Finally done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 2
Finally done
Well. First time posting. Ive been with ah for 28 years. He had quit for 8 years then started and has been at it for the last 20 years. So done. Kids are grown up and moved. So thats good. My problem is he wont leave. We bought a hobby farm and have 2 horses and a dog. They are my horses and my dog but i have to leave if i want out. Fml. I know. First world problems. I also know leaving everything i own in the hands of an alcoholic is asking for trouble but i am at my wits end. I will have to board my horses and find a pet friendly apartment and this just takes time. But today he has stepped over the line. After running out of booze he drove himself to tbe beer store to get more. I threatened to call the cops on him myself. Well you can guess how that went. So done with it all that im prepared to be financially ruined by it all. Again. Fml. I know this aounds trivial to some of you but i am 52 years old and will have to start again. Ugh.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
Welcome, hadenuf. What you have written doesn't sound trivial at all. It sounds like many other stories around here. The good thing is, you don't have to do anything in the next 15 minutes. Take a deep breath and try to relax a bit.
I would suggest, before you do anything, that you contact an attorney and find out exactly what your rights are. It is entirely possible that you won't have to leave everything and start over from scratch. If you have been together for 28 years, you have as much right to your farm as he has, so an attorney can work most of that out with you.
I'm not sure what he did that stepped over the line, but I hope it wasn't physical violence. That is never, ever acceptable. If it did happen, I suggest you also contact the domestic violence hotline. Their national hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. They can direct you to a local center. https://www.thehotline.org/
Again, welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
I would suggest, before you do anything, that you contact an attorney and find out exactly what your rights are. It is entirely possible that you won't have to leave everything and start over from scratch. If you have been together for 28 years, you have as much right to your farm as he has, so an attorney can work most of that out with you.
I'm not sure what he did that stepped over the line, but I hope it wasn't physical violence. That is never, ever acceptable. If it did happen, I suggest you also contact the domestic violence hotline. Their national hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. They can direct you to a local center. https://www.thehotline.org/
Again, welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, hadenuf.
Welcome.
Lots of support here.
I second Suki’s advice. Consult an attorney and find out what your rights are.
You may not have to leave your horses and dog.
Most attorneys will do a free first consult.
Good luck and good thoughts,
D
Welcome.
Lots of support here.
I second Suki’s advice. Consult an attorney and find out what your rights are.
You may not have to leave your horses and dog.
Most attorneys will do a free first consult.
Good luck and good thoughts,
D
I would also suggest talking with an attorney to find out your legal rights. I hope the support here can help you get thru these trying times. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hi Haden and welcome, sorry you are going through such a rough time right now.
As mentioned, a consultation with an attorney is a good first step. Especially since he is drunk driving, since you have decided to end the marriage getting divorced as soon as possible is a good idea perhaps? You don't want his insurance/financial woes to be yours should he get caught or (hopefully not) hurt someone else or himself.
I'll just throw this out as an idea. Since you have a hobby farm would it be possible for you to stay on the property with him? Possible to perhaps have a small house or cabin built or RV/trailer that he could move in to (if he can be convinced to do that) or barring that, for you to move in to.
Now I make this suggestion not knowing if you are in any kind of danger, so of course it comes with that disclaimer!
I hope you keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
As mentioned, a consultation with an attorney is a good first step. Especially since he is drunk driving, since you have decided to end the marriage getting divorced as soon as possible is a good idea perhaps? You don't want his insurance/financial woes to be yours should he get caught or (hopefully not) hurt someone else or himself.
I'll just throw this out as an idea. Since you have a hobby farm would it be possible for you to stay on the property with him? Possible to perhaps have a small house or cabin built or RV/trailer that he could move in to (if he can be convinced to do that) or barring that, for you to move in to.
Now I make this suggestion not knowing if you are in any kind of danger, so of course it comes with that disclaimer!
I hope you keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Hadenuf. Nothing new to add, just want to emphasize the importance of consulting a lawyer. It seems a lot of folks come here assuming they have no choice but to leave everything they've worked for behind, but that's not always the case. Sometimes that IS what people decide to do, if it's going to take a very long time and a huge amount of money to settle things. Other times, the situation can be resolved quite favorably for the non-A with only moderate amounts of time and money. From what I've read here over the years, it's well worth your while to find out exactly how things may play out in your state (states vary WIDELY in how divorce is handled).
SR is a great place to find support and your OWN recovery, regardless of what your AH does or doesn't do. Alanon might be a good f2f counterpart for you; it worked that way for me in the early days.
I grew up on a farm myself, in fact just returned from a visit to my mom who still lives on what is left of the land after their bankruptcy in the early 1990s. I live in my grandma's house, which has been in the family for nearly 80 years now, 28 of which have been mine. I totally understand the importance of your land, your home, your animals. Don't give up on all that w/o first finding out if you really HAVE to...
Hope you continue to read and post, hoping to hear more from you in the days to come. And of course tremendously rooting for you to keep your place and your critter friends!
SR is a great place to find support and your OWN recovery, regardless of what your AH does or doesn't do. Alanon might be a good f2f counterpart for you; it worked that way for me in the early days.
I grew up on a farm myself, in fact just returned from a visit to my mom who still lives on what is left of the land after their bankruptcy in the early 1990s. I live in my grandma's house, which has been in the family for nearly 80 years now, 28 of which have been mine. I totally understand the importance of your land, your home, your animals. Don't give up on all that w/o first finding out if you really HAVE to...
Hope you continue to read and post, hoping to hear more from you in the days to come. And of course tremendously rooting for you to keep your place and your critter friends!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
You'd be so surprised at how strong and resilient
you are as a women. At close to 50 myself, 25yrs
married, kids grown and gone, I did my footwork
looking for job that would be my golden ticket to
bring me back to my home town and out of my marriage.
I was the alcoholic in recovery with yrs sober
before making my move and successfully left
with help from my spouse. I got an attorney and
he drew up papers and everything was done
thru both our lawyers thru the mail and our
marriage was done peacefully and amicably
leaving emotions out of it with no verbal communication
between us.
Today im close to 10 yrs remarried in a healthy,
happy, honest relationship in a place I can now
call home.
Stay strong and confident in whatever decisions
you make for yourself to achieve peace and serenity
in your life.
you are as a women. At close to 50 myself, 25yrs
married, kids grown and gone, I did my footwork
looking for job that would be my golden ticket to
bring me back to my home town and out of my marriage.
I was the alcoholic in recovery with yrs sober
before making my move and successfully left
with help from my spouse. I got an attorney and
he drew up papers and everything was done
thru both our lawyers thru the mail and our
marriage was done peacefully and amicably
leaving emotions out of it with no verbal communication
between us.
Today im close to 10 yrs remarried in a healthy,
happy, honest relationship in a place I can now
call home.
Stay strong and confident in whatever decisions
you make for yourself to achieve peace and serenity
in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by
I grew up on a farm myself, in fact just returned from a visit to my mom who still lives on what is left of the land after their bankruptcy in the early 1990s. I live in my grandma's house, which has been in the family for nearly 80 years now, 28 of which have been mine. I totally understand the importance of [I
I grew up on a farm myself, in fact just returned from a visit to my mom who still lives on what is left of the land after their bankruptcy in the early 1990s. I live in my grandma's house, which has been in the family for nearly 80 years now, 28 of which have been mine. I totally understand the importance of [I
your [/I]land, your home, your animals. Don't give up on all that w/o first finding out if you really HAVE to...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Nothing new to add, but this is not trivial, at all! This is a huge, upsetting, traumatizing event in your life. I'm not saying give up and hide under the covers, but do treat yourself with love and kindness. Do things you enjoy, things that are just for you. I'm sorry for what you are going through, most of the people here on SR are goibg through, or have gone through, the same thing. Hugs, hugs, hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Isn’t 50 the new 30? It shouldn’t matter what age we are, what matters is that you have the right to be happy. I agree with others, get a lawyer and get it worked out. My X wouldn’t move out either. I really didnt ask him to as we never had a “divorce” conversation just sometimes when we argued and I said I was leaving , he would say good because I am not. I just knew I had to to leave and to avoid any confrontation, I had all my important stuff already at a family members home, he went to work one day, and little did he know, I had the day off of work so as soon as he left, I packed all my clothes in my car, took pictures of everything I left, went to my family members home (filed the papers the day before) called him on the phone and told him...that was it. With my attorney, I was able to get movers and get all my stuff out of the house, he refinanced it and paid me my equity. The attorney was expensive but I look at it as an investment in my future.
Good Luck to you.
Good Luck to you.
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