Wow I really suck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Wow I really suck
Hi... haven't been on for awhile.. don't know how much time has passed. I have been through all of it with my ex. Now, I thought I was in the clear with my new boyfriend. We've been together for 9 months. Now I am seeing the same pattern. I can't put my finger on it, but I am seeing some red flags. Party favors, right? But, again I am fully in meshed. Now his 2 boys and my 2 boys are like brothers. How do I stop this cycle? My god.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Reading your back threads you have never had any time on your own to really work on yourself and what you want out of life. The hard cold truth is unless you step back from relationships with men and learn to love yourself by yourself you will keep repeating the same old same old. There is no quick fix and yeah it's hard work, often feels unfair and can feel lonely. Better to be single then with someone like you had before tho eh?
I have been on my own 4 years. Previously to that I was separated from my exah but we had to live in the same house for 5 years of our 20 year marriage. I recently had a marriage offer and after consideration I said no. Why? I've gone from needy to independent and no longer need a man in my life. Once you are at that stage you are better able to make a considered decision about who to be with. Your kids need a stable mom. They do not need a series of part time step dads.
I have been on my own 4 years. Previously to that I was separated from my exah but we had to live in the same house for 5 years of our 20 year marriage. I recently had a marriage offer and after consideration I said no. Why? I've gone from needy to independent and no longer need a man in my life. Once you are at that stage you are better able to make a considered decision about who to be with. Your kids need a stable mom. They do not need a series of part time step dads.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
How do I stop this cycle?
Stop thinking about it and simply take a new action. Then another. And another.
"I can't think my way into right-acting, but I can act my way into right-thinking."
Examples: an appt with a therapist, calling/going to a DV help center (they could mirror back to me all kinds of things I didn't see that were going on), going to an Alanon meeting/getting a sponsor, etc
No need to have an active alcoholic in our lives to show up at Al-anon. The effects of this disease can be far-reaching and long-lasting.
Stop thinking about it and simply take a new action. Then another. And another.
"I can't think my way into right-acting, but I can act my way into right-thinking."
Examples: an appt with a therapist, calling/going to a DV help center (they could mirror back to me all kinds of things I didn't see that were going on), going to an Alanon meeting/getting a sponsor, etc
No need to have an active alcoholic in our lives to show up at Al-anon. The effects of this disease can be far-reaching and long-lasting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Spot on advice Mango!
Originally Posted by Mango212 
How do I stop this cycle?
Stop thinking about it and simply take a new action. Then another. And another.
"I can't think my way into right-acting, but I can act my way into right-thinking."
Examples: an appt with a therapist, calling/going to a DV help center (they could mirror back to me all kinds of things I didn't see that were going on), going to an Alanon meeting/getting a sponsor, etc
No need to have an active alcoholic in our lives to show up at Al-anon. The effects of this disease can be far-reaching and long-lasting.
Stop thinking about it and simply take a new action. Then another. And another.
"I can't think my way into right-acting, but I can act my way into right-thinking."
Examples: an appt with a therapist, calling/going to a DV help center (they could mirror back to me all kinds of things I didn't see that were going on), going to an Alanon meeting/getting a sponsor, etc
No need to have an active alcoholic in our lives to show up at Al-anon. The effects of this disease can be far-reaching and long-lasting.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Caretaker...….I agree, that the fact that you are not living with him is a plus.....because that makes everything so much more intense and complicated....especially when you have children.....
Actually, it can take several months for some of issues in a relationship to emerge....as people tend to wear their Sunday shoes in the early part of a relationship.....
Isn't that what dating is for....? To find out what a person is really like, before m aking a permanent commitment.....
At least, you are recognizing the red flags...….
I was a single parent for several years, with 3 children. I am so grateful that I never lived with anyone...….until I was ready to get married, again.....
I don't know what the ages of your children are....but...children come to know what "dating" is.....and, what it isn't.....
They will know that you and they are the actual, permanent "Family".
Actually, it can take several months for some of issues in a relationship to emerge....as people tend to wear their Sunday shoes in the early part of a relationship.....
Isn't that what dating is for....? To find out what a person is really like, before m aking a permanent commitment.....
At least, you are recognizing the red flags...….
I was a single parent for several years, with 3 children. I am so grateful that I never lived with anyone...….until I was ready to get married, again.....
I don't know what the ages of your children are....but...children come to know what "dating" is.....and, what it isn't.....
They will know that you and they are the actual, permanent "Family".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I second that...
...as somebody who had two step-fathers and three long term "uncles," it was very hard for me. I love my mother very much and she did her absolute best for me in all ways, but she did not know how hard it was for me (just a boy whose father had left for another woman). I imagine, though we've not talked about it, she was looking for a good father for me who at least was not a controlling piece of ****.
By the time I was 13 years old I'd had five different men come into and then leave my life. There are no guarantees, but if my mother had just taken whatever time was necessary to work on herself and figure out why she was choosing the men she was choosing, and how to change that, perhaps things would have been better. And perhaps I would not have had to break up with five "fathers" through no choice of my own.
Good luck to the OP and all of you parents out there-- I know it isn't easy.
By the time I was 13 years old I'd had five different men come into and then leave my life. There are no guarantees, but if my mother had just taken whatever time was necessary to work on herself and figure out why she was choosing the men she was choosing, and how to change that, perhaps things would have been better. And perhaps I would not have had to break up with five "fathers" through no choice of my own.
Good luck to the OP and all of you parents out there-- I know it isn't easy.
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Reading your back threads you have never had any time on your own to really work on yourself and what you want out of life. The hard cold truth is unless you step back from relationships with men and learn to love yourself by yourself you will keep repeating the same old same old. There is no quick fix and yeah it's hard work, often feels unfair and can feel lonely. Better to be single then with someone like you had before tho eh?
I have been on my own 4 years. Previously to that I was separated from my exah but we had to live in the same house for 5 years of our 20 year marriage. I recently had a marriage offer and after consideration I said no. Why? I've gone from needy to independent and no longer need a man in my life. Once you are at that stage you are better able to make a considered decision about who to be with. Your kids need a stable mom. They do not need a series of part time step dads.
I have been on my own 4 years. Previously to that I was separated from my exah but we had to live in the same house for 5 years of our 20 year marriage. I recently had a marriage offer and after consideration I said no. Why? I've gone from needy to independent and no longer need a man in my life. Once you are at that stage you are better able to make a considered decision about who to be with. Your kids need a stable mom. They do not need a series of part time step dads.
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