Glenjo99

I'm so angry today. Not really looking for advice, I'm just venting.

19 weeks ago today I walked out on him. 12 weeks ago today, he told me he needed to cut contact and focus on his recovery.

Maybe I need my head examined, but it is where I'm at.

I'm just angry.


I'm angry because in the course of a usual friendship or relationship you get to talk about the ending, for the most part, with the other person.

I'm angry because I've been doing everything "by the book" and today I feel not much better. My friend said to me during the week, your a decent person and the reason you haven't contacted him, got angry at him, and been allowing him his space, is because a decent person who loves someone wants the best for them and doesn't want to interfere with his recovery. That made me feel good.

​​​​​​Today im angry because I miss him desperately,wonder what he's doing, has he a new love, is he healthy and happy. I know a codependent in recovery is supposed to put the focus on myself but today that's where I'm at.

I don't believe I'll ever get over him, although I've had days I thought I would.

Thanks for allowing me vent.

Seren

Excellent venting!!

And believe me, it's not something we haven't all faced at one point or another.

Serenity now!!!!

I get it, really.

Please come and vent any time, and although I hate to disagree...

...you will get over this person. Promise!

Glenjo99

Thanks, it helps to vent. Serenity now indeed. Courage and wisdom.

trailmix

As it should and I think this person is really nice (as are you)!

However. Nice is nice, letting someone walk on you is another. This is a good time, perhaps to say screw you to him (the ex, not the friend!).

Interfere with his recovery. Want the best for him. Allowing him his space.

These things are keeping you tied to him you know. Not suggesting you should feel any particular way but this all-forgiving all-loving all-sacrificing approach is why you are kind of stuck.

BlownOne

Learning to detach without losing our minds in the process is something that takes time. Loving from a distance is not a normal course of activity. In fact, it's very unnatural. So it takes time and patience to be able to navigate those waters by instinct, because "going by the book" doesn't always work. I'm going thru the exact same thing right now and it's very hard. I keep my sanity by minding my own business as best I can and trying to remind myself that whoever or whatever is running the show loves that person more than I do. All I can do is let go and let it play out.

Glenjo99

It's only when I read it back, I realise i do look a bit like a doormat. I actually hate the word nice. Precer to be respected. I wrote another short letter today and all I wanted was to see him. I should say screw you? Interfere with his recover? You think...

Glenjo99

I know what you mean. I'm trying. It does feel very unnatural. Going by the book is tiring and I think being more instinctual is good advice, although if I'd done that earlier on I'd have sent him some letters by now I'd say. Maybe I should have but was trying to detach and look after my own stuff, minding my own business. Its just hard full stop. I'm working everyday at trusting the universe to let it work out. Today I'm probably trying trying to control again. Back to drawing board.

BlownOne

You're the only one who knows what will work for you. Just go easy on yourself. You're only human. No one is an expert at any of this stuff. Cut yourself some slack for doing the best that you know how to do. That's really all any of us can do, and I think you're doing just fine so far. Hugs to you

LifeRecovery

I want to clap my hands for you feeling angry.

I had not let myself feel it, ever. I was afraid it would look like my dad did anger (which was more rage filled).

For me anger is typically a sign that a boundary has been broken. Either by someone else or at myself for trying to accommodate the bad behavior of another.

I was terrified to tell my therapist I was angry the first time.

She clapped for me, and I promised in that moment to always applaud those who are willing to feel it, share it so they can move through it.

Anger got me busy, it got me moving it got me outwards of myself and honestly it got me unstuck.

trailmix

I think if you are angry, be angry. You should be angry. The way he has treated you is horrible. The - I must look after myself so after months of constant contact and you spending your time and money to come visit me and me having a complete drug fuelled break down and then blaming you for me being suicidal and having to ask for help, I will just tell you I need my space and I'll contact you maybe when I do amends (if ever).

Well isn't that lovely.

Yes, addicts need recovery time. Yes, all people need "recovery" time. That does not excuse horrendous behaviour, ever, at all, nada.

There is no excuse for his coldness. He is looking out for number 1 (which he probably always has been if the truth be told).

If you really want to send him email, I think you should. Just keep in mind one thing. This person has shown a total disregard for anyone's feelings but his own, he cannot be trusted.

If you send that email you may never get a response and that's going to hurt. I don't know how you can deal with it but you might have to.

Glenjo99

Wow when you put it like that doesn't read to good does it. I hear you with the trust thing. I'll have to see what I need to do, think on it. No there's no excuse for his coldness, even in recovery.

Glenjo99

Thanks! Yes I have a feeling anger will help me get unstuck, eventually too. Appreciate your hand clap.

Glenjo99

Thanks so much. Great to remind myself that no one is an expert in all of this. I am doing best I can with what I have.

Leelee168

Glenjo, do you remember my post about wanting to run him over with a cement mixer truck? Yeah. I was right where you are. Fortunately, there was no way for me to get access to that truck, but I do still have days when I’m so incredibly angry at him and then I can let it go. Then I feel sorry for him, although that’s lasting only about 2 seconds now. The emotions are rough and I find that sometimes they swing from one extreme to another. Hang in there, it will get better.

Glenjo99

Oh yeh I forgot that! Thanks, they really just sneak up on you but it's good that I'm feeling them.

Glenjo99

Whilst I'm venting, something else I'm noticing is the weekends seem to be always a trigger for me. Reading back over some of my writing, Saturdays I tend to get very angry and most uneasy and emotional. Wonder if it's anything to do with walking out on a Saturday, probably reading too much into that.

I can see why codependentcy has been renamed "self love deficit disorder" by some people. I am not loving myself one bit this weekend, no matter how hard I try. Been out meditating in nature, did a 6 mile run this morning, doing grateful journal and on here venting, am I notice I don't feel at all good in myself. Had been making strides in that lately, this weekend I'm not. Criticising myself, thinking I must have been some fool to be have been "duped" or done over by him, be it consciously or unconsciously. Yet I still miss him. Cannot find it in myself to lift myself from that mire of self loathing. Hopefully by acknowledging it, might be a start to it going.

SparkleKitty

All I can tell you Glenjo is that my journey out of that self-love deficit was one of years, not weeks or months, and it was not a straight line. It was an accumulation of actions that directed love and kindness towards myself, including, some days, the simple act of acknowledging and accepting I was angry or disappointed or upset with myself and reminding myself that all feelings, however strong, are temporary unless I consciously feed them.

The good news is that the journey itself became worthwhile once I let go of focusing on when I was going to reach the finish line.

Glenjo99

Thanks sparklekitty. That's the reason I wrote it in here, to acknowledge and accept that's what I'm feeling, it helps to get it out. I know it's not going to happen over night and that's it not linear, been gathering that from the last few months, some days feel great, others angry and self loathing. The temporary nature of them is what keeps me going, realising they are that. Feeling them however is not good.

Leelee168

Weekends are hard for me, too. Everyone is “coupled” and doing things together—and then there’s me. I miss having someone else in my life, but recognize that I’m no good to anyone else right now. I used to love the weekend, now I hate them.

Glenjo99

Me too leelee, I hate them now.