hummingbird358

my AS should have 2 months sober this weekend. Last weekend sounded great and was doing well...
I feel something changed this week. Very withdrawn, not answering texts.
Doesn't live near me so I can't see him to see how he is.
I want to call or send a text and congratulate on the 2 months but feeling that relapse occurred. just not sure.
depression was extreme but seemed okay last weekend.
not sure what happened during this week.

I plan on calling today. just not sure what to say w/out coming out and asking. my counselor said not to put the focus on relapse

trailmix

Well if you are happy that your counselor is providing good advice, why not just try giving him a call and ask him how he's doing and how the weather has been?

Just a normal phone call would probably be appreciated by him.

hummingbird358

reached out and was told that depression is that bad doesn't want to talk. feels like human waste. still sober got 60 day token.
sent pic of it.
The depression is awful. Self harming by cutting now to replace the booze that numbed before.
on anti depressants but it doesn't take the guilt shame away

Maudcat

That’s hard. I am so sorry. I hope he heals.

Mango212

hummingbird,

This is a lot for you to also deal with. Reaching out and strengthening our own support networks is super important. (((hugs)))

Kudos on posting here for some of that support. It sucks not being able to help loved ones who are depressed/ill/addicted.

atalose

I remember those days where I often felt something was off with my son and didn’t have eyes on him because he was living out of state. I would always assume relapse had happened, it’s awful having that pit in your stomach worried out of your mind feeling. I realized I needed to work harder on my own triggers and not travel down that negative road for very long.

The positives here hummingbird358 are, he is 60 days sober and I’m sure the longer sober time he gets the better he can face those feelings of guilt and shame.

trailmix

hummingbird, I saw this post of yours in your other thread:

Now, i'm no expert here but when you have a person who is self-harming and severely depressed, why is it that you cannot encourage him to go to in-treatment?

He may not listen to you, that is true. But you are his Mother and I can't see why your hands are tied here. While I 100 percent believe that an alcoholic's path is theirs to walk and that we didnt' Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it, that's not what we are talking about here.

We are talking about mental illness of a different sort, we are talking about depression and self harm. That's not alcoholism, that's a different kettle of fish. You also have no control over this but you mentioned before, I believe, that you have been given permission to speak to his counsellors, have you discussed this with them at all, the self harm?

hopeful4

My heart hurts for you. Big hugs from one momma to another.

hummingbird358

I was able to talk to him last night. I told him that he should not be afraid of going to a mental hospital because they can help him. I have told him that he cared enough about his life to seek help for the alcohol so why would he not for his depression. He would rather just not be here. I did email his psychiatrist and left her know how bad it is and received no reply. I also called his therapist and left her know how bad he is again. I didn't receive a call back.
He did to a 30 inpatient for alcoholism. As soon as discharged, depression set back in. Still refusing to go to sober living. I don't pay his bills, rent, etc. so it is hard for me to force him into it. Feels he will still have the same feelings whether he is alone or surrounded by peers. Says he deserves to feel this pain because of all he has done in the past with is his long term relationship. Feels he is worthless.

Mango212

hummingbird,

I'm sorry he's hurting.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I get it. The good times give me hope. Seeing people in recovery from any part of these issues gives me hope. Seeing seemingly 'impossible' things happen give me hope. My own healing gives me hope.

Cyranoak

As you read this please read it knowing it is meant with your best interests in mind-- stop supervising his recovery and sobriety including any form of congratulations or anything indicating you are keeping track of his length of sobriety. It does not help, and doing so is a form of controlling and codependency. I have an adult child with issues as well-- I know it's very hard and very painful.

CodeJob

Hummingbird,

You called his resource team about your concerns. You did the right thing. I will pray he sorts out the cutting.

Does he lift weights or run? A lot of addicts have success turning their intense focus into exercise... what release do you have? Do you regularly work out? I hope your daughter and family are doing OK.

atalose

I also agree that reaching out to his resource team about your concerns was the right thing to do. Expecting them to contact you back or include you in their treatment approach is not something you should expect or be waiting around for.

It’s like seeing a house on fire, you call 911, you don’t go running into it.

hummingbird358

Didn't hear much from him last week. His counselor told me he was engaging and they had a counseling session, etc..... Tonight he calls and tells us he is no longer going to IOP because it is boring and he doesn't get anything out of it...
We told him we didn't support his decision. He will need to find a new psychiatrist now and that won't be easy. He plans on going to AA meetings, etc to continue in his recovery. Talked about volunteering and doing chair work at the meetings. I SO wanted to call him out on that. He talked before about volunteering and he didn't do so. He talks this way and then never follows through. I wanted to tell him as well if he slips back in the hole and starts using, the next time he wants help it will be through the Salvation Army because we are done paying..I didn't say it but so wanted to.

hopeful4

Ugh. It has to be VERY DIFFICULT to watch him make such poor decisions. I am so sorry. Keep your boundaries.

Big hugs!

trailmix

No reason not to give him this information. In the vein of "say what you mean but don't say it mean" - you could simply state that you are sorry he left the program but need him to know that going forward you will be unable to pay for further treatment.

That's it, that's all. Then when he does come back to you about it, if he does, you can state that you had let him know and leave it at that. No need to ever JADE - Justify - Argue - Defend - Explain