now realize subsided at the same time I began noticing the other strange things.

You are right. I would not have left him. I was willing to let this slowly kill me rather than leave him and that is the part I need to work on. I would probably tell you the amounts of internet research I did on ways to try to make it work but I sense you get that already. I think to further complicate matters, my father was an alcoholic when I was growing up but has been in recovery for many years now and has a very loving and stable relationship with my mother. I think that's what I was clinging to. Thank god for my mother who, in the last two days when my father was not around, reminded me how the experience almost killed her and pointed out how there were so many of the same behaviors my dad did - including the out of the blue "it's over" - that sounded exactly the same. More bewildering I forgot this because I spent a lot of time holding my mother's hand during this time. And yet, I was willing to become that time of her life all over again. Thank you again for sharing and helping me open my eyes a little wider. I do want joy and hope and to love fully and healthfully again one day.